MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

[Maelstrom]

On the friend thing, this may seem unrelated but for me and maybe for others with differences that set us apart from (NT)s one reason we may hold back on friendship from them is WOLF SYNDROME. I have noticed over the years that sometimes people that you thought you had good relations with, will up and snap, go side ways on you. It's like they walk by a crooked picture on the wall one time too many, and go mad, and start climbing all over the furniture braking stuff trying to straiten the picture. It will start with the person you are talking to making a unexpectedly sharp personal comment, and his demeanor will darkening a little. Then a strange thing happens it's like a black breeze ripples the water and once nice people around you start forming up a circle like a pack of wolves and even more pointed comments start coming in. And in the space of a few minuets things go from pleasant talk, to your feeling like fat lamb covered in steak sauce, with red eyes and drooling teeth all around you.
This is very disturbing for me as it tends to make me want to view others as a potential threats too much, rather than a potential friends, (bad).
Hi grumpy cat hope you're feeling better!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hi grumpy cat hope you're feeling better!

Howdy!

 

[epath13]

Well, I thought I'd answer this one it's pretty simple for me, here the friend characteristics
1) if something I do upsets you tell me why, don't assume I'm going to guess it
2) have something in common with me, or we'll have nothing to talk about
3) you are easygoing, like to laugh and don't get offended if I accidentally throw an inappropriate joke at you
4) you are kind, have a good heart but not too much of it
5) you don't text/message me everyday or even every other day, but maybe once or twice a week
6) I don't like talking on the phone, hope you understand
7) you don't try to prove your righteousness... ever
8) you don't care much for religion and if you do, you don't try to convert me
9) you accept gay and people with disabilities! !!!!!
10) you tell me (even though you don't have to) that you miss me or love me, and don't get offended if I don't
11) you try to understand that I need a break pretty frequently
12) you are not trying to be appropriate all the time, you can make a joke about me if you want to
13) you don't try to convince me to do anything, I will always have mind of my own. My "no" means "no", and that's final
14) you also might like to cook and feed me sometimes

Ok, I think I'm done for now

 

[Kari Suttle]

I thought it was the other way around - NT's shouldn't bother Aspies very much. I'm confused.

I can see what Daniel was saying, at least from my point of view. I sort of overcompensate for not being able to tell if someone is humoring me or actually wants to hang out with me by not asking about it too much. Cause then i feel like i'm probably forcing it or becoming a third wheel, injecting myself where i may or may not be wanted. I let the other person take the lead when it comes to hanging out, and text them often enough. When we were still talking my best friend and me would talk a few times a week, once a week tops if we were both busy or stressed or whatever.

 

[Maelstrom]

Hi Kari hope you are having a good day!
Hope you like this on the my Aspie 1/2 making me do stupid stuff to lose friends. There was this girl in my church I knew well and she went off to school in Alaska for a few years and brought back a groom. So the wedding is gearing up, (I hate weddings), and I'm standing accrossed the lobby from her thinking I should congratulate her before things get crazy. But my mind goes (Bizzzz somethings wrong), so I'm standing there staring at the bride probably totally creeping her out trying to figure out what is wrong. And then it hits me the bride is wearing a bridesmaid dress, Uuugh! It's not my friend it's her cousin. A very bad day for me!

 

[Ste11aeres]

I get along well with people who have an inner calmness and peace.

I don't get along with people who are hyperactive or tense or anxious.
People can be energetic, that's fine, as long as they are still essentially calm and peaceful, like Cesar Millan.

 

[Spiller]

I thought it was the other way around - NT's shouldn't bother Aspies very much. I'm confused.

I think it may be common for Aspies to annoy NT's by going on about their interest, 'hanging on' to a friend because of the novelty of friendship, obsessing over someone, being odd/difficult to understand.. maybe other things too.
I have a big problem with knowing the boundaries myself - I was told "Come round for a cuppa tea sometime". I couldn't define what 'sometime' meant, when would it be convenient for them? So I ended up not going at all.
Next time we bumped into each other and I explained my dilemma, I was told "come round anytime!". Well, if you discount 8 hours for sleeping, 8 for working, at least 3 for washing, eating, etc, they also have other things to do, anytime actually means less than 5 hours in any given day, maybe only 5 hours every 2-3 days or once a week!
Someone gimme a timetable.. please!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm reading this Aspie book "I keep telling you my brain is wired differently" and I'm reading about friendships/relationships. I don't think there is any way for me (NT) to explain how an NT friendship works. It's saying that Aspies are unable to understand. It says that an Aspie only focuses on whether a new person they meet has a common interest with them - they have no interest in the other persons family, career or education. Evidently the only thing the Aspie needs for a friendship is a common interest, but NT friendships are about learning things about the other persons life - not just their interests. (Continuing to read)

 

[epath13]

I'm reading this Aspie book "I keep telling you my brain is wired differently" and I'm reading about friendships/relationships. I don't think there is any way for me (NT) to explain how an NT friendship works. It's saying that Aspies are unable to understand. It says that an Aspie only focuses on whether a new person they meet has a common interest with them - they have no interest in the other persons family, career or education. Evidently the only thing the Aspie needs for a friendship is a common interest, but NT friendships are about learning things about the other persons life - not just their interests. (Continuing to read)

Well I haven't met that many NTs who wanted to know about my family, career or education unless that was the common interest as for understanding, there's nothing really to understand, there are acceptable social norms and rules, if you follow them you'll be fine. The only difference is that many NTs (definitely not all ) intuitively follow those rules and people on the spectrum have (well not really have, if they want to ) to learn them that's why socializing may feel so "artificial". I've noticed that sometimes people without Autism expect you to talk about your family or what not, that's sort of like a part of getting to know each other, and some really don't care, they prefer to talk about themselves. Sometimes I wonder if interest in others have more to do with personality rather than disorders... I don't know. ..I met tones of people when I was younger, I actually was pretty social when given an opportunity, I rarely talked about myself because I haven't learn how at that time, it wasn't very easy thing to learn (I'm not talking about interests, I'm talking about general thoughts, feelings, what's going on in my life etc). I did ask people questions and let them talk about themselves. Several people told me I was a great listener so yeah... I'm not really sure how other Autism folks are, maybe some only want to talk about their interests, or maybe it just naturally happens because they don't know what else to do... I don't know.

 

[gonz]

I actually was pretty social when given an opportunity, I rarely talked about myself because I haven't learn how at that time, it wasn't very easy thing to learn (I'm not talking about interests, I'm talking about general thoughts, feelings, what's going on in my life etc). I did ask people questions and let them talk about themselves. Several people told me I was a great listener so yeah... I'm not really sure how other Autism folks are, maybe some only want to talk about their interests, or maybe it just naturally happens because they don't know what else to do... I don't know.

This sounds like me, or how I used to be before my anxiety got to the level it's at these days. I felt (still feel) a strong urge to be social, though I found it extremely difficult. If I could interact with people one on one though, in a place where I felt comfortable, I found asking them lots of questions about themselves a very effective strategy. Most people seem to enjoy talking about their lives; giving them opportunities to do so made them more willing to overlook my strangeness. And people can often be pretty interesting, given the chance.

It was when it came time to share my experiences, or offer my own perspective on a situation, that socializing would get really difficult. It's something I still have a lot of trouble with, even with my girlfriend or family. Knowing what to say, and when, and how much is incredibly difficult for me so I tended to just keep quiet most of the time.

Except when it came to my special interests. Dragged my girlfriend to a classic car show once. She was shocked at how much more outgoing I seemed in that environment. It was partly excitement at being surrounded by my greatest interest, but mostly being in a situation where I could easily find things to talk about. It's not that my interests are the only things I want to talk about, they're the only things I know how to talk about.

 

[Spiller]

It's saying that Aspies are unable to understand.

the only thing the Aspie needs for a friendship is a common interest, but NT friendships are about learning things about the other persons life - not just their interests.

Keep reading Angie
I've read a number of books on ASD and AS and talked to several therapists. All differ in their understanding of the condition based, I think, on the individual author/therapists learning and experience.
Just bear in mind that everyone on the Spectrum is different, some Aspies can make eye contact, are sociable, understand clothes styles, etc, though some books and therapists will tell you they can't and some will say it is a Spectrum, after all.
Then I come on the forums and everyone is vastly more different than most any of the books and therapists say!
I recently read 'Aspergers Syndrome and Social Relationships' edited by Genevieve Edwards and Luke Beardon:
Asperger Syndrome and Social Relationships: Adults Speak Out about Asperger Syndrome: Amazon.co.uk: Genevieve Edmonds, Luke Beardon: 9781843106470: Books
It's a series of personal accounts by Auties and Aspies, most of which, I confess, made me cry and is one of the closest to 'what it's like' that I've read.
I've learned through looong, slow personal experience running my own business, also lots of people-watching, that NT relationships are about listening as well as talking and keeping the other person engaged (I look out for lots of yawning and leaving, myself), even if I'm not actually interested in what they're talking about.. I am interested in socialising, after all.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Evidently the only thing the Aspie needs for a friendship is a common interest(Continuing to read)

I partly disagree.

I think that really, Aspies might be more likely to form friendships with people who have the same interests, because they are likely to engage in the same activities, and to get to know each other that way. For me, I have to be working alongside someone, before I can become comfortable with them. In the case of my best friend, we were both in a situation that led to us working alongside each other on something. In that context our friendship was able to form. So I can't just go on a date, for instance, and connect.

I heard someone once say (relationship coach Matthew Hussey, it was online, but I cant find it) something that I think applies to both Aspies and NTs. He said something to the effect that it's not important what two people's interests are, but rather, what are their underlying reasons for being interested in those things.

He gave the example of a guy and a girl-the girl is really into dancing, and is amazing at it. The guy is horrible at dancing; he looks like some weird abstract art piece if he tries. The guy is very much into literature and writing, and the girl isn't. On the surface On the surface, it seems as if these two people are very different and have nothing in common. Yet if you ask the girl about her reason for liking dancing, she says ‘because there’s freedom, and creativity.’ And then you ask the guy about the reason he likes literature and writing, and he says that as he writes, he feels freedom, as he gets to be creative. And then you realize, that, underlying their different interests, there really is something similar about those two people.
But if two other people are into the same activity, but for different underlying reasons, because they value different aspects of it, maybe these other two people are not really compatible.

I used to think that I would only get along with people interested in the same things as me, but my best friend-who is the person I have more feeling for than I've had for anyone else-has different interests than me.

I think, though, that in the case of my best friend and I, we really do have the same motives underlying our different interests. He enjoys fishing. I've only fished twice in my life, and one of the times I ended up with someone else's fish hook stuck in my hand, and the other times, frustrated at my lack of success. Yet my best friend's love of fishing is probably because his love of the beauty of nature, a love that I share.
There are many many many more examples of our liking different things, with underlying same reasons.
I get along well with my physical therapist. He is into his work. I am into child care. Yet we both are motivated by the shared value of taking care of people (adults in his case, children in mine), of helping them, of being nurturing towards and gentle with them.
So when I talk to my best friend or my physical therapist, even though the externals of what they are into are different than the externals of what I am into, I can understand the underlying values, what it is that they love about the things like. This makes things more interesting.

However, being an Aspie, I got lucky in meeting those two people and in being in circumstances that forced us to be together long enough for me to start to bond to them. WIthout such circumstances, if we'd met in a purely social setting, such friendships wouldn't have happened.

 

[Ambellina]

I've found that I can only maintain friendships with people who can comfortably discuss criticism. I don't consider myself judgemental, but I have been described as 'brutally honest'. My few friends adore this about me. People who are not close to me don't seem to appreciate it. I'm not sure how I even came to have the friendships I have :/

 

[On the Inside]

I heard someone once say (relationship coach Matthew Hussey, it was online, but I cant find it) something that I think applies to both Aspies and NTs. He said something to the effect that it's not important what two people's interests are, but rather, what are their underlying reasons for being interested in those things.

He gave the example of a guy and a girl-the girl is really into dancing, and is amazing at it. The guy is horrible at dancing; he looks like some weird abstract art piece if he tries. The guy is very much into literature and writing, and the girl isn't. On the surface On the surface, it seems as if these two people are very different and have nothing in common. Yet if you ask the girl about her reason for liking dancing, she says ‘because there’s freedom, and creativity.’ And then you ask the guy about the reason he likes literature and writing, and he says that as he writes, he feels freedom, as he gets to be creative. And then you realize, that, underlying their different interests, there really is something similar about those two people.
But if two other people are into the same activity, but for different underlying reasons, because they value different aspects of it, maybe these other two people are not really compatible.

That is exactly it, isn't it? I have always had friends based on shared interests, and my partner and I got together because of shared interests. But the underlying reasons for those interests have not always been the same. In the case of friends, I'm not really sure what their underlying reasons were, but when they or I stopped participating in that interest, the friendships dissolved.

I know people who are into the same interests as me now, but being older and more aware of my differences, they seem to have different underlying reasons than I, and friendships fail to develop. It was easier in my teens, twenties, and to a lesser degree in my thirties to overlook the different underlying reasons and just enjoy the interest. Now (in my forties) it seems that people are more selective about who they associate with. Makes me feel like my reasons for doing things are different than most everyone else.

 

[Ylva]

I wish I were as indifferent as they think I am.

 

[Suzanne]

Since I have been married to a very NT man for 23 years and for most part, thought I was an NT but just strange, I can tell you that when chatting to an aspie, to recognise that we take things literally and so, to be careful with what you say and to confirm that the aspie you are chatting to, gets the actual point, because it can save a lot of heartache when it is explained!

To use hand movement with a friendly smile to denote the lowering of volume or the gentle reminder that perhaps someone else would like to take their turn.

Reading as much as possible about aspergers in both sexes, will definitely help.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I thought I had made a new friend, but things don't always work out I guess. I thought I had made a new friend at the orientation at work and I was supposed to see her again today, but she was late and they wouldn't let her into the class and now she's going to have to reschedule. We texted a few times and we were both really wanting to see each other again because we are so much alike. I went ahead and asked her if she wanted to go out for lunch sometime soon and now no texts. You know what's sad is that people think you can have just a friendship with texting and not ever doing things together and it doesn't work like that - at least in the beginning when a friendship is just starting. So just to let Aspies know, making and keeping friends with NT's isn't always easy for NT's either. (Heavy sigh)

 

[Maelstrom]

I thought I had made a new friend, but things don't always work out I guess. I thought I had made a new friend at the orientation at work and I was supposed to see her again today, but she was late and they wouldn't let her into the class and now she's going to have to reschedule. We texted a few times and we were both really wanting to see each other again because we are so much alike. I went ahead and asked her if she wanted to go out for lunch sometime soon and now no texts. You know what's sad is that people think you can have just a friendship with texting and not ever doing things together and it doesn't work like that - at least in the beginning when a friendship is just starting. So just to let Aspies know, making and keeping friends with NT's isn't always easy for NT's either. (Heavy sigh)

Aaaw! don't give up yet Grumpy Cat maybe she had a crash and burn day and didn't get to your text or was busy crying.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Aaaw! don't give up yet Grumpy Cat maybe she had a crash and burn day and didn't get to your text or was busy crying.

Thanks Mael for being positive. Thing is she answered every text but that one. People these days have a hard time putting themselves out there and making commitments. It doesn't surprise me. I'll still try again at another time and see if she answers. It just bothers me cause I had said to her that I hadn't made any friends at work yet and she said I had made friends with her. I just don't get people sometimes.

 

[Maelstrom]

Thanks Mael for being positive. Thing is she answered every text but that one. People these days have a hard time putting themselves out there and making commitments. It doesn't surprise me. I'll still try again at another time and see if she answers. It just bothers me cause I had said to her that I hadn't made any friends at work yet and she said I had made friends with her. I just don't get people sometimes.

Hi Grumpy Cat Yeah! it's hard on this friend stuff some times. I've found often the harder a friend is to earn often the longer they stay with you. But if she crashed and burned on the first class she likely had a very very bad day and may be in major meltdown mode. You could try going to see her she may need a shoulder to cry on.