Lets Talk About Sex! (and ASD)

[aspiechic]

Well, I’ve liked sex since I hit puberty. I would get this feeling deep inside that wouldn’t go away and I couldn’t sleep. I figured out how to masturbate on my own. When I was like 12, I couldn’t help myself - I had sex with another kid from the neighborhood - cousin’s friend - but then he told everyone and I got called names by everyone in the neighborhood. I didn’t have sex again until I was in college. Then I figured, what the hell and had a fling until I moved states (learned a lot in that fling). Then I got married and had a good normal sex life with hubby. Got divorced. And had a series of flings and 1 night stands - tried to fulfill fantasies but no one ever measured up to the fantasies. So I figured I’d start satisfying myself since I couldn’t find guys to measure up to the fantasies. I used to think about sex so much I developed the ability to orgasm with thought alone. I haven’t had sex or a relationship for a few years now. It was easier than trying to be intimate with someone. My sex drive has diminished the last couple years - it used to be too much!! Now it’s whatever. I like bondage and hope my next partner can fulfill my fantasies now that I know more about what I like myself. As far as porn - used to turn me on more than it does now - I find my own fantasies are much better than someone else’s.

 

[Mary Anne]

I am a sex addict. I could do all forms of “it” all day, with just about anyone. Of course, it’s more comforting emotionally with a special someone and a long term relationship, but then it gets very boring. I have a high drive, and most cannot keep up with me, hence the former lovers of more then half my age. The long term mature relationships are with men my own age bracket, but the 20-something younger men had the stamina. Even then there were lots of drugs. There were also explorations into all other kinds with all sexes (even trans), and fetishes. “Vanilla” is very boring compared to the “other” activities, but I miss it too.

It’s best I abstain from all of it at this point in life. I keep the “beast” under control by complete abstination. It’s very difficult. But I am successful. Truly, it’s all like a snort of cocaine, or a shot of heroin. Just cannot go there, not even once. I stay focused on work, my health, and doing activities that are therapeutically safe, and good for me.

 

[Shiznown]

I am a sex addict. I could do all forms of “it” all day, with just about anyone. Of course, it’s more comforting emotionally with a special someone and a long term relationship, but then it gets very boring. I have a high drive, and most cannot keep up with me, hence the former lovers of more then half my age. The long term mature relationships are with men my own age bracket, but the 20-something younger men had the stamina. Even then there were lots of drugs. There were also explorations into all other kinds with all sexes (even trans), and fetishes. “Vanilla” is very boring compared to the “other” activities, but I miss it too.

It’s best I abstain from all of it at this point in life. I keep the “beast” under control by complete abstination. It’s very difficult. But I am successful. Truly, it’s all like a snort of cocaine, or a shot of heroin. Just cannot go there, not even once. I stay focused on work, my health, and doing activities that are therapeutically safe, and good for me.

Butthead: You said DO IT. Uh hah ha.

 

[Nathan86]

Hey friends,

I've been in a relationship with an Aspie girl for about 3 months and I'm NT. Now we get along really well but we do have a few issues, She has two jobs and does over time when she's offered which is pretty much all the time, so she does about 70 hours a week. Now on to the other other issue in the relationship is the sex, we haven't had full on sex but we tend to dry hump and kiss and on a few occasions we have masterbated each other. The thing is, she is extremely turned on by me but she will keep stopping at the point where she feels she about to loose control and have sex, she is a virgin at the age of 31 by the way, which is definitly not a problem with me. It's just she says she feels dirty and feels like a slut after we've done stuff together and now she is saying she doesn't reckon she'll be able to have sex now.

 

[Mary Anne]

Hey friends,

I've been in a relationship with an Aspie girl for about 3 months and I'm NT. Now we get along really well but we do have a few issues, She has two jobs and does over time when she's offered which is pretty much all the time, so she does about 70 hours a week. Now on to the other other issue in the relationship is the sex, we haven't had full on sex but we tend to dry hump and kiss and on a few occasions we have masterbated each other. The thing is, she is extremely turned on by me but she will keep stopping at the point where she feels she about to loose control and have sex, she is a virgin at the age of 31 by the way, which is definitly not a problem with me. It's just she says she feels dirty and feels like a slut after we've done stuff together and now she is saying she doesn't reckon she'll be able to have sex now.

I cannot fathom staying in a relationship like that. It sounds completely doomed if you have need for physical comfort. You have normal needs by the way., and it’s not unreasonable to feel the way you do. I don’t think it has anything to do with her autism as much as some other psychological hindrances.

 

[billybeenhad]

Well, I’ve liked sex since I hit puberty. I would get this feeling deep inside that wouldn’t go away and I couldn’t sleep. I figured out how to masturbate on my own. When I was like 12, I couldn’t help myself - I had sex with another kid from the neighborhood - cousin’s friend - but then he told everyone and I got called names by everyone in the neighborhood. I didn’t have sex again until I was in college. Then I figured, what the hell and had a fling until I moved states (learned a lot in that fling). Then I got married and had a good normal sex life with hubby. Got divorced. And had a series of flings and 1 night stands - tried to fulfill fantasies but no one ever measured up to the fantasies. So I figured I’d start satisfying myself since I couldn’t find guys to measure up to the fantasies. I used to think about sex so much I developed the ability to orgasm with thought alone. I haven’t had sex or a relationship for a few years now. It was easier than trying to be intimate with someone. My sex drive has diminished the last couple years - it used to be too much!! Now it’s whatever. I like bondage and hope my next partner can fulfill my fantasies now that I know more about what I like myself. As far as porn - used to turn me on more than it does now - I find my own fantasies are much better than someone else’s.

I hope he does to but the chances of you telling him what they are slim to none.

 

[Mary Anne]

I hope he does to but the chances of you telling him what they are slim to none.

One CAN find people to fulfill their fantasies. It’s good to let them know early on in the relationship. Otherwise, there is deception, secrecy, and frustration. This can lead to failed relationships.

The forest preserves around my home are filled daily with married suburban men...married with normal lives, wives, and children. Only, I. The forest preserves, they are having sexual encounters with men. Or they go on loads of over night “business trips” and their wives never find out.

On back city streets, during rush hour, working men engage with prostitutes in their way to and from work. What stds they might be bringing home one will never know.

As a former professional sex worker, and S&M lifestyle participant, I could share quite a few stories of how people keep their lives in secrecy. Men who dress as women, role play as infants, slaves, or dogs on the end of a chain. Important people whose professional roles are as judges, politicians, doctors, priests, policeman, as well as normal suburban men and women.

For some, the secrecy is what is the turn on. For others, the secrecy is toxic, and eventually they are found out, and multi-decade marriages and cohesive families are broken. The damage is done.

I believe in honesty when it comes to relationships. Best to communicate early on.

 

[aspiechic]

I hope he does to but the chances of you telling him what they are slim to none.

?

 

[aspiechic]

I hope he does to but the chances of you telling him what they are slim to none.

I’m confused - are you going to explain me what’s going on?

 

[SomeRandomName]

Hi !

So first of all you shouldn't listen to any advice on the way you should or shouldn't have sex.
Your sexuality is yours and only yours and then eventually you can share it with your partner.
If you want to wait for a year and you feel good with it then it's the right choice for you. If the partner loves you he can wait for sure. I'd wait a year for my girl even if I know she wouldn't do the same for me.
Sex is supposed to be enjoyed. if there something you don't like don't do it.
If your partner is pressuring you, you can try to talk about it, he should understand that forcing someone to do something sexually is rape, if not, you need to break up and get away from that kind of person.
Your body, your rules. There is no negociating this.

After that being said.
I'm supected to be on the spectrum. my diagnosis starts at the end of september.
I've been in a relationship with my girl for a year and a half. she's got ADHD. Sex was an issue right from the start on both sides because of her sensory disorder and her history of abuse.
She's been thru lot of different kind of therapy and she's been making a lot of progress on herself.
But as she was making all that progress I found myself getting more and more unconfortable when she initiated sex with me. At some point she told me she felt rejected, that she felt like I didn't have any desire for her because it's never the right time when she tries to initiate sex. She also told me that I rarely initiate it. Back then I didn't suspect that I could be autistic and I still don't really now but it would make sense if I was.
So I have trouble initiating sex and it seems that I don't feel like it as much as an a non autistic person.
I like sex but I don't care about sex. And then there the my education and all getting in the way... so it's a real mess for me right now. But I'm sure it will get better.
Because once we are started then it's the best. We both enjoy it a lot. To me it's very important that If I have an orgasm then she should have one too. And it's ok for me not to have mine if she has hers before mine. It's not because I'm a man that I'm entitled to more orgasm than a girl. My girl told me only 75% of women in heterosexual relationships have orgasm for 95% of men... and about 95% in homosexual relationships.
We talk a lot about it trying to understand eachother better everytime trying to discover what makes the other person feel good or unconfortable. It's a bit weird for me, It made me realise how much being autistic can be tough sometimes with communication....

So sex is good but it's not as easy as NT sex I guess... you need a partner who cares and makes you feel good about yourself whether your partner is NT or autistic or whatever. Sex will be one of the great things of life if you find the right person. And if someone is not good at it it's still something you can easily learn and improve.

Take care !

 

[Nathan86]

Hi !

So first of all you shouldn't listen to any advice on the way you should or shouldn't have sex.
Your sexuality is yours and only yours and then eventually you can share it with your partner.
If you want to wait for a year and you feel good with it then it's the right choice for you. If the partner loves you he can wait for sure. I'd wait a year for my girl even if I know she wouldn't do the same for me.
Sex is supposed to be enjoyed. if there something you don't like don't do it.
If your partner is pressuring you, you can try to talk about it, he should understand that forcing someone to do something sexually is rape, if not, you need to break up and get away from that kind of person.
Your body, your rules. There is no negociating this.

After that being said.
I'm supected to be on the spectrum. my diagnosis starts at the end of september.
I've been in a relationship with my girl for a year and a half. she's got ADHD. Sex was an issue right from the start on both sides because of her sensory disorder and her history of abuse.
She's been thru lot of different kind of therapy and she's been making a lot of progress on herself.
But as she was making all that progress I found myself getting more and more unconfortable when she initiated sex with me. At some point she told me she felt rejected, that she felt like I didn't have any desire for her because it's never the right time when she tries to initiate sex. She also told me that I rarely initiate it. Back then I didn't suspect that I could be autistic and I still don't really now but it would make sense if I was.
So I have trouble initiating sex and it seems that I don't feel like it as much as an a non autistic person.
I like sex but I don't care about sex. And then there the my education and all getting in the way... so it's a real mess for me right now. But I'm sure it will get better.
Because once we are started then it's the best. We both enjoy it a lot. To me it's very important that If I have an orgasm then she should have one too. And it's ok for me not to have mine if she has hers before mine. It's not because I'm a man that I'm entitled to more orgasm than a girl. My girl told me only 75% of women in heterosexual relationships have orgasm for 95% of men... and about 95% in homosexual relationships.
We talk a lot about it trying to understand eachother better everytime trying to discover what makes the other person feel good or unconfortable. It's a bit weird for me, It made me realise how much being autistic can be tough sometimes with communication....

So sex is good but it's not as easy as NT sex I guess... you need a partner who cares and makes you feel good about yourself whether your partner is NT or autistic or whatever. Sex will be one of the great things of life if you find the right person. And if someone is not good at it it's still something you can easily learn and improve.

Take care !

It's good to hear your point of view. The thing I find a bit hard was my girlfriend will intiate sex, well dry humping at the moment but as she gets more excited and turned on she will stop and say it's to soon which is fair enough, but then she'll say she feel like a slut and etc, etc...
she does say she doesn't like to not be in control which has got in the way of a few things like meeting her mum and family. The things I guess as NT folks find a bit easier. I just worry that the longer she'll leave things the harder it will be for her, obviously I don't want to pressure her to much but sometimes I feel like it kind of feels like we're not progessing. By the way I've been with her for just over 3 months now.

 

[SomeRandomName]

It's good to hear your point of view. The thing I find a bit hard was my girlfriend will intiate sex, well dry humping at the moment but as she gets more excited and turned on she will stop and say it's to soon which is fair enough, but then she'll say she feel like a slut and etc, etc...
she does say she doesn't like to not be in control which has got in the way of a few things like meeting her mum and family. The things I guess as NT folks find a bit easier. I just worry that the longer she'll leave things the harder it will be for her, obviously I don't want to pressure her to much but sometimes I feel like it kind of feels like we're not progessing. By the way I've been with her for just over 3 months now.

I don't know if the longer she'll wait the harder it will be. Maybe she needs time to set her mind so that it can be ready for a change. Then when her mind is at peace maybe she will be ready to work arround it.
It takes a huge amount of energy and time to make any change in life or mind..
If she has two jobs and work 70hours a week she doesn't have much space and time to think about it.
I think she needs to be told or shown that it's ok. The normal way to have sex is the way she wants to. there's a lot of ressources on the internet, probably some youtube positive sex channels you can share with her or something so that she could feel like it's ok.
I share a bit of her feeling, loosing control of myself kind of like the animal part of me is taking over but it's ok this animal part is still me I can still feel hear talk and all even if there's some kind of delay because I'm busy being aroused a lot but it's actually a good thing I think.
Also sex is a strange thing and a private thing for most of us. It's a secret side of us we can't show to anyone but our partners it sure feels like a second side of me. Maybe it feels like there is a gap between her "everyday self" and "sex self" and this gap is too big it doesn't feel reasonable to have this behaviour. Maybe she think that people are not this way and she has a wrong behaviour compared to other people ?

Ok I need to stop writing here because I'm no therapist and I'm just making assumptions and I don't wan't to be rude or whatever...
Also she's a women and as men we can't possibly grasp how she really feels... so there's is no way we can tell her how she should work arround it. She need to figure it out for herself.

 

[Nathan86]

I don't know if the longer she'll wait the harder it will be. Maybe she needs time to set her mind so that it can be ready for a change. Then when her mind is at peace maybe she will be ready to work arround it.
It takes a huge amount of energy and time to make any change in life or mind..
If she has two jobs and work 70hours a week she doesn't have much space and time to think about it.
I think she needs to be told or shown that it's ok. The normal way to have sex is the way she wants to. there's a lot of ressources on the internet, probably some youtube positive sex channels you can share with her or something so that she could feel like it's ok.
I share a bit of her feeling, loosing control of myself kind of like the animal part of me is taking over but it's ok this animal part is still me I can still feel hear talk and all even if there's some kind of delay because I'm busy being aroused a lot but it's actually a good thing I think.
Also sex is a strange thing and a private thing for most of us. It's a secret side of us we can't show to anyone but our partners it sure feels like a second side of me. Maybe it feels like there is a gap between her "everyday self" and "sex self" and this gap is too big it doesn't feel reasonable to have this behaviour. Maybe she think that people are not this way and she has a wrong behaviour compared to other people ?

Ok I need to stop writing here because I'm no therapist and I'm just making assumptions and I don't wan't to be rude or whatever...

No, not at all. That's very insightful, especially when you mentioned that animal instinct. I sometimes feel she's fighting that and i can only imagine that must make even harder for her. We always have a talk about our situations, so hopefully maybe one day she may be willing to move on.