Friends and connections

[scleod]

Not sure how to words this. I dont struggle with people wanting to be MY friend because I am generally speaking a nice person and a great listener. But they cant be a friend TO me because it is not a safe space to let down my guard. Unmask. Open up. Be vulnerable. So I have very very limited friends. Less than a handful.

Do other ND have this problem? Especially with NT? I just cant seem to find many deep meaningful connections. Especially since being diagnosed. I seem to notice how many frivolous things people are consumed by. I am a old school die hard friend. Are people not like that anymore? Thoughts?

 

[AprilR]

I am also like this.

I have friends, but i am always masking with them. I can't seem to be myself around anyone and it is very isolating.

 

[Jenisautistic]

I seem to have this problem.

My main problem is feeling safe enough to be myself to make mistakes and to learn.
Being vulnerable is the hardest thing to do in a friendship at least for me

 

[Azeth]

Honestly. I am like this around strangers as much as I am like this about 'friends'. Truthfully. I've only ever had a few friends in large spaced periods. I've had plenty of acquaintances, however.

But to the point. Even if I do show a little bit of who I am to a friend. I am still masking enough to only share a surface level version of myself. Kinda like fishing around to see how people will react to a very controlled variant of the real me. But it's more so to gauge how comfortable I am with doing so. Though others reactions play a factor too.

I am very insecure about myself, due to alot of factors. Mostly due to personal life problems and tramas. Alot of it is self-imposed, though I am working on slowly changing this.

 

[scleod]

This makes me feel a lot better.

When I think of a friend I dont expect a lot. Kindess. Non judgmental. For them to be themselves weirdness and all. The desire to have deep meaningful conversations not just live on the surface. I can look past many things. Live in a constant state of forgiveness for mistakes made. Look past character flaws, Etc. But even with that. I still struggle to find the depth I desire in a group of people like many people have. I am unwilling to settle for less than. I spend countless hours a week in therapy working through awful trauma to better myself. I look at and face the very flaws that I have and try to better myself. So that I can be a better person. A better friend. Better to myself. Move forward and grow. But I don't see many people with the same ambition or desire as myself to seek out betterment of oneself.

That was super wordy but it is true.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I never had a large circle of friends, prefer it that way. one of the reasons I joined this site few friends i did have passing as I age, This site is great as many of us share the same interests, think in similar ways.Where else could I start a thread on physics see close to 50,000 views. I guess if I had followed my original dream had become a theoretical physicist, I would have found friends in that community. Happy with the way things turned out.

 

[AprilR]

This makes me feel a lot better.

When I think of a friend I dont expect a lot. Kindess. Non judgmental. For them to be themselves weirdness and all. The desire to have deep meaningful conversations not just live on the surface. I can look past many things. Live in a constant state of forgiveness for mistakes made. Look past character flaws, Etc. But even with that. I still struggle to find the depth I desire in a group of people like many people have. I am unwilling to settle for less than. I spend countless hours a week in therapy working through awful trauma to better myself. I look at and face the very flaws that I have and try to better myself. So that I can be a better person. A better friend. Better to myself. Move forward and grow. But I don't see many people with the same ambition or desire as myself to seek out betterment of oneself.

That was super wordy but it is true.

I could have written this myself. It is like i am constantly trying to better myself, but most people i meet just.. Don't care i guess? They settle with being themselves and defending themselves even when they are wrong.

I am trying to stop this, and be more confident in myself but it is also important for me to not lose the few friends i have. Since i don't have anyone else i can rely on in real life

 

[Jenisautistic]

A lot of nd people in my arc program want to be friendly or even friends and I have a hard time letting them in or even knowing what to do when people want to be friendly

Some nts too.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I meet my closest friend in college, did not know at the time we were both ND, he keep approaching me. after classes until I finally started interacting. Basically was not really looking for a friend. thought I had a budding friendship on the college bus. who was a fellow physics enthusiast, who quit the program and changed colleges. So I allowed a friendship to develop with this other classmate. Still friends. almost fifty years later. Actually moved into his parents basement for a few semesters. He meet one of my schoolmates at a party I took him to married her got her pregnant. Now has five daughters. Thats how many of us work hesitant to make friends or start relationships. I was determined to finish college get established in career first Then joined dating site realized I had a rooming house full of eligible women, of which I was the landlord. That's how oblivious we can be.

 

[scleod]

I could have written this myself. It is like i am constantly trying to better myself, but most people i meet just.. Don't care i guess? They settle with being themselves and defending themselves even when they are wrong.

I am trying to stop this, and be more confident in myself but it is also important for me to not lose the few friends i have. Since i don't have anyone else i can rely on in real life

I agree. I am confused as well by this. Their lack of care to move forward and grow. Or is it that they just do not want to put in the hard work and face the pain it takes to smooth out the rough edges. I am not sure why people defend the parts of them that are flaws, not who they are and cant be changed. Some people will ask you to change who you are and that is when you have to put on a mask which can be an impossible task.

I completely understand what you mean. I was forced to lose friends through an accident. It weaned out most of my friends. I was trying hard before to stay connected because of the same reason as you. I had very few and now I have even fewer.

 

[kenaij]

I have absolutely no friends. And completely fine with it. Besides my wife and kids. And some family. I really do not need anyone else.

Like you. There are quite a few people that seem to like me. And take an interest in me. But I really do not feel the need to take it any further than it already is. Mostly this is with people from work. I have had friends in the past. But honostly I really do not need any friends. Too much effort. Too little reward.

 

[TouhouFan28]

Not sure how to words this. I dont struggle with people wanting to be MY friend because I am generally speaking a nice person and a great listener. But they cant be a friend TO me because it is not a safe space to let down my guard. Unmask. Open up. Be vulnerable. So I have very very limited friends. Less than a handful.

Yep relate to this pretty well. The only people I unmask with are online. I'm fine with that. I often times forget neurodivergent people are a minority LMAO! There's so many of us online.

 

[SeeAnemone]

Not sure how to words this. I dont struggle with people wanting to be MY friend because I am generally speaking a nice person and a great listener. But they cant be a friend TO me because it is not a safe space to let down my guard. Unmask. Open up. Be vulnerable. So I have very very limited friends. Less than a handful.

Do other ND have this problem? Especially with NT? I just cant seem to find many deep meaningful connections. Especially since being diagnosed. I seem to notice how many frivolous things people are consumed by. I am a old school die hard friend. Are people not like that anymore? Thoughts?

I struggle with this as well, I can only ever seem to manage what I call "surface level friends" with NTs. They say they are my friend but I just don't feel like they care as much about me as I do about them or that they do not think of or consider me as often as I do them. In my childhood I would only ever have one, very close friend at a time and not need anything else. As an adult, I have no close relationships at all and I always feel like I am missing something, in recent attempts to find a close relationship I seem to have fallen into some bad relationships due to people pleasing (which I am working on and much better about now). I just don't understand how friendships work, how fast or slow they are supposed to go, how much I am supposed to care about someone. I say "there is nothing casual about me" so I have a hard time finding friends because casual friendships do not make sense to me. You are definitely not alone!

 

[scleod]

I struggle with this as well, I can only ever seem to manage what I call "surface level friends" with NTs. They say they are my friend but I just don't feel like they care as much about me as I do about them or that they do not think of or consider me as often as I do them. In my childhood I would only ever have one, very close friend at a time and not need anything else. As an adult, I have no close relationships at all and I always feel like I am missing something, in recent attempts to find a close relationship I seem to have fallen into some bad relationships due to people pleasing (which I am working on and much better about now). I just don't understand how friendships work, how fast or slow they are supposed to go, how much I am supposed to care about someone. I say "there is nothing casual about me" so I have a hard time finding friends because casual friendships do not make sense to me. You are definitely not alone!

I definitely fall into the "fast" friend category as well and cannot do the casual. I am a ride or die almost instantly. That is just who I am. But I can also drop friends easy to because I wont let them hurt me. Which is shocking in NT culture. My grace and forgiveness only lasts for so long I wont allow myself to be a door mat so I would rather not have a friend than be stomped on.

 

[Lou Laurinen]

You sound exactly like me. It's extremely difficult for me to open up to anyone or let anyone in because I've been hurt in the past.
I'm also a "ride or die" friend, and I take loyalty, honor, integrity, transparency, and kindness very seriously in friendships, and I'm quick to drop people when I don't get these things. I expect my friends to treat me the way I treat them.

I've ended a lot of friendships over people continuing to pal around with people who mistreated me. Maybe I'm old-fashioned but I find that incredibly disloyal. When someone is mean to my friends, they're not a friend of mine either, that's for sure.

The close friends I do have, which aren't many, are some of the most important and most cherished people in my life and I'm deeply attached to them and love them very much. I think one of the reasons I've been hurt so much by friends in the past is that I love too hard but I think at times I also give too much benefit of the doubt. But I've gotten a lot better at shutting people out quickly when they treat me badly. People basically get one strike now, if they are deliberately mean or bully me at all, I'm out.

It's gotten harder over the years for me to make friends, and keep friends, the more serious I've gotten about setting boundaries. But if someone isn't a good friend and the relationship isn't reciprocal, there's no reason to keep that person in your life. I know I sound cynical but I've had some of the worst of the worst when it comes to toxic friends. Both NT and ND.

Sorry to hear you have the same struggles, but I'm glad someone can relate to me on this. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too harsh or my standards are too high.

 

[scleod]

I dont think you are being harsh or having to high of standards at ALL. Honestly I have never had a ND friend until recently. Always having NT friends, I have done the same "dance" as you. And yes it may be seen as "cynical". I see it as truthful or reality. ND people see the word different. We peel back the layer of falsehood, hidden truths, disingenuous behaviors and its met with truth, love and authenticity.

I've always been the best friend. The shoulder to cry on. The"oh I love her". But I am never met with the same caliber of friendship I have brought to the table. As you said you have problems with. I do have a couple people now. But even family does not match my love and friendship where it is at. Which can be exhausting when you always out grow people. Especially being ND seeking/ craving familiar routines. Throwing meeting new friends or possibly new failures into the mix is exhausting.

You are very much like me. I am sorry you have went through all of this as well. It is pretty amazing you have kept high standards and stayed true to yourself. Would be easier to cave and accept less than.

 

[Lou Laurinen]

I dont think you are being harsh or having to high of standards at ALL. Honestly I have never had a ND friend until recently. Always having NT friends, I have done the same "dance" as you. And yes it may be seen as "cynical". I see it as truthful or reality. ND people see the word different. We peel back the layer of falsehood, hidden truths, disingenuous behaviors and its met with truth, love and authenticity.

I've always been the best friend. The shoulder to cry on. The"oh I love her". But I am never met with the same caliber of friendship I have brought to the table. As you said you have problems with. I do have a couple people now. But even family does not match my love and friendship where it is at. Which can be exhausting when you always out grow people. Especially being ND seeking/ craving familiar routines. Throwing meeting new friends or possibly new failures into the mix is exhausting.

You are very much like me. I am sorry you have went through all of this as well. It is pretty amazing you have kept high standards and stayed true to yourself. Would be easier to cave and accept less than.

Thank you for your kind reply. I appreciate it.
I've always been the "best friend" and the "oh I love her" to everyone too. Until recently I never really felt like I had a best friend in real life but now I most certainly do. He holds his friends to the same standard that I do and he's second only to my husband in terms of people I love unconditionally.

"Outgrowing people" is a great way to put it. Some people just don't want to put in the effort, sadly. And in this day and age, a lot of people are very arrogant and self-centered and treat their friends like background characters.

I hope someday you will find the friendship you deserve. There are still good people out there, it can just be difficult to find them. You should be proud of yourself for having strong moral convictions and being a good friend.

 

[Cassandra65]

Not sure how to words this. I dont struggle with people wanting to be MY friend because I am generally speaking a nice person and a great listener. But they cant be a friend TO me because it is not a safe space to let down my guard. Unmask. Open up. Be vulnerable. So I have very very limited friends. Less than a handful.

Do other ND have this problem? Especially with NT? I just cant seem to find many deep meaningful connections. Especially since being diagnosed. I seem to notice how many frivolous things people are consumed by. I am a old school die hard friend. Are people not like that anymore? Thoughts?

I also struggle to open up. I've had too many negative responses in the past. I've also also despair of finding friends with real values; honesty, reliablity, loyalty; like you most of the people I meet are obsessed with what to me are irrelevances ('bread and circuses'); I have no interest and no skill in 'small talk'. I've supported so many friends when they needed me, but been left high and dry when I needed them, e.g., around 18 months ago a 'friend' of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer: I went with her to appointments, biopsies and so on, I studied her notes and explained them and researched the latest treatments etc (I have a background in cancer research), did shopping and cleaning for her when she was ill from her chemo (even though I'm disabled myself and in a lot of pain), and did everything I could to help. But 12 months later (when she was healthy and in remission) my dad died, and she didn't even ring me! I think the media (particularly but not limited to social media) encourages people to be self-centred and shallow.

 

[Cassandra65]

I seem to have this problem.

My main problem is feeling safe enough to be myself to make mistakes and to learn.
Being vulnerable is the hardest thing to do in a friendship at least for me

It's hard to feel confident exposing your inner self when so many people are so quick to judge and shun you as a result.

 

[Cassandra65]

I never had a large circle of friends, prefer it that way. one of the reasons I joined this site few friends i did have passing as I age, This site is great as many of us share the same interests, think in similar ways.Where else could I start a thread on physics see close to 50,000 views. I guess if I had followed my original dream had become a theoretical physicist, I would have found friends in that community. Happy with the way things turned out.

I've had a varied life and career, but I fitted in best while working as a medical research scientist. I think there is probably a much greater proportion of us NDs in the sciences than in the rest of the workforce. Glad you're happy as you are.