Relating to others

[FishyEnthusiest]

I find it very difficult to relate to people but when I find something relateable I will focus on it 100% often pushing people away. It is really hard for me especially with people my own age or younger (I am 29). For instance a girl I am friends with on facebook (because she sells a product I like) has a son who was recently diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder. Everyone was telling her how sorry they were and that they were in the prayers etc etc. I instead asked where he was at on the spectrum. I thought maybe I could help her understand her son but instead I insulted her because I was not concerned enough about his diagnosis.

 

[Arashi222]

It is hard to relate to people in general I find it easier to relate to people that I have something in common with. But it can be hard to understand when its ok to ask things about people where they are at emotionally. FishyEnthusiest I think that in your situation I don't think it was intentional to insult her in fact I wouldn't have thought it was insulting to ask, however I think part of our issues is that we can't read when someone is ready to be asked about it. She seems like she might have still been in the parental grieving process, the stage where she wants the empathy and not wanting to understand yet. I know its hard for us to differentiate between those times. I have worked really hard to be better about that. But its still hard. I have misunderstandings with customers at work all the time but I dust myself off pick myself and keep trying.

 

[NeverEnder]

I do not relate to people so well; If I do, I too, am 100% interested in them.

I suppose it is the Aspergers that sets me apart... and away from others.

 

[consultingrodent]

I do not relate to people so well; If I do, I too, am 100% interested in them.

I suppose it is the Aspergers that sets me apart... and away from others.

i'm the same way. i'm not usually that interested in people i don't know, but if i find we have something in common, however small, i latch onto it in the hopes of making it bigger so the other person and i can connect easier. but there sometimes comes the point where i'm so interested in this one thing and the other person has all sorts of other interests that they don't get it and move along.

 

[Christian T]

but there sometimes comes the point where i'm so interested in this one thing and the other person has all sorts of other interests that they don't get it and move along.

I know exactly what you mean. If ever someone tries to move the conversation away from movies, I refuse to let go of that beloved topic without a fight!

 

[consultingrodent]

I know exactly what you mean. If ever someone tries to move the conversation away from movies, I refuse to let go of that beloved topic without a fight!

i end up sort of just trailing off and sitting there not knowing what to do or what to say next! i always feel kind of dumb about it because i realize other people have different interests, but i'm just like 'no come back to me!'

 

[Soup]

HUH. as soon as you said that the woman had a child diagnosed with Autism, the very 1st thing that popped into my head was, "Where is he on the spectrum?" Although this woman may well have been in that parental shock/grief looking for empathy phase, it doesn't mean that it is okay for her to expect every single human being that she knows (she did post this info to her Facebook page, right?) to detect that from a written text (written messages are devoid of expression, tone & inflection making misunderstandings even more likely) & respond accordingly.

Does this woman know that you're an Aspie? If she did it might make her understand why you'd ask such a question. Many of us with Asperger's don't view ourselves as such sad, pathetic, tragic creatures. Such a diagnosis isn't the end of the world: obviously she had observed something atypical about her child & didn't know what it was, how to handle it or what the implications might be for his future. Once you have a definitive diagnosis, a context is immediately provided for the behaviours her child exhibits. In other words, knowing what the 'problem' is is half the solution.

As a parent myself I GET that no parent wants to hear that something about their child is 'different' (read WRONG read DEFECTIVE). Sometimes, I've seen this personally, the parent goes into histrionics upon receiving a diagnosis for their child seeking sympathy & support from anyone who'll listen. It can almost look like Munchausen's By Proxy (except that they haven't induced the sickness in their child to gain sympathy) This histrionic Munchausen parent then often becomes one of those so-called tireless crusader types loudly trumpeting their cause celebre. the CHILD who has to LIVE with both the symptoms of his condition AND the consequences of being officially labelled can get kind of lost beneath the parade float.

This can happen because some NT types are emotionally overwrought. YES, I know we Aspies are all emotionally challenged BUT many NTs are emotionally challenged too: only in the other direction! Finding out that your child has some awful form of terminal cancer is a truly tragic diagnosis & if a person of any sort goes off the rails upon hearing such a thing, weeeelll.....they get a free pass. Discovering that your child is an Aspie isn't a disaster. Perhaps her limited knowledge about AS is the cause of her alarm: maybe she thinks he'll never be able to live a satisfying life? Then, too, perhaps she was observing some extremely severe Autism spectrum symptoms (of the hockey-helmet head-banging completely non communicative type...) BUT were that the case, she wouldn't have needed anyone to tell her something was indeed very wrong.

Please don't beat yourself up over this woman's having taken undue offence. Every emotional reaction of an NT doesn't make the Aspie automatically wrong by default! YOU intended no offence whatsoever. You weren't rude, insulting or mocking. She'll probably cool her jets after her grieving process abates & she begins accepting the diagnosis & realize that you really didn't say anything truly insensitive or mean-spirited.

 

[Amee]

So I am newly diagnosed with AS, and there is something I'm wondering about. It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true? Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

 

[paloftoon]

While it is common among most aspies, there can always be exceptions. Your diagnosis may be more based on task related scenarios rather than social situations.

If you're still questioning your diagnosis, you can consider looking for a second opinion if you have the money and time.

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

So I am newly diagnosed with AS, and there is something I'm wondering about. It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true? Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

I feel the same way, it is the one puzzle piece that doesn't fit, but I think it might be a quality more subtle than what is perceptible. The enigmatic thing called Empathy.

 

[The Penguin]

It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true?

Though I can't speak for everyone I can speak for myself. But for me yes I find it very hard relating to others. Me at a much higher scale as I'm not much into following the norm most people into: Drinking, smoking, parties, sports, reality TV, social media, gossip, and the list goes on. Most social settings I meet people I tend to be very bored. It seems no matter where I go most people talking about the same thing. Though I know this is part of human behavior. So maybe I'm a real penguin because I don't follow normal human behavior.

 

[Vanilla]

It depends on the person. Many Aspies who are female, or have a more feminine mind, tend to also be like this, I've found. Because we're more focused on blending in by activating our "chameleon-like" abilities, perhaps we then also pay more attention to NTs, and therefore are more invested in them. I find that I pay quite a lot of attention to people, and have been known to understand them better than others may at times. Of course men can do this too, but we tend to begin from a very young age.

 

[blue_bird]

So I am newly diagnosed with AS, and there is something I'm wondering about. It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true? Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

My friends of old would probably describe me in a similar way. I could empathize with what they were experiencing because to me being so sensitive about myself, I feel it's natural to be sensitive about others. But that doesn't mean I can relate to them. I'm still viewing their situation with my own sensitive perception. What I regard as relating to others is not feeling uncomfortable when doing the exact behaviours they do. If I can do something and it feels natural,I will feel a relation to others who do the same.

Though I can't speak for everyone I can speak for myself. But for me yes I find it very hard relating to others. Me at a much higher scale as I'm not much into following the norm most people into: Drinking, smoking, parties, sports, reality TV, social media, gossip, and the list goes on. Most social settings I meet people I tend to be very bored. It seems no matter where I go most people talking about the same thing. Though I know this is part of human behavior. So maybe I'm a real penguin because I don't follow normal human behavior.

Most of those behaviours make me feel uncomfortable, so I prefer to avoid them. I tend to feel isolated when I'm with people who do things I feel uncomfortable doing myself . This is one of the reasons I do things on my own.

 

[The Penguin]

Most of those behaviours make me feel uncomfortable, so I prefer to avoid them. I tend to feel isolated when I'm with people who do things I feel uncomfortable doing myself . This is one of the reasons I do things on my own.

True. I also lived on my own since age 17. I'm also proud I'm more responsible than some people that are my age.

 

[Daughter of a King]

So I am newly diagnosed with AS, and there is something I'm wondering about. It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true? Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

So I am newly diagnosed with AS, and there is something I'm wondering about. It seems to be very common for people with AS to have issues relating to others, in fact, it seems like everyone has problems with it. Is this true? Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

I also consider myself to be very caring and empathetic to others. I always root for the underdog, maybe because I can relate to them so well.
I also am a very "physical" person (relate and connect through touch) with those I feel close to.
However, I am not the typical chatty girl, and do not like small talk. I can do it, because I am a nurse and work with people, but it is a learned behavior and doesn't coms natural to me.
Every Aspie is different, just as no two humans are exactly alike.
CeeCee

 

[Cali Cat]

I have a hard time relating to people because most of them simply bore me. I'm not interested in the same things as the average person, maybe not even in the same things the average Aspie is into. However, when someone has a problem, I'm all ears. I can be empathetic with my head rather than my heart. I may not "feel their pain," so to speak, but I can understand the situation and be able to offer comfort and/or advice. I've been told I'm quite understanding and non-judgmental. Usually, people are surprised by that, because I'm a bit rough on the exterior.

 

[Amee]

I also consider myself to be very caring and empathetic to others. I always root for the underdog, maybe because I can relate to them so well.
I also am a very "physical" person (relate and connect through touch) with those I feel close to.
However, I am not the typical chatty girl, and do not like small talk. I can do it, because I am a nurse and work with people, but it is a learned behavior and doesn't coms natural to me.
Every Aspie is different, just as no two humans are exactly alike.
CeeCee

I'm not chatty at all either, and the only people I can successfully small talk with are my friends. I'm not a physical person, and I only hug people etc when the other person starts it, or if the person is really really sad.

It really breaks my heart when life is being unfair to the people around me and I take pride in the fact that I will stop what I'm doing immediately when another person needs me emotionally. However it's not always a good thing regarding myself as I too get very affected.

 

[The Penguin]

I have a hard time relating to people because most of them simply bore me. I'm not interested in the same things as the average person, maybe not even in the same things the average Aspie is into. However, when someone has a problem, I'm all ears. I can be empathetic with my head rather than my heart. I may not "feel their pain," so to speak, but I can understand the situation and be able to offer comfort and/or advice. I've been told I'm quite understanding and non-judgmental. Usually, people are surprised by that, because I'm a bit rough on the exterior.

I feel the same way

 

[Babs]

Hi Amee, my daughter is like you in that she gets upset by other people's problems. With her friends she can only take so much upset and then she has to withdraw her support, then her friend thinks she's uncaring. A recent example is a friend had started self harming which upset my daughter so much that she couldn't cope, so the friend went to someone else for support

 

[Ste11aeres]

Because I don't. I am considered amongst my (NT) friends to be a very kind, understanding person, who always listens, tries to help, and care deeply about them, and I always try to see things from their perspective and often their problems also hurt me deeply.

I'm the same way, and so is my Aspie best friend. Aspies can often be very kind people who care about others.
But in my case, even though I care about others, it doesn't always show, because I'm not so good at communicating (in an emotional way) with others. I also am horrible at socializing in the way that goes on at parties and things. I can't talk easily to people I don't know, and can't joke around. (When I try, no one understands my humor).
So, many Aspies can care a lot about others, and at the same time have certain difficulties in regards to certain social things.