Aspie boyfriend left me...

[Verdandi]

My Aspie boyfriend broke up with me. I am completely devastated. He told me that it was exhausting for him to be in a relationship, that he is tired of trying to live a "normal life". He said something about feeling stuck in a hole and that tiptoeing to get out is the thing that affects him most. I kept trying to be patient, supportive and understanding, I gave him space, didn't put pressure, but every little thing started bothering him. The first 6 months were amazing, he was so affectionate and caring and loving, yet all of a sudden it all began to fall apart. Since October I have been living in constant emotional stress, fearful of not doing something to upset him. I still do not fully understand how could he change his mind like that. I believe it might have to do with the changes he's been experiencing (job, place to live) and the emotional pressure may have been too much. I tried my best to be reassuring and making him feel safe, but apparently I failed. I am a mess, I think I have a depression myself and don't know what to do. I want him back because he's so intelligent and charming and I really felt a deep connection between us two. He admitted it too. I know he loves me. That was never the problem. He has some unresolved issues with himself, apart from the syndrome, also some childhood trauma. I would like to know what I can do to try to work things out. I would like to try to communicate with him but right now I feel lost about how I should do it. Is there any hope? Please help.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

Maintaining relationships can be very difficult for some people. Especially when there is other factors to consider. I experienced this myself when I was at school, I couldn't dealing with friendships outside of school because I was mentality drained. I needed time to myself to unwind from stressful situations.

There is also a lot of rules and expected behaviours that allistic people take for granted that we just don't get intuitively so we have to learn intellectually and bear all these things in mind when around other people; maintaining the right amount of eye contact and a positive posture, show interest in topics we aren't necessarily interested in, come up with responses to continue a conversation, make sure we don't talk about ourselves too much, remember not to leave a conversation too early, make sure the conversation doesn't last too long, remember and look for signs of disinterest in the other person. It's a long list. You end up thinking, "Sod it, I might as well stay in bed." If you look up the spoon theory on the internet it gets across the mental exhaustion we may experience.

I don't know if there is any hope in the relationship. I'm not him. And obviously organising a relationship around other things like work don't tend to work too often. You may have to stick to just being friends.

 

[Adder1234]

I can't say for certain that he will be back, but by the sound of it he's just burnt out from the pressures of everyday life. Plus there's his personal issues, which he may want to deal with himself; however, make it known to him that he can rely on you for help if he needs it. Still, the best thing to do for this sort of situation is to let him have his space. If he does love you as much as you say he does, he just needs time to relax and sort out his issues before he can comfortably be in a relationship.
If you do get back together, remember this; We aspies greatly value our alone time. We need time alone with our own thoughts, in peace and quiet to simply relax. This doesn't mean we don't enjoy the company of others, we just can't handle constant interaction. It mentally exhausts us and makes us very stressed.

 

[OkRad]

Are you NT or autie?

That matters. If you are autie, it might be hard for you both. I dated and aspie and it was so bad. He was not just aspie, but had character defects. I never was given even a hint of encouragement . I was so there for him and never a thank you. Never I Love You. Never "You mean something to me"

That is not aspie, that is something else. But where his aspieness hurt so bad was the he could not communicate and when he did, he did a lot of lying. Aspies tend NOT to lie, so this must have been something else, but he could not stop lying.........always lying because he is still faking NT.

Then he got onto meds and wine and sleep stuff and every little bit of compassion he ever pretended to have was gone.

I wasted a lot of time, but am glad I never got physical with him. But the lies, wow......they hurt a lot.

I would say get out if you can because it will be that way forver.

 

[Verdandi]

Are you NT or autie?

That matters. If you are autie, it might be hard for you both. I dated and aspie and it was so bad. He was not just aspie, but had character defects. I never was given even a hint of encouragement . I was so there for him and never a thank you. Never I Love You. Never "You mean something to me"

That is not aspie, that is something else. But where his aspieness hurt so bad was the he could not communicate and when he did, he did a lot of lying. Aspies tend NOT to lie, so this must have been something else, but he could not stop lying.........always lying because he is still faking NT.

Then he got onto meds and wine and sleep stuff and every little bit of compassion he ever pretended to have was gone.

I wasted a lot of time, but am glad I never got physical with him. But the lies, wow......they hurt a lot.

I would say get out if you can because it will be that way forver.

I am an NT...He does not have a bad character...he was always very tender and sweet...I think he felt very overwhelmed and suffers from low-esteem in that he would have liked to be someone better for me (that's in his head, not mine).

 

[Verdandi]

I can't say for certain that he will be back, but by the sound of it he's just burnt out from the pressures of everyday life. Plus there's his personal issues, which he may want to deal with himself; however, make it known to him that he can rely on you for help if he needs it. Still, the best thing to do for this sort of situation is to let him have his space. If he does love you as much as you say he does, he just needs time to relax and sort out his issues before he can comfortably be in a relationship.
If you do get back together, remember this; We aspies greatly value our alone time. We need time alone with our own thoughts, in peace and quiet to simply relax. This doesn't mean we don't enjoy the company of others, we just can't handle constant interaction. It mentally exhausts us and makes us very stressed.

Hey, thank you. Yes, I understand. One of the reasons I thought this could work out is that I am quite introvert myself. I think there are other issues standing in his way.

 

[OkRad]

I am an NT...He does not have a bad character...he was always very tender and sweet...I think he felt very overwhelmed and suffers from low-esteem in that he would have liked to be someone better for me (that's in his head, not mine).

I hear this a lot---"I just want to protect you. I want you to have someone better." I think that is a line. Do others feel like that , too? That makes no sense. Other aspies/auties? Have you ever said to someone that you loved a lot, "Oh, I want you to have better."

Sorry, I think that is a line and not an aspie line. Don't be offended, I am just thinking here.........

 

[Verdandi]

I hear this a lot---"I just want to protect you. I want you to have someone better." I think that is a line. Do others feel like that , too? That makes no sense. Other aspies/auties? Have you ever said to someone that you loved a lot, "Oh, I want you to have better."

Sorry, I think that is a line and not an aspie line. Don't be offended, I am just thinking here.........

That is not what he told me. On a few occasions he told me he doesn't want to put me through his own difficulties and on others that he feels shot down when he is trying to better himself for me

 

[OkRad]

That is not what he told me. On a few occasions he told me he doesn't want to put me through his own difficulties and on others that he feels shot down when he is trying to better himself for me

OK, I see that. When I entered in relationships the total exhaustion of trying to be better for an NT really is a terror. I am not sure how I would do with a kind autie because it never happened. I always seemed to date NT and means ones at that! But you are a nice NT and I can see this hurting you. I do not know what to say other than I am glad you are here. We need your voice, too, to see how hard we are on people, too. We love NTs too

 

[Verdandi]

Thank you for your words...I feel a very violent pain inside of me.
I would so much like him to understand how much he means to me in spite of all these troubles. I did not and would not try to fix him, I accept him as he is...
I think he might not accept himself right now. I guess I will just try to be his friend and see how we evolve.

 

[Judge]

This could have been about me. Having gone from one NT relationship to another, each time attempting to cope with what I didn't understand at the time. Bending and inevitably breaking trying to adjust to NT conventions which over time were always toxic to me.

Can this be overcome to maintain a good and steady relationship with someone who is neurologically different from you?

I just don't know. Frankly being self-aware of my own autism I'd rather have a relationship with my own kind, although I realize that even that might not be enough for me to sustain such a bond. Even now I live in near isolation. Something that would likely rattle most NTs I suspect. From time to time I get lonely, but on a regular basis I have a sense of "inner peace" I can't have when attempting to adapt to the NT world.

 

[Verdandi]

I think it is possible but it requires a lot of work from both sides.
I know it's difficult, sometimes it's difficult for me too so I can only imagine how it must feel for you. NTs should be able to adapt more and understand that whatever AS do is not because they're weird or mean or whatever. They're just wired differently. We have a lot to learn from each other.
Honestly I feel that I'm something in-between. I'm NT but I often have "Aspie moments". That's why deep inside I have a small hope that I'll get back on track with my Aspie, this time with a lot more communication.

 

[Mia]

There are some excellent threads here related to aspie and neurotypical relationships on the site. They might help you with some thoughts on your own relationship.


Negotiating needs between AS/NT partners

Partner to new Aspie

 

[twilightzone76]

Recently my Aspie boyfriend and myself decided to split for some of the same reasons you talk about but also because I was slowly deteriorating - I was not getting what I needed emotionally out of the relationship and it felt like constant confusion.

It sounds like you are almost more concerned about him than you are yourself. I know from my experience, Aspies get overloaded fairly easily and once that happens there's nothing you can do except give them their space, and I'm not talking about for a few hours. It can take days to weeks for them to "reset". So often times trying to give extra support just drives them away even more because they feel smothered and don't want to have to worry about anyone but themselves. Maybe ask yourself, does he look after me emotionally like I do him? Is he filling you up inside? When you say you would try to avoid upsetting him - to me that sounds like walking on eggshells?

Aspie men can be over the top sweet, affectionate, loving etc. in the beginning because they are almost running off of adrenaline trying to show you these things they know you want but inevitably they are not able to keep up the act sort of speak. Mine was the same way so I know how you feel...you want what was initially there in the beginning but you may have to accept that he is simply being himself now.

Towards the end I would show my bf texts he sent to me in the first 6 months of our relationship to remind him of how he used to be and he would just look and almost shake his head like he couldn't believe he could be that way at one time.

I would give him space by not having any contact for at least a couple weeks, maybe longer, not only for him but to see how you feel as well.

Something I'm learning more and more each day - do not sacrifice your own mental health in trying to accept things in someone else that doesn't work for you.

 

[ChrisN]

<----- recommends you give him space. It will hurt bad if you are intended to be together you and he will need to work it out.

 

[Verdandi]

So I decided to just let him be for a couple of weeks. I miss him enormously, but he needs alone time.
I will then try to build up a companionship of some kind, and discuss logically and rationally about how to improve our connection - his needs, my needs. The first time resulted in failure because there was no strategy involved. There were emotions running about everywhere. So maybe if we think of something more like a "contract", he will feel more safe and not be so worried because he's not "normal" enough for me. I don't like normal. I like him.

 

[twilightzone76]

I think you're definitely doing the right thing by giving him space, Verdandi. During this time you also need to think about your own needs and desires.

You said "The first 6 months were amazing, he was so affectionate and caring and loving, yet all of a sudden it all began to fall apart." If in fact this was not really who he was naturally, but was just trying to give you what he knew you wanted, he will not be able to sustain that for very long (as you can see).

Would you be willing to accept that the true him may be this more distant, less affectionate , less loving guy?

There's nothing wrong with making compromises in relationships as long as it doesn't compromise your own core values and beliefs.

My ex wasn't doing anything outright disrespectful or intentional but I noticed over time that I was feeling empty and hopeless. These are not feelings you want to ignore.

Keep in touch - I'm curious how things will come along.

 

[Verdandi]

To a certain extent I understood what happened. But even with everything I know now about this whole situation and his difficulties, I still want things to work out somehow.

 

[On the Inside]

Agree with what others say about giving space, but add that it may not guarantee reconciliation, or if it does, a change in the relationship that is to your liking/meet your needs.
5
I have been in this situation, I am Aspie male, she was NT, and rather than breaking up, which would have been the best for both, I stuck it out and tried to ignore the bells going off that I wasn't able to be in a relationship, either at that time, or with that person. I have a very deep distrust of/blindness to that inner voice that councels us regarding our needs and wants as they pertain to relstionships.

Anyways, for me, sticking it out just made things worse, but she kept on wanting to work on it, in spite of my growing indifference. Not the best behavior on my part, and I am deeply ashamed by it, but I guess she hoped I would change back to the way I was early on.

I couldn't really see it clearly, or articulate it, but there were some events between us that caused a lack of trust, not of the honesty sort, but of the sense this person wasn't seeing me, but what she wanted me to be. I don't really see that until it hits me hard, and then I feel manipulated.

Can't say that this is at all analogous to your situation, just my experience in a similar case.

 

[Verdandi]

We're talking. I don't know if it's good or bad...We're just talking about stuff, not about us. I don't even think it's a good idea now but I'd like to do that too. We should discuss the "us" part too, but without him feeling pressured.
I am twisted by so many feelings right now, on the one hand I got a better grasp of him and his oddities, his social/romantic impairment, but on the other hand I am so angry and sad that he rejected me so brutally.
Sorry, I just had to vent it.