NT husband needing help understanding Aspie wife

[Pierre09]

I am new to this forum and hope that I am posting in the correct place for some help and advice. My wife was diagnosed with Asperger's about a year ago and since that time I have been learning how better to communicate and get along with her. While learning about her aspergers has helped a lot, I still find it difficult to communicate with her and thus we have many arguments. I can give examples if needed but wasn't sure if I am in the right place to start with. From what I've read it is more common for men to have aspergers than women. Therefore, I am finding it difficult to find a lot of information for NT husbands with aspie wives. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Melissa Kay]

Hi Pierre. I am glad you are here. I'm sure you'll get plenty of help. That's wonderful that you are trying to communicate and understand better. I am recently seeing that I have this thing. Yes, it's more common for men than women. I am going to read Aspergirls soon to understand myself and my illness better. It's supposed to be great. I think that book may help you a lot if you like to read. Unfortunately, it's not made in an audiobook, which I like. Good luck. Just wait to see all the responses and support and suggestions you'll get!

 

[Etzelaire]

Greetings,
Maybe you'd like to ask something to our fellows or share with us something you don't understand of her behaviour. Try to be specific and people will reply because for what I've read looks like your are looking just for men married with a person with aspergers.

 

[Melissa Kay]

The book I mentioned helps explain girls and women who have Aspergers, just to clarify.

 

[Pierre09]

Thanks for the kind words. I have read "22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wanter Her Partner to Know". This book was very helpful. I hope this doesn't come accross the wrong way, but while the book was helpful, it was very one-sided and seemed to put all of the responsibility in my court. I am more than willing to adjust my behavior to make things work, but it can get very frustrating because sometimes it seems like my wife and I are on completely different pages.

 

[Ste11aeres]

It is far more common for men to be diagnosed with Aspergers than women, but it is probable that in regards to the number of people who have Aspergers, both diagnosed and undiagnosed-the actual gender gap is smaller.
I do agree with you about the one dimensional nature of that book (and of others by that author: although they still are good books). And, speaking for myself, while I am 100% an Aspie female, not everything that writer writes applies to me.

 

[Melissa Kay]

Thanks for the kind words. I have read "22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wanter Her Partner to Know". This book was very helpful. I hope this doesn't come accross the wrong way, but while the book was helpful, it was very one-sided and seemed to put all of the responsibility in my court. I am more than willing to adjust my behavior to make things work, but it can get very frustrating because sometimes it seems like my wife and I are on completely different pages.

I wish I had read the Aspergirls book so I could give feedback. There is a forum on here of Aspergers Books and other resources, in case you haven't seen it already. And I totally don't think it's all your responsibility at all. But whatever helps YOU to cope, etc. is good.

 

[Ereth]

Hey, Pierre. My recommendation for you is to get to know the forum. Explore a little bit and see what you find. There's a ton of great information here, and much of it comes from the members themselves. I'm sure you'll be able to learn more about and better understand your wife in good time.

 

[Pierre09]

I will definitely do some browsing. Thanks for the insight. I look forward to learning more.

 

[Cali Cat]

Hi, Pierre. Welcome to the forum. It's wonderful that you're working to manage your relationship with your wife. If you were able to give some examples of the issues the two of you face, we might be able to give you some insight into how we Aspie females tick.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You are making a good good choice in coming to Aspies Central. Although I've read lots and lots of books and articles about Aspergers, in the end, I learned far more from the other members here.

Apart from Aspies Central, I learned the most from the works of Tony Atwood (I especially like the interviews with him available on youtube). There is also an Aspie named Linus who has made wonderful videos on youtube under the name InjuredMinds.
It's good to bear in mind that 1) Aspergers can present a little differently in women than in men. However 2) Aspie women are not that different than Aspie men. More commonalities than differences. And 3) Each person with Aspergers is a very very unique individual.

Of course, if there are any detailed and specific questions you would like to ask, go ahead. I've seen many NT members start threads about things that confused them in regards to their Aspie loved ones, and the responses to such threads tend to be very good.

 

[Pierre09]

I'll throw out a couple of examples. I may as well jump into the big one...intimacy. If you're not comofortable discussing this one then I understand. The biggest issue we have is who initiates it. I can't seem to read her signals and she can't seem to read my signals. In talking with her, I now understand that direct statements work better for her than expecting her to read an emotion or an inuendo. For example, I used to think it would be "unromantic" to say, "I would like for us to be intimate tonight". However, she has told me this actually helps her because then she doesn't have to guess...so this is what I do. The problem is, while I operate on more of an "emotional" level than her, I get the feeling that this is something she is never/rarely intersted in and thus, if I never asked, it would never happen. She has trouble initiating it and right or wrong, this can be a huge blow to a man's self-esteem. The best analogy I can give as to how this makes me feel would be like if I wanted a surprise birthday party. It wouldn't be any fun to initiate it myself, tell them what I wanted along with all the details, and then pertend to be surprised at the party. I've offered detailed suggestions on ways and things that she might implement, but this has yet to come to fruition and we have struggled with this for years.

 

[Pierre09]

A second example would be when we are having a disagreement/argument. First off, she is "never" or "rarely" wrong. (Disclaimer: I understand I am giving one side of this and there are always 2 sides. I am by no means in the right all of the time and will go as far as to say I may likely be in the wrong more often than not). The problem is, if I make a point in the argument that she can't refute, she will say something like "That's not true." And I will ask why not...and she says that she has difficulty putting it into words. Now I know she has told me that through her reading of aspies that many times they DO have difficulty putting their feeling into words...so I understand this. However, it seems to me to be more of an easy-out to say she can't put something into words when confronted with the possibility that she might be wrong. I have used this line on her when she has confronted me (out of spite I know) and she does not accept it as an accurate answer. I am not seeing the fairness here. Thank you for listening to this NT guy rant...lol.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I'll throw out a couple of examples. I may as well jump into the big one...intimacy. If you're not comofortable discussing this one then I understand. The biggest issue we have is who initiates it. I can't seem to read her signals and she can't seem to read my signals. In talking with her, I now understand that direct statements work better for her than expecting her to read an emotion or an inuendo. For example, I used to think it would be "unromantic" to say, "I would like for us to be intimate tonight". However, she has told me this actually helps her because then she doesn't have to guess...so this is what I do. The problem is, while I operate on more of an "emotional" level than her, I get the feeling that this is something she is never/rarely intersted in and thus, if I never asked, it would never happen. She has trouble initiating it and right or wrong, this can be a huge blow to a man's self-esteem. The best analogy I can give as to how this makes me feel would be like if I wanted a surprise birthday party. It wouldn't be any fun to initiate it myself, tell them what I wanted along with all the details, and then pertend to be surprised at the party. I've offered detailed suggestions on ways and things that she might implement, but this has yet to come to fruition and we have struggled with this for years.

Well, I'm not married, but I think I would need my future husband to explicitly ask, and I would myself be verbally explicit if I asked. I don't think there's anything unromantic. The fact that you want to be "intimate" is itself what is romantic.
I understand that it can be discouraging if she never initiates it; however, (assuming you were explicit enough for her to understand that was what you wanted) if she is willing when you want to initiate it then that is wonderful, and is romantic in its own way.
Most of us Aspies do not "get" the "surprise birthday party" thing. I would be happy if someone I loved wanted to prepare something nice for me, but it would be easier for me if they discussed it with me beforehand. Intellectually, I know that the element of surprise is itself wonderful to many NTs, but emotionally, I don't quite get it. The fact that someone wants to do something nice is what is good, regardless of whether they thought of it on their own and planned it as a surprise, or whether they put in the work after the other person told them what they wanted.
I think your wife's lack of spontaneity really is something that you will have to adjust to.

Putting feelings into words, and putting an argument into words are two different things. (unless of course, the argument is over what someone is feeling. Those arguments are different)
Never ever being willing to admit one is wrong, in my personal opinion (and this is just my opinion, I could be wrong) doesn't have to do with Aspergers. My NT father is the most unwilling person I know to admit that he is wrong. Yes, it's frustrating.
In this instance, you might be right about her using a bit of a cop out, and yeah, maybe it is a bit unfair.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think your wife's lack of spontaneity really is something that you will have to adjust to.

Now if she wasn't willing to do nice things for you even after being explicitly asked, that would be a different problem. If that were the case, she would be the one who should adjust (assuming she cares about you).
But if the problem is her lack of spontaneity/lack of initiative-prior-to being asked, well, that really is just kind of the way we are.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I would like to add, that we Aspies are usually actually really good at putting things into words. Although sometimes it's easier to do so in writing. Sometimes, at least with practice, we can learn to be good at putting even emotions into words-as we can be more verbally explicit than NTs. However, in moments when there's a lot of emotion flying around, it does become more difficult. So sometimes we are better at writing things down. SOmetimes it is better to wait a little bit, and discuss things once emotions have cooled down a little bit.
Some of these issues are not just Aspie vs NT, but also have to do with the communication style of the family one grew up in, the communication habits one formed over the years, etc. Also, sometimes there's the complication of the "five love languages" thing.

 

[Pierre09]

This does help a lot. It's funny what you say about the surprise b-day thing because my wife has told me many times that she would never want a surprise b-day party. It's nice to hear that other people are the same way as my wife. I understand what you are saying that her lack of spontaneity is just how she is. We do try and find some common ground on "spontaneous" things. The most spontaneous I've been able to get her is to plan something about 36 hours in advanace...but that is progress.

 

[Pierre09]

Wow...you are saying some of the same things she says to me. This is very enlightening. She does say in a heated argument that she needs some time to process everything whereas I'm the type that wants to just get it all out in the open and over with. I felt like I had come a long way in the last year but I believe I still have a lot to learn and adjust to. What are you thoughts on counseling? I have offered it to her many times but she is not interested because she said she would not feel comfortable discussing things like this with someone she didn't know. I actually to get that. While it would be helpful from my perspective, it would put her in an awkward social situation...seems like a catch 22.

 

[Ylva]

The problem is, if I make a point in the argument that she can't refute, she will say something like "That's not true." And I will ask why not...and she says that she has difficulty putting it into words.

Are these points about her? Or about objective facts? I can only see how her feelings are relevant in the former case.

For comparison…
Accusation: You just don't care!
Truth: I lack expression.
Accusation: You think x and y!
Truth: You could not possibly know what I think, and it's certainly not that, and you (the accuser) just showed me that I can't possibly explain it to you.

If someone corrects me about a fact, I might check it before I update my beliefs, but will not get emotional about it, so if she does that it might be that she has painful memories associated with being corrected.

Also, at the risk of TMI… sex isn't necessarily comfortable if you have sensory issues. Or it might be that she actually fears rejection. I know it can be quite painful, even if it's perfectly reasonable.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Wow...you are saying some of the same things she says to me. This is very enlightening. She does say in a heated argument that she needs some time to process everything whereas I'm the type that wants to just get it all out in the open and over with. I felt like I had come a long way in the last year but I believe I still have a lot to learn and adjust to. What are you thoughts on counseling? I have offered it to her many times but she is not interested because she said she would not feel comfortable discussing things like this with someone she didn't know. I actually to get that. While it would be helpful from my perspective, it would put her in an awkward social situation...seems like a catch 22.

Hard for me to say whether counselling is beneficial. My parents tried counselling, and it didn't help them at all: just cost them a lot of money. However, maybe there are others with better experiences of it.
She's right about needing time to process it. My best friend (male) is also an Aspie. There have been some emotional times in the past (complicated story involving other people) but we only discussed emotions when we were in a state of calm. So we were able to say "I felt angry" etc, but not in the moment of feeling the emotion, only after having reached calmness. And it worked really well, and turned into opportunities to grow closer.
My NT father, on the other hand, tries to discuss emotions in the very moment when he is swept up in the heat of that emotion, and things do not turn out very well.