Recovering from burnout - re-entering the realm of socializing

[Beanfinity]

A year ago was when I came to realize my autism-ness and also realized I was in the deep trenches of a burnout. I didn't know what I had been doing was masking for my entire life. I have been isolating myself for about a year from neurotypical social outings (group activities, dinners/nights at the bar, social calls, parties, etc.) to try and recover from that, and learn to unmask. So the past year has been me trying to determine what my limited social needs actually are, and what boundaries I need to put up to maintain any level of energy for life things. Good news is, I am becoming more comfortable with enjoying life solo, which is something I've always felt ashamed of since society thinks it's sad when you do things alone.

Now, with a better idea of all of that, I want to 'find my tribe' as it were. As comfortable as I am being alone, I unfortunately also want human connection. But I've come to realize, I don't know how to re-introduce myself socially as an autistic person. I've always had my mask on, except in very close relationships, most of which have petered out over the years. I have one best friend who now lives far from me who is ADHD and totally understands my autism. I have a couple friends in my city, but I mask with them. I have very superficial connections with online acquaintances, which I don't believe have much potential to deepen. Although, online communication has been fantastic for my anxiety since I don't have to micromanage my behaviour or look people in the eye

It just feels like I... have no personality. And a lot of how I 'am' around people has more to do with my features than my personality. And what I mean by features, I mean things I can do or offer. Like, if I can sing, singer is my personality. If I play video games, gamer is my personality. If I crochet, crocheter is my personality. But I don't really know how I am as a person, socially. I've always been quiet, an observer, and I avoid asking too much about someone because I find it difficult to ask the right questions (to be friendly, but not invasive. You ask too personal of a question and the bonding opportunity is lost). I like bonding over doing activities, and I'm comfortable with silence (whereas others find comfort in a constant stream of chitchat and feel awkward in silence). So I feel like these things just make me boring? Or like a robot? I've been told I can have a cold approach because I don't ask questions about the other person, and therefore seem uninterested in them, or my tone doesn't denote interest even when I ask questions...

Any advice on this, or ways to come to terms with it all? Any wholesome stories of people meeting new best friends to give me some hope? (lol) Anyone who can relate and is strugs?

 

[Kaz2012]

I understand totally. Masking all my life to the point where I lost the essential me. Got tired of it - unsustainable and too exhausting as I get older and quite frankly no longer see the point of trying to conform to mainstream society (much of which I find fake, dishonest, ridiculous and unpalatable). The older I get the less I care what the world in general thinks of me. Feel much better now, very relieved and have accepted and found the real me again. The traits you have described do not mean you are a robot with no personality. I too enjoy a lot of solitude and as my partner of 20 years left me nearly 2 months ago I have grown to enjoy living alone. I don't have many friends and find it hard making friends (no idea at all how to do it), but I have over the last 4 years managed to make a great, close friend who I am myself with and who knows and understands my autism and personality. She started off as my personal trainer so it was someone I saw once a week and had to interact with and slowly over time we became friends. Not all is lost - there are some NTs out there capable of understanding. If you prefer bonding over activities, maybe find groups with similar interests - and you can slowly engage about the activity/interest. I have trained myself over the decades to remember to occasionally ask questions about the other person when in conversation - it does not come naturally to me either. Not sure if any of this helps, but wishing you all the best - you are not alone in your experience.

 

[AspieChris]

I have trained myself over the decades to remember to occasionally ask questions about the other person when in conversation - it does not come naturally to me either

Me too. There’s almost a mathematical equation to the pattern of asking questions, what type of questions, and eye contact to engage in with a person. And it’s all based on how long you have known this person and what type of relationship they are to you.

(I don’t have the equation, but I have figured out how to quickly type the parameters into my brain and get the answer at a moment’s notice.)

The real question is whether you want to work that hard or just do what feels right to you. I did the work for decades and now I’m stuck in a life that is killing me slowly. I’m literally living the American dream: home, career, family, etc. But most of what I deal with daily was never MY dream. If I could go back and do it over, I would pick a completely different lifestyle. One that is a whole lot less stimulating.

 

[Beanfinity]

I understand totally. Masking all my life to the point where I lost the essential me. Got tired of it - unsustainable and too exhausting as I get older and quite frankly no longer see the point of trying to conform to mainstream society (much of which I find fake, dishonest, ridiculous and unpalatable). The older I get the less I care what the world in general thinks of me. Feel much better now, very relieved and have accepted and found the real me again. The traits you have described do not mean you are a robot with no personality. I too enjoy a lot of solitude and as my partner of 20 years left me nearly 2 months ago I have grown to enjoy living alone. I don't have many friends and find it hard making friends (no idea at all how to do it), but I have over the last 4 years managed to make a great, close friend who I am myself with and who knows and understands my autism and personality. She started off as my personal trainer so it was someone I saw once a week and had to interact with and slowly over time we became friends. Not all is lost - there are some NTs out there capable of understanding. If you prefer bonding over activities, maybe find groups with similar interests - and you can slowly engage about the activity/interest. I have trained myself over the decades to remember to occasionally ask questions about the other person when in conversation - it does not come naturally to me either. Not sure if any of this helps, but wishing you all the best - you are not alone in your experience.

Hi @Kaz2012

Thank you for sharing, this helps a lot! It does make me feel better to hear about other people's experiences. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship. I am in a similar situation as you, my partner and I split up a month ago (although, my 5yrs does not compare to your 20yrs!). I won't get into the details, it's complicated, but part of it was due to this whole unmasking and autism thing. I am not who I appeared to be, and sadly I will never go back to that person he wants to be with. Despite the loss, I do have a sense of relief and look forward to time alone (we are still living together as I get alternate living arrangements settled). Side note, I too am fed up with what people think of me, and am tired of explaining myself just because I'm different.

Thanks for the advice re activities. I am far more comfortable engaging with people interests-first. I suppose I am afraid of 'dropping the ball' and not showing up often enough to maintain that connection. And trying to remember what people have said from weeks ago can be difficult. It seems like I need to keep a bit of the mask on, just for conversations sake.
It feels like this huge, daunting thing to even attempt, but I feel like you are hinting that this is a long road with plenty of trial and error, and ghosting, and what have you, until I find a person (or people) who vibe with me. It's just a matter of plodding along and not giving up or feeling hopeless just because it's hard.

 

[Beanfinity]

Me too. There’s almost a mathematical equation to the pattern of asking questions, what type of questions, and eye contact to engage in with a person. And it’s all based on how long you have known this person and what type of relationship they are to you.

(I don’t have the equation, but I have figured out how to quickly type the parameters into my brain and get the answer at a moment’s notice.)

The real question is whether you want to work that hard or just do what feels right to you. I did the work for decades and now I’m stuck in a life that is killing me slowly. I’m literally living the American dream: home, career, family, etc. But most of what I deal with daily was never MY dream. If I could go back and do it over, I would pick a completely different lifestyle. One that is a whole lot less stimulating.

Hi @AspieChris

Funny you describe it this way, I always thought of it as a series of 'if-then' statements, or branches of choices based on what input I get from the other person. If they ask how my day was, and they are this level of friend, then I have these three choices to respond with. If they tell me about their day, then I have these options/questions to respond with. And so on. I've built up quite the repertoire of responses that it makes it appear I am naturally coming up with things to say. But I'm not actually genuinely responding.

As for the real question, I am exhausted. At least for the next little while, I don't want to mask up or try super hard or be filtering or censoring what I want to say. I am 'making a break for it' and trying to detach myself from my masked life and press the re-start button. It's just a matter of how I go about doing that, knowing the probability of acceptance in other social circles will be slim to none if I show up in my 'true form'.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I do hope you find some way to cope with it all. It is hard to step away from big investments like that, even if they aren't what's best for you.

 

[AspieChris]

Hi @AspieChris

Funny you describe it this way, I always thought of it as a series of 'if-then' statements, or branches of choices based on what input I get from the other person. If they ask how my day was, and they are this level of friend, then I have these three choices to respond with. If they tell me about their day, then I have these options/questions to respond with. And so on. I've built up quite the repertoire of responses that it makes it appear I am naturally coming up with things to say. But I'm not actually genuinely responding.

As for the real question, I am exhausted. At least for the next little while, I don't want to mask up or try super hard or be filtering or censoring what I want to say. I am 'making a break for it' and trying to detach myself from my masked life and press the re-start button. It's just a matter of how I go about doing that, knowing the probability of acceptance in other social circles will be slim to none if I show up in my 'true form'.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, but I do hope you find some way to cope with it all. It is hard to step away from big investments like that, even if they aren't what's best for you.

I cant step away. My son is the same as me and my wife gets frustrated with the way he acts. He hasn’t needed to learn to mask. If I leave, he’ll suffer horribly. It’s my responsibility to make sure he’s taken care of and I’m the only person who can help him to not suffer as I have. I can’t do it without her, she can’t without me. And we really do love eachother. That’s why I say I’m totally stuck in a really difficult situation that I put myself into.

Thank you for the compassion.

 

[Tom]

 

[Outdated]

I found out the hard way that if you don't take care of your burn out then it will just keep getting worse and worse until you snap. So cudos to you for doing the right thing and taking care of yourself.

There seems to be a lot of emphasis lately on "I need to unmask". I disagree. Masking is something that all people do at all times, autistic or not. Watch some of your NT friends and you'll see it's true, who they are at work is different to who they are at home and that's different again to who they are when they're out socialising. Understanding that this is what you are doing is helpful but not masking means you will have no friends.

I've made quite a few good long term friends over the years but it takes years to work out if they're going to be that sort of long term friend or not. There's even some people that I haven't seen for more than 20 years but we still keep in touch. If I go to Melbourne or back up to Darwin I know I've got free accommodation. There's some people that you'll just naturally get along with and they'll like you regardless of your autism.

 

[Au Naturel]

A year ago was when I came to realize my autism-ness and also realized I was in the deep trenches of a burnout. I didn't know what I had been doing was masking for my entire life. I have been isolating myself for about a year from neurotypical social outings (group activities, dinners/nights at the bar, social calls, parties, etc.) to try and recover from that, and learn to unmask. So the past year has been me trying to determine what my limited social needs actually are, and what boundaries I need to put up to maintain any level of energy for life things. Good news is, I am becoming more comfortable with enjoying life solo, which is something I've always felt ashamed of since society thinks it's sad when you do things alone.

Now, with a better idea of all of that, I want to 'find my tribe' as it were. As comfortable as I am being alone, I unfortunately also want human connection. But I've come to realize, I don't know how to re-introduce myself socially as an autistic person. I've always had my mask on, except in very close relationships, most of which have petered out over the years. I have one best friend who now lives far from me who is ADHD and totally understands my autism. I have a couple friends in my city, but I mask with them. I have very superficial connections with online acquaintances, which I don't believe have much potential to deepen. Although, online communication has been fantastic for my anxiety since I don't have to micromanage my behaviour or look people in the eye

It just feels like I... have no personality. And a lot of how I 'am' around people has more to do with my features than my personality. And what I mean by features, I mean things I can do or offer. Like, if I can sing, singer is my personality. If I play video games, gamer is my personality. If I crochet, crocheter is my personality. But I don't really know how I am as a person, socially. I've always been quiet, an observer, and I avoid asking too much about someone because I find it difficult to ask the right questions (to be friendly, but not invasive. You ask too personal of a question and the bonding opportunity is lost). I like bonding over doing activities, and I'm comfortable with silence (whereas others find comfort in a constant stream of chitchat and feel awkward in silence). So I feel like these things just make me boring? Or like a robot? I've been told I can have a cold approach because I don't ask questions about the other person, and therefore seem uninterested in them, or my tone doesn't denote interest even when I ask questions...

Any advice on this, or ways to come to terms with it all? Any wholesome stories of people meeting new best friends to give me some hope? (lol) Anyone who can relate and is strugs?

You have written my biography.

 

[Beanfinity]

I found out the hard way that if you don't take care of your burn out then it will just keep getting worse and worse until you snap. So cudos to you for doing the right thing and taking care of yourself.

There seems to be a lot of emphasis lately on "I need to unmask". I disagree. Masking is something that all people do at all times, autistic or not. Watch some of your NT friends and you'll see it's true, who they are at work is different to who they are at home and that's different again to who they are when they're out socialising. Understanding that this is what you are doing is helpful but not masking means you will have no friends.

I've made quite a few good long term friends over the years but it takes years to work out if they're going to be that sort of long term friend or not. There's even some people that I haven't seen for more than 20 years but we still keep in touch. If I go to Melbourne or back up to Darwin I know I've got free accommodation. There's some people that you'll just naturally get along with and they'll like you regardless of your autism.

Hi @Outdated

Thank you for the insight. I want to keep pressing and say, 'but no, there must be a way to unmask and get along!', but I see what you mean. I am most comfortable when I am not socializing at all, which is integral to forming any kind of relationship. It follows that if you don't be social at all, you will have no friends. What I must do is find my line or tolerance level of how much to mask up, balance that against being my genuine self, and ensuring it isn't too much that I get burnt out again.

It is nice to know not all hope is lost, and it is just a matter of putting the work in. I am reminded of something my therapist said to me, that friendships are intentional relationships, and they require effort, thought, and compromise to build, but also to maintain. I essentially need to find friends who, even though I may need to mask up around, I can maintain it without burning out. I think that makes for a happy, sustainable balance.

 

[Outdated]

By masking and wearing a "persona" is how you meet people, as you get to know them better they also get to know you better and if you think a good friend can't see through your mask then you're kidding yourself. Quite a lot of my insights about myself have come from friends, things I would never have realised if they hadn't pointed them out to me.

Wear a good mask that people will like, if you're going to mask you might as well make it a good one. It burns you out just as quickly wether you play the quiet conservative or the outlandish socialite. The difference between us and NTs is that we get to choose.

Finding good friends is a numbers game, the same as finding a compatible partner. The more people you meet the more chance there is that you'll find people that you fit in with. Being unbigoted and unbiased helps too, the more the merrier.

People say "you can choose your friends but not your family". That's completely false, I have friends that have become family where as I haven't heard from my biological family in over a decade.

 

[Kaz2012]

Hi @Kaz2012

Thank you for sharing, this helps a lot! It does make me feel better to hear about other people's experiences. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship. I am in a similar situation as you, my partner and I split up a month ago (although, my 5yrs does not compare to your 20yrs!). I won't get into the details, it's complicated, but part of it was due to this whole unmasking and autism thing. I am not who I appeared to be, and sadly I will never go back to that person he wants to be with. Despite the loss, I do have a sense of relief and look forward to time alone (we are still living together as I get alternate living arrangements settled). Side note, I too am fed up with what people think of me, and am tired of explaining myself just because I'm different.

Thanks for the advice re activities. I am far more comfortable engaging with people interests-first. I suppose I am afraid of 'dropping the ball' and not showing up often enough to maintain that connection. And trying to remember what people have said from weeks ago can be difficult. It seems like I need to keep a bit of the mask on, just for conversations sake.
It feels like this huge, daunting thing to even attempt, but I feel like you are hinting that this is a long road with plenty of trial and error, and ghosting, and what have you, until I find a person (or people) who vibe with me. It's just a matter of plodding along and not giving up or feeling hopeless just because it's hard.

Hang in there - timelines will differ for everyone. Might be a shorter road for you . Thank you for your empathy and glad my post helped a tiny bit.

 

[paloftoon]

The best things to do, when you ready to build again are to be open to as many different activities as you can be, but be able to establish your social boundaries if things aren't going well. Try to consider new activities that don't require much of a commitment so that you can leave the day of and not have to endure an entire season of such and such a thing.

 

[Zaphod Beeblebrox]

Same here. I think I only just learnt to identify my burn outs and now I want to learn how to prevent/ minimise them. Has anyone noticed any circularity? I think I am always worse before Christmas and this is when my exhaustion leads to overeating, weight gain and multiple meltdowns...
However, I found that there is no point investing energy and effort in meaningless social interactions and this sometimes means you fall out with people. Unfortunately neurotypicals can't understand how much we have to try and our lack of resources... Especially since most people don't make any sense to me and I often get to the point of thinking: "Am I the strange one here?" This is what burns me out eventually, the dictatorship of the many...

 

[Beanfinity]

The best things to do, when you ready to build again are to be open to as many different activities as you can be, but be able to establish your social boundaries if things aren't going well. Try to consider new activities that don't require much of a commitment so that you can leave the day of and not have to endure an entire season of such and such a thing.

Hi @paloftoon

Thanks for the advice! Do you have any examples of activities like that, little commitment and can leave day of?

 

[AspieChris]

think I am always worse before Christmas

I hate Christmas. So much stress around gift giving. Thankfully, my wife handles everything for me.

 

[paloftoon]

Hi @paloftoon

Thanks for the advice! Do you have any examples of activities like that, little commitment and can leave day of?

1. A convention and you only sign up or go to one day of it.
2. www.meetup.com- you go to a meetup that is a few hours long at the most, and if you don't like it, you don't go back and you can even consider quitting the meetup.
3. concert
4. clean up volunteering is generally only a number of hours for one day. Look for watersheds in your area. They could use help with cleanup and you're improving the quality of your own water or someone else's water potentially too!

If you are in the US, what major city are you in/near or what state, if you are okay with sharing that?

 

[Outdated]

I grew up in a world where no one had ever heard of autism and even today I don't proffer that information to people, but I have always had fairly firm boundaries. You do have to make compromises from time to time, that's part of every day life, but be wary of the fact that this is what you are doing.

Set boundaries early on with people you meet. "Would you like to come to the footy with us next weekend?". "Oh no, I wouldn't enjoy that at all, but are you having a barbecue afterwards?".

So I don't allow myself to get pushed in to situations that I wouldn't enjoy, but in the same breath I let people know that I do want to socialise with them. By doing this I avoid sending mixed messages. People don't like strange and abnormal because they don't like confusion. Give them a simple and logical way to understand you and you'll find more people like you.

In the example above people will ask me if I don't like football. My response is usually along the lines of "I don't hate it". No, I'm not a fan. Eventually as people get to know me they start to see a pattern - I don't like crowds and too much noise. I don't try to explain this to anyone, I just stick to my own boundaries and let them figure it out for themselves. In more recent years a few people have asked me straight out "Are you autistic?" and I smile and say Yes.

People respond to me well most often because of the way I present myself. I'm quite content with who I am and I don't have derogatory opinions of how other people live their lives as long as they leave me to live mine as I see fit.

What makes a big difference with Aussies is that I never try to make excuses for myself. I don't suffer from what we call "poor bugger me" syndrome. "It's not my fault, people treat me differently because I'm gay/black/autistic/religious." That's the quickest way to lose any hope of finding friends here. "This is me. Get over it!" is an attitude people respect here.

 

[Beanfinity]

1. A convention and you only sign up or go to one day of it.
2. www.meetup.com- you go to a meetup that is a few hours long at the most, and if you don't like it, you don't go back and you can even consider quitting the meetup.
3. concert
4. clean up volunteering is generally only a number of hours for one day. Look for watersheds in your area. They could use help with cleanup and you're improving the quality of your own water or someone else's water potentially too!

If you are in the US, what major city are you in/near or what state, if you are okay with sharing that?

@paloftoon These are great suggestions, thank you! I will definitely look into these type of things.

I am not in the US, I am in Canada, but I'm moving to Mexico soon to be with family, so it's kind of a moot point lol