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MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

Cali Cat said:
I wouldn't be too worried about it. For me, anyway, it's just the way I am. I expect this is true of most other Aspies too. I'm usually busy. I don't change gears easily. Therefore, when I'm interrupted, it is a disturbance and a bit of a bother. I have to wrap my mind around something new. I would suspect most Aspies are like me and have become used to this as a matter of course. If whatever we're doing isn't absorbing our entire thought process, it's not going to be a huge problem. Don't worry about contacting your Aspie friend. If he seems a little disconcerted at first, that just means he had his mind on something else. He'll get over it just like we all do. :)
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This 1000%! Most of the time when i'm at home i'm engaged in school work or reading something or whatnot, and getting a text interrupts that chain of thought. I don't switch gears very easily so its a disturbance in the sense that its unexpected by nonetheless welcomed because if a friend is texting me that's a good thing. Friends are good. Life without friends is the loneliest thing ever. Almost pointless. Unless i'm having another mental breakdown, i'll almost always pause the music, stop what i'm doing, and read/respond to a text.
 
Kari Suttle said:
Honestly i question why i'm getting a degree to get a good job in the first place if, reality is, i'll probably still be alone even after i graduate. What's the point of a good job if you're all alone.
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Kari, you're still young, and there's a lot of time yet to meet the right people. It's very important for you to graduate and get a good job. You have to take care of yourself first no matter what your social situation is. Having a decent income provides opportunities to expand your horizons and meet people in different places.
 
Kari Suttle said:
What's the point of a good job if you're all alone.
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A_P0007.jpg


To be a good Cat Mom? :)
 
Cali Cat said:
Kari, you're still young, and there's a lot of time yet to meet the right people. It's very important for you to graduate and get a good job. You have to take care of yourself first no matter what your social situation is. Having a decent income provides opportunities to expand your horizons and meet people in different places.
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I'm not saying that being eternally friendless makes college pointless...i'm just saying that not having people close to me makes life in general seem pointless. I don't think being able to go to different places and meet new people or whatever would help me much if i don't get people and never know how to respond, or think i do and obviously don't.

Judge said:
I think it's reasonable to think that's a trait many of us possess. I know I do. Interruptions when I'm highly focused don't go over well...sometimes even if it involves a friendly face.
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Just have to say, this was amusing to read. The last sentence mostly. But glad to know its probably a common thing.
 
Kari Suttle said:
I don't think being able to go to different places and meet new people or whatever would help me much if i don't get people and never know how to respond, or think i do and obviously don't.
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Yes, but then one day you meet the right person who is wrong in all the same ways, and it's great. ;)
 
Hmm.

Speaking as an Aspie whose friends are *all* NT, maybe I can offer a perspective on this.

From all my time on this forum, generally when I hear the term "NT" being bandied about, it is in the most generalized, one-size-fits-all context. As in, all NT's are outgoing, social animals, these alien creatures who are somehow able to effortlessly interact with and navigate the world around them, and who have a lot of trouble understanding the "needs" and ins-and-outs of Aspies, and who are shallow, big with small-talk, etc etc etc.

What do I look for in an NT for friendship? The same thing I look for in any friendship: Someone with whom I can make a personal, and usually emotional, connection, someone empathetic, someone willing to bare a bit of their soul to me (or more than a bit) and to whom I can be willing to bare my own, and who is understanding of my quirks, not just because I have AS in particular, but simply because I am a quirky human being, labels be damned.. In short, it's not really "NT vs AS/insert whatever" but it's on a purely individual basis. The friends I have, I can have great conversations about common interests, enjoy each others' company, be able to experience "comfortable silence." I can't speak for everyone, but to me, this isn't really even an issue of "AS vs. NT." It's a matter of, "Do I connect with this person on some level, can we support each other as needed, can we have good conversation, is there sufficient love and respect between us?" Someone who is okay with my not responding immediately to a text (or a text from me to them), someone with whom we have mutual respect of boundaries, and yet someone I know I can contact day or night with whatever problems I might be having and, even if they don't pick up immediately, have the compassion and empathy to eventually respond with an "Are you doing ok?"

I guess I'm lucky in having found such people. And I suppose the particular "NT" I look to for friendship is someone who is just a little bit outside of "normal," or "mainstream," or whatever. But I truly think it goes well beyond AS vs. NT, and it's a purely individual basis on whom I select who I think are my true friends and whom I would like to surround myself with.
 
Well, Aspies and NTs pose the same problem to me... lack of common ground, different worldviews, and ulterior motives. There's not much to be done for people who just lead very different lives, unless they can find a way to understand each other past the level of acquaintanceship. I try to treat people who approach me genuinely, whether they want company or homework help, with the same attitude.
 
[QUOTE="Graelwyn,There is always this question when you meet up, 'how are you?' and the expected answer is 'I am fine' or 'I am good' and if you tell the honest truth of how you really are, there is an awkward silence or an avoidance of you in the future.

There seem to be these unspoken rules to making friends, in terms of time taken to establish the friendship, in how much you share and how soon, and in how you express it if you are not feeling at your best, if you are meant to express it at all, that is.[/QUOTE]

Hi Graelwyn I agree, but I am stubborn and I bend the world towards me sometimes so if they ask me how are you too much and really don't want to talk I will hit them with a little, so so, or fair, poor, good, rotten, whatever. But I don't press it, if they don't bite I go Ha ha and move or turn away like it was a passing joke, no big deal. But after a few times they either learn to say hello or will sometimes take it as opener and say, (oh why), and I will say I was a little sick this week bla bla bla, or am really tired from working on the garden, and you get to talk with them like friends for a few minuets.
 
Kari Suttle said:
Of ****ing course i want friends! Sure some of the users here are probably fine with having nobody to talk to but i'm sure as hell not. Being around other people, normal people...its like they've been handed some sort of social interaction script/manual thing at birth that they just forgot to give me. I misread and misunderstand people all the time. I forget to keep answers short and simple and instead say to a coworker what i'd say to a best friend, say too much or too personally, and end up putting them off without meaning to. Happiness at actually having someone not ignore your entire existence instantly takes a 180 when you realize you ****ed it up again. Its a lonely existence and i hate it. Going to college for a favorite major and getting a really good job, what good is it if you don't know how to interact with people no matter how hard you try?! Like you're a ****ing defect or something.

I can attest to this. After a lifetime of failing everytime i try to converse normally with others, never knowing why despite how much i try, eventually i just came to accept the idea that nobody cares. That i'll always be ignored and lonely. Honestly i question why i'm getting a degree to get a good job in the first place if, reality is, i'll probably still be alone even after i graduate. What's the point of a good job if you're all alone.
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Hi kari I do that all the time,(talk to much), it's like a war with your natural self and I usually end up looking stupid when I do it. But when I remeber to ask people questions about them, Oooh they love that and I can't talk too much if they are talking.
On the friendship thing it's like boiling a lobster start small turn the heat up slowly. First maybe a nod or wave, than a little Hi or hello, then how are you doing pause slightly to give chance for reply, it can take a month or more to warm someone up.
Hang in there Okay Best wishes.
 
[QUOTE="nurseangela,

To be a good Cat Mom? :)[/QUOTE]
Hi nice cat pic. looks allot like my mittens.
 
nurseangela said:
Hi nice cat pic. looks allot like my mittens.
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That's Waldo. He's Aspie. :D Whenever we have a staring contest - he always loses. :)[/QUOTE]

Yes cats are funny that way, I cluck like a squrrel? to get them to come in at night so mountain lions won't eat them, the mountain lions come into town at night sometimes. My cats were abandon kittens fed them with eye dropper.
 
Maelstrom said:
That's Waldo. He's Aspie. :D Whenever we have a staring contest - he always loses. :)
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Yes cats are funny that way, I cluck like a squrrel? to get them to come in at night so mountain lions won't eat them, the mountain lions come into town at night sometimes. My cats were abandon kittens fed them with eye dropper.[/QUOTE]

My brother did the same thing. One of his cats (named "mittens" actually) was found in the dumpster and was so malnourished that she lost several teeth. She's really small too but has tons of energy. Her sister "Jewel" is fat and grumpy. Those are Waldo's cousins.
 
nurseangela said:
Yes cats are funny that way, I cluck like a squrrel? to get them to come in at night so mountain lions won't eat them, the mountain lions come into town at night sometimes. My cats were abandon kittens fed them with eye dropper.
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My brother did the same thing. One of his cats (named "mittens" actually) was found in the dumpster and was so malnourished that she lost several teeth. She's really small too but has tons of energy. Her sister "Jewel" is fat and grumpy. Those are Waldo's cousins.[/QUOTE]
All my cats (siblings) are different. Calico is our perminant kitten soft fur, Mittens brushy fur black and white, and Shadow all black and big 15 lb + and getting bigger may hit 30? has a squeaky little vioce??
 
My list has always been pretty simple, mostly consisting of not touching me and not being insulting. So long as I'm around sensible and decent people, I have no problem keeping friends.
 
if i could handle a relationship with another human being, he/she would have to go with me to places like the supermarket or just walking down the street. doing things together without talking too much, mostly in silence. we'd have to share the same interests, like i get alone better with other animals lovers.
i dont want small talk. i want to learn things. like when i asked my neighbor if he understands what the cats are saying when they talk, and he explained, and it was fascinating.
 
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