NT is feeling jealous and ignored

[Judge]

I haven't seen this film.

In "Summer Lovers" a woman (Darryl Hannah- a real-life Aspie) is faced with a similar predicament as yours. She's hurt and angry, but also finds the other woman to be a nice person. She befriends her, and then brings her into their orbit as a threesome and it works- for a time. Like I said, not for everyone.

As Ste11eres alludes to, how far would you/should you go to keep him? It does sound like he's not into monogamy. That's one word I'd address directly to him to break that "silence" of his.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

I think you don't want to lay down clear standards for him to follow because you are afraid that if you lay down rules and standards, he will simply end his relationship with him and you will lose him.
SInce you have feelings for him, that possibility is scary.
However, sometimes respect for oneself necessitates that we do what is scary. Sometimes respect for oneself necessitates that we face the risk of losing someone.
If he truly cares about you, he will adjust his actions (once he understands how you are feeling) so as to show you more respect. If he chooses to end the relationship with you, then it means he never did genuinely care for you the way you care for him.

I agree with you. However, I am willing to compromise by accepting the limited (to weekends) relationship. As for accepting another woman, it remains to be seen whether that is what I am dealing with. We're only a few days into this scenario. I am afraid of losing him to her. If I act on my angry, hurt, suspicious (not very appealing characteristics), I may drive him away. I get the points being made about being clear and discussing it with him. I just hope I don't become an emotional basketcase when I do that. Could some of you Aspie folks tell me experiences you may have had like that? I mean having an NT basketcase in front of you? From my reading about Aspbergers, this is a more difficult thing than it is for NTs.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

In "Summer Lovers" a woman (Darryl Hannah- a real-life Aspie) is faced with a similar predicament as yours. She's hurt and angry, but also finds the other woman to be a nice person. She befriends her, and then brings her into their orbit as a threesome and it works- for a time. Like I said, not for everyone.

As Ste11eres alludes to, how far would you/should you go to keep him? It does sound like he's not into monogamy. That's one word I'd address directly to him to break that "silence" of his.

When I asked (some time ago and once early on in the relationship) about whether he wanted a monogamous relationship, he said very clearly "I'm ambivalent." That's esentially an answer of "No," practically speaking, and now here it is. Beth. If that's what is in the cards, I'll be visiting the poly websites for advice! ;-)

 

[CuriousSpirit]

When I asked (some time ago and once early on in the relationship) about whether he wanted a monogamous relationship, he said very clearly "I'm ambivalent." That's esentially an answer of "No," practically speaking, and now here it is. Beth. If that's what is in the cards, I'll be visiting the poly websites for advice! ;-)

What's the average length of time for marriage? 5 years? 50% divorce and probably much worse for informal relationships. So the odds aren't good. :-(

 

[Judge]

I'm afraid from reading all your posts you've conveyed two things I perceive:

1. He wants only a sexual relationship quite possibly with either you.
2. You seek an emotional relationship with him.

You sound like a nice person. I'm afraid I can only default to my original post. Run- don't walk away. You're just going to get hurt. I also don't get the vibe you'd be happy in any threesome.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

I'm afraid from reading all your posts you've conveyed two things I perceive:

1. He wants only a sexual relationship quite possibly with either you.
2. You seek an emotional relationship with him.

You sound like a nice person. I'm afraid I can only default to my original post. Run- don't walk away. You're just going to get hurt. I also don't get the vibe you'd be happy in any threesome.

How does an "emotional" relationship manifest itself with Aspies? We clearly have fun together doing lots of things besides sex. I don't doubt he enjoys discussing politics, literature, music and visiting ethnic neighborhoods swimming and all. I don't think he is motivated to just get sex. Don't know about threesome relationship physical or emotional. Walk away? I don't give up so easily.

 

[Judge]

I don't think he is motivated to just get sex.

When I asked (some time ago and once early on in the relationship) about whether he wanted a monogamous relationship, he said very clearly "I'm ambivalent." That's essentially an answer of "No

Your words. They speak volumes to me- as a guy. Let's just say I strongly suspect his priorities are different than yours.

The "litmus test": Simply figure a way to stop having sex with him for a time, yet be available for social events. See how willing he is to do only that. If he's suddenly no longer available on those weekends, I think you may have your answer- whether Beth is in the picture or not.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Yes, there it is. Maybe it will come to pass. He said he would need to consider the repercusions, what they might be. Isn't extra-marital/relationships what many men and some women do without being open about it? One of Felix's best qualities is his honesty, even if it is rather blunt and undiplomatic. We'll see. Maybe he will consider how I might feel and avoid it, even if it is an easy option for him. Then I'll be very happy. Or maybe we'll end up like Summers Lovers. And maybe still happy.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Must go, I'll let people know what happens by September 16, 2014. again, thanks for keeping me sane. Now I will be able to proceed in a dignified way, a more enlightened person.

 

[Randomperson]

Personal observation: (with a touch of humor intended) The number one cause of death in men, is women, chief among the sub causes: nagging.

Please do not hurt me!

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Update and resolution: So, I met Beth, spent the weekend with her and Felix. Beth was very respectful to me and my relationship with Felix. Felix treated me very well. When Beth went to visit with her other friends, Felix surprised me and took me to a nice restaurant. (Fortunately I was wearing a nice dress!) Everything went well, I have no fears about the relationship. Thank you all for your advice and support.

 

[May Black]

Glad to hear.

 

[CuriousSpirit]

Your words. They speak volumes to me- as a guy. Let's just say I strongly suspect his priorities are different than yours.

The "litmus test": Simply figure a way to stop having sex with him for a time, yet be available for social events. See how willing he is to do only that. If he's suddenly no longer available on those weekends, I think you may have your answer- whether Beth is in the picture or not.

Just re-reading all the great comments. I missed answering this one- Felix & I are getting into the catagory labled "elderly." Sex is not always in our repretoire of things to do. Like I said before we do well with that and many other activities. I've never felt the least bit like his main objective was sex.

 

[icesyckel]

I'd say there's too much advice here about how to manipulate the situation or how to draw lines in the sand (not directing this at anyone in particular).

Tell him what you want and need. Ask him what he wants and needs. Where there are inconsistencies, discuss whether compromise is possible. If not, then you may need to move on. If you are unwilling to do so, then your only alternative is to accept the status quo and to try and be happy with it.

I really don't see how anything else will work out for the better...