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So my ex messaged me after almost 2 year of no contact

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Jena, Jun 15, 2020.

  1. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    So this guy I dated for 2 years broke up with me in 2018 randomly and suddenly. He had not spoke to me at all until this last saturday which took me by suprised.

    To sum it up he asked if I am doing ok during this pandemic and after going off on him breaking my heart he applogizes and admits he was a jerk and then he said that I deserve to be happy and deserve to be with someone who makes me happy and told me if I wanted any advice or help he is here to text and then ask me if I would like to be friends.

    AND I really cannot figure out why out of the blue this is happening.

    Like first off he broke up with me. He is the one that ended it. I am having a hard time figuring out his reasoning to reaching out to me out of the blue.

    When I told my family this they all warned me to be careful

    So I am having a hard time figuring out what he meant by all that idk but it really took me by suprise.
     
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  2. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Hmmmm. Yes, two years is a long time with utterly no contact after a breakup. On the bright side, perhaps he simply dwelled on what he did and his conscience finally told him to reach out to you and sincerely apologize.

    On the dark side of things, I think your family covered it quite well. To be careful.

    Sorry, no way to really weigh one consideration over the other. Perhaps it might be best to let him make the next move, to perhaps get a better understanding of what his intentions really are. Though I don't think you are under any obligation to respond, if it seems too hurtful to do so.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2020
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  3. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    Perhaps, the main reason why he dumped me was because of his family. His family refused to accept me because I wasn't jewish. And because of this my ex constantly had to hide me from them, and we wouldn't go on much dates because his family always came up with things to do. Literally I invited him to my 21st birthday where we were going to the aquarium and I gave a whole month advance notice and at the last minute told me he couldn't come because of a family barbecue. LIKE SEIROUSLY A FAMILY BARBECUE MORE IMPORTANT THEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S 21ST BIRTHDAY?????????.

    My point being my family doesn't even need to worry about me with this because I already told him I would rather not ever see in person cause that is way more uncomfterble then hiding behind a phone and texting someone. And true I don't need to respond but so far he hasn't said anything hurtful or mean to me at all. I would only choose not to respond to someone purposely being mean to me. When we were dating the most hurtful thing he has done was not been there for me and not give me any attention or affection for months and months.

    I also read many articles saying covid-19 is making people reach out to their exs so that is interesting.

    Bright side: I am flattered though someone was thinking about me. I honestly didn't think anyone ever thought about me and that I was always invisible.
     
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  4. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    That actually makes much more sense. He just may be quite transparent under such circumstances. Yet under those conditions of cultural/religious differences, family pressures may simply be too great for him to overcome.

    Indeed, for many they have much more time on their hands than before. Allowing them to reflect a lot on their past.

    But in the end it may be in your best interest to move on altogether. ;)
     
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  5. disconnected

    disconnected Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Gut reaction, maybe he had two girlfriends and used the family excuse to sneak away? Maybe he dated the other person and they just broke up and he’s looking for comfort. Sudden break up is common to someone finding another person. :(. Best of luck .
     
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  6. menander

    menander Well-Known Member

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    Religion can be one of the strongest motivations of someone's life. It was right for him to be so clear. Everyone wants honesty in a relationship and it became quite clear that it would not work because of his religion.

    A BBQ to a Jewish person would indeed be precluded. He may have loved you dearly, but he cannot violate his religious mandates. People have died in many and horrible ways because of their religion and love is not, in many cases, stronger than millennia of religious practice.

    However, it was very kind for him to call you. He probably still thinks of you. It really sounds like he loved you.

    Also keep in mind that individuals with strong religious backgrounds often vacillate when it comes to adherence. Someone may be very observant early and not so much later or go back to their heritage and become much more observant.

    I know he hurt you, but try to see that there are centuries and centuries of powerful things behind that hurt. It was not just him being a jerk.

    Of course, I don't know him at all, but he does not seem to be jerky in how you described it. But you are one of us, so of course, we care about you and are here to support you. So I hope you know I am just offering this as my own observations! :)
     
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  7. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    People sometimes just need a break. Two years is not all that long actually, as it took my EX 21 years to contact me and apologize for leaving me. Of course, I had been long remarried by that time.

    Maybe just call your EX back if you are interested in talking?
     
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  8. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    funny thing you did mention that because there was actually another girl who claimed to be his fiance. So okay first off when him and I were in the car I was snuggling into him and he was texting "I love you so much baby" to someone else. Which really hurt a lot but he claimed it to be his cousin which my mom has very hard time believing.

    Then there was this girl the one that called him his fiance, well one day I notice one of his friend's had a profile picture of both of them together. That didn't bother me as much as the two comments saying how much of a cute couple they were. Which made my heart drop so I went and tried to comfort this female why are people calling them a couple. And instantly she told me I wasn't his girlfriend, and that he is marrying her and that he doesn't love me anymore and that well broke me. I tried talking to him about it but he insisited that he had no idea what she was talking about. I showed the messages to my neurotypical cousin to see what she thought and she believed she was trying to mess with me. Meanwhile my mom thought she was telling the truth. SO IDK WHO TO BELIEVE. Now if I saw something in person, that is much more easier to believe then through facebook.
     
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  9. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    he was texting not calling. Oh god Idk if I would pick up the phone if he called :O. EXACTLY THAT IS WHAT I TOLD MY MOM. It is primarly my mom, my brother and my dad who all think he was a jerk. When I tried explaining it was his religion. And of course they always be like "stop defending him" and im like not defending him but also realize that it wasn't typically in his control.

    I really hate it when religion gets in the way of relationships. And honestly what I learned from this relationship is I am gonna strongly make sure who ever I date doesn't come from a highly religous background. Because from what I have experience it doesn't turn out good. I mean his parents didn't even want to meet me! We were together for 2 years and I not once have seen his parents, and yes he told them about me but they asked right away if I was jewish. Which you know it hurts because I wasn't born jewish. I don't come from a jewish family. I have no control over that. I offered to convert but he said it won't matter if I do because they still wouldn't accept me as I wasn't born jewish. It's not right..
     
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  10. Jena

    Jena Well-Known Member

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    21 years????????????????? That is literally almost my age. That is a long time. (im 22).
     
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  11. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    She was very strong willed, and needed to apologize. She abandoned me 21 years earlier, and at the time was two months pregnant. Meanwhile, I never knew about the pregnancy and still do not know if the kid is mine.
     
    Last edited: Jun 17, 2020
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  12. Yeshuasdaughter

    Yeshuasdaughter Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It means he loves you and he's sorry.
     
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  13. BradT

    BradT Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry you went through that, but maybe to him his family comes first before anything else.
     
  14. BradT

    BradT Well-Known Member

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    I mean this girl in high school said, hey Brad it's my birthday and I said and?
     
  15. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    He wants to get in touch with you and try to be friends or even build up to have you as a girlfriend again. If you want to give him a chance, you need to let him know. Do you prefer to receive texting? I would highly recommend audio as it will give him a chance to express emotions and tone and will limit misunderstandings for such emotionally layered events. If you're afraid you can't trust him with your actual phone number, create an account in Discord or Skype for example and do audio through that. If he's not okay with whatever conditions you set, just tell him you're not interested and time to move on.

    If you feel comfortable and want to meet him in-person, start with a public place. Since we're in a pandemic, pick a place you can be outside. Specify if he needs to wear a mask around you and socially distance when you two talk. Or, do take out and go elsewhere to another public spot. Even an unoccupied street corner will do. It doesn't have to look nice. It just has to be public and during the day.
     
  16. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If he's devoted both to his family and to his faith and either or both prevent him from dating you then I see two options: 1) If you want to be his friend and only a friend and you can separate/bury your romantic past with him and feel rewarded having a strictly platonic friendship with him...go for it. 2) Feel flattered that he contacted you again, "catch up" in a conversation on what each of you has been up to and move on with your life.

    Perhaps he has a healthy relationship with his family and they all have healthy boundaries with each other. That was not the case with my ex wife and her parents. They had a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship and no boundaries. It made for a toxic relationship that wasn't sustainable in a healthy way for us.
     
  17. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you want to consider risking having/building another relationship with all the emotions that may come with it, see how he is with religion and his family. Is he definitely independent from these things in a way that would not affect a future relationship with you? I wouldn't jump right into one, but you can certainly give him a chance by letting him speak to you in-person or via phone. Ultimately, the choice is yours. Just take precautions to build it however you want to build it initially.