Autism or social anxiety, inexperience and selective mutism

[wooshwoosh]

Very curious to know if my experience sounds autistic or if I’m reaching. An acquaintance asked if I was (he recognized part of himself) and my best friend asked me this as well. I always thought they said this bc they confused my social anxiety for it (which is the only diagnosis I have) but I’m not sure. I know you shouldn’t seek a diagnosis on the internet, but I’m just very curious as to how relatable it is to people here (or not). Also, my father was diagnosed with autism and my nephew as well. English isn’t my first language so sorry for potential mistakes.
Here are some things that stood out to me:

I was a really easy baby. Rarely any difficulties, didn’t’t cry a lot or anything.

I had selective mutism from the age of four (?) until I was ten.

As a toddler I was quite stubborn and didn’t want to participate in certain stuff, or was pissed for weird reasons I can’t remember. When we went to the zoo, I hated it and made a drawing of angry looking people, apparently. No one knew why. I remember we had to choose a name for our class and I refused to choose one. So they had to put me apart in a corner and force me to choose one of the names there. I had one best friend I adored and some vague contacts, but sat alone during the breaks 90% of the time, hidden behind a tree or something. They thought I was too immature and shy so they made me stay in the same year for another six months.

They sent me to a speech and language pathologist for the selective mutism, and multiple therapists until the age of 13 or something.

I had no speaking delays or other really prominent stuff, but I did learn to cycle quite late and was overly careful and too scared to climb on stuff. Had some random phobias.

I don’t think I count as hyperlexic bc I learned to read at five or something, but I have a language brain and was the fastest of my class when it came to reading. Teachers were blown away, I was called Matilda. Always read books for the older kids, was told (and still am) that I had an exceptionally large vocabulary and photographic memory. I have dyscalculia though, so I’m not really a Matilda.

My mom always jokes about how I’ve had my ‘phases’. The princess phase, the mermaid phase, the parrot phase, the Japan / weeb phase. I got so obsessed with parrots that everything in my life involved them in some way. I knew all of the greek and Latin names of the species and etymology. Everything about their habitat, etc. Made my room into a bird museum. Drew comics of birds all day.

I am oversensitive to noise and don’t like crowds. I remember one time as a child, where I was clearly panicking and crying all of a sudden, just from loud noises and lights at the funfair. I can’t remember this happening many other times though (but I do hate clubbing for this reason).

I hate most tags on clothes or the feeling of charcoal, nail polish, jewelry, makeup, etc. I hate hugs, but it could also be a social anxiety or upbringing thing.

I panic really easily. Like when I couldn’t find my way back in a nearby village some weeks ago, I started sobbing uncontrollably and just wanted to hit something. When I broke my leg in high school I screamed and cried hysterically for an entire day. In middle school I sometimes hid under tables.

I’ve never desired physical contact or a romantic / sexual relationship. I heard many asexuals are autistic.

People asking if I want to visit them or something on the day itself, is not the end of the world to me. Though I’m lonely these days so I just might find it okay bc I’m desperate. I do like to walk down the same aisle every time in the grocery store, same spot at sports classes. If someone invites me to a party I need to know the exact time, not some vague answer. But with other stuff I’m VERY random.

I hate smalltalk. I prefer to learn about a person’s personality or talk about hobbies, philosophy, spirituality, etc.

I’m not very direct, might sugarcoat stuff because Im afraid of hurting people or being rejected. I don't think I have trouble with facial expressions? The theory of mind thing confuses me as well. I do’t recall having trouble with it. But then again, I also thought I liked smalltalk at some point, and multiple people have told me I don’t, and that I suck at it.

I have taken some things too literally in the past (and still do sometimes) but mostly rare occasions, and I get most sarcasm. People trying to be mean on purpose or trying to bully me or be manipulative I can also tell. Or when my mom gets bored by my talking.

Don't have trouble with eye contact as far as I know. Don't mind not having it though, can be a bit more relaxed.

I do get described as ‘incredibly awkward’. Could just be social anxiety. When people get to know me a bit, they tell me I’m totally different than they thought I would be. Still eccentric, though.

Have been asked ‘could you please stop spamming the class WhatsApp group with your interests bc it is annoying’ in high school. Cried about it for weeks.

No friends for years. Never initiated friendship. Neglected primary school friends....

Obsessed with teachers in highschool. Liked them more than my peers who were drinking and doing drugs.

Really weird style of dressing.

A bit long but those were the things I could think of. Very curious if it screams ‘autism experience’ or is relatable to the general population. I have a hard time knowing what is ‘normal’ and what isn’t. I've always thought I could read a room and get social cues but the whole point is that you're oblivious to your own behavior until someone points it out, right? So maybe I don't know myself that well, after all.

 

[Luca]

Welcome!

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I was formally diagnosed in early childhood and you sound incredibly similar to me in a lot of ways. Your post has actually resonated with me more than most introduction posts have on here.

As a child, I was also hyperlexic, could read books as a toddler, had pretty much no friends, and hid under my desk in school.

My main special interest (dogs) is still all-consuming even in adulthood, and even though I live on my own now, my entire house is dog-themed, and my career is training dogs, and I own a dog daycare. So I can definitely relate to your bird interest. Lol

I also can appear shy or awkward initially, but people who know me well say that I am not socially awkward at all.
I’ve been described as having “hidden autism.”

I am also occasionally told to stop texting people so much or to stop spamming group chats. I’m sure my frequency and volume of posting annoys a lot of people on here too tbh.

My styles of clothing, makeup, and hairstyling are definitely eccentric and have been described as “not age appropriate” since I am close to 30. I completely ignore trends and don’t really care if people make fun of me about it.

I fully understand humor and sarcasm for the most part, and I’m very aware of people making fun of me, or being manipulative, condescending, or facetious.

I don’t usually have difficulty with eye contact or facial expressions, and have quite an expressive face and personality myself.
I do have difficulty when other people don’t make eye contact though.

Again, I can’t officially diagnose you with autism, but your experience is amazingly similar to mine! I do hope you make yourself comfortable here and stick around, because I’m sure you will make friends with people
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.

 

[Luca]

Oh, and to add, I also have a tendency towards selective mutism when overwhelmed or uncomfortable, and I despise small talk, especially with strangers. Forgot to add that into my original post lol

 

[wooshwoosh]

Welcome!

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I was formally diagnosed in early childhood and you sound incredibly similar to me in a lot of ways. Your post has actually resonated with me more than most introduction posts have on here.

As a child, I was also hyperlexic, could read books as a toddler, had pretty much no friends, and hid under my desk in school.

My main special interest (dogs) is still all-consuming even in adulthood, and even though I live on my own now, my entire house is dog-themed, and my career is training dogs, and I own a dog daycare. So I can definitely relate to your bird interest. Lol

I also can appear shy or awkward initially, but people who know me well say that I am not socially awkward at all.
I’ve been described as having “hidden autism.”

I am also occasionally told to stop texting people so much or to stop spamming group chats. I’m sure my frequency and volume of posting annoys a lot of people on here too tbh.

My styles of clothing, makeup, and hairstyling are definitely eccentric and have been described as “not age appropriate” since I am close to 30. I completely ignore trends and don’t really care if people make fun of me about it.

I fully understand humor and sarcasm for the most part, and I’m very aware of people making fun of me, or being manipulative, condescending, or facetious.

I don’t usually have difficulty with eye contact or facial expressions, and have quite an expressive face and personality myself.
I do have difficulty when other people don’t make eye contact though.

Again, I can’t officially diagnose you with autism, but your experience is amazingly similar to mine! I do hope you make yourself comfortable here and stick around, because I’m sure you will make friends with people
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.

Thanks for the reply. Ah it's nice to hear you relate to it so much^-^ Love the dog banner it's so cute.

 

[Luca]

Thanks for the reply. Ah it's nice to hear you relate to it so much^-^ Love the dog banner it's so cute.

You’re welcome!
And thank you, there are lots of pics of my dogs on here lol, I post them almost every day!

 

[Angular Chap]

Hello @wooshwoosh

This is a great post, I can definitely relate to a lot of it.

Social anxiety was the second thing I looked into when I was starting to question what was "wrong" with me. Now I know that it was probably caused by the many social interactions that always seemed to end in embarrassment and humiliation.

And what caused all these social interactions to consistently end badly in such a way? Probably autism. I also have many of the same traits that you have written about.

maybe I don't know myself that well, after all.

When it comes to autism, it can take a long time and a lot of thinking and discovery to figure everything out. There is a journey involved and I wish you all the best on yours.

 

[Kisa the tea]

Welcome to the forum! So much of this is relatable.

Also for not being native, your english is excellent!

 

[VictorR]

Hello and welcome!

I also found much of your post to be relatable.

Some differences:

I'm kind of glad that I grew up before social media, as I think my special interest spamming (and like many, my special interests have changed and evolved over time) would have likely frustrated others as well. Interestingly, I rarely talk about my interests these days, aside from travel, since that's one that a lot of people can connect with so it doesn't seem as weird.

Sarcasm was something that I didn't understand well until my 20s, and I still often struggle with identifying intent and differentiating when someone is being serious and when someone is saying a joke or using a metaphor or dramatizing something for effect.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome. I hope you find understanding, camaraderie, and support here. I think many of us will be able to relate to parts of your story. It seems like everyone is aware and remembering that there can be no diagnoses from interacting on this site, but you can certainly read our posts and see where you relate and what sort of advice and strategies for dealing with challenges are helpful to you.

I’m glad that you found us. Please let us know if you need any help finding your way around the forum.

 

[wooshwoosh]

Hello and welcome!

I also found much of your post to be relatable.

Some differences:

I'm kind of glad that I grew up before social media, as I think my special interest spamming (and like many, my special interests have changed and evolved over time) would have likely frustrated others as well. Interestingly, I rarely talk about my interests these days, aside from travel, since that's one that a lot of people can connect with so it doesn't seem as weird.

Sarcasm was something that I didn't understand well until my 20s, and I still often struggle with identifying intent and differentiating when someone is being serious and when someone is saying a joke or using a metaphor or dramatizing something for effect.

Very relatable. Interesting how some interests are more socially acceptable to talk about. Yeah I rarely talk about them as well in real life because I hold myself back. Online it's easier to overshare / spam haha. But most of my mutuals on socials are neurodivergent and follow for the same weeb hobbies.