1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Relationship Anxiety Issues

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by nhenke93, Oct 10, 2019.

  1. nhenke93

    nhenke93 Outdoorsman

    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2019
    Karma:
    +19
    I have always had issues with anxiety, but I know how to deal with it, generally speaking. When it comes to relationships, I just can't figure out how to cope!!
    I have a wonderful girlfriend right now. She knows I have high-functioning autism and works with me to make sure we are both happy. We trust each other, and we go do fun things to take our minds off of the negative things in life. However, I will often get anxious over SIMPLY POINTLESS things and get depressed, tired and demotivated.
    Example: She is at work, and I'm minding my own business, or even working as well. All of a sudden, I think about the evil "what ifs" such as, what if she cheats? What if she doesnt respond to my last text?
    I understand she is busy and that she has things to do and that she likes her independence as well. She always responds at some point, which then the anxiety cools down, but still lingers.

    How in the WORLD can I accept my anxiety, and cope?? It is driving me insane, and I've basically run out of ideas. I am very impatient and very passive.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 6
    • Useful Useful x 1
  2. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,242
    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2014
    Karma:
    +6,999
    Talk to your girlfriend about your "needless" anxiety issues and since you say she is wonderful and works with you, then she will understand that even if she is busy, a quick: hi, thinking of you. Or: hey, look forward to seeing you this evening etc etc, then that will relieve your anxiety.

    But in fact, it is normal to feel anxious with things like this. Especially when a relationship is going so well and you suffer from horrible anxiety and depression ( oh boy, how I know that feeling well), then it is normal to start panicking and this is where the loved one comes into the "game", by accepting the reality and dealing with it in a loving way.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  3. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,467
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2013
    Karma:
    +1,058
    I would also suggest you look into investing into a therapist and/or life coach you can see regularly to talk out your issues with a third party. He/she may be able to help you resolve your thoughts as they come up so that you can keep yourself in check for your emotional health.

    Life coaches are more expensive and not covered under insurance, but they can be more readily available and will work with your schedule more.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. Sarah S

    Sarah S Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    702
    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2018
    Karma:
    +835
    As you also say you know pretty mush how to deal with youre anxiety /depression so what you need to try is to understand and accept that this weird feelings that comes from within arent really real so to say its youre inner deamons that tries to mess with youre brain. & i know you dont belive me but as you get older you learn more how to deal with this inner deamons thats messing with youre mind. Also if you have this problems you need to try to get some professional help as you cant have it like this as you desribing. There is help out there.

    Lastly the more you try to fight against any of youre diagnosis the more they will fight you back SO you need to try to accept that they are there and try to find a way to adapt to them and work with them instead of against them because sadly its a fight you cant winn. BUT you can learn to live with them and adapt accordingly to youre diagnosis & as i said if you have this problems you need to seek profetinal help.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  5. Creep

    Creep Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    Messages:
    630
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2018
    Karma:
    +393
    How long have you been in this relationship? You have self-awareness & you’ve learned how to manage your anxiety in other situations. That is huge. I think you would benefit from mindfulness meditation. Good luck.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
  6. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,174
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +8,181
    I wish I could help. I remember how it feels - but I never learned to deal with those things, I just let myself suffer silently.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  7. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,648
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +7,335
    Have you considered medication?
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  8. Peter Morrison

    Peter Morrison Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    563
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,728
    It's interesting to me how we can create drama and anxiety over what appears to be nothing, but when you are experiencing these fears, they are not nothing. But, I will say that these kinds of fears need to be checked at the door. Anxiety if uncomfortable and anxiety can ruin a perfectly normal day. Your rational brain needs to step up at this point. It makes no sense to try and fix something that is unfixable. You can't attack an irrational fear because it is irrational. Waiting for a response via text doesn't come with a timeline, especially if your girlfriend likes her own moments of freedom. Let your rational self understand that her freedom and her personal activities give her the right not to respond to a text in under 30 minutes. That goes against the principle of not wanting to be disturbed or feel that you have obligations that interrupt that period of time that is for her and her alone. Respect her need, or desire, to have times when she doesn't feel obligated to check in with you. In exchange, you have to let her have her time. It's not the same if you feel she might be in danger.

    Talk to her about your anxiety, but don't make it her problem. She should not have to check her phone and act for fear that you might be worried. Another way to look at this is recognizing that by giving her this free time, you are exhibiting respect for her. I know that if I want to be left alone, it means that I don't want to be disturbed by anyone or anything.

    Aside from what medication can do, I try to avoid anxiety by refusing to focus on the perceived problem. Avoidance is rarely a solution to anything, but it can help you reduce the stress and anxiety of imagining the worst about a situation. I am going to be starting therapy soon to deal with my own anxiety and depression - some of it irrational and some of it valid. I have no idea what direction it will go in. Big issues can tie me in knots, but I don't want the little ones to govern me as well. Perhaps the two can't be separated. I just know to get my mind off of the gloom and doom, real or imagined. I know I want to shift my perspective on anxiety producing thoughts.

    This quote makes me think of shadow boxing. You are going through the motions of punching, but you can never win. Consequently, it's never over.

    I think it is normal to worry, but it would make sense to keep that worry in perspective. The fact that you worry shows you care about your girlfriend. She is important to you. Let her know that. That kind of communication can bring you both closer together and diminish some of your anxiety as well. Good luck. So many of us deal with our anxiety in different ways.
     
    • Winner Winner x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,174
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +8,181
    Actually, @Peter Morrison is spot on. You're going to have the anxiety. You're actions, though, need to come from logic and not the anxiety. You mentally know the situation and that's what you act upon. I think I answered how I did because, unless medicated, I could never get rid of the anxiety itself, but I'd try not to let it interfere with whatever was going on.

    I really like the 'shadow boxing' thing. How true.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  10. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,180
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +8,435
    Keep communicating. If you think your girlfriend can handle it, tell her about the irrational anxiety. I once had a nervous breakdown because I was sure I heard my boyfriend's phone ring and I thought he suppressed the call and asked him who was calling and he said his phone didn't even ring. Asked to see his call log because I was sure he was lying to me and was talking to another girl. He showed me his call log which didn't show anything recent, so I got even more upset thinking he deleted the call log and was lying to me. Then he rewound the show we were watching and it turned out the phone ringing was actually in the show we were watching and it just happened to be the same ringtone.
    What could have resulted in a nasty fight actually wound up being very wholesome for our relationship because even though I was acting paranoid, we had a good talk afterwards where I told him I'm just incredibly scared of losing him because he is such an incredible person and I sometimes feel like he's too good for me and he's bound to get snatched up by some incredible lady who is everything he wants in a woman. He then admitted to be very scared of losing me too and likewise worries about me finding someone at work who matches with me more than he does. Since then we are completely honest with eachother about our feelings, fears and worries, and we have grown so much closer. I still have pangs of anxiety sometimes, so I tell him 'hey, you know what kind of idiotic thoughts I had today?' and then we laugh about it and cuddle and all is okay.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  11. nhenke93

    nhenke93 Outdoorsman

    Messages:
    3
    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2019
    Karma:
    +19
    Thank you all so much for the positive and constructive feedback.

    I do take medications and already see a therapist, but I still have this extreme anxiety.
    When my girlfriend doesnt message me, I try to stay reasonable. I also dont blow up her phone when I'm panicking. I simply wait for a response.
    But, the agony I go through is so painful, I literally drop whatever I am doing, lose all motivation for the day or longer, and just feel like I'm going to die, even though I know everything will be fine, and it usually is.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1