Lost interests

[onlything]

Hi there Community.

Like many aspies, I'm really dependant on my interests. They are the constant, precious freedom of thought and feelings where you can just dwelve into, experiment, play with ideas without the care in the world. I'm also sure that many of you know this state where they leave. Suddenly all the passions, focus and plans turn into a complete apathy, into this aching, empty hole that can't be filled. Poetry? You sit unwilling for ages not able to write a word. Books? You can't focus where your focus was so strong not that long ago. Science? You're, even though it sounds absurd seeing how much of a place in your life it takes, loses all that made it so fascinating. So... magical.

I've always been curious. Curiosity is like my middle name. When this state comes, it disappears, passions disappear and suddenly there's only empty shell of what once was onlything. 'Me' drowns in the Deep. Torn apart, away, where did it go again?

...Will it even return this time?

I know it's a part of my depression, anxiety and ptsd. I know I need to battle it on my own. Just... sometimes I don't want to anymore. Oh, I know it'll get better. Really, it's not even at the end of my worst episodes-related feelings, not mentioning days. Also, it's only been a week. Still, a gradually worse week.

This is a question for all the depressed/anxious aspies/auties out there. What do you do when this moment comes? Where you feel like once again you loose all the little parts of yourself you thought you've found? When it's just... nothing before or behind you. Just... the Deep.

I apologise for the upsetting note of this thread but normal NT means didn't work for me so far. I always come out on my own after all my wounds seem to be once again licked but - it takes time and this is something I don't have... or want to have. I don't want to drown all over again because if I do - what's the point in carrying on if it happens again and again? What if, one day, it'll just leave and never return..? I can go through short periods of this - a few weeks, at most a few months but I've gone through more than two years of constant aching and 'homesickness' after what I loved - and more than once. I don't want it again. I'm not strong enough to go through it again.

Because... what's the point if there's no point? This is what my passions mean for me. They are me. They are such a big part of my life. It's like... loving something and seeing it die - again, and again, and again. All over again.

And it really hurts. Because some of them never return and it's like you - are dying with every single one of them.

Now it turned into a rant, hasn't it? Eh.

Any thoughts are welcomed.

 

[Sabrina]

That has happened to me, but it is always due to something external related with my emotional life. If there’s something wrong, or the situation I am living at the moment requires too much of me, I can’t find inspiration for my interests (writing). But if my ‘outer’ life has a minimum of my necessities covered, I’m fine.
Do you know why your inspiration leaves you? Or you don’t know?

You said :
« They are me. They are such a big part of my life. It's like... loving something and seeing it die - again, and again, and again. All over again ».

It doesn’t happen to me. What I sometimes go through is not a cycle, nor gets repeated.

Since you are using the word ‘die’ and the words ‘again’ many times, I would suggest you to research about bipolar disorder (there are several threads here in AspiesCentral).

 

[onlything]

That has happened to me, but it is always due to something external related with my emotional life. If there’s something wrong, or the situation I am living at the moment requires too much of me, I can’t find inspiration for my interests (writing). But if my ‘outer’ life has a minimum of my necessities covered, I’m fine.
Do you know why your inspiration leaves you? Or you don’t know?

You said :
« They are me. They are such a big part of my life. It's like... loving something and seeing it die - again, and again, and again. All over again ».

It doesn’t happen to me. What I sometimes go through is not a cycle, nor gets repeated.

Since you are using the word ‘die’ and the words ‘again’ many times, I would suggest you to research about bipolar disorder (there are several threads here in AspiesCentral).

I did research bipolar. Didn't give much of an insight. Too many differences.

There are always stresses coming from 'external' life that worsen the condition. However, just as many come from the 'internal' part. When they mix together, they cause the apathy, exhaustion, depressive episodes etc. My interests mean for me this much due to circumstances. They are 'the last hope thread', you could say. When the apathy comes, things become simply hopeless. I know the reasons but I can't find solutions.

 

[Gritches]

I think I know what you mean. What I do is fall into a deep depression. Sometimes it lasts days, sometimes weeks, a couple times even longer. In this moment, upon reflection, I guess what gets me out of it is moving on to something else, knowing that it's just going to happen again, that like the snap of a twig I'll lose all passion and interest in the subject, and the cycle will repeat.

I was once misdiagnosed with bipolar because of it. Again, reflecting upon it right now in this moment, I usually find my next "thing" by watching TV, particularly shows I've never seen before or wouldn't usually watch. I'll get some inspiration, and go off on my next "tear" as I call it, and all will be right in the world again for a while.

 

[OkRad]

What are your special interests?

 

[Sherlock77]

I will say this much, every artist or creative person will get "writers block" at various points... I've been hammering hard at my photography for over 10 years now, there have been moments of less inspiration that I just simply had to fight through...

I've also known other creative people who go between different forms of creative expression, a few years ago I met a former camera club member at an event and we talked for a few minutes, she hadn't been at a club meeting because she wasn't doing photography anymore, moving on to a different way to express her creative self... This isn't uncommon...

So far over ten years I'm a workhorse with my camera, the only creative thing I do

 

[Chance]

For me... I tend to start stuff (projects) to get my mind off my mind, my past, sometimes my present...
I get too much going and I get overwhelmed... I get going good and something or someone unexpectedly trips me up.

If I'm not really careful I will get depressed because I get horribly disappointed in myself...
So I try to break these big projects down into much smaller tasks and quit trying to focus on the part that is over whelming me... I usually get back on track pretty fast.

Right now I have way too much going on and I am trying really hard to not get overwhelmed. For instance our main financial institution (Bank President and a bunch of his friends) are coming to play golf and have lunch tomorrow... We just had horrible storms and I only had 2 days warning... So right now I feel like a lot hasn't been done good enough.

This coming Saturday, I have finance committee meeting, budget approval meeting, and Board of Directors Meeting... All my bosses all there at one time... I have been feeling sick at my stomach all week. Yet, I have done my best, but I always fear it is never enough. So, my personal stuff goes on back burner until I get past all this and any stuff they want done.

This is when ASD is not my friend. I have to look at these people (as much as possible). I have to talk to them (as much as possible), and yes... this is when I get back on my meds for about 2 weeks to try and help me become something I have never been able to be for very long.

However, I brought this golf course basically back from the dead... But more and more is always expected. Its very hard on me. I will be glad to transfer and get back to a less stressful position and a lot more freedom soon.

I have to get lots of stuff done in a reasonably short time to transfer and that too is putting lots of pressure on me, not to mention a very messed up marriage situation right in my face 24/7... Yep I know what it feels like to want to give up. I fight it all the time and didn't even mention the massive list of things I need to finish that I have started.

I somehow KNOW that once I get past this mess, my life will once more ease up... I feel it inside and that feeling has never been wrong, its just pushing through to get to it. I won't give up, and I hope no one else does either.

 

[OkRad]

I cling to my interests like Life. They require heavy mental attention. After my accident, it was very, very hard. I continued on with them, and made them even harder than before. I took on TWICE as much specifically because my brain was telling me to stop.

I am weird that way. A long, circuitous route up the back of a mountain or an elevator? I will take the long route, even in snow and sleet.

I think this came from abuse I endured where death was an actual and expected possibility. I think I realized fully how soon it will be over. POOF. Then no more learning what I want to learn.

That on top of the fact that my brain ACHES TERRIBLY when I do not engage in my special interest. It hurts more NOT to do it than to grab my brain by the ***s and say "Go screw yourself. You ARE cooperating."

 

[Suzanne]

My passion at one time was reading. It was a bit of a catch twenty two, because I would be glued to my book and any excuse that came my way, back to that book I would go, which resulted in a quick read and then the horribly weighty sense of darkness that came over me; but I could then, sort of take a big shaky breath and go and get my next book. So, like a smoker lol

Sadly, the internet has taken over the reading. Moving to a country that is only not my own and speaks a different language, was a shock to me; because suddenly I could not just pop to a library and indulge my passion. Then, a chance came where there was boxes of books and I devoured most of them.

I keep the few books I have now, which have been read countless of times; in the event of a powercut. I see that I was did not have the internet and survived, so I can survive again.

To me: the bigger the book, the more excitement.

 

[SusanLR]

I somehow KNOW that once I get past this mess, my life will once more ease up... I feel it inside and that feeling has never been wrong, its just pushing through to get to it. I won't give up, and I hope no one else does either

That's how I feel. My lost, dark, deep hole feeling came from a complete external life change and my passions and creativity went with it.
I feel I have went through survival mode, grief/loss mode, not feeling like me anymore mode, all while putting up with a verbally abusive person for a place to live.
Home. Oh, that is the feeling I long for again.
Will I find it somehow again in this life time?

I just keep pushing through, too.
But, I also feel inside the change is coming.

Empathy = Chance (pun on words)
But somehow your words are meaningful to me.
And this is a fine group. Helps immensely.

 

[Chance]

I cling to my interests like Life. They require heavy mental attention. After my accident, it was very, very hard. I continued on with them, and made them even harder than before. I took on TWICE as much specifically because my brain was telling me to stop.

I am weird that way. A long, circuitous route up the back of a mountain or an elevator? I will take the long route, even in snow and sleet.

I think this came from abuse I endured where death was an actual and expected possibility. I think I re alized fully how soon it will be over. POOF. Then no more learning what I want to learn.

That on top of the fact that my brain ACHES TERRIBLY when I do not engage in my special interest. It hurts more NOT to do it than to grab my brain by the ***s and say "Go screw yourself. You ARE cooperating."

OK you seem really intellectual... as do others, but you say things that make me think deep.
Do you ever fear you will die before you get to do what you came here to do?
This is one of my deep fears, but yet I struggle with this deep inner dialogue that tends to always push me to not waste my time here...

Sometimes I feel like it steals what little joy I might have, but I truly think thats just me being selfish.

Sounds so stupid I'm guessing... But its always there and when I get depressed its really bad.

You

That's how I feel. My lost, dark, deep hole feeling came from a complete external life change and my passions and creativity went with it.
I feel I have went through survival mode, grief/loss mode, not feeling like me anymore mode, all while putting up with a verbally abusive person for a place to live.
Home. Oh, that is the feeling I long for again.
Will I find it somehow again in this life time?

I just keep pushing through, too.
But, I also feel inside the change is coming.

Empathy = Chance (pun on words)
But somehow your words are meaningful to me.
And this is a fine group. Helps immensely.

I think you hit it when you said "survival" mode... I seem to have been in that place most of my life.
I have interests that I love deeply... and then something happens that throws me in to that place where all I am concentrating on is the best way to make it through the day... and it happens too often and I get tired of that battle. Like you I KNOW there is better things coming if I just keep pushing and being positive. : )

 

[Chance]

My passion at one time was reading. It was a bit of a catch twenty two, because I would be glued to my book and any excuse that came my way, back to that book I would go, which resulted in a quick read and then the horribly weighty sense of darkness that came over me; but I could then, sort of take a big shaky breath and go and get my next book. So, like a smoker lol

Sadly, the internet has taken over the reading. Moving to a country that is only not my own and speaks a different language, was a shock to me; because suddenly I could not just pop to a library and indulge my passion. Then, a chance came where there was boxes of books and I devoured most of them.

I keep the few books I have now, which have been read countless of times; in the event of a powercut. I see that I was did not have the internet and survived, so I can survive again.

To me: the bigger the book, the more excitement.

I like to get lost in music, like you do in books... I like to try and picture each instrument separately, find its rhythm and spacing amongst the others. When reading I like to try and find about the person writing, as much as reading what they wrote...

 

[onlything]

What are your special interests?

Architecture, connection to the environment and technological aspects. Bridges, skyscrapers, wind influence and classicism. Art like poetry, painting. Psychology. Scientific books. Fiction, video games and programming. Architecture, video games and books being three cores. If I can't enjoy it, I can't enjoy anything.

 

[onlything]

I will say this much, every artist or creative person will get "writers block" at various points... I've been hammering hard at my photography for over 10 years now, there have been moments of less inspiration that I just simply had to fight through...

I've also known other creative people who go between different forms of creative expression, a few years ago I met a former camera club member at an event and we talked for a few minutes, she hadn't been at a club meeting because she wasn't doing photography anymore, moving on to a different way to express her creative self... This isn't uncommon...

So far over ten years I'm a workhorse with my camera, the only creative thing I do

I had creative blocks before. It's frustrating but not the same.

 

[Suzanne]

I like to get lost in music, like you do in books... I like to try and picture each instrument separately, find its rhythm and spacing amongst the others. When reading I like to try and find about the person writing, as much as reading what they wrote...

Oh wow, I LOVE music, but not in the same context as yourself. But yes, I do the same with books. I like to get to "know" the author.