Loneliness

[KwiSpen]

I have never had a girlfriend, but I've wanted one for the longest time. I've been on a dating site since July, and have only had one date, and none since October. I have been feeling very lonely as of late, as well as unfulfilled due to lackluster grades at college, but that's beside the point. Anyway, I am lonely now, likely due to the immense free time I have now, and no one to spend it with outside of my family. I long for a woman, and I don't know how to approach the situation. How do I get a woman as an aspie, and how do I shake this damned feeling of loneliness?

 

[Suzanne]

Although I am married, I can imagine how it would be if I were in your shoes and so, my heart goes out to you! Actually, I have a friend who would love to marry and suffers loneliness quite often, but especially in the evening or at night time.

I am married to an NT and although, yes it is horrendously difficult at times, we are both trying to compromise with each other. Being an aspie does not automatically mean, things are going to be plain sailing, since we are all individuals and thus, can easily clash.

I used to go by visual but now appreciate that personality is far more important and can even turn the perceived "ugly" one into a smashing looking one.

I do hope you lose that horrible lonely feeling sooner rather than later!!!

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

About the only English system I'm not eager to adopt is stones over pounds. One makes about as much sense as the other to me. I can see why y'all prefer stones though, it'd be pretty confusing if pounds referred to both weight and currency.

This is common on here, but I almost regard such things as a comedy lol.

I have never had a girlfriend, but I've wanted one for the longest time. I've been on a dating site since July, and have only had one date, and none since October. I have been feeling very lonely as of late, as well as unfulfilled due to lackluster grades at college, but that's beside the point. Anyway, I am lonely now, likely due to the immense free time I have now, and no one to spend it with outside of my family. I long for a woman, and I don't know how to approach the situation. How do I get a woman as an aspie, and how do I shake this damned feeling of loneliness?

And so is repeated the misery of my own life of increasing loneliness (though I'm quite preoccupied getting things listed on ebay and getting that successful amongst others things) even though my need for a lover comes more so from a desire developed from a need a few years back rather than just an outright desire. Which dating sites are you useing? Oasis (though it was better before the changes) isn't too bad even though I've not really had any luck on there and POF (plenty of fish) is inundated with opportunities.
What happens when you try doing things face to face then with someone you like....does it blow-up in your face in all the ways it always does for me (if at all anything)?

 

[KwiSpen]

Perhaps I should have been more clear. I need advice, not stories of how miserable people are. I'm not ungrateful by any stretch of the imagination, but I need a way to shake loneliness. Thank you.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Perhaps I should have been more clear. I need advice, not stories of how miserable people are. I'm not ungrateful by any stretch of the imagination, but I need a way to shake loneliness. Thank you.

Fair enough, then by all means defer to some of the advice I was given in my thread I posted which basically mirrored your own. It didn't really make a difference (not yet anyway and maybe not ever) but it certainly addressed potentially agreeable flaws/inhibitions in me which you may also exhibit, as well as other things.

Hopefully thats more to your likening (and offers plenty) until or unless you get more answers on here.

~~~ Are These Good First Messages To Ladies On P.O.F Dating (Opinions Please) ?? ~~~ | AspiesCentral.com

 

[zipit29]

you sound like me. i've never had a boyfriend, always wanted one but just dont get out. i've been on dates but never been kissed or never had anything progress past the friend zone. starting to think nobody wants me. lol. I'm too weird and talk to much. i'm gonna be alone for new years, again. it sucks. so i guess i feel your pain.

 

[Vinca]

Things that help me feel less lonely

-Doing activities that I enjoy that occupy my mind/thoughts
-Being involved with groups of people that have similar interests as me
-Prayer and bible study/reading - I'm a Christian and I find prayer/talking to God particularly helpful.
-Talking with people through forums
-Spengding time outdoors/around nature
-The website '7 cups of tea' has 'Free, anonymous, and confidential conversations with trained active listeners'. I've used it a couple of times a find it a helpful support when I'm feeling particulary lonely. It's possible to search for listeners that have aspergers as well.

Things that I avoid doing as they make me feel more lonely

Watching films with romance as a big part of the story

Things that I don't have first hand experience with to know if/how much thery help but have heard others say they are helpful

Having a pet animal.

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Via a UK tv show, I've seen a dating agency that specialized in helping people with a variety of dufficulties (not sure if difficulties is the most appropriate word but I couldn't think of a better one) such as tourettes, autism/aspergers, dwarfism, albinism etc There may be an agency that covers your location that could help with finding a female.

 

[ImAnAspie]

You say you're lonely probably because of the immense amount of free time. Don't you have any Special Interests? Mine practically take up all of my free time and even times when I'm supposed to be working, sleeping, etc.

I never got my (ex)partner until I was 24. In hindsight, it may not have been the best move. Two expressions come to mind.

1) The grass is always greener on the other side;
2) Be careful what you wish for because you may just get it!

Get a hobby.

 

[Thesaurusrex]

I've got to agree with ImAnAspie - If you have so much free time that it's causing you to feel lonely and listless, the best thing you can do is invest that time in things you enjoy, or things that may improve your situation. These would be:

A) hobbies, pursuing or exploring special interests, etc.
B) spending time researching social and relationship intricacies that you feel you could improve on - ie. self help books (ebooks are aplenty lol), forum discussions, etc.
C) pursuing social interactions via whatever method you are most comfortable with (personally, I enjoy befriending people via games/gaming forums, for example, because there is immediately a buffer as you have something in common to discuss).

It seems a lot of aspie guys (and NT guys, to be fair), have an obsession with procuring a girlfriend, and are under the impression that if they could just do so, their problems would be resolved... This kind of approach to a relationship is undoubtedly going to end terribly. My advice would be to first approach girls you would enjoy as friends, I think a romantic relationship built on such a foundation is a much safer route for we on the autism spectrum.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I've got to agree with ImAnAspie - If you have so much free time that it's causing you to feel lonely and listless, the best thing you can do is invest that time in things you enjoy, or things that may improve your situation. These would be:

A) hobbies, pursuing or exploring special interests, etc.
B) spending time researching social and relationship intricacies that you feel you could improve on - ie. self help books (ebooks are aplenty lol), forum discussions, etc.
C) pursuing social interactions via whatever method you are most comfortable with (personally, I enjoy befriending people via games/gaming forums, for example, because there is immediately a buffer as you have something in common to discuss).

It seems a lot of aspie guys (and NT guys, to be fair), have an obsession with procuring a girlfriend, and are under the impression that if they could just do so, their problems would be resolved... This kind of approach to a relationship is undoubtedly going to end terribly. My advice would be to first approach girls you would enjoy as friends, I think a romantic relationship built on such a foundation is a much safer route for we on the autism spectrum.

Nice reply but TOO SOCIAL ORIENTED! Forget social. Try Quiet Solitude. Does wonders for the soul

 

[Judge]

Nice reply but TOO SOCIAL ORIENTED! Forget social. Try Quiet Solitude. Does wonders for the soul

I thought she covered that rather well with item "A".

In essence that hobbies, pursuing or exploring special interests, etc. don't necessarily require socialization at all.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I thought she covered that rather well with item "A".

In essence that hobbies, pursuing or exploring special interests, etc. don't necessarily require socialization at all.

More focus on Quiet Solitude! Mindfulness, Meditation... Solitude is the way to be. You don't understand the bliss that can be found in quiet solitude. One can find oneself. It's a beautiful feeling

 

[ImAnAspie]

And stimming - I like to rock I'm rocking right now

 

[Judge]

More focus on Quiet Solitude! Mindfulness, Meditation... Solitude is the way to be. You don't understand the bliss that can be found in quiet solitude. One can find oneself. It's a beautiful feeling

LOL. You're "preaching to the choir". I live in near isolation. It's a mental health requirement for me. However I also acknowledge that solitude isn't intended as an outright substitute for loneliness either.

 

[ImAnAspie]

LOL. You're "preaching to the choir". I live in near isolation. It's a mental health requirement for me. However I also acknowledge that it's not intended as an outright substitute for loneliness either.

There are some people who can't stand solitude. I once read an article about solitude that said if you were the sort of person who didn't like yourself, you couldn't live with yourself.

Well, I just happen to like myself just fine and I live with myself very well. I love my own company. I talk to myself out loud sometimes. Sometimes just to say, "You're a stupid idiot" but I'm not really. I'm very high functioning!

I LOVE BEING ALONE!!!

 

[Judge]

There are some people who can't stand solitude. I once read an article about solitude that said if you were the sort of person who didn't like yourself, you couldn't live with yourself.

Well, I just happen to like myself just fine and I live with myself very well. I love my own company. I talk to myself out loud sometimes. Sometimes just to say, "You're a stupid idiot" but I'm not really. I'm very high functioning!

I LOVE BEING ALONE!!!

I get that. Some people thrive without any other human beings in their orbit. However from the specific context of the original poster who created this thread, do you really think you can sell solitude on an exclusive basis to him?

I think most of us need solitude to grow to some degree...but it's not an answer unto itself.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I have a love affair with Solitude!

 

[Judge]

I have a love affair with Solitude!

It's like a warm, fuzzy slipper to me. But I have no desire to marry it, either.

Then again, some folks might say I live with it on a common-law basis.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I get that. Some people thrive without any other human beings in their orbit. However from the specific context of the original poster who created this thread, do you really think you can sell solitude on an exclusive basis to him?

YES! WHOLE HEARTDLY!

I've been there! I've done that. TRUST ME.

It's the best, most peaceful option!

 

[ImAnAspie]

Care of the soul is the most important, even if that means you have to go without people, which most often, it does!