OK finally i can now talk without it being a reply or a quote
So i guess i will try to cut between behaviors or let you guys interpret it with real life examples feel free to judge! im need criticism to become a better person although i don't do any of this behaviors with the intent of hurting anyone
So i guess i start with the first
I kinda always been afraid or anxious of people whose gender matches extremes, and i mean gender in a more terfy way, ie a guy who is overly masculine or a guy who is very "fruity" and the opposite too. So naturally i passively look at people who match that description and maybe look for too long, although this isn't me actively looking for people who match the stereotype
Then there are the colorful people, but i guess everyone does the same its just that i stare for longer than its conventionally acceptable, sometimes i do it actively analyzing all the details from "if he or she" is attractive, if they look ridiculous, what music genre's would they like, if we could be friends and all weird stuff, when i say colorful people i mean people that would make your culturally conservative, as in a non political one, parent would "complain" about looks or a general "stance", ie body modifications that are apparent, hair paiting in more bright unnatural colors, subculture people, and the list goes on and on. Sometimes i like to make jokes to my friend, which unlike me he is very culturally liberal which means he often gets bugged about me making immature jokes about said people. Although guess he now doesn't mind as much either because he got used to it or because im a negative influence on him.
Now onto voyeurism: sometimes i do it passively stare for too long at people doing the most menial of things, from working, to even not doing anything at all, i just can't stop staring for longer than 2 sec's which may not seem much but irl I've gotten some "reminder's" that what im doing is weird or they don't appreciate it.
Sometimes this voyeurism is more active: i climb to a more hidden place high place and enjoy seeing people walk, talk, doing their life without them noticing me or even being aware of my presence. Other times this takes a more stalky behavior, this one time i found this bland looking guy interesting and started making a myriad of extrapolations from what his personality would look like, etc... and i did this to a degree that he noticed it and became very weirded out about it so he made a face like me and i just naturally cried laughting because it made me remember on how ridiculous i must look in third person
-cringe incoming i guess, specially if you are a female-
Next one since im weird and my interests are very predominantly male oriented i don't get to meet a lot of female friends so as usual a creep ought to creep so sometimes when i see a attractive or just weird looking female i tend to just Analise her and extrapolate her tastes, and although the one that i kinda am more ashamed of saying: if she is dating or not, its not because i want to become her boyfriend or whatever, i never understood why, but i guess it has a more misogynistic/loser root to it because "a pretty girl can't be single" which rationally i know its false but i can't stop but feel like it specially because i haven't met many female's (well at least one's that get along really well with). Now i guess this next one is normal, if a girl is kinda cute imo and she's weird interested i naturally take a very special interest and this time it becomes even more creepy/weird since weird (cute) girls(that have unconventional interests, even more if they seem to have the same interests as me) are a unicorn.
But i guess these are just behaviors of a lonely guy except the first i guess the first is just a mixture of me being a bit misogynistic and kinda having had few good friendships/relationships with girls
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OK maybe im talking too much about my real life but here's the one most people just feel repulsed to or become preoccupied with me
I really like to go to lonely places. Its difficult to describe but i tend to seek out places that my mind deems "lonely" or "safe" and to achieve that the place has to be as hard to get to as possible. this results in me trespassing or down right "risking my life" to get a few hours alone ruminating on my head.
A placed is ranked in my mind and every place as a certain ranking. but theres multiple values that make a "place" a good "place"
those are:
Visibility from others, if i can be completely naked without any concern the place is excellent
Visibility to others, if i can see what people are doing or if it has a dynamic picture the place is great,(this includes for example a freeway or a view to a more populated street) this naturally implies that the place is on a hill.
Space, if a place is claustrophobic, ie the smaller and darker the place the more comfortable it is
Dimensional Space, if a place has space for my stuff and i can move around to other places (so a balance is made between the above, which results in a perfect place being normally very tight but long-wise)
structural complexity, the more extreme this is the better so either a very simple I shaped room or space, or a very complex building(although i don't remember finding any place like this)
Physical accessibility, the closer it is from my house or from my points of interests, the better, the harder it is for others to get to the better, although this balances with the easier it is to get to for me the better
Legal accessibility, if others are afraid of getting to the place because it seems shady or is private property or dangerous to get, the better, this is the biggest factor and my favorite place is due to this factor right here
Comfort, the place ought to be humid not windy and very dark, a cool but nice temperature is a bonus
Electricity, this one is impossible and i have only found one place, it has an electrical outlet ready to use
Wifi, this place has a private wifi (that i can break into, relax NSA, never done it)
examples of my place's, (i hope i never become popular or people try to find this places because if i found anyone specially on places where i deem alone i would be put in a very stressful situation, but that ain't happening so here we go)
my favourite place- includes a small trench that exists between public property and private property, the only way to get in there would be trepassing private property by passing barbed wire or walking about a km after jumping a gate, and although its "private" i think its state owned but i think they are planning to sell it the other way to get it (the way i most enjoy) is going up a dead end road passing through narowly throught where a fence ends, beware if you trip up theres a 15 meter drop behind you and you have about 10 cm's to put your feet in(but its an easy passing) then you have to walk beside the freeway(the part where i most hate because people get to see the crazy weirdo walking in the freeway) after about 15 meters i normally jump to the grass again and proceed to climb a very narrow hill which has a steretipical "fantasy book entry" theres about two rocks there where i like to sit, and my stuff, yes theres a box with weird stuff there which is where i store some things my mom would never allow to bring home in fact if she saw that. she would ask my psiquiatrist to double the medication dose
this is the best place because its the only one where i deem worthy enought, i can be 100% naked that nobody would see me, i have an incredible view of the freeway and the adjacent places and i can finally "be myself" in my most crude, ugly way, i only showed this place to a friend of mine and i kinda regret a bit but it was such a cool place that i felt both proud and excited to show it. althought people who go on the freeway's most likely find it weird so...yeah... I've noticed some changes in the place as im very paranoid of having people be there, but i've concluded rain and bird's must've been the likely culprit's although some radical changes make me feel a bit more unconfortable the only reason i haven't moved out of that place is because i haven't found a better one, because its very steep making the only people that i know come there a unlikely occurence and because moving all the stuff i have there would be somewhat hard. im planning to build a little rock "house" along with digging a possible tunnel? so i can hide and sleep there
my second favourite place is next to this one and its an industrial alleyway where theres an emergency exit, it provides shelter from rain, its dark the place is very well composed visually and recently i discovered the door is broken and i peaked inside the building and it seems very very cool, although i prefer the emergency exit because its very small and cozy, i normally use it when i go eating out alone since it doesnt require any fisical effort for me to get in, its not my favourite place specifically because a lot of people go there(sometimes i see a person and thats already a big no no) one time was funny cause i was eating my meal and a guy showed up with ciggaretes and since i don't make any noise since i was sitted down he just had a jumpscare seeing me there
these are two of my favourite places in the next reply/quote i will post what disqualifies a place