NT is feeling jealous and ignored

[CuriousSpirit]

I am in a relationship with Felix (not real name) for 2 years now. I really enjoy the time we spend together (many similar interests) on most weekends. Felix has restricted the time spent together to almost only weekens and short phone conversations 4 nights a week. These conversations are usually kind of one-sided where I ask him about his day and he tells me. I may offer a bit of my day which doesn't seem interesting to him, so I suggest saying "good night." He is unlike typical Aspies in that he likes to touch and be touched. This is how I know he cares about me, he is very affectionate. We never explicitly agreed to be monogamous, but are (I believe) in fact. Alex has MANY old girlfriends and almost girlfriends whom he communicates with regularly. (We are both close to retirement age.) I consider the relationship very good to excellent when I am with him, but lacking when I'm not. But, though I consider it lacking, I'm happier with the weekends than not having them with him, so I accept this. Now, my problem. A few weeks ago, he announced that Beth (not real name) would be staying with him for a couple of weeks. Beth is a potential girlfriend, in that they got close, and have not (apparently) become intimate, but he hoped for that. She has moved around over the years. He last saw her in a visit out of town 10 years ago. Last weekend, Felix was 90% distracted preparing for her arrival. I asked many questions, including "Do you want to be intimate with her?" To which he answered that it was a possibility, that "it could happen."

When the weekend wasn't going well for me, I said "I feel insecure with Beth coming. You are so focussed on preparing for her arrival." (Cleaning apartment— unusual behavior!) I am capable of sharing him, but already at the limit of sharing with his weekday activities, relegating the relationship to 2 days a week. I emailed him late last night about our usual phonecall. He responded "Call if you wish." I am sorry now I called, because he said he was busy talking with Beth.

I don't know Beth or what her intention is. I have exchanged 2 brief emails with her and she is aware Felix and I are in a relationship. I feel slighted, ignored, and jealous. Don't know how to act. (though enraged thoughts flit through my mind today)

How can I be gracious, not jump to conclusions, maintain my cool, get through this? Thanks for any help!

 

[Judge]

It sounds like from your point of view, you are in a relationship with "Felix". However from the way you describe it, can the same be honestly said from his point of view as well? I'm not so sure.

I have a keen understanding of fidelity. Never a problem for me. My relationships with NTs were usually jeopardized by my routine need for solitude. That really bothered them, and they often took it personally. But I can't say I strayed towards others while in any one relationship- ever.

One thing though. There's no such thing as a "typical" Aspie. It's a mistake to presume otherwise. We all may have some common traits and behaviors, but to varying amplitudes across the spectrum of autism.

I don't think Aspies relate or don't relate to understanding issues of fidelity any more than do NTs if that's what you are wondering.

Perhaps the best thing you can is be blunt with him and ask him what his perception of this relationship actually is.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

He "says" we are in a relationship. (I asked!) He has (without my asking) changed his online dating profile to reflect this. It is clear we are in some kind of relationship, just not quite so satisfying for me as it is for him. I am trying to be graceful and accept my usually good fortune with the weekends. I meet lots of interesting men, but at my age, the ones who are acceptable to me are dwindling at a rapid rate. I'm not willing to jeapordize what I do have for nothing. Sad, no?

I am tempted to tell him more than I briefly did a few days ago about how threatened I feel. But, I think it might be a mistake to do so. The relationship that I DO have, as limited as it is in time, feels good enough to good in quality, until now. Maybe this is the end of it.

 

[Judge]

He "says" we are in a relationship. (I asked!) He has (without my asking) changed his online dating profile to reflect this. It is clear we are in some kind of relationship, just not quite so satisfying for me as it is for him. I am trying to be graceful and accept my usually good fortune with the weekends. I meet lots of interesting men, but at my age, the ones who are acceptable to me are dwindling at a rapid rate. I'm not willing to jeapordize what I do have for nothing. Sad, no?

I am tempted to tell him more than I briefly did a few days ago about how threatened I feel. But, I think it might be a mistake to do so. The relationship that I DO have, as limited as it is in time, feels good enough to good in quality, until now. Maybe this is the end of it.

Under those circumstances I'd find his behavior totally unacceptable. Run- don't walk away from such a person. Nuff said....

But I get you on the age thing. I'm in my late 50s....pretty much gave up many years ago.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe "intimate" doesn't mean "sex" to him as it does to you. I think of "intimacy" as starting at a hug. So if you ask him directly about this Beth, you might find that he doesn't have feelings for her the way he has for you.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

In answer to "Judge:" I am in my mid-60s, and Felix and I still have good sex (though limited to weekends ;-) ), and go to concerts, where we are the oldest (and best) dancers, go swimming , walks on the beach, etc., etc. We have FUN. With the demographics being what they are, I don't see anything better. I have continued to look, write and talk to others, discretely, but honestly too. I am not the only woman with this problem. Men die at a much younger age than us. It is unrealistic to believe (I'm not the just pray/positive thinking type) that there is "the ONE" out there who is my "soul mate." The universe would be very cruel indeed if that soul mate came along and expired in a few short years! In other words, I'm not gonna hold my breath for something "better" and miss out on what is good now. I don't give up! I'm sorry to read you have!

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Maybe "intimate" doesn't mean "sex" to him as it does to you. I think of "intimacy" as starting at a hug. So if you ask him directly about this Beth, you might find that he doesn't have feelings for her the way he has for you.

Thank you Ylva. I hope this is the case. The weekend is coming up and Felix has invited me to go out with him, as is our usual thing AND Beth is also invited. So, I will observe the situation from there!

 

[Judge]

Maybe "intimate" doesn't mean "sex" to him as it does to you. I think of "intimacy" as starting at a hug. So if you ask him directly about this Beth, you might find that he doesn't have feelings for her the way he has for you.

It is interesting how some people (Aspie or NT) can compartmentalize their emotions in such a manner. Not something I can do myself...not really sure if that's an Aspie trait or not.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

It is interesting how some people (Aspie or NT) can compartmentalize their emotions in such a manner. Not something I can do myself...not really sure if that's an Aspie trait or not.

It's not just about whether he does r doesn't have sex with Beth. It has to do with ignoring me the past weekend to prepare for Beth's arrival, not wanting to talk with me last night (due to being busy talking with Beth), and my FEARS that that is what's going on, when it might not be.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Writing and discussing this with others is turned my boiling pot down to a simmer now.

 

[Judge]

Writing and discussing this with others is turned my boiling pot down to a simmer now.

Well, I tend to look at such things in a rather cut-and-dry fashion. Let's just say I have an aversion to being second in any relationship.

Under the circumstances it might be beneficial to just let this thing play out and see where it goes. And then there's always the matter of what Beth thinks as well. What if both of you are actually on the same page? Who knows? She may keep a respectful distance from Felix no matter what he thinks or feels.

Life is weird...you never know what might happen. And then there's always a third option. Not one I've ever experienced- and definitely not for everyone. Summer Lovers (1982) - IMDb

 

[Ste11aeres]

Two thingsç
1 the issues on your relationship are unconnected to him having Aspergers
2. I think you should clearly and verbally let him know how you feel about all this. If he cares about you, and clearly understands that he is making you unhappy, he will try to adjust his behavior in ways to make you happier.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Well, I tend to look at such things in a rather cut-and-dry fashion. Under the circumstances it might be beneficial to just let this thing play out and see where it goes. And then there's always the matter of what Beth thinks as well. What if both of you are actually on the same page? Who knows? She may keep a respectful distance from Felix.

Life is weird...you never know what might happen.

That is what I think I should do. Writing y'all is keeping me from doing the things I feel like doing. (Angry, insecure txt messaging, punching something, woe is me email to him, puffed up threats to Beth.) I may end up in a poly relationship if she decided to move back here. Don't know if that would be good. We're all beyond child-rearing and all that messiness. But if I stuck with Felix, if that ends up being my option, I would have to at least like and respect her. At this point, I don't know her at all. I can't see how I would be happy with that. I am not totally happy with the relationship being limited to weekends only. If I had to share and go to every other weekend, I don't think it would be adequate. Yah, life is weird, and at this age all the "shoulds" go out the window and you're left with more being rational about things, work-arounds.

 

[Judge]

I am not totally happy with the relationship being limited to weekends only. If I had to share and go to every other weekend, I don't think it would be adequate.

In all honesty, that is the one factor that might relate to his being on the spectrum. That may be something you must come to terms with unless Felix is able and willing to compromise on.

To quote myself: "It isn't that we are anti-social. Some of us just prefer other human beings in smaller doses."

Which pretty much ended my relationships with NT women.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Two thingsç
1 the issues on your relationship are unconnected to him having Aspergers
2. I think you should clearly and verbally let him know how you feel about all this. If he cares about you, and clearly understands that he is making you unhappy, he will try to adjust his behavior in ways to make you happier.

The issue of him ignoring me when I said I was feeling insecure, ignoring or not noticing my unhappiness this past weekend, cutting our usual phone call without regard to how I would feel— I think has to do with his being Aspie. I will explain myself, when the time is right, in person how I feel, after I see more clearly what I am really facing. With a NT guy, I would have probably been lied to if he were interested in her as a partner. Since I asked him if he wanted to be intimate and he answered afirmativly, I think is due to his admirable honesty, which sometimes hurts. At this point, I don't know what she wants, what is her goal here. I trust that Felix will not go behind my back. An NT guy would be more likely to do that, I think. I believe you are correct Two thingsç (thank you for that!). Once he knows what I am feeling, if he loves me, he will adjust. At this point— I don't know if my feelings, fears of him switching to her , are justified. And that's not anything to do with Aspbergers.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm an NT. Boot his butt to the door! End of story.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

It sounds like from your point of view, you are in a relationship with "Felix". However from the way you describe it, can the same be honestly said from his point of view as well? I'm not so sure.

I have a keen understanding of fidelity. Never a problem for me. My relationships with NTs were usually jeopardized by my routine need for solitude. That really bothered them, and they often took it personally. But I can't say I strayed towards others while in any one relationship- ever.

One thing though. There's no such thing as a "typical" Aspie. It's a mistake to presume otherwise. We all may have some common traits and behaviors, but to varying amplitudes across the spectrum of autism.

I don't think Aspies relate or don't relate to understanding issues of fidelity any more than do NTs if that's what you are wondering.

Perhaps the best thing you can is be blunt with him and ask him what his perception of this relationship actually is.

I want to do that, have tried and got a wall of silence.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Well, I tend to look at such things in a rather cut-and-dry fashion. Let's just say I have an aversion to being second in any relationship.

Under the circumstances it might be beneficial to just let this thing play out and see where it goes. And then there's always the matter of what Beth thinks as well. What if both of you are actually on the same page? Who knows? She may keep a respectful distance from Felix no matter what he thinks or feels.

Life is weird...you never know what might happen. And then there's always a third option. Not one I've ever experienced- and definitely not for everyone. Summer Lovers (1982) - IMDb

I haven't seen this film. I hope she is respectful of me and my relationship with Felix, such as it is. As for being "second" in the relationship? That will definitely not be ME!

 

[CuriousSpirit]

I really appreciate all of your comments! this is really very helpful for me. I hope others will find it helpful also. Sorry if my responses are not getting in their correct places.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think you don't want to lay down clear standards for him to follow because you are afraid that if you lay down rules and standards, he will simply end his relationship with him and you will lose him.
SInce you have feelings for him, that possibility is scary.
However, sometimes respect for oneself necessitates that we do what is scary. Sometimes respect for oneself necessitates that we face the risk of losing someone.
If he truly cares about you, he will adjust his actions (once he understands how you are feeling) so as to show you more respect. If he chooses to end the relationship with you, then it means he never did genuinely care for you the way you care for him.