thank you so much, everyone, for your replies! it's so nice to have people to talk to and weigh in about this; I tend to contain my problems/concerns in my own brain, rather than asking for advice or help from friends, and i'm realizing that that may not always be the ideal path to take.
I couldn't imagine dating more than one person at a time.
But then I can't imagine dating either. It's a social convention that just doesn't work for me. Too contrived....too stressful.
I make friends with people I like. If I like them even more, then I'll pursue the idea of a relationship. For me it's a linear process where emotions and intentions are more transparent. No games...no social expectations or rituals.
Believe me, I
hate dating also. I agree that it's stressful, and also spectacularly exhausting! I did my best to throw out the social expectations and rituals associated with dating with him, partly because I had to (I don't think he adheres to them either) but mostly because I prefer it, but... the transparency of emotions and intentions (on his part) was certainly missing.
NTgirl, he is lucky to have some of your attention. I am always impressed by how considerate, kind, and good-hearted you are here. Perhaps you might ask him about how he feels about you, your relationship-- and about juggling two relationships at once? It might be good and informative to get more details of his side of things. Perhaps he doesn't see the relationship as being at the same stage you do. Or, maybe he's just not a one-woman kinda guy.
Warmheart, you ALWAYS live up to your lovely username. thank you so much. as a sidenote, I always LOVE your gifs and images. They always make me laugh. so, thank you for that, too!
I really, really,
really wish I had been able to form sentences with my brain and mouth and ask these questions in the moment. when I asked him if he was actively dating and he told me yes, one other woman, I was immediately saddened and felt dumb and just stopped talking. I didn't follow up with any questions, like the ones you propose, and I definitely should have. I think I was afraid to open my mouth for fear that I might do something ridiculous, like cry (which I rarely, if ever, do in front of other people). It did strike me as strange, though, that
he did not say anything else either. No more elaboration, and he didn't even ask me if
I was seeing anyone else. I interpreted this as him not really caring if I was or wasn't.
Now, weeks have passed, and I'm afraid that too much time has gone by. And, with the passage of time, I'm increasingly convinced that he's indifferent towards me. Sigh, I wish I had had your voice in my head at the time!!
I have but it was always just for a short time in a transistion. I don't think I could focus on two people at the same time for very long.
Btw, I agree with your approach to the guy. Even with a Aspie I would still trust your senses and let him give some evidence to the contrary before going back to it.
I agree entirely. I've never dated more than one person at a time. When we only have so much time and energy at our disposal, I can't imagine trying to devote both to multiple people. And, thank you for your vote of confidence re: my approach for now. I've been so conflicted by it, but you're right that its my senses/intuition that has steeled my resolve thus far. If I had even a tiny shred of evidence to the contrary, I would jump at the chance to see him again and even ask the questions that Warmhearted suggested.
Ok, I am not a male aspie, but you did say that anyone of us can answer and thus, this 'ere female aspie will and with a heart full of pain for you!
When a guy or girl is dating more than one, sadly it does mean that the heart has not been touched!
thank you for your input,
Suzanne! And, for your compassion. I really appreciate it! Sadly, I think you are very, very right.
What always confused me is when people were considered "exclusive", and thus, there's a period where it's okay to date multiple people. My mom never could really explain it to me. I'm a very simple varmint. If there is a lot of interest and flirting there then you're mine after the first date. Forget about me ever dating multiples at once or anything that looked like having more than one boyfriend, that would tax my social reserves way too much!
This confuses me also! Dating multiple people is
so taxing. And, if I like someone enough to reallocate time/energy that I usually devote to my other beloved humans and my own self-care to spend time with someone and get to know him, then I must like him A LOT. And if I like him A LOT, I'm distracted enough by him that I stop noticing other men.
Plus, I can't date multiple people at a time because then I would subconsciously start comparing them to one another, and actively comparing two (or more!) complex human beings, weighing their pros and cons for my own benefit, seems cruel and unfair to me.
There were girls I liked as a kid, but was always too shy to ask one on a date (even when everyone knew), let alone two. So I never did the dating game. I just ended up marrying my best friend instead.
This makes me smile,
zurb, because I've recently realized how endearing and humble shyness can be. he is actually very shy. After a
year of noticing him around the gym, it was me who finally got the courage to say hello (he was the first man I have ever approached first!). He told me later that he was glad I did, because he never would have--and that he generally doesn't ever pursue women. Apparently he only dates if a woman comes after him, or if his friends set him up.
(this will sound rude, i dont mean it as a rude thing)........ as others have mentioned, i too am very surprised (to the point of jealous) that he's even able to get 2 people to date him at the same time. i've had 2 girlfriends in my life, 1 only lasted about a week.. and a couple girls i "dated" online (back in the days of AOL, never actually met any of them.. still, 1 person at a time)
anyway, that aside...... i was never really counted as a guy, so i got a lot of girls complaining about guys to me..... and, generally speaking, a person dating 2 (or more) people at 1 time isn't very uncommon. especially if they're under 20ish. the reason i was always given was that they did not consider it a serious relationship until it got to a certain point (usually something physical or after a certain period of time)
i can't really defend the action because i don't believe in it. everybody has their own thing for everything and thats the best i can chalk it up to. myself, if i have an interest in somebody (even without knowing if they're interested in me) i don't gain an interest in a 2nd person. or, if they're interested in somebody else (not even dating.. they just like somebody) then i almost instantly lose interest in them.
not rude at all,
ChrisC1983! thanks for sharing your thoughts. i agree with you about only being interested in one person at a time, but I think you're right that we're in the minority. A lot of people, particularly my age, date more than one person. i guess i was hoping that it is really uncommon for male Aspies, and that perhaps there might be something going on other than "he's just not that into you." Like you, I don't believe there's something necessarily wrong with dating multiple partners;
I just personally am incapable of it. Part of me is jealous that he is able to, too, haha!
