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Remembering years of bullying.

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Ameriblush, Dec 3, 2017.

  1. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    Lately I've been having flashbacks of the days when I got bullied in school. They range from the typical teasing, to having things thrown at me, gossiped about, falsely accused of vandalism, being called mentally challenged, 'roasted' by the entire classroom when I had done nothing wrong or didn't say anything at all, and eventually ignore by adults when I complained and after that, beaten up.

    It got to the point where I threw a chair at another student's face, I made plans to bring weapons to school, I became suicidal for awhile, and I became a giant whiny misanthrope who blamed everything on my parents, my ancestors, my friends, my country, my generation, my gender, etc, and threatened to never go to college.

    I became afraid of making certain face expressions, talking louder than a whisper, moving in a certain way, or looking at anybody because it seemed like anything I did to signify that I existed caught my bullies' attention and made them make fun of me. I was made fun of for everything ranging from my hair, clothes, face, teeth, voice, introversion, shyness, skinny-ness, skin color, smile, walk style, running style, virgin status (this was in MIDDLE/HIGH SCHOOL FOR CHRISSAKE).

    I was accused of being homosexual for awhile because of my close friendship with a friend who was the same gender as I was and was the subject of lewd questions for a short time. I was thought of as mentally challenged because of my low grade scores in math, my introversion, my voice, and my mannerisms. I also had this uncomfortable habit of laughing at something funny I had witnessed earlier in the middle of class and doing a poor job hiding it, so I was mocked continuously, even by strangers walking down the street or the sidewalk.
    I couldn't escape at home, either.

    People threatened to follow me home and knew where I lived to beat me up and kill me, and I heard giggling from classmates when I bumped into them at the grocery store with my parents. Kids would make jokes about shooting me or said I was smoking weed or getting biblical with some other "undesirable" in the school who was often in special ed or disabled. A boy in a wheelchair was asked if he wanted to date me, and he jokingly sped off screaming. I wanted to die slowly and painfully.

    Teachers somehow never believed me, accused me of being sensitive or igniting it, saying both parties were wrong, lying about it, doing it for attention, and even considered me mentally insane because I complained about someone talking about me behind me, and they thought I was hearing voices.

    I am not even joking.

    They thought. I was. Hearing. Mother. Effing. Voices. And the idiotic, misbegotten, brainless piles of dog waste called my parents and said that. Understandably, they were raging at the phone.

    To this day it all still bothers me because I never got justice. It didn't stop until the 3rd year of high school. I never got to beat up any of my bullies. The only saving grace came when one of them suddenly came up to me in the high school library one day and apologized for some of the children's behavior then.

    I accepted it, and thought it was strange since he was one of the lesser tormentors. I felt better about that, but even with that, even with the fact that most of them grew out of the phase, even though I gained a decent gang of friends by the end of high school, I'm still disturbed by it. Why was I sought out? Why did the adults victim blame me? Why did I not get screened for autism earlier? Would I have gotten a better education if I did?

    I realized alot of my bad grades were related to my aspergers and my bullying. Thinking about this, I rage at the system and wonder how much better my life would have been if people had noticed the signs. My parents screamed at me at the time for being lazy, ignorant, b*tchy, forgetful, being just like my mother (who was a hoarder and abusive) trifling, 'what's wrong with you', 'focus', 'stop making up excuses', 'you're just not trying hard enough' etc. I've internalized it to eingeladen point where I'm currently failing college, and I blamed myself for everything I've been doing wrong.

    I am even reluctant for asking for accomodations, because my grandparents will simply say I'm taking the easy way out, or its all in my head. They got p*ssed at me when my ocd exploded and i started checking outlets and ovens and claimed I simply wasn't trying hard enough to suppress it. When I told them I might have narcolepsy, I lied and said a staff member at school recommended me to get checked by a doctor, because if I said I had my own fears about it, they'd ignore me.

    Heck, I had an infection once and felt it, and they were reluctant to arrange a doctor's appointment for a week. I went, they didn't find anything immediately, and concluded that I was a hypochondriac. Days later they found signs of a raging infestation and gave me pills.

    All of these things make me hate my life and hate everyone in it. It's distracting me from my work, and I just want to give up and do something else. I'm frequent told I'm just a quitter, and have gotten screamed at in the name of 'tough love', only for it on succeed in making me feel like a bigger c*nt than ever before. I feel like the current system I'm in is broken and im wasting time. I don't know what to do anymore.
     
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  2. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Things like this always come back. Unfortunately. Especially after the kind of home life you described. What worked for me for a time was to ignore people and do my thing. I don't have advice or tricks. I can only say that it's shitty, cruel and unfair but this is what life is and it needs to be accepted or thrown away. You were strong enough not to break down completely under bullies, you're strong enough to get through this now.

    That's not to say we don't have your back here. Keep tight.
     
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  3. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like you were are and living through Hell with family and peers. But don't shoot yourself in the foot to get even. If you can succeed in school you'll get even. If you can, narrow your focus to your schoolwork and try to block out the painful memories. Also change those old tapes playing in your head- they were wrong and undermine your efforts so they need to be re-recorded to reflect positive affirmations. If you listen to those old tapes the bastards will always win. AND remember, just because your parents, teachers, other relatives and people in authority told you something doesn't make it true!!!
     
  4. Gritches

    Gritches The Happy Dog V.I.P Member

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    Wow, I'm really sorry to hear this was and is happening to you. I'm not sure how to help in a practical sense, but I can tell you this for sure:

    The first step in recovering from complex (multiple and ongoing) traumas is establishing a sense of safety, and by recovering I mean really healing instead of just pushing through Hell. It doesn't sound like you have that sense of safety or ever really did; it sounds like you're still in Hell.

    It's a little above my pay grade to know what you should do in your specific situation, but generally you would be well-served by working towards establishing that sense of safety, which often means independence if your current caretakers are part of what's keeping you from that sense of safety (independence relatively speaking, if you can't be independent there are still other people who can help).
     
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  5. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    Thanks so much. I'm currently drawing concept art for a story and creating music, so I'm trying to distract myself through that. It adds to my angst about schooling since I'm supposed to be enrolled for IT, but I'm thinking about going into animation, and I'd have to leave my current place.o_O
     
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  6. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    I get that idea.:) I'm learning to be no nonsense, but it's a long road. OCD thought looping doesn't help though, which means trying to think of a means to get through somehow...
     
  7. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    Thank you so much for the concern, and i wish good fortune to you and everybody else for the suggestions.:) I see the independent thing, it's scary to think about, since I've never been truly alone before. Now, I should definately add that lately, they have been my biggest support group, but mostly misunderstand my situation. I should try finding safety in myself fjrst, then figure out what to do with my parents.:openmouth:
     
  8. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Sometimes a voice in my head from my past will surprise me, as I'm doing something, ridiculing me in some way. I've learned to fight those bullying voices, that I internalized throughout much of my childhood and teenage years.

    At times I can even identify who said that to me, by the sound of the voice. When it catches me by surprise, or off guard I cut it off completely with absolutely brutal language. At other times, when I hear something of these voices from the past, I provide a long list of counter evidence that is so extensive and contrary to the insult, that the bullying voice never returns. Sometimes I've given the bully a stupid name, "Oh it's the idiot king or the drooling vampire princess." And those bullying morons don't return as often as they used to. They don't like to be proven wrong.
     
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2017
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  9. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    Giving them a silly name and shouting them down with facts and language?;) I've heard of that once before, and I like the sound of it now! Just thinking about it helps a little.
     
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  10. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    How do you establish a 'sense of safety'?
     
  11. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    'Supposed to'? The only thing you're really supposed to do is to enrol for course or courses you have chosen and want to study. I don't know your circumstances but if IT is something others push on you or the only possible choice in your living place... Then maybe leaving wouldn't be that bad if it was decided by you alone. I have left my country and, although it didn't heal me, I feel that with time I will be able to start. Not seeing my abusers and knowing that they are on the other side of the continent is definitely an advantage as well.
     
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  12. Gritches

    Gritches The Happy Dog V.I.P Member

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    I should've probably explained that better. First, what a sense of safety is NOT: being in a home, work, school, or other life setting where traumatic events are continuing to occur on a regular enough basis that you fear the next trauma happening. If you're being bullied at school or work, or if who you're living with (parents, significant other, roommates, etc) is abusive, you most likely lack a basic sense of safety in that environment.

    Establishing a sense of safety, it then follows, is eliminating the source of these occurring and future traumas by doing something like changing schools/job, leaving an abusive spouse, etc. A basic sense of safety in your own environment is extremely important for your mental and emotional health, and a lack of one can and often does result in Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), as many of us know from our experiences being bullied throughout school (even if we had a decent home life). From what I read on here and from my real-world interactions, it seems C-PTSD is absolutely rampant throughout the autism community for just that reason.

    Which makes me a saaaaaaad panda.
     
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  13. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    I guess a better say to say is, I originally wanted IT because I was in love with it when I went to pick what school I was going to, and as far as my parents know that's what I'm doing. But I'm thinking of changing it now. I think I'll try to build myself up before I try to gain complete independence from my current family.:kissing:
     
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  14. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    Maybe I can learn to be nicer to myself instead of hard on myself. Any insults I get these days is from myself.:pensive:
     
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  15. Ameriblush

    Ameriblush Violin player.

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    Complex PTSD? I've never heard of that before, but I could research that. Maybe it would help me explain PTSD in general to other people, since everyone I know seems to think it's something only war vets and police get.:wink: Maybe I can help spread awareness.
     
  16. Gritches

    Gritches The Happy Dog V.I.P Member

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    People do typically think "vet" when they hear about PTSD, and rightly so (I can't imagine what PTSD from prolonged exposure to combat would be like), but anyone who experiences more than one trauma over a prolonged period of time can develop C-PTSD, which is contrasted from Simple PTSD in that S-PTSD is from a singular event, like a car accident.

    Bullying and abusive relationships are common causes, if I recall correctly it involves an uneven power dynamic like between school authorities and students (or an overly-dominant and abusive spouse/partner). It's worth a Google, it explained a lot for me.
     
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  17. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

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    Agree that sense of safety is critically important. If you can't relocate to another physical environment which feels safe then sometimes you can create a place of safety in your mind and go there if you need to. Maybe imagine a place where you are safe- make it detailed, check in with all your senses to ground yourself there and make it a place you go back to when you need to feel safe.
     
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  18. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Its very common for children societies (at school) to be jungle like, survival of the strongest. I'm guessing kids boost themselves up in their peers eyes by pushing someone else down. In these societies fitting in perfectly is very important and any difference is cause for rejection. As such it had nothing to do with you. You just were different. I always thought such societies were mindless and stupid. I have no respect for that kind of behavior. Try to think of it as a difficult and hostile stretch of territory you had cross. You made it thru. The idiots who dwelt there are not worth dwelling on. Rise above it.
     
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  19. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Such memories have faded for me, but have never gone away. Though I like to think that perhaps most of them grew up into being responsible adults rather than the bullies they were in earlier times.
     
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  20. onlything

    onlything Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ah yes. C-PTSD. It's sad but it's reality. What to do but to accept it?
     
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