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"Try too hard" to make friends. Anyone else?

Melissa Kay

Melissa Kay

Grateful Member
Hi all,
My mother always says (and past acquaintances) have said that I "try too hard" to make friends and to get people to like me. Does anyone else do this? I bet someone does! How do I do this less? I wait anxiously to see who responds to me on this site because then I think more people like me. I get obsessed about stuff easily, especially with making friends. I know I'm a nice person, but I guess I think I'm defective at the same time. Crazy stuff! I would really like to know how others relate and what they do. Thanks. Also, I'm overly polite as well. Not sure what is a problem and what isn't. Wish you guys lived closer to me.
 
I don't think you are defective at all. Many of us having trouble making friends including myself. After all events happen with people in the past, I decided to just be myself. There no way I can make everyone to like me. I learned not being me to fit in is energy draining. If there any clubs in your area that have any special interest you have is a good place to start. I attending something this weekend. I am nervous but I need to improve my social skills if I want to get clients for my business. I wish you the best and you can message the penguin anytime.
 
Thanks Penguin. I really do need to accept who I am and just be me. I'm 34 and I still struggle with this. I really do need help with this topic, especially with the beginning of my paragraph - trying too hard. This is frustrating and painful for me and I need help.
 
Did your mother and those acquaintances tell you exactly what you were doing that made them think you were trying "too hard?" You just seem like a nice person to me, and there's nothing wrong with being overly polite. Believe me, people appreciate it. The only thing I would ask is whether you are being yourself by being nice and polite. If that's your true personality, then go with it. If it's a mask you put on out of fear of rejection, then that might come across to others as being insincere ... and it would probably be very draining on you as well.
 
Melissa Kay said:
Hi all,
My mother always says (and past acquaintances) have said that I "try too hard" to make friends and to get people to like me. Does anyone else do this? Also, I'm overly polite as well.
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I am the exact same way!! A lot of people told me when I was growing up that I was too clingy and needed to back off. So that makes it even harder to make friends because it makes me overthink EVERYTHING that I do and scares me that I'm messing up again. People called me "Smiley" in high school because I always smiled at people and was so nice. Little did they know I only smiled to try and hide how uncomfortable and anxious I was. Yaaaay. Ha But I hope to make new friends on this site!
 
Same issues here. I will let Randy Newman and Pixar explain my additional thoughts.
 
Sarek said:
I am the exact same way!! A lot of people told me when I was growing up that I was too clingy and needed to back off. So that makes it even harder to make friends because it makes me overthink EVERYTHING that I do and scares me that I'm messing up again. People called me "Smiley" in high school because I always smiled at people and was so nice. Little did they know I only smiled to try and hide how uncomfortable and anxious I was. Yaaaay. Ha But I hope to make new friends on this site!
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I'm very guilty of being clingy. It took me a long time to control it. When I get to that state I might sometimes stop talking to people as it the only way for me to control myself.
 
Cali Cat said:
Did your mother and those acquaintances tell you exactly what you were doing that made them think you were trying "too hard?" You just seem like a nice person to me, and there's nothing wrong with being overly polite. Believe me, people appreciate it. The only thing I would ask is whether you are being yourself by being nice and polite. If that's your true personality, then go with it. If it's a mask you put on out of fear of rejection, then that might come across to others as being insincere ... and it would probably be very draining on you as well.
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I like being friendly to others, and I am naturally polite. But sometimes I can be overly agreeable so that others will like me. I can't think of a specific example that my mother has mentioned to me. I'm better than I used to be with being clingy and stuff like that. I think I'm emotional today because I forgot my morning medications and I am frustrated with friendships and getting an AS diagnosis. Turns out I have an apt on Nov. 21 with a psychologist for free! Thanks Cali for your words.
Rocco said:
Same issues here. I will let Randy Newman and Pixar explain my additional thoughts.
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Will have to listen to this when I get home!
 
Hi Melissa! I try to hard too because i fell i am never good enough to other people. I am trying to accept myself as i am and trying to see if people like me, but that is very hard. I hope we be ok. And i like you just by empathizing with you, really.
 
Hi there, I have and am constantly going through much of the same things. I have lost confidence over the years when it comes to make friends, I have a limited number of people whom I trust and would call friends. When I was younger I was rejected, and made fun of, bullied, which added to my insecurity, and it just became a downward spiral. I am a bit of a black/white personality, and tend to be clingy at times, or just the very opposite not getting in touch at all. I am aware of this, and I try hard to be more in the "grey zones" not easy at all times, but I have learned as the time has passed by.
 
I was bullied too as a kid. I used to be very clingy, but not as much nowadays. Thanks Night Owl for your support and that you understand. How do you get in more of the grey zones?
nightowl said:
I am aware of this, and I try hard to be more in the "grey zones" not easy at all times, but I have learned as the time has passed by.
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Thanks.
 
Never. I suspect most that boils down to my intent not to appear "needy" or "clingy" in what amounted to a predatory environment in growing up. Where the weaker you appeared, the more aggressively you'd be preyed upon by mean-spirited kids. Cause and effect.

It also didn't help coming from a military family where you either sink or swim when it comes to having to routinely adjust to new environments and people. As time went on I drowned. Even my own NT brother recently told me that eventually he just gave up and lost interest in even trying to make new friends under such circumstances.
 
Judge said:
Never. I suspect most that boils down to my intent not to appear "needy" or "clingy" in what amounted to a predatory environment in growing up. Where the weaker you appeared, the more aggressively you'd be preyed upon by mean-spirited kids. Cause and effect.
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That makes total sense. I hope to keep growing socially. Like I said, I have adapted a whole lot more than I did in the past. I have found out what helps me to get along with others. I used to hate small talk and see no point, but today I get a lot of my socialization in during those times. I can see that it would be hard in a military family and having AS! Bravo for having made it this far. How are your friendships today? I am learning so much on this site!
 
Melissa Kay said:
How are your friendships today? I am learning so much on this site!
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Pretty much non-existent. I moved away to another state six years ago and haven't made any real friends. Just a number of acquaintances on a rather superficial level. Being self-employed I live in near-isolation. When Ii worked in the corporate world I had far more daily interactions with people, whether I wanted them or not.

LOL....it's complicated! :eek:
 
Aww. Judge. Well, you're here so you have some here! I know how hard it is, believe me. That's why I made this thread! I am glad that you are on here. Are there any groups that you could join that have to do with stuff you are interested in? I think that it would be hard to be self-employed for that very reason. I would miss the interactions, even the superficial ones.
 
Melissa Kay said:
Are there any groups that you could join that have to do with stuff you are interested in?
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I just gave up on one having attended it for about four years. I just wasn't getting anything out of it. Maybe I've evolved beyond socializing. As for being self-employed, I don't miss the stressful, mandatory interactions with internal or external customers at all.

I can still be lonely, but solitude tends to win out in my rather small orbit.
 
Judge said:
solitude tends to win out in my rather small orbit.
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Great description. I agree. I love solitude as well. I guess I just need to accept that and not try so hard! I just need to settle into being me. Being on this site has helped me to so far, bit by bit. You guys are great. It'll be nice to get home tonight and light my candles and relax. Maybe turn on Look Me in the Eye audio book? Hmm... Possibilities.
 
Melissa Kay said:
I was bullied too as a kid. I used to be very clingy, but not as much nowadays. Thanks Night Owl for your support and that you understand. How do you get in more of the grey zones?

Thanks.
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I have been able to "monitor" how I behave, sometimes when I tend to get carried away, I stop for a while, and think of what I am doing, and what triggers it. I observe how others do in social settings, and try to "copy" not in exact ways, but more the "amount" of interaction, or sharing of information. There are times when I "over-share" and only after I have ended the sentence I feel very awkward. I still do this at times, but less frequent compared to when I was younger.

I try to stick to neutral subjects at work, stick to "work related subjects" , still find it hard to "chit-chat" about "nothing" for any length of time.

What works best for me in order to find the grey zones, is to try and get the feeling of it. Something which has taken me quite a few years, but in hindsight, I am glad that I have come this far.

I honestly have to say that I am not feeling as lonely now, as I did before I joined this community :)
 
Today my classmates where celebrating the birthday of the girl who sits next to me and I was seated in my spot doing extra work with my earplugs on. One girl told me: 'come, join us take some cake and we'll take a photo of us all'. All I could reply was: 'thanks but I can't'. How on earth do they want me to celebrate the birthday of someone the only intel about whom I've gathered is her name? I try to make friends but fail almost every time.
 
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