Not Being Able to Defend Yourself and Anger Issues/Depression/Anxiety

[kbb0]

Hi everybody. I just had a revelation about my brain today and I thought I'd share it here since other people on the spectrum might be struggling with this too. I'm not the most emotionally aware person (at least when it comes to myself) so maybe you guys will think this is obvious.

I was riding my bike on the street (where I was riding you can get a ticket for riding on the sidewalk. I also make sure to stay as close to the parked cars as possible to make it easy for drivers to get past me) and some guy started yelling obscenities at me through his window. Normally in situations like these I am at an absolute loss for words. I don't know what to say, all I know is that I don't feel good. But since this has happened to me before, I actually had a response. I yelled "I have to ride in the street asshole!" and on the rest of my ride to work I would think about what had just happened but I didn't feel angry or upset or gross like I usually would. I felt fine and I wasn't ruminating.

Is this what it feels like for people who are able to defend themselves and know how to respond to these types of situations? I always get either extremely angry and defensive, or extremely depressed when I feel like I'm being attacked or belittled or someone is judging me.

Now I am just confused how to apply this new information to make my life easier

 

[Observant]

People often have an idea of how the world should work, but most have the common sense that we live in a society so there will naturally be some overlap. Then you get a few who live in such a way where they'll do what they want and to hell with everyone else.

Fortunately, we are social creatures that thrive in collective societies, and what this person did was counter-intuitive to a properly functioning society. What did he achieve? He may have expressed his opinion, but what is it worth if it isn't based on reality? Sure he might of felt better emotionally, but how did he become a better human being by yelling obscenities?

The law and our society is on your side, who is on his? You contributed more just by acting in a civil manner than he did when he acted like an imbecile, and I would rather have you in our society than him.

 

[WittyAspie]

Good job standing up for yourself!! I know that can be really hard. As a fellow Aspie I’m proud of you.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yeah this is definitely aspie.

In the moment I am speechless, I then spend WEEKS replaying the conversation and coming up with witty responses. I even try to trigger the same conversation again so that I can respond better.

It never works. The only think I can do is accept this happens. I will never have a witty response in the moment and that's probably for the best. My well thought out responses would all have gotten me fired from my job. So I simply smile and wave in the moment, then pinch myself every time I replay the event.

Accept. Move on.

 

[WildCat]

Someone felt a need to run their mouth for the sake of running their mouth and you responded in kind, and afterwards you blew it off and went on with your day. You did good here.

 

[Gritches]

I know the feeling, and I love it. You successfully stood up for yourself, and that's fantastic. Enjoy your victory; revel in it.

 

[Catana]

It's good that you stood up for yourself, but whatever made you think you had to? There are people like that asshole, all over, and the sensible thing is to ignore them. There are times when you should stand up for yourself, and times when even interpreting it that way is wrong. It's always a waste of time when it's just some random jerk, and can open you up, in some circumstances, to violence. You weren't being attacked as you, just as a passing stranger who this guy thought he had a right to harass.

 

[Mary Anne]

It’s pretty common for a-holes to yell bad stuff at you when biking in the streets. They don’t care if it’s the law not to bike on sidewalks. Sometimes they want to really scare you, by trying to run you off the road, deliberately open car doors to make you crash, and of course the yelling obscenities at you. It’s nightmarish, and dangerous! Many hate driving with bikers on the same roads. Many places do not have bike lanes, but even then I see cars driving in the bike lanes all the time in Chicago.

When I biked, I would try to bike down the side streets. I would try to bike down alleys (though you run the risk of tire flats due to broken glass, etc), and or at non-peak rush hour times.

One super important thing is NOT to Yell back at these a-holes. No giving them the finger. They can and sometimes WILL retaliate. You do not want to inflame them to come back around the block and find you. It’s happened to me. It only takes one or two really bad experiences to traumatize you for life. I do not bike in traffic anymore. Whatever they say, stay silent, and keep focused in looking ahead and riding safely.

 

[Suzanne]

YES! I have spent years having to deal with obnoxious people, who really do not think before they speak and because of being shocked that they could come out with such tactless comments, has always rendered me completely silent and end up smiling for want of punching them, but oh boy, in my head, they are smashed to smitherings!

It came to me some time ago, that the reason why I remember these occasions SO CLEARLY is because of not dealing with it at the time and then one time it happened. This woman thought it hilarious to point out that just because I am a female, does not give me the right to hold on to a man ( my husband) and that look at her, who can jump around and she was several year's older than me ( she died recently). Well, I said that she ought to get to know a person before she makes cruel comments and it is THAT which I remember; not how nasty she was.

The trouble is, sadly, it does not give me courage to continue in the same light.

 

[Judge]

The good news is that you stood up for yourself. The bad news is the world we live in. Where tempers can run randomly "white-hot". Where even a minor altercation has the potential to escalate into tragedy.

But all that aside, we're only human. We take only so much and then we react. Yeah. It feels good when we can muster a well-deserved comeback. Well done.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Those esprit d'escaliers suck..

But they're safe

 

[Progster]

Yes, things like that can affect me really badly, people being rude or hostile for no good reason. I don't really process it in time to retort or react and end up saying nothing, then spend the rest of the day ruminating and thinking up appropiate retorts. It's good to have a few handy for such occasion, to build up a retort database.