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Thoughts on Compromise - Random Thoughts

I also have an inability to compromise, and this has an adverse effect on me and my life.

My culture has a lot of grey areas. It could not accept mere yes and no's. I could not accept an ambivalent solution, it's either a 'yes' or a 'no' for me, and well, truth hurts.

I always feel anxious whenever 'no' hits me, ever since I was a baby crawling around. I must crave attention to do whatever I want. Now, I realise I'm an adult, and I can't push my way around any more as I am supposed to support my family...

There is always an added dimension of complexity in where I live now, as compared to many other places.

Some examples of me being not able to compromise:

My dogged insistence in autism work

I used to work to make autism better known, and better accepted, in my society, on a part-time basis.

I and my own support group went to see a Member of Parliament/representative in our country, she's the head of a local autism group in Singapore (and hence, the reason why we're seeing her and why we do get to meet her) and deputy chairperson of the local parliamentary committee of community affairs (covering autism and other special needs). As we talked about how we could contribute to the group and our country, she thought about what we said, and suggested, 'how about allowing your group to operate in my autism group, as an adult support group open to all people with different disabilities?'

I immediately agreed with her, and made it clear to my group, as it fits into my personal philosophy of all-inclusion, as I had made known to them, and implicitly mentioned, as above.

However, the rest of management committee in my group is not too happy about this. They said, isn't our group 'for autism by autism'?

Oh, even some parents of my group's members aren't happy with my support as well, initially.

I refused to budge and give in to them. I told them, 'what is right is right, and never be wrong! We need to include all who have special needs, as our (Representative) said!'

There could be another option for me, compromise. I could say we may only feel comfortable working with fellow Aspies and Auties, and so, initially, we can wait a while and work with them first in our group, and make this clear with our supportive Representative.

My insistence that my local autism support group should look at the needs of low-functioning autistic people, with strong and vocal opposition by the other partners with Asperger's or high-functioning autism. After 2 years, I realise that I was right, but I had a faulty understanding of my country's Aspies, and Aspies in general. Those Aspies just are not able to see through their mental models and see that their autism is roughly similar in mechanism just like people with low-functioning autism, though manifested in different behaviour. Meanwhile, my grades in college suffered, as I struggle with both college and my 'non-productive' work in autism, that yields no result, no matter how much I work in.

In the end, chaos erupted. I was ousted by the group's management, and only came back after 2 long years of wilderness by the leader's apology and personal invitation.

Distractions in school

When teachers told me, I should focus more on my studies despite my reasonably good grades, it fell on deaf ears for me. I was really hooked on extracurriculars, things that are not related to school-work.

My personal decision to involve heavily in extracurriculars in High School and college. I joined all types of activities regardless of my current weaknesses in energy levels, because I just want to aimlessly build social networks. My parents and school counsellors, knowing my weaknesses better than I do, suggested that I need not worry about extracurriculars, and they stated repeatedly that I need to work on my studies first and foremost. I could never compromise with them on quitting those extra-curriculars, and I was on them till the end of my sophomore year in college (I'm now a rising junior). Currently, I only join the Psychology Society and the Peer Support Group in college, as I specialise in supporting people with learning disabilities (which I have, I have AD/HD and Asperger's).

Although I do see the point of studying, knowing that even if I did study, my grades will still be of a roughly mediocre level a few marks higher than I did with extra-curriculars; at least, without extra-curriculars, I could have more energy to work on other aspects of my personal life, such as perhaps the much-needed driving lessons (I still do not drive because I don't have time for driving!) and other real personal interests, such as reading more fiction. If only I understood their points and compromised, on my part, to just give up unrelated ECs - what does dance, IT and Anime got to do with my life, if I don't quite like them, anyway?

In the end, I don't get the grades that are required for me to continue on my post as an executive member of a club in my school, this will happen anyway to me, given my own learning disabilities in the first place, so I have to quit all extracurriculars in junior years, because I feel there's no point in contributing as a normal member, just like other fellow normal members in the Clubs I join. I cannot even accept myself as being an ordinary member!

It's either the very top, or nothing, for me.

My family

I did not agree with my family when they go to China for a leisure trip. I thought a country that does not accept refugees of people of Chinese descent (like what happened after the anti-Chinese riots in Indonesia in 1998, and China's false excuses of 'non-interference of domestic matters') should never deserve our tourism receipts... As a result of me being unable to compromise and suggest other countries similar to China, and just saying, no I don't want to go to China, I got scorned for a long while by my family. Oh yes, I was lucky I had enrichment classes back in Singapore, so I remained here alone while the rest of my family gave money to that fake Communist country.

I also cannot accept my family literally pushing me to the car and push me to convert me to be a Buddhist, like them. And I was sent into a programme where I am supposed to be a Buddhist monk for a month. I hated it. Even as I read all the Buddhist sutras, and kept them to make my parents happy, I resented religion for around 3 years after that. You can't force religion, no? It's either I'm a Buddhist, or not, and to me, I can be anything, as long as I'm not forced onto something. Plus, in Singapore, fewer Buddhists do go up to top CEO posts and other indicators of high achievement, in which I really want to work towards.

I really can't compromise on my foreign policy and religious beliefs, even though stepping a step behind may be better if I were to improve my relations wih my family.

Comments

You seem to be one of those Aspies who is much more social than most. You are even social by NT standards. As with many very sociable yet highly intelligent people, you want to advocate for the things you value & the principals you hold & see changes happen rapidly. The frustrating thing with advocacy is that virtually every individual advocate within a group setting has his own vision as to how he believes things ought to be & his own convictions about the best ways to achieve his aims.

Another challenge is that systems, beliefs, cultures & laws change with exquisite slowness. The momentum always seems to lie with the status quo because it is easy to maintain & familiar to people. The changes advocacy groups want to implement are clearly visible to the advocate but seem almost like an illusion or something glimpsed through fog for the mainstream. As such, you face a similar set of challenges to those of a new political party. Familiarizing the voters (gov't or other listeners) with who you are, what you believe in & represent & gaining trust as you go is one of your first tasks before you can even begin getting anything measurable done.

Another challenge faced by advocacy groups is that other groups, institutions & even influential individuals (like donors & private sponsors) are self-interested. They want to know what benefit they or their group will derive from working with you or helping you implement your agenda. When it comes to Auties, most NTs visualize only the most extreme cases of severely impaired people. They see little potential in such people & none for their company in possibly employing them. They see less severe cases as people that will require constant management & that other NT staff members will always feel like they have to go out of their way to include, tolerate, deal with the sensitivities of & baby them.

When it comes to Aspies, they really are clueless. Many of us are smarter than avg, not crippled by a never ending tsunami of emotions, very logical & capable of self-direction, enduring & thriving in solitude & unique. This can make it hard for a NT to not just dismiss Aspies as smart but selfish, arrogant & deliberately odd & somewhat oppositional. One Autie who is severely affected is similar to another whereas we Aspies vary so much that a NT cannot see the pattern we're all cut from that is so glaringly obvious to us detail-oriented pattern perceiving Asoies.

Part of the challenge you are facing is connected to being young & of limited real life experience. Your parents (like many all over the world) see you as a heap of clay they think they can mould, shape & cure to the form they desire. Frustratingly for them, you are like magic clay: they try to shape you into a mug & as soon as they look away, you turn back into a plate! In truth, all kids are like this: if a parent & a culture exert enough pressure & heat, they can mould you into all kinds of shapes (society + parents created Hitler youth, Communists, young Taliban members, suicide bombers & cult members etc.) HOWEVER, unless the child is suited to the vocation chosen by another, he will become miserable. Some miserable people are chronically anxious, angry & depressed (even if successful at their imposed career) & others rebel. This rebellion can be truly liberating IF the person does not act our of rage, resentfulness & a desire for vengeance.

What your family (& culture) seem to want from you is NOT compromise, but conformity. The 2 aren't the same. Compromise would be agreeing to attend some of their religious events as a family member despite not believing in them. They want to make you believe something you don't. As for your 'foreign policy', you may be a little young to establish firm foreign policies yet. You see the hypocrisy of Communism but all mass governmental systems are riddled with inconsistencies, flawed logic & blatant falsehoods. True relations are based on mutual understanding & respect. Without those 2 things, one has the mere illusion of a relationship & ends up merely tolerating the other. The latter is easiest but the former requires real concerted effort & communication.


 
Everyone may has his or her own vision, agenda, and motivation. Even societies has its own implicit assumptions, which I do agree with you, Soup. :D I just hope eventually, we all work for a whole community, and not just a section of what we can potentially do, given that we have the resources of a whole group. A group, in my view, should be the synergy between people. It should be larger than the sum of people, due to a common pool of expertise.

I do feel miserable, because I feel I am moulded into someone I don't want to be. This is why I think I cannot really conform.

However, I also cannot compromise. In the case of my parents' religious rituals that they do, I also had bad experience with them and I feel belittled, 'oh, why I am worthless when I do this', so I feel really discouraged. I try to resist their religion as much as they can. However, after some thinking on my part, there are signs of hope - since this is not really critical to my overall functioning in life, I will do my best to do their religious rituals as much as I can. :)

Perhaps I may need more experiences in life to build up my personality and my world view. I'll keep myself open-minded to see the possibilities of the world.
 
It comes with time & experience. I'm a complete Atheist but when someone gets married, dies, has a baby or some other major life event, I get dressed & go to their function. I'll smile, sit through some boring ritual that is meaningless & foolish to me, but I sit through it.

As for them calling you names & diminishing you, this may be a cultural difference, but here that is considered emotional abuse & many foreign parents find themselves very surprised when youth protection pays them a visit to see how they're treating the kids & what is happening inside the home. This kind of bad parenting shows up in the classroom when a kid is obsessed with always getting perfect grades & never making any mistakes. The anxiety is clear in many Asian kids & our schools are working to support a cultural shift that'll take some pressure off of these kids. Perfect grades doesn't translate into a well-adjusted, successful adult.

Medical schools here began turning away applicants who had perfect grades but no other life experiences such as community activism, volunteering, work outside the home etc. Kids who did nothing but study day & night to please parents made lousy medical students with no understanding of patients: they saw sick & injured people almost like a mechanic sees a broken car. They were too competitive, suspicious of 'outsiders' (whom the Chinese students called 'Gai jin or Gwai-lo' & no good at teamwork & focussed on a narrow definition of 'achievement'. In a society as diverse as ours (73 different languages are spoken daily in my town alone) you can't be a narrow-minded culturally bound traditionalist & students need to be more like you are: broad minded critical thinkers unfettered by cultural & religious dogma.
 

The emotional abuse, the religious discomfort etc., I hope to do my best to deal with them as much as I can, through accepting things as they are, as what they just present to me. :D

I'll definitely hope to stay open to different cultural and religious beliefs, as well as trying to lead a complete life doing what keeps me energised every day, and what helps my living world, bit by bit. :D
 

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