"Try too hard" to make friends. Anyone else?

[Melissa Kay]

I have been able to "monitor" how I behave, sometimes when I tend to get carried away, I stop for a while, and think of what I am doing, and what triggers it. I observe how others do in social settings, and try to "copy" not in exact ways, but more the "amount" of interaction, or sharing of information. There are times when I "over-share" and only after I have ended the sentence I feel very awkward. I still do this at times, but less frequent compared to when I was younger.

I honestly have to say that I am not feeling as lonely now, as I did before I joined this community

I have learned a lot here too! I still over share now too but not as much as I used to. So happy for you for that last sentence. I feel the same way. I feel less alone and like I have more solutions, that I have implemented!

 

[paloftoon]

I'm definitely in this boat. The people who are undependable tend to be the worst, because you get treated like 2nd class unless you happen to be doing what they want to be doing exactly. I try to stay away from those people.

 

[Pierre09]

My opinion only....CONFIDENCE is the key. I find the most popular and likeable people are not those that are sterotypically perfect. They are the ones that embrace their diffrences and are not afraid to be themselves. Over-agreeing, while this would seem to be a logical friend magnet, can actually be a turn off to most people. (I am guilty of this one myself). I see this in my kids. My oldest tries very hard to make friends and has very few while my youngest could really care less either way and he has lot of friends.

 

[Spiller]

I wait anxiously to see who responds to me on this site because then I think more people like me.

sometimes I can be overly agreeable so that others will like me.

I'm overly polite as well.

Waiting anxiously? Every time I post here, I check spelling, punctuation, etc, then hover over the 'Post' button, delaying the inevitable, anxious wait for that "No-one likes you and you smell" response. I'm getting better and it's getting easier, but I've got 40 years of ingrained habitual anxiety 'reflex' to overcome. This place is building my social confidence sooo much.
Overly agreeable? I find I become uncontrollably agreeable in certain situations, just so I won't upset others; no matter what I think, feel, or want to say, I just go "Bluuuuuurb!" and later kick myself when I play-back and realise what I've said! Sooo desperate to make friends, I'm such a sad case
Overly polite? I learned years ago that just about the only thing I could do was be polite. The difficulty comes in how polite to be in different situations. I was raised to be.. a Gentleman, I suppose, as old-fashioned as that may sound. I get by with other men, though can't handle the Alpha Male 'Hosing Down the Decks with Testosterone' game. Women are trickier; oftentimes they seem to think I'm coming-on to them - good and bad responses there..
Worst of all, I think, is that the scene plays on my mind for days afterward!

 

[Red Star]

A good thread and full of complication with no easy answers...

I can walk into a room full of people but feel like I have a barrier I don't want around me that they can't get through.

I was going into a situation where I had almost no social skills and needed some very quickly.

I practiced what my face looks like so that I don't scowl at people ass I say hello – I smile nicely.

I practiced how I say hello – in a business setting there is hand-shaking – I've practiced. I speak in a clear, concise formal manner.

I practiced how I stand, where my hands are, what they're doing – relaxed, calm, not slouching.

I practiced that I don't wave my arms around too much, that I don't throw my drink over people.

I practiced how to enter other peoples groups politely, without disturbance.

I practiced lines of conversation applicable to different situations and for specific people.

I practiced most importantly – how to listen and use what people say in conversation.

Despite it all, the zone around me often remains devoid of life.

Despite all of this, I had one occasion with over 80 people in the room, I had to ask them for contact details and give information on different aspects of the group I was with- hardly anyone would speak with me – I felt pulling teeth would be easier.

I seemed to spend the day hiding a massive amount of stress, anxiety and social phobia behind a worried looking smile.

I am one of the nicest people most people will come across in their lives. I used to say 'sorry' all the time until I was told to stop and now I just pull an apologetic expression. Fitting in is something 'other' people do, I have thought hard about it and accepted that I will be accepted by those that want to and avoided by those that aren't up for that yet, if ever. I know it is not a 'fault' and there is no blame. Getting your head around those basics is not easy and there are no special tricks.

People watching has shown me how people interact and that their 'why' they do/do not choose you is something only they might know- you probably never will know why unless they choose you and can explain but never ever take it personally when they don't.

I want to be friends but know that people have other people they are friends with and that their interaction time with me will be limited.

Thinking hard about what I want and why I want to be sociable was important.

I had little approval as a child and nothing was ever highly praised and wondered how this has affected how I approach others, concluding that I had tried too hard to please and be accepted, wanting approval but gaining nothing from the interaction except exhaustion from trying too hard. This led me to a low mental state eventually.

I now make it known that I like a person and then, as they say, the ball is in their court.

If a person sees something they like in you, they will make some effort, respond with an equal measure or more if you'd like .

My belief is now this - Over a lifetime you will have many friends – at any one time, a very small number will be 'close', a few more will be 'friends' and a larger number will be 'acquaintances'. The people will move around those levels but the ratio will be about the same.

I will never stop being 'friendly' to anyone, I will never hate a person and will not hold a grudge. These things will nibble at your sanity until you cannot go on- let them go and enjoy the relationships you have around at the time.

 

[Licorice]

I don't try at all... because I've tried all the advice out there.

 

[AsheSkyler]

There was only one time I can remember distinctly trying too hard. There was a new girl in church and until then I had been the only girl that wasn't a sister or cousin to all the other girls in church, and I figured the little brats would be as mean to her as they were to me. So I sat with her, showed her my stories, and did my best to make her feel welcome. One month later she completely abandons me to kiss up with the "cool" girls and join in with making fun of me. I ignored her from then on and out would just wait patiently for the days when the deaf girl and her cousin came to visit, because those two were cool and we'd have a lot of fun sitting together. Had the a crush on one of their cousins, but he was too old for me at the time.

Nowadays if I'm in the mood I'll be plenty friendly and warm, but I won't make any commitments or attempts at further contact with strangers unless they really make an impression on me and show some initiative to get to be proper friends.

 

[AdamR]

Hi all,
My mother always says (and past acquaintances) have said that I "try too hard" to make friends and to get people to like me. Does anyone else do this?

I wait anxiously to see who responds to me on this site because then I think more people like me. I get obsessed about stuff easily, especially with making friends. I know I'm a nice person, but I guess I think I'm defective at the same time. Crazy stuff! I would really like to know how others relate and what they do. Thanks. Also, I'm overly polite as well.

I'm an NT, but I share many of the same problems you've described. I used to be terribly shy, especially considering the business I'm in, where making contacts and chatting easily with people is crucial. When I did push myself to be more outgoing, I had difficulty knowing where the "sweet spot" was. I can't even tell you how many times I'd review my behaviour, after engaging with a new person, and kick myself for being too eager, too polite, too--anything that wasn't what I intended. If I was talking with someone at a gathering and they excused themselves for any reason, I'd go mad trying to figure out if I'd turned them off me. If I said something in a group and nobody responded straight away, or if nobody laughed when I said something I thought was fairly witty, I'd want to crawl under the nearest piece of furniture. I shouldn't use the past tense, really. It's still a problem for me, though getting older has helped be care about it slightly less.

And, YES, I even do similar things here on AC, especially since I'm in the NT minority. Sometimes the "karma" count is my worst enemy, because if the number doesn't move after I've made some posts, or worse, if nobody responds to my comments or questions, I worry I'm not well-accepted, or that something I've said has come off as stupid, or way off-track. And there it all is, in writing. No take-backs! (Something about keeping a visible count of social approvals on an Aspie support forum seems counter-intuitive to me, sometimes.)

I wish I could tell you how to simply feel all right with yourself around new people, but I can't. What I can do is tell you in giant letters: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

Waiting anxiously? Every time I post here, I check spelling, punctuation, etc, then hover over the 'Post' button, delaying the inevitable, anxious wait for that "No-one likes you and you smell" response.

Amen to that, Spiller! Nadador and I have talked about this, as we're here together, and we're both meticulous about language and grammar, etc. Since we're not all face to face, our only way of representing ourselves here is in writing, "on the record", so to speak. So typographical errors, et al, become the equivalent of spinach in the teeth, or an open trouser zip.

I made a post here, once, and thought better of it later. I couldn't very well delete it, so what was I to do? Edit it all out and type in "Never mind"? It's amazing how our social anxieties can play up almost as bad in a forum as in real life!

I just took a quick whiff of your post. You smell fine, by the way.

 

[Melissa Kay]

I'm an NT, but I share many of the same problems you've described. I used to be terribly shy, especially considering the business I'm in, where making contacts and chatting easily with people is crucial. When I did push myself to be more outgoing, I had difficulty knowing where the "sweet spot" was. I can't even tell you how many times I'd review my behaviour, after engaging with a new person, and kick myself for being too eager, too polite, too--anything that wasn't what I intended. If I was talking with someone at a gathering and they excused themselves for any reason, I'd go mad trying to figure out if I'd turned them off me. If I said something in a group and nobody responded straight away, or if nobody laughed when I said something I thought was fairly witty, I'd want to crawl under the nearest piece of furniture. I shouldn't use the past tense, really. It's still a problem for me, though getting older has helped be care about it slightly less.

And, YES, I even do similar things here on AC, especially since I'm in the NT minority. Sometimes the "karma" count is my worst enemy, because if the number doesn't move after I've made some posts, or worse, if nobody responds to my comments or questions, I worry I'm not well-accepted, or that something I've said has come off as stupid, or way off-track. And there it all is, in writing. No take-backs! (Something about keeping a visible count of social approvals on an Aspie support forum seems counter-intuitive to me, sometimes.)

I wish I could tell you how to simply feel all right with yourself around new people, but I can't. What I can do is tell you in giant letters: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!

Thanks Adam! I will keep interacting on here and reading books to get better socially. Thanks for reminding me that im not alone. Thats funny about the social approvals on this site! Ha. We are equally paranoid! Thanks again friend!

 

[Spiller]

Sometimes the "karma" count is my worst enemy, because if the number doesn't move after I've made some posts, or worse, if nobody responds to my comments or questions, I worry I'm not well-accepted, or that something I've said has come off as stupid, or way off-track. And there it all is, in writing. No take-backs! (Something about keeping a visible count of social approvals on an Aspie support forum seems counter-intuitive to me, sometimes.)

I agree about the counter-intuitive and anxiety-inducing aspects of counting social approvals, however, I'm also a member of a UK ASD forum which doesn't keep count and it feels.. impersonal; you can't like someones post, you don't know if anyone's even read yours.
With the happy little array of expressions we have here on AC, I personally feel like it's similar to, and practice for, real life in the sense that I get feedback either way - I may worry that no-one's 'liked' my post, or I may be chuffed that someone found it 'funny'.

 

[Warmheart]

I wonder if we try so hard to be polite, people-pleasing folk because we sense that we don't "get" the social rules as others do, and perhaps being super-agreeable is a way to avoid conflict. Some of us find society so unpredictable, that we kinda feel that we keep making mistakes, so we need people to give us some slack. We're as diplomatic as possible, to avoid repercussions. We're at enough disadvantage as it is, smoothing things over may permit us to skate by without excessive engagement, in a game we have neither rules nor armor for.

It'd be too doofy for me to wear a badge that says
"Socially clueless, but well-intentioned. Don't mind me. Just carry on as usual. "

PS-- Melissa, thank you for starting this thread. I also just now noticed that you somehow greeted me on this site one Monday. I don't know where to respond (newbie here), so I'd like to say: "Thank you! I wish you a delightful Monday as well!"

 

[Melissa Kay]

I wonder if we try so hard to be polite, people-pleasing folk because we sense that we don't "get" the social rules as others do, and perhaps being super-agreeable is a way to avoid conflict. Some of us find society so unpredictable, that we kinda feel that we keep making mistakes, so we need people to give us some slack. We're as diplomatic as possible, to avoid repercussions. We're at enough disadvantage as it is, smoothing things over may permit us to skate by without excessive engagement, in a game we have neither rules nor armor for.

It'd be too doofy for me to wear a badge that says
"Socially clueless, but well-intentioned. Don't mind me. Just carry on as usual. "

That makes so much sense! I think you're so right. Being on this site I've learned so much and I can not try so hard sometimes. I can let go of what others think of me and relax. Its nice. I love to avoid conflict. Very much. I love being on this site and learning. Reading Aspergirls now too, great so far. Thanks for your relating to me!

As for how to respond on your wall, I think its under My Profile and look at the far right there. You can like or comment. You'll get it. Thanks friend.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

For me, I don't just want what NT's consider as "friends". I want friends that I can depend on to be around for a lifetime because I take friendships very seriously. Trying to make friends for me is kinda like being Aspie. It completely wears me out to find someone and have to go through getting to know everything about them. That's why I don't like dating several people either unless you're just going out for fun like to a party. If I have just a few friends that I can rely on, I don't need to make any more friends. If I put a lot of time into a person it's hard for me to cut them off if they do something I don't like. On the other hand, if a so called friend does something I don't like and I haven't known them long then I don't see any benefit to putting more time into the friendship. How many numbers of friends I have doesn't matter. It's the quality.

Another thing I need to say though is if you make friends with an NT, its hard for them to understand you needing time alone a lot as an Aspie. Friendships are all about doing things together. Younger Aspies probably will have it more difficult to make friends because going out to clubs with each other is socializing along with talking on the phone and texting. It's all about staying connected with each other. As an adult, it might be easier to have "alone" time more and keep a few friends because as people get older they don't have as much time to go out with others and connect socially because of family and jobs. Older people are more apt to text, phone and facebook as a social outlet and call that a friendship.

 

[Melissa Kay]

For me, I don't just want what NT's consider as "friends". I want friends that I can depend on to be around for a lifetime because I take friendships very seriously. Trying to make friends for me is kinda like being Aspie. It completely wears me out to find someone and have to go through getting to know everything about them. That's why I don't like dating several people either unless you're just going out for fun like to a party. If I have just a few friends that I can rely on, I don't need to make any more friends. If I put a lot of time into a person it's hard for me to cut them off if they do something I don't like. On the other hand, if a so called friend does something I don't like and I haven't known them long then I don't see any benefit to putting more time into the friendship. How many numbers of friends I have doesn't matter. It's the quality.

Another thing I need to say though is if you make friends with an NT, its hard for them to understand you needing time alone a lot as an Aspie. Friendships are all about doing things together. Younger Aspies probably will have it more difficult to make friends because going out to clubs with each other is socializing along with talking on the phone and texting. It's all about staying connected with each other. As an adult, it might be easier to have "alone" time more and keep a few friends because as people get older they don't have as much time to go out with others and connect socially because of family and jobs. Older people are more apt to text, phone and facebook as a social outlet and call that a friendship.

Hmm... You gave me a lot to think about. Also, thanks for the reminder about quality over quantity! I seem to forget that sometimes. Im so glad that you responded to this thread. I also forget that im 34 without kids and so the people my age (which I've especially had a hard time making friends with) are busy with marriage and family!

I've decided to see a counselor. What with this new diagnosis and social skills and med changes, I need one. Thanks for your support! Love.