So it is me again! Does anyone find it pretty impossible to ask for things?

[Suzanne]

I am terrible for this! I find it incredibly embarrassing to ask someone for help etc. I even feel it when others relate how they were stuck and phoned a friend to ask for help and I am thinking: but if they are a friend, surely they would know you need help?

I still cannot get my head around that even friends need to be asked. To me, a friend will know to ask. Isn't that what friendship is all about?

I am worse now then ever before, because it is only when I begin to appreciate the concept of what friendship means, I begin to think that when one knows you are unwell, they will ask if they can do something?

My husband tells me that people have their own lives and just not going to constantly think about what their friends need, and yes, we do have our own lives and yes again, it is true that I have to make a concentrated effort to text a friend (heavens, I do have a few lol). But when it is rather obvious that the person needs help but no offer is given, does that not show a lack of friendship?

I had an emergency dentist appointment (hate them with a passion) and my husband could not help due to having had an operation and I had no choice but to ask if someone would take me and it was crushingly embarrassing and I felt I was such an inconvenience. When I did find someone, I read her emotions wrong and what I thought was an annoying look aimed at me, for being so inconvenient, she explained (voluntarily) that she was thinking that she was sure that day was free, but mentally checking, so there you go, I often misread facial expressions and more often or not, think they are aimed at me, but hey, lol never the positive ones!!!

 

[Harrison]

I don't ask for help, even when I obviously need it, and I have no idea why. Generally I just muddle through or, in a couple of cases, get so close to drowning I had to grab my bootstraps.

 

[Suzanne]

I don't ask for help, even when I obviously need it, and I have no idea why. Generally I just muddle through or, in a couple of cases, get so close to drowning I had to grab my bootstraps.

Usually, it ends up my husband asking for me and that gets me equally freaked out because in my mind, their choice has been removed and makes me feel like drowning and lol since none of my shoes or boots, have straps, I need hubs to drag me out!

 

[The Penguin]

I found this a huge issue since I moved to Nova Scotia. Many people I meet here are not dependable including government suppose to help people with disabilities. It took 5 years to find someone to offer useful help. In Ontario it only take months.

 

[Mytrice]

I do exactly the same thing as you. I find it extremely difficult and embarrassing to ask for help. My friends ask me for help and I do what I can to help them but I find it difficult to ask them in return.

I can't bear it when a teacher realises that I need help. I fear being given extra help for things because it would just be humiliating.

I seem to be quite content to struggle along than get the problem solved by someone else.

 

[Judge]

I don't ask for help, even when I obviously need it, and I have no idea why. Generally I just muddle through or, in a couple of cases, get so close to drowning I had to grab my bootstraps.

I am soooooooooo guilty as charged.

The odd thing is that I see nothing wrong with people reaching out for help. Yet another daily contradiction in the life of this Aspie. I suppose it didn't help working in a "sink-or-swim" work environment for nearly 20 years. Clearly it conditioned me. I guess eventually I'll go down with the the Titanic some day.

 

[Suzanne]

I found this a huge issue since I moved to Nova Scotia. Many people I meet here are not dependable including government suppose to help people with disabilities. It took 5 years to find someone to offer useful help. In Ontario it only take months.

Perhaps it is because they cannot fathom a real life Penguin asking for help and then that one person, who appreciates Penguins have rights too, come to our Penguin's aid eh?

 

[Spiller]

To me, a friend will know to ask. Isn't that what friendship is all about?

when it is rather obvious that the person needs help but no offer is given, does that not show a lack of friendship?

When my father died, a man I've known for four years or so stepped up, without being asked and stood by my family and myself throughout the funeral day.
I've never had anyone help me like that before and it was my first experience of someone fulfilling what I would define as friendship.. selflessly giving to someone I care about - how I would be and have been in the past, to people who've just taken advantage in various ways; borrowing money, free work, etc.. something I think us Aspies tend to be prone to.
I've never been able to ask anyone for help myself, just too.. embarrassed? Shamed? Humiliated? I'm not sure exactly what the feeling is.. I don't know why, maybe it's a hard lesson we learn, over and over, not to ask, right back to that vulnerable child we were at school, because there's always a price?
I still can't ask my friend for help, but he knows it and understands that that's just the way I am.

 

[clg114]

I am somewhat surprised that so many here have this problem. I have always had this problem of not wanting to ask for help. I never really thought about it until now. I am a fairly independent person and I am usually the one giving the help. I'm just not sure why I do not like to ask for help. Stupid male pride? Or is it a Aspie trait?

 

[Ellylldan]

Mmm... Once I had to walk home from the center of the town (I live just out of town) because in the afternoon bus drivers were striking and I didn't know about it... There are my husband's parents and other relatives that live in the town who would be happy to bring me home if I asked (my husband himself was away), but I just couldn't make myself bother them calling and asking for help, plus it was a dinner time. Later they scolded me for not calling them.. Good thing it was summer but afterwards I had painful blisters for a week and thought that maybe I should wear hiking boots going to the center next time, hehe.

I see that most of people in the world don't have any problem asking for help and for me it's something totally unthinkable!

 

[Suzanne]

I am somewhat surprised that so many here have this problem. I have always had this problem of not wanting to ask for help. I never really thought about it until now. I am a fairly independent person and I am usually the one giving the help. I'm just not sure why I do not like to ask for help. Stupid male pride? Or is it a Aspie trait?

When my husband pointed out that there is nothing wrong in asking for help and that, people have their own lives and then, I had no choice but to ask for help, to get to a dentist appointment, which I hasten to add, had I not been in such awful pain, I would have not even contemplated making the appointment and also, I tried to make it, before my husband had to go in to hospital, for his operation, but typically, the only one available was for after his op and it was that ie asking and afterwards, that I got to thinking about it but never associated it to an aspie thing, but suddenly, today, I wondered if indeed, it is, and so, it appears such, for the people we know who are most certainly not aspies, have no problem asking for help and that includes my husband and sometimes, I am in awe with his apparent audacity and say: but why ask, when they know your situation, surely they should volunteer ie take the initiative and I do not think my thinking process is an aspie trait here, I believe it is common human decency to be honest!!

 

[Axeman52]

I'm not good at asking for help or favours from people and things. I don't know what the problem is so I am nowhere near finding a way to overcome this.

For example my cousin has a house full of musical equipment that he rarely occupies because he has a kid in eastern europe that he goes to stay with regularly, and other family members have told me he wouldn't mind giving me the keys to his house to use the equipment while he's away, which would be very good, but for some reason I just can't get myself to ask and I'm not sure why... Even though I have collected parcels for him while he's away and stuff.

 

[The Penguin]

Perhaps it is because they cannot fathom a real life Penguin asking for help and then that one person, who appreciates Penguins have rights too, come to our Penguin's aid eh?

You could be right. Maybe people are goats in Nova Scotia? It just the first random animal comes to my head.

 

[Ellylldan]

but why ask, when they know your situation, surely they should volunteer ie take the initiative and I do not think my thinking process is an aspie trait here, I believe it is common human decency to be honest!!

Sometimes I find myself thinking like this, but, to be honest, I'm trying to not expect anything from anyone. I mean, they they don't have to help me if they don't want to. Any time I catch the slightest feeling that someone helping me because they're expected to but not because they really want it, I feel so uncomfortable and somehow guilty... Yeah, I might as well be over-thinking it.

Actually, thinking about it, I don't have only a problem with asking for help but it's not always easy for me to offer my help either. I mean, if I see someone could use help, I do offer it, but only once. If person doesn't take it, out of pride or doesn't want to disturb, or whatever their reason is, I just say that if they change their mind, I'm here available for help. And I drop that topic, I don't insist. Because, offering it, I really mean it and I don't want to put someone in difficult situation insisting too much. Because I wouldn't like to be in such a situation myself. But, as i noticed, in human society often you're expected to offer it again and again to "prove" your will to help, in my experience, at least. Many times I was told that not doing it can be considered "not being nice enough". This is confusing for me. I often hear about someone who was offering help all the time, and people were like: "oh, this is such a sweet person!". And I could be there too, offering it once and the result was the same - people didn't use any help at last - but my offer went unnoticed and the insisting person was praised.
This thing doesn't make me angry of anything, it just confuses me. Sometimes human relations just don't make any sense to me... Most of the times, actually!

 

[wyverary]

It's all about the people around you and the friends you have. Friends I've had in the past (well, so-called "friends," at least) I could not imagine telephoning and asking them for help. Nowadays, I do have at least one very close friend whom I know I can call to ask for assistance, whether it be something practical or something on an emotional level (usually the latter). And if it's something practical, I know I have family who care on whom I can rely.

I only wish all my Aspie brethren were so lucky.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I don't like asking for help because I seem to invariably find the arrogant know-it-all that will make a few snide remarks about how stupid I am for needing help with such a simple task. I prefer to do as much research and observing as possible, and reserve asking for help as a last resort unless it's somebody I've already tested to be a good person to ask.

 

[Spiller]

But, as i noticed, in human society often you're expected to offer it again and again to "prove" your will to help, in my experience, at least. Many times I was told that not doing it can be considered "not being nice enough". This is confusing for me. I often hear about someone who was offering help all the time, and people were like: "oh, this is such a sweet person!".

I've experienced this too Ellylldan, I think it's down to the body language thing, the way an NT knows how to come across the way they intend to. If others offer help all the time it's "Sweet", "Kind hearted", whatever. When I have, it's creepy, stalky, or oddly ignored as if I hadn't said it aloud!?
Humans are such an strange species!

 

[Ellylldan]

I've experienced this too Ellylldan, I think it's down to the body language thing, the way an NT knows how to come across the way they intend to. If others offer help all the time it's "Sweet", "Kind hearted", whatever. When I have, it's creepy, stalky, or oddly ignored as if I hadn't said it aloud!?
Humans are such an strange species!

Yeah, indeed! I like to watch humans in their natural habitat but they still puzzle me and I don't seem to be able to imitate their behaviour well enough! I guess one of the reasons is that I am very conscious about everything I do and say and it never comes out as natural and fluently as for NTs (with very few exceptions), instead I just appear pretty awkward most of times.

 

[Etzelaire]

Sometimes while working out I am with the top weight I can handle and obviously need help but don't ask for it and I have had several... Weights have fallen on me, but I don't lift much so nothing important, this extends to erverything else.

 

[epath13]

I have no problem asking for help. I'm not sure when I learned how to do it, but I have done it in the past and still do it if I have to. I have more issues recognizing when people need help and sometimes I give too little or too much, disproportionate to what is actually required from me.