multiple dating partners?

[NTgirl4276]

hiraeth, your post has been really helpful to me. i need to remember that he may be content with our "awkward silence," and that reaching out to calm my own soul might be hurtful to his. thank you so much.

 

[Beverly]

I'm on the other side of the debate on the morality of it. My step daughter and her husband have a third. Though not legally so, it is a three way marriage, they are happy together and have been for the entire 12 years I've known them. I think it is possible for some individuals to truly love more than one person intimately/romantically at the same time.

It isn't morally offensive to me but, I realize it is to some others. If you can't handle it or it's wrong to you, then you should not have to compete for attention or love from your partner or would be partner but, if you agree with my perspective, it may be worth getting to know the third person and , seeing if it's possible for you.

 

[hiraeth]

Yeah, monogamy isn't for everyone and polyamory isn't for everyone either. Some people are naturally suited to a polyamorous kind of arrangement and it works for them, they're happier that way. If this isn't us and we don't have that inclination, trying to understand it from the point of view of how we function (differently from them) isn't really going to get us too far.

People in poly relationships have boundaries and requirements too, they vary from one relationship to the next and everyone is a bit different. Cheating is a violation of relationship boundaries, however they're defined in that particular relationship - it happens in all types of relationships. I wouldn't say that it's disproportionately common in poly ones.

 

[daisychain]

Hi NTgirl!
Sorry you found that out. I'm surprised he was able to carry on two relationships. I wonder if the other person he was "dating" would consider it a relationship, if you know what I mean.

I was dating a lovely Aspie man for a year. Whenever I'd say "I missed you" or "I really feel comfortable with you" he would pull back and say "I'm not ready to be exclusive." I asked him if he was dating anyone else; he said no. I think he just wasn't ready to commit to me. Like you said, maybe I was just too dumb/trusting/hopeful to see the truth (he wasn't that into me) but I don't think that was it.

I finally broke it off. I couldn't wait for him to give me the kind of emotional commitment I needed. And amazingly, I met someone very quickly and after a week, he is 10,000% more open and emotionally available than Aspie guy was after a year.

Sorry if I'm not answering your question directly. Just want to say I'm sorry and I hope you find someone who appreciates someone as neat and open and friendly as you are!

 

[donn]

Yeah, monogamy isn't for everyone and polyamory isn't for everyone either. Some people are naturally suited to a polyamorous kind of arrangement and it works for them, they're happier that way. If this isn't us and we don't have that inclination, trying to understand it from the point of view of how we function (differently from them) isn't really going to get us too far.

People in poly relationships have boundaries and requirements too, they vary from one relationship to the next and everyone is a bit different. Cheating is a violation of relationship boundaries, however they're defined in that particular relationship - it happens in all types of relationships. I wouldn't say that it's disproportionately common in poly ones.

Spot on. My biggest and best takeaway from polyamory is not that jealousy itself is the problem, but rather that every person should be able to decide for themselves what their own boundaries are. After my experiences, I have a certain amount of distrust for poly people who claim that jealousy in and of itself is unhealthy. I also second the statements that anyone looking for things to be open needs to put that out there plainly and early, otherwise we live, right or wrong, in a default assumption of monogamy.

I'm currently going into a period of casual dating, and making sure that anyone I'm seeing knows that I'm not looking to be exclusive for the time being. This goes against my own tendencies since I and, from what I can tell, most people on the spectrum tend to be codependent. However, being either alone or heavily committed would be unhealthy choices for me right now, so I'm pushing myself to do this right.

To aspie's who have more difficulty approaching potential partners, I highly recommend dating websites. You don't have to learn new social rituals or gauge someone's interest and availability from their appearance and *gulp* body language, which removes so many complications.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I had at one time a few people to... how do I say, have sex with and send naked photos and the like.
Dating is hard and people expect a lot from you, and I guess I am either not what they want or not what they want right now (to bad for them I won't be there later, not that I really wanted them as a partner in the first place).
Dating sites are all fine and good until you meet the person, then they generally don't like you.