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Me and My Aspie BF/He broke up with me. Now what?

H

Horses634

New Member
Hey guys so ex bf broke up with me about a month ago and although we only dated for 4 months it was pretty intense. We however did see each other a healthy amount and gave each other enough space. During this time I met his whole family and we were exclusive.

He asked me to be his gf pretty early on which surprised me a lot. We got on well and we were happy when we were together. I did notice a few things about him which were different though especially when it came to communication. I could go a few days without hearing from him sometimes and then he would text me out of the blue as if nothing is wrong. I guess I’m just used to guys texting me everyday.

Anyway he invited me to stay at his house for almost a week (we would usually see each other at uni) and I was surprised by this because we have never spent this much together in one go. I agreed to it and we got along and got even closer. When I was there his mom said to me that he really liked me and didn’t know what he was doing.

This is when things started to go downhill. After the holidays we returned to university and this was a very stressful time as we both study engineering and had many deadlines and not to mention exams coming up. During the first week I decided I needed to have a more serious talk with him about us seeing each other a bit more and on our communication. I was very calm about it but I basically just said I feel like we see each other at weird times and I just thought maybe we could see each other more regularly, nothing crazy, I made it clear to him i’m not clingy or anything. I also talked about how we need to work on our communication and perhaps we could start video chatting.

I was very confused by his reaction because he didn’t respond at first and seemed to just be thinking about it. I started to think that maybe he didn’t like me as much as I thought he did just because he was taking so long to respond to a seemingly simple request. He started to admit that he wasn’t being a good enough bf and saying things like I just have so much going on, I’m a student etc. At this point I thought he was going to break up with me so I asked him “is it because you are not into me?”. To which he replied that it had nothing to do with that.

Things kind of escalated and he started to reveal his insecurities about how how he hasn’t been in the gym in two months, been missing lectures and how he is a gaming nerd. At one point he even cried and got angry because I said that everyone thinks we are going to break up and I now totally regret saying that and I have no idea why i said it.

At the end he apologized and he revealed that he was diagnosed with mild Aspergers when he was 5 and he explained that it took him a long time to respond to me because he had a million thoughts going through his head. He then said something along the lines of finding it hard to change his routine but perhaps we could see each other a few set nights per week.

So that happened and things were fine and I stayed over and we were happy. However over the next few weeks I noticed he started to pull away. We did see each other a few times but not much. Now that I was aware of him having Aspergers I was a lot more worried. I didn’t bombard him with texts or anything but I did ask things like “do you think you might be too busy to see me?” To which he didn’t respond to.

Now for the grand finally I really started to get frustrated and worried. I really regret doing this and I wish I pulled away instead but instead my friend messaged him (she is really close to me and he doesn’t mind me getting advice from her) and she just asked him if he was doing alright and your gf (me) is just worried about you and just wants to know if there is anything wrong. He then replied that he was stressed and was feeling depressed at times and he would only leave him room to go work.

After he replied to my friend he then messaged me to meet him to talk. This is when he broke up by saying “I’m not feeling it anymore”. I asked him “so you are not into me anymore?” and he said yes. He explained that’s just how guys can be sometimes. I was obviously crushed and just shocked that he didn’t say anything else or didn’t give any other reason. I however left, I didn’t beg or cry (at least in front of him).

I sent him a few texts 2 days later saying that my friend told me how you are feeling and I just want to let you know that I care and will always be there for you. And I also said that I wouldn’t have asked to see you more if I knew you were feeling like this and I’m willing to wait. He never replied to this.

I know he said to his friend that I became clingy towards the end. I know this is kind of normal though and guys feel like they say this so they feel like they made the right decision. He also didn’t like that fact that I talked to lots of people about our relationship which I totally regret doing. I just cared about him and didn’t know what I was doing since he was my first bf.

I now have been in one month of no contact and I don’t plan on texting him. I’m just so shocked by everything. I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend.

I just don’t know what to think now. I know breakups happen often due to a loss of attraction but I just wonder by giving him space if he will ever contact me again?

We are on holidays now and I know he can’t be stressed by work or anything like that. I do know he has been listening so some sad songs about breakups and he literally never listens to music like that.

I just would love to hear some advice. It’s just hard to talk about this with other people because this is a weird situation.

I’m trying my best to move on but I just wonder is there any hope of him coming back?
 
 
Sounds pretty routine for one on the spectrum. That he's simply unable to juggle the stress and expectations of being a student and being a boyfriend at the same time.

This may sound strange to most non-autistic people, but in our world social contacts whether good or bad take an enormous amount of energy. So much so that when life becomes stressful whether temporary or not, it is often at the expense of our social lives.

In this instance it's hard to know whether this is a temporary "bump" in his life, or if he's simply surmised that he's unable to balance being a student and being a boyfriend at the same time. Especially given this is the first time he's had to deal with such conflicts. I'd guess though for the amount of time that has elapsed, that he has probably moved on. So it may be in your best interest to do the same.

Sad though, in that this may not be as personal to you as it sounds. That it's mostly about him and not you. Our energy levels are potentially compromised when it comes to social considerations. Strange, but true. Then combine it with the logic that he's there primarily to get an education, and something may have to "give".
 
He needs much more distance than a neurotypical person, auties do usually even more than it seems they say they do, so if they say they need space, might as well mean weeks rather than a day. This is indeed hard to do once you're attached to him.

It can be very worrying and seem as though he's not into you but I bet'cha he was honest at all times when he spoke about himself. It can be very confusing, the discrepancy between what he was saying and what he was doing [being distant]. I can relate to this confusion with my current boyfriend.

Its possible he's lost feelings too, we best believe him. Will he come back? Who knows, but certainly there are reasons for him to not date now. I hope you manage to move on and feel better. And him too.
 
I'm guessing he's approximately the same age as you, since you are both at uni.

Guess what? People with autism/asperger's usually mature more slowly than others their age. And typically, boys mature slower than girls, whether they have autism or not. So I judge that your bf is just not ready to have an exclusive relationship, or maybe to date at all.

Do not expect him to come back. Find someone else. Keep your mind on your studies.
 
Sounds like he was stressed and your response was to repeatedly make him more stressed. I got anxious just reading about how you kept asking if he's too busy for you and that you need more time with him, in the midst of already busy, routine-disrupting times. Are you implying you weren't clingy?

Is it really odd to not message just for a couple days? Messaging every day sounds maddening.

Of course I don't know him, but I wouldn't go back, that's all I can really say.
 
Fino said:
Sounds like he was stressed and your response was to repeatedly make him more stressed. I got anxious just reading about how you kept asking if he's too busy for you and that you need more time with him, in the midst of already busy, routine-disrupting times. Are you implying you weren't clingy?

Is it really odd to not message just for a couple days? Messaging every day sounds maddening.

Of course I don't know him, but I wouldn't go back, that's all I can really say.
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Okay I understand your point of view and what you are saying but I think when I wrote this I made this out to make myself look a lot more clingy than I actually was.

Two weeks before we broke up I texted him that we don’t see each other much and I think it’s becuase you might be too busy. I then asked do you think seeing me might be too much for you?

All I wanted from him was to communicate with me and tell me that he needs some space and I would be fine with that but instead he decided to ignore the message. And I literally only sent this kind of message once.

I only started to become more anxious and clingy because that’s what happens when someone starts to pull away, it’s a natural response.

When I asked to see him more what I really wanted was to a set in stone certain times we could see each other so I wouldn’t have to worry about when we can see each other next. Obviously however it came across as me being really clingy to him.

I didn’t expect him to text me everyday but sometimes I could go 4 days without hearing from (in the holidays for example) and I never complained. I don’t see how i was that bad in your eyes.
 
It sounds like you need him to respond in typical ways and when he doesn't fit within your expectation of the way things should be, you become upset. Therefore, I think you'd be more successful in relationships with non-aspies.
 
Fino said:
It sounds like you need him to respond in typical ways and when he doesn't fit within your expectation of the way things should be, you become upset. Therefore, I think you'd be more successful in relationships with non-aspies.
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It would definitely be easier for me to be with a non Aspie I agree. I think what made things worse was that my friends kept criticising him without actually understanding why he might be acting like this. It drove me to try to do something about it when in fact I should have just gave him space.

I just wish he explicitly told me that he needed some alone time because I would have understood more after he revealed to me that he is an Aspie.

I just feel like such a failure. I miss him so much and I just hope by giving him space he remembers the good times before all of this happened. It would just hurt so much if he did not try to contact me at all over the summer.
 
The reason why he didn't like you talking to others I think is because he knew they would mislead you more than help you in his case. It's too bad he couldn't be honest earlier on and really explain what he thought.

I find it a bit hypocritical he talked to his friend about you though given he didn't like you talking about him. Also find it disrespectful calling you 'clingy' no matter how you acted. I guess hes gotten frustrated you didn't understand him but I don't blame you, it takes a long time and it's really hard to completely do, not to mention trust him before the perceivable facts.

He would need to repeat reassuring things/same things to you a lot to counter the distance/behavior/ssilence on questions and he just didn't have the ability to do it and the time/energy to spend for his relationship. Generally my boyfriend got stressed when I asked stuff and was sensitive and considerate of not harming me so he would rather leave than see it getting worse and not being able to do anything about it and he would lose hope/feelings easily from it, not to mention I read some auties' feelings actually shut down when very stressed/anxious and they end up breaking up and possibly later feeling like they made a mistake and wanting to go back. Its a good idea to leave it alone though, in your case. He needs to focus on studies and do some reflecting on what happened hopefully he'll learn things from what he experienced with you.
 
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I completely understand your feelings and desires, but "explicitly" telling people things related to their own feelings are not an aspie specialty. I've learned to do it to an extent after many years of failing to do it. The amount of times I didn't do it and a problem was caused is ridiculous. But there ya go.
 
Rexi said:
The reason why he didn't like you talking to others I think is because he knew they would mislead you more than help you in his case. It's too bad he couldn't be honest earlier on and really explain what he thought.

I find it a bit hypocritical he talked to his friend about you though given he didn't like you talking about him. Also find it disrespectful calling you 'clingy' no matter how you acted. I guess hes gotten frustrated you didn't understand him but I don't blame you, it takes a long time and it's really hard to completely do, not to mention trust him before the perceivable facts.

He would need to repeat reassuring things/same things to you a lot to counter the distance/behavior/ssilence on questions and he just didn't have the ability to do it and the time/energy to spend for his relationship. Generally my boyfriend got stressed when I asked stuff and was sensitive and considerate of not harming me so he would rather leave than see it getting worse and not being able to do anything about it and he would lose hope/feelings easily from it, not to mention I read some auties' feelings actually shut down when very stressed/anxious and they end up breaking up and possibly later feeling like they made a mistake and wanting to go back. Its a good idea to leave it alone though, in your case. He needs to focus on studies and do some reflecting on what happened hopefully he'll learn things from what he experienced with you.
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I just want to first off start by saying thank you for this advice becuase this has been really hard for me and you are actually making me understand him and what happened so much more now.

You are spot on about the reason as to why he got upset at the fact that I was getting advice from lot’s of people. When he got mad he literally said “give me their numbers so I can call them, what do they know about us.” And I guess he knew that I didn’t know about him being an Aspie. I guess I just find it weird that he expected to me understand him without even trying to explain once why he needs space and time alone.

I definitely agree with you on how he was being disrespectful by calling me clingy because even if I caused him stress there was no need to to make me feel worse than I already did. Unfortunately it’s fairly common for someone to blame the breakup all on their partner initially as they need to feel like they made the right decision but usually with time they see what they did wrong as welll.

I find comfort in that you had similar issues with your bf only because it makes me feel less alone in this and provides me with so much more understanding on why this has happened. I took the breakup very personally at first and thought that he just didn’t like me as a person. I can understand why he lost some attraction for me because at that time he felt I was a source of stress and I guess my efforts to try to improve the situation made it worse. Next time I know to completely back off like I am doing now.

In a way I feel that if this breakup didn’t happen I would never know how to handle this properly as this space I’m having from him is allowing me to analyse this from a logical point of view and not an emotional one.

Do you think that it’s unlikely he will message me this summer? The last message I sent to him was friendly so I don’t think he should be scared if he wanted to. I know that I’m going to see him when uni starts again but this summer is quite long and I don’t want to go that long without hearing from him.
 
Fino said:
I completely understand your feelings and desires, but "explicitly" telling people things related to their own feelings are not an aspie specialty. I've learned to do it to an extent after many years of failing to do it. The amount of times I didn't do it and a problem was caused is ridiculous. But there ya go.
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I now understand that he probably didn’t register that he needed to tell me that he needed some alone time. I guess next time (if there is ever a next time) once I sense that he is feeling overwhelmed I will let him know that I’m always here to talk but then I will not contact him again until he is ready to. And I guess his lack of experience when it coming to dating didn’t help either.
 
Hey guys so my ex and I broke up during exams in the beginning of the summer and he did instigate the breakup but I kind of pushed for it to happen because I was stressed and so I was acting a bit clingy and wanted to talk to him about our relationship after he told he had mild Aspergers.

I was in no contact for a while and I noticed that he was looking at some of my Snapchat stories. After sometime I texted him asking how his exams were and he replied pretty quickly telling me they were alright and he passed them and that’s all he wanted. I replied really casually with “that’s great” and that’s it.

I didn’t expect much and I’m surprised that he replied to me. He is not a big texter and he didn’t text me much when we were dating, only to plan meet-ups.
Anyway should I not think much of this neutral response? I really do miss him so much and I just wonder if he does at all.

I shouldn’t tell him how I really feel should I? Because if really did miss me he would tell me that right?

I’m probably going to be seeing him next month when university starts again (we have a mutual friend) so I don’t know if I should tell him how I feel then.
I read somewhere that people with Aspergers have trouble reaching out and might have trouble talking about something like this.

I would like to have some advice on this and nothing like “just get over him” because I am starting to date again but I really feel like we were happy together before all of this happened.
 
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