When I was a child I used to socialise and want to play with other kids at times, but I didn't know how to do it, and had social difficulties. I was also quite happy to play on my own and didn't like noisy group playground activities. I had usually one friend and stuck to that person. I could talk to one person individually, or maybe two, but I didn't like groups. When I was about 14 I went through a phase where I found people fake and superficial, and I resented that they would speak to me to say hello or something, but that was about it, they spent the rest of the day ignoring me, so I decided I was better off by myself. I went through a period of depression and withdrew almost completely, and only spoke to people when it was absolutely necessary.
When I went to university, I wanted to make friends and socialise, but I was very socially naive... I went out with the other students, but always felt cut off and that I didn't really belong, I didn't really connect and always felt that it was an illusion and fake, because I was just tagging along and what was the point. There but not there. I always had a lot of anxiety around people and could never relax in social situations. I often went for long walks in the countryside away from campus, or on a bike ride - that was my way of coping with the stress, I needed to get away from the campus and somewhere calmer - I also used the library a lot. So I moved from that residence, and moved to another one away from the main campus where the students were more nerdy, quieter and studious. I became very depressed by the end of my second year, had severe weight loss and nearly quit.
As an adult, I got better with social situations, but could never really connect, had few friends and talked to people, but could never feel like I belong or fit in to a social circle, I always felt like I was tagging along and never felt inside like other people do. Being with people was like watching TV, I'm there but not there, it that makes any sense.
Now, I don't socialise much, I feel like something is broken because I don't want friends, to open up to or to be close to people, I don't need it.