Knowing my feelings

[Alexis C]

I met this guy in a uni group on fb and he has a crush on me. We are in the same class but never spoke to each other. He is really upfront and honest about his feelings and find any chance he can to flirt with me, which scares me a little cuz I have never met someone this interested in me, or care for me. I suggested we should meet each other first, because I thought that should clear things up a little. I don't remember the details but he never answered my questions when I asked.

The flirtation started to get annoying and all I know how to respond is "good to know", "yea", and "I know".

I don't know if I'm attracted to him, his look makes no appeal to me, yet whenever we aren't texting, I would constantly checking my phone to see if he replies or texts me. I am touched by his confession because no one ever said those things to me before. When I'm in class, I would try to find where he is seating...

He asked me plenty of times if I like him. At first I told him my feelings towards him isn't clear and I needed more time to figure that out. He was so eager to know my answer that he kept asking. He also said if my feelings is still unclear, I should say no. Based on the "missing him" part, I thought like him so I said yes.

idk why I just can't flirt back. people said this is sth automatic and natural but I never understand the concept of it. Anyway, he continue flirting with me with really cheesy lines, I felt indifferent because I just don't like respond the same kind of stuff to him, it almost feel a little disgusting.

He noticed Im cold and indifferent about his flirtings so he asked multiple times again if I really like him. Every time he asks, I struggled whether I should say yes or no, because the answer seems like it is somewhere in between. But I said yes anyway. I told him I have problems with flirting and never really know what to do. But knowing I had relationships in the past and had no trouble flirting with my ex, he got really mad and said I lied to him every time he asked. I didn't wanna admit it but I did anyway because I am strongly convinced that I did. I apologized as many times as I could. I asked if we can be friends and he said no because he likes very much and that I hurt him. He made it very clear that he can't be friends with me.

until now, I still don't know if I like him or not. I don't know if this is just me being lonely and creates an illusion of affection. Or this is a slowly developing feeling that I haven't experienced before. he doesn't wanna be friends so we aren't even talking anymore.

have anyone experience the same before? Or anyone can tell me what I'm feeling right now? I want to know what this is so I can tell him how I feel, for real this time.

 

[Alexis C]

He knows I am diagnosed with asperger and he was still willing to be with me. But I don't think he knows what it means to be with a person with asperger.

 

[Daniel]

I think I can relate to this... I recently had someone who was into me, but I wasn't in any emotional shape to be with anyone (my marriage had just ended, and I felt terrible about myself), and I really, really didn't know how to respond to her flirting.

But when I shut it down (I basically said I was emotionally unavailable), she stopped the flirting entirely. And I found myself missing it.

I didn't feel like we had anything in common, and I didn't really see us as a couple, but I liked the attention. It was a nice ego stroke.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Goodness, he was a hyper little puppy...

No, never been there. I'm guessing it was nice to have all the attention, kind of like with Daniel.

 

[Judge]

He knows I am diagnosed with asperger and he was still willing to be with me. But I don't think he knows what it means to be with a person with asperger.

Might be worth exploring that....but as friends first. Give both of yourselves a little wiggle-room rather than jump into anything.

 

[Randomperson]

Hello Alexis, what you describe reminds me very distinctly of something, note this may not be 100% accurate, but there is a reason it reminds me of it.

First, he is exceptionally clingy, hence the constant pestering. If you are okay with that, no problem.
Second, he is accusing you of things already, that will very much only get worse, that is very much a condition of NT minded people, heck any people with narrow points of view.

I may not have any experience with romance, and very limited with friends, but this guy screams clingy and manipulative from your description. So just keep that in mind when dealing with him, he seems like the kind of person who is looking to prey on you as an "easy" target, been there, did not enjoy that.

 

[Militantbuddhist]

I think I know where you are. I was interested in this girl, and the moment she actually starts to take a interest in me, I had the same feelings you are describing. I told her we had to take things one day at a time, she agreed to that, and we were together for over 4 years. In my experience I don't just develop feelings for people like: BOOM - you're in love. For me it takes time.
Perhaps you could tell him that IF you're to be together, things need to go at a pace where you can keep up.

 

[May Black]

I am with Randomperson on this, the way you're describing the guy, he seems rather clingy. You cannot flirt people into liking you, you need to give them space, and it doesn't seem to me he's respecting your personal space very much. Maybe it's good you guys aren't talking for a while, it will give you a chance to realize if you really miss him, or just the attention, and if you decide you do, the rules of the relationship should not be his only. If he likes you as he claims, he should be willing to get to know you on your conditions.

 

[icesyckel]

Random and May make good points, but so did Mil-Bud (who got 4 years out of such a situation).

Bottom line: nobody's perfect, and love is more than just an emotion. It is as much a commitment as it is anything, and you can't make good commitments without knowledge. My biggest concern is that you said there were questions he didn't answer. I'd encourage you to date him long enough to get answers, investigate the possibilities, and get to know him. Once you're armed with all the information you can get, then making decisions will be easier about whether this guy is someone you want to have a commitment with or whether you want to move on.

 

[Cerulean]

The flirtation started to get annoying and all I know how to respond is "good to know", "yea", and "I know".

I don't know if I'm attracted to him, his look makes no appeal to me, yet whenever we aren't texting, I would constantly checking my phone to see if he replies or texts me. I am touched by his confession because no one ever said those things to me before. When I'm in class, I would try to find where he is seating...

He asked me plenty of times if I like him. At first I told him my feelings towards him isn't clear and I needed more time to figure that out. He was so eager to know my answer that he kept asking. He also said if my feelings is still unclear, I should say no. Based on the "missing him" part, I thought like him so I said yes.

have anyone experience the same before? Or anyone can tell me what I'm feeling right now? I want to know what this is so I can tell him how I feel, for real this time.

When I would flirt with people I didn't necessarily find super attractive or didn't have much to say to them, it was because I liked the attention. It was nice to feel wanted and valued. Not saying that's what you're doing but I know I personally had that tendency for awhile. Although I'd say if you're already running out of responses and the flirting is annoying then it doesn't sound like you like them in a romantic way.

 

[icesyckel]

What is a "uni group" btw?

 

[Harrison]

What is a "uni group" btw?

University group

 

[icesyckel]

Thanks - I thought as much, but why think when you can know, right?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Personally, I would just avoid this guy. He doesn't want to be just friends? I would say, okay, no friendship, but that doesn't make you my boyfriend.
He sounds like a pain in the neck, and considering how little he cares for your actual feelings, and how little respect he has for you, it seems quite possible he could develop into a greater jerk later on.

I have the impression that you don't really like him as an individual, so much as you are just flattered by the attention.

 

[icesyckel]

Well, one gal's pain in the neck is another gal's Rhett Butler...

 

[Alexis C]

First of all, thank you for the advice and opinions. Now I understand what I am feeling and what I should do with him.

You guys are right. He is super clingy and sensitive. To be honest, I have never thought I would met someone who is even more sensitive than me (given my condition).

It would be a disaster if I ever be with him.

I really really want us to be friends but he made it prrfectly clear that he can't be cuz he likes me too much (?).

It's the third week of school and I still haven't been able to make much friends... he might not be bf material but I think he can be a good friend so I would love to hold onto everyone that I get along with. What should I do?

 

[Daniel]

You may want him to be your friend, but to him, you're the girl he went crazy over who rejected him. I've been that guy, and believe me--it's insanity!

Let him go. Any energy you spend trying to befriend him is energy you could have spent with the friends you have or meeting new friends.

 

[paloftoon]

I would recommend not to close the door if he hasn't hurt you, but he has to earn your respect. Sounds like that might take time. Just because someone is too eager doesn't mean they are bad people or not worth working with. I bet many of us have been on either side, whether we realize it or not. . .

 

[icesyckel]

Really, you need to make this your own decision. Advice is good, but some people posting aren't so much trying to help you analyze the situation as they are drawing the ultimate conclusions for you (not calling anyone out here). It's your life, and you know a million things about this situation that we still don't. Dumping him might be the right answer, but nobody's perfect, and it's hard to find someone this devoted, which is a little bit much but also kind of flattering for you. If you consider all the angles and elements and still want to dump him, then he'll get over it. However, I doubt he will be a viable friend. You have to decide what is right for you - not us.

 

[Vanilla]

If he's advised you that he can't be friends with you, because he likes you too much, then you need to respect those wishes. This is probably quite hard for him. If you two were friends, it would be a constant reminder that he could not have you, and that's just torturous, and unhealthy. I would simply respect his wishes, and try striking up a conversation with someone else.