Hi there Community.
Like many aspies, I'm really dependant on my interests. They are the constant, precious freedom of thought and feelings where you can just dwelve into, experiment, play with ideas without the care in the world. I'm also sure that many of you know this state where they leave. Suddenly all the passions, focus and plans turn into a complete apathy, into this aching, empty hole that can't be filled. Poetry? You sit unwilling for ages not able to write a word. Books? You can't focus where your focus was so strong not that long ago. Science? You're, even though it sounds absurd seeing how much of a place in your life it takes, loses all that made it so fascinating. So... magical.
I've always been curious. Curiosity is like my middle name. When this state comes, it disappears, passions disappear and suddenly there's only empty shell of what once was onlything. 'Me' drowns in the Deep. Torn apart, away, where did it go again?
...Will it even return this time?
I know it's a part of my depression, anxiety and ptsd. I know I need to battle it on my own. Just... sometimes I don't want to anymore. Oh, I know it'll get better. Really, it's not even at the end of my worst episodes-related feelings, not mentioning days. Also, it's only been a week. Still, a gradually worse week.
This is a question for all the depressed/anxious aspies/auties out there. What do you do when this moment comes? Where you feel like once again you loose all the little parts of yourself you thought you've found? When it's just... nothing before or behind you. Just... the Deep.
I apologise for the upsetting note of this thread but normal NT means didn't work for me so far. I always come out on my own after all my wounds seem to be once again licked but - it takes time and this is something I don't have... or want to have. I don't want to drown all over again because if I do - what's the point in carrying on if it happens again and again? What if, one day, it'll just leave and never return..? I can go through short periods of this - a few weeks, at most a few months but I've gone through more than two years of constant aching and 'homesickness' after what I loved - and more than once. I don't want it again. I'm not strong enough to go through it again.
Because... what's the point if there's no point? This is what my passions mean for me. They are me. They are such a big part of my life. It's like... loving something and seeing it die - again, and again, and again. All over again.
And it really hurts. Because some of them never return and it's like you - are dying with every single one of them.
Now it turned into a rant, hasn't it? Eh.
Any thoughts are welcomed.
Like many aspies, I'm really dependant on my interests. They are the constant, precious freedom of thought and feelings where you can just dwelve into, experiment, play with ideas without the care in the world. I'm also sure that many of you know this state where they leave. Suddenly all the passions, focus and plans turn into a complete apathy, into this aching, empty hole that can't be filled. Poetry? You sit unwilling for ages not able to write a word. Books? You can't focus where your focus was so strong not that long ago. Science? You're, even though it sounds absurd seeing how much of a place in your life it takes, loses all that made it so fascinating. So... magical.
I've always been curious. Curiosity is like my middle name. When this state comes, it disappears, passions disappear and suddenly there's only empty shell of what once was onlything. 'Me' drowns in the Deep. Torn apart, away, where did it go again?
...Will it even return this time?
I know it's a part of my depression, anxiety and ptsd. I know I need to battle it on my own. Just... sometimes I don't want to anymore. Oh, I know it'll get better. Really, it's not even at the end of my worst episodes-related feelings, not mentioning days. Also, it's only been a week. Still, a gradually worse week.
This is a question for all the depressed/anxious aspies/auties out there. What do you do when this moment comes? Where you feel like once again you loose all the little parts of yourself you thought you've found? When it's just... nothing before or behind you. Just... the Deep.
I apologise for the upsetting note of this thread but normal NT means didn't work for me so far. I always come out on my own after all my wounds seem to be once again licked but - it takes time and this is something I don't have... or want to have. I don't want to drown all over again because if I do - what's the point in carrying on if it happens again and again? What if, one day, it'll just leave and never return..? I can go through short periods of this - a few weeks, at most a few months but I've gone through more than two years of constant aching and 'homesickness' after what I loved - and more than once. I don't want it again. I'm not strong enough to go through it again.
Because... what's the point if there's no point? This is what my passions mean for me. They are me. They are such a big part of my life. It's like... loving something and seeing it die - again, and again, and again. All over again.
And it really hurts. Because some of them never return and it's like you - are dying with every single one of them.
Now it turned into a rant, hasn't it? Eh.
Any thoughts are welcomed.