I also have an inability to compromise, and this has an adverse effect on me and my life.
My culture has a lot of grey areas. It could not accept mere yes and no's. I could not accept an ambivalent solution, it's either a 'yes' or a 'no' for me, and well, truth hurts.
I always feel anxious whenever 'no' hits me, ever since I was a baby crawling around. I must crave attention to do whatever I want. Now, I realise I'm an adult, and I can't push my way around any more as I am supposed to support my family...
There is always an added dimension of complexity in where I live now, as compared to many other places.
Some examples of me being not able to compromise:
My dogged insistence in autism work
I used to work to make autism better known, and better accepted, in my society, on a part-time basis.
I and my own support group went to see a Member of Parliament/representative in our country, she's the head of a local autism group in Singapore (and hence, the reason why we're seeing her and why we do get to meet her) and deputy chairperson of the local parliamentary committee of community affairs (covering autism and other special needs). As we talked about how we could contribute to the group and our country, she thought about what we said, and suggested, 'how about allowing your group to operate in my autism group, as an adult support group open to all people with different disabilities?'
I immediately agreed with her, and made it clear to my group, as it fits into my personal philosophy of all-inclusion, as I had made known to them, and implicitly mentioned, as above.
However, the rest of management committee in my group is not too happy about this. They said, isn't our group 'for autism by autism'?
Oh, even some parents of my group's members aren't happy with my support as well, initially.
I refused to budge and give in to them. I told them, 'what is right is right, and never be wrong! We need to include all who have special needs, as our (Representative) said!'
There could be another option for me, compromise. I could say we may only feel comfortable working with fellow Aspies and Auties, and so, initially, we can wait a while and work with them first in our group, and make this clear with our supportive Representative.
My insistence that my local autism support group should look at the needs of low-functioning autistic people, with strong and vocal opposition by the other partners with Asperger's or high-functioning autism. After 2 years, I realise that I was right, but I had a faulty understanding of my country's Aspies, and Aspies in general. Those Aspies just are not able to see through their mental models and see that their autism is roughly similar in mechanism just like people with low-functioning autism, though manifested in different behaviour. Meanwhile, my grades in college suffered, as I struggle with both college and my 'non-productive' work in autism, that yields no result, no matter how much I work in.
In the end, chaos erupted. I was ousted by the group's management, and only came back after 2 long years of wilderness by the leader's apology and personal invitation.
Distractions in school
When teachers told me, I should focus more on my studies despite my reasonably good grades, it fell on deaf ears for me. I was really hooked on extracurriculars, things that are not related to school-work.
My personal decision to involve heavily in extracurriculars in High School and college. I joined all types of activities regardless of my current weaknesses in energy levels, because I just want to aimlessly build social networks. My parents and school counsellors, knowing my weaknesses better than I do, suggested that I need not worry about extracurriculars, and they stated repeatedly that I need to work on my studies first and foremost. I could never compromise with them on quitting those extra-curriculars, and I was on them till the end of my sophomore year in college (I'm now a rising junior). Currently, I only join the Psychology Society and the Peer Support Group in college, as I specialise in supporting people with learning disabilities (which I have, I have AD/HD and Asperger's).
Although I do see the point of studying, knowing that even if I did study, my grades will still be of a roughly mediocre level a few marks higher than I did with extra-curriculars; at least, without extra-curriculars, I could have more energy to work on other aspects of my personal life, such as perhaps the much-needed driving lessons (I still do not drive because I don't have time for driving!) and other real personal interests, such as reading more fiction. If only I understood their points and compromised, on my part, to just give up unrelated ECs - what does dance, IT and Anime got to do with my life, if I don't quite like them, anyway?
In the end, I don't get the grades that are required for me to continue on my post as an executive member of a club in my school, this will happen anyway to me, given my own learning disabilities in the first place, so I have to quit all extracurriculars in junior years, because I feel there's no point in contributing as a normal member, just like other fellow normal members in the Clubs I join. I cannot even accept myself as being an ordinary member!
It's either the very top, or nothing, for me.
My family
I did not agree with my family when they go to China for a leisure trip. I thought a country that does not accept refugees of people of Chinese descent (like what happened after the anti-Chinese riots in Indonesia in 1998, and China's false excuses of 'non-interference of domestic matters') should never deserve our tourism receipts... As a result of me being unable to compromise and suggest other countries similar to China, and just saying, no I don't want to go to China, I got scorned for a long while by my family. Oh yes, I was lucky I had enrichment classes back in Singapore, so I remained here alone while the rest of my family gave money to that fake Communist country.
I also cannot accept my family literally pushing me to the car and push me to convert me to be a Buddhist, like them. And I was sent into a programme where I am supposed to be a Buddhist monk for a month. I hated it. Even as I read all the Buddhist sutras, and kept them to make my parents happy, I resented religion for around 3 years after that. You can't force religion, no? It's either I'm a Buddhist, or not, and to me, I can be anything, as long as I'm not forced onto something. Plus, in Singapore, fewer Buddhists do go up to top CEO posts and other indicators of high achievement, in which I really want to work towards.
I really can't compromise on my foreign policy and religious beliefs, even though stepping a step behind may be better if I were to improve my relations wih my family.
My culture has a lot of grey areas. It could not accept mere yes and no's. I could not accept an ambivalent solution, it's either a 'yes' or a 'no' for me, and well, truth hurts.
I always feel anxious whenever 'no' hits me, ever since I was a baby crawling around. I must crave attention to do whatever I want. Now, I realise I'm an adult, and I can't push my way around any more as I am supposed to support my family...
There is always an added dimension of complexity in where I live now, as compared to many other places.
Some examples of me being not able to compromise:
My dogged insistence in autism work
I used to work to make autism better known, and better accepted, in my society, on a part-time basis.
I and my own support group went to see a Member of Parliament/representative in our country, she's the head of a local autism group in Singapore (and hence, the reason why we're seeing her and why we do get to meet her) and deputy chairperson of the local parliamentary committee of community affairs (covering autism and other special needs). As we talked about how we could contribute to the group and our country, she thought about what we said, and suggested, 'how about allowing your group to operate in my autism group, as an adult support group open to all people with different disabilities?'
I immediately agreed with her, and made it clear to my group, as it fits into my personal philosophy of all-inclusion, as I had made known to them, and implicitly mentioned, as above.
However, the rest of management committee in my group is not too happy about this. They said, isn't our group 'for autism by autism'?
Oh, even some parents of my group's members aren't happy with my support as well, initially.
I refused to budge and give in to them. I told them, 'what is right is right, and never be wrong! We need to include all who have special needs, as our (Representative) said!'
There could be another option for me, compromise. I could say we may only feel comfortable working with fellow Aspies and Auties, and so, initially, we can wait a while and work with them first in our group, and make this clear with our supportive Representative.
My insistence that my local autism support group should look at the needs of low-functioning autistic people, with strong and vocal opposition by the other partners with Asperger's or high-functioning autism. After 2 years, I realise that I was right, but I had a faulty understanding of my country's Aspies, and Aspies in general. Those Aspies just are not able to see through their mental models and see that their autism is roughly similar in mechanism just like people with low-functioning autism, though manifested in different behaviour. Meanwhile, my grades in college suffered, as I struggle with both college and my 'non-productive' work in autism, that yields no result, no matter how much I work in.
In the end, chaos erupted. I was ousted by the group's management, and only came back after 2 long years of wilderness by the leader's apology and personal invitation.
Distractions in school
When teachers told me, I should focus more on my studies despite my reasonably good grades, it fell on deaf ears for me. I was really hooked on extracurriculars, things that are not related to school-work.
My personal decision to involve heavily in extracurriculars in High School and college. I joined all types of activities regardless of my current weaknesses in energy levels, because I just want to aimlessly build social networks. My parents and school counsellors, knowing my weaknesses better than I do, suggested that I need not worry about extracurriculars, and they stated repeatedly that I need to work on my studies first and foremost. I could never compromise with them on quitting those extra-curriculars, and I was on them till the end of my sophomore year in college (I'm now a rising junior). Currently, I only join the Psychology Society and the Peer Support Group in college, as I specialise in supporting people with learning disabilities (which I have, I have AD/HD and Asperger's).
Although I do see the point of studying, knowing that even if I did study, my grades will still be of a roughly mediocre level a few marks higher than I did with extra-curriculars; at least, without extra-curriculars, I could have more energy to work on other aspects of my personal life, such as perhaps the much-needed driving lessons (I still do not drive because I don't have time for driving!) and other real personal interests, such as reading more fiction. If only I understood their points and compromised, on my part, to just give up unrelated ECs - what does dance, IT and Anime got to do with my life, if I don't quite like them, anyway?
In the end, I don't get the grades that are required for me to continue on my post as an executive member of a club in my school, this will happen anyway to me, given my own learning disabilities in the first place, so I have to quit all extracurriculars in junior years, because I feel there's no point in contributing as a normal member, just like other fellow normal members in the Clubs I join. I cannot even accept myself as being an ordinary member!
It's either the very top, or nothing, for me.
My family
I did not agree with my family when they go to China for a leisure trip. I thought a country that does not accept refugees of people of Chinese descent (like what happened after the anti-Chinese riots in Indonesia in 1998, and China's false excuses of 'non-interference of domestic matters') should never deserve our tourism receipts... As a result of me being unable to compromise and suggest other countries similar to China, and just saying, no I don't want to go to China, I got scorned for a long while by my family. Oh yes, I was lucky I had enrichment classes back in Singapore, so I remained here alone while the rest of my family gave money to that fake Communist country.
I also cannot accept my family literally pushing me to the car and push me to convert me to be a Buddhist, like them. And I was sent into a programme where I am supposed to be a Buddhist monk for a month. I hated it. Even as I read all the Buddhist sutras, and kept them to make my parents happy, I resented religion for around 3 years after that. You can't force religion, no? It's either I'm a Buddhist, or not, and to me, I can be anything, as long as I'm not forced onto something. Plus, in Singapore, fewer Buddhists do go up to top CEO posts and other indicators of high achievement, in which I really want to work towards.
I really can't compromise on my foreign policy and religious beliefs, even though stepping a step behind may be better if I were to improve my relations wih my family.