Is there still a chance for us?

[Saki]

Hey guys! This is my first post here.
My aspie ex broke up with me late Jan early Feb of this year bc he isn't in a good place rn and can't commit to anything, not bc he doesn't have feelings for me anymore. We were together a little less than 2 months, but only a week or two before the breakup he was super excited to meet my parents and go on our first date. He is super timid and shy and so even if he still has something for me, he won't come out and say it. I've always been the one having to initiate things between us. When we broke up, I didn't fight for it, for him, asking for a break or something. I just let it go and I regret that. We've texted a few times since the breakup, me always being the one to initiate, which is fine, and he's been super responsive and attentive to the convo. He'll respond almost right away and doesn't leave me on read or give one-word answers. He also told me I wasn't annoying him by texting him, as I asked him at one point bc it just seemed that way. I'm thinking about texting him in the upcoming week about the breakup, but don't know what to ask because I don't want him back rn, as we're both not in a good place and I want to respect his reasoning for the breakup, but also he's one of the most amazing, smart, funny, cute and just incredible men I've ever met. If I had one of the machines where I could create my dream guy, he would be the one to pop out. I want to ask something about our future, but ik that's a super bold thing to do, and also super weird. I'm also scared by me doing this I'll ruin the friendship we have and he'll end up resenting me, as it may come across creepy? Idk I think I'm overthinking a lot of this. I'm wondering if there is a chance of us getting back together somehow, or just me communicating how I want to help him get through his issues. Ik aspies and people on the spectrum need space, and I'm willing to give that to him he just never asked for it. I'm not sure if this all made sense, as I can't even really formulate it out all in my head. I guess I kinda just want him to know that no matter how lost he is, I'll still fight for him. Thanks!

Update: So I ended up messaging him last night and turns out he doesn't have feelings for me anymore; that he lost them a few weeks before he broke up with me but wanted to make sure it wasn't the distance that was making him feel that way. He said he still wants to remain friends but is "obviously keeping distance" which didn't make much sense to me but it's whatever. I just want to thank everyone again for their help! I'm really glad I messaged him about it; I'm 100% ok I couldn't stop smiling after I found out. I guess it's because I now know I can move on without thinking "what if," you know? Thank again!

 

[SusanLR]

That's what they want to hear. That you're there to help him and fight for him no matter
how lost in space their minds get.
Trouble is they soon start thinking and the feel good from hearing it wears off.
Then the doubts start creeping back and can easily turn into feelings of why bother? It won't work.
Their confidence needs a lot of stroking.

 

[Alexej]

Welcome to the Forums

To me it sounds like there is still hope.

 

[Saki]

That's what they want to hear. That you're there to help him and fight for him no matter
how lost in space their minds get.
Trouble is they soon start thinking and the feel good from hearing it wears off.
Then the doubts start creeping back and can easily turn into feelings of why bother? It won't work.
Their confidence needs a lot of stroking.

He has really low confidence, yes. By me saying I want him to know I'll fight for him, I mean the relationship. I didn't want it to go so easily without me proposing a break or smth of the like. By me being there for him, I'm not going to stroke his ego, but literally just be there for him if he needs someone to lean on, that's what significant others are there for.

 

[Saki]

Welcome to the Forums

To me it sounds like there is still hope.

You really think so? Why?

 

[Alexej]

We've texted a few times since the breakup, me always being the one to initiate, which is fine, and he's been super responsive and attentive to the convo. He'll respond almost right away and doesn't leave me on read or give one-word answers. He also told me I wasn't annoying him by texting him, as I asked him at one point bc it just seemed that way.

If he was not interested he would not have responded so promptly

 

[Saki]

If he was not interested he would not have responded so promptly

That's true. He completely severed ties with his first ex from what I understand, he never spoke much about her/ their relationship. I just am scared he's gonna think I'm clingy and I don't know how to approach the subject, as it is going to have to be over text bc of Covid-19 (we're not going back to campus) and we don't live in the same state.

 

[Alexej]

That's true. He completely severed ties with his first ex from what I understand, he never spoke much about her/ their relationship.

his ex is probably further back in history so her being out of the picture for him makes sense to me.

I just am scared he's gonna think I'm clingy and I don't know how to approach the subject, as it is going to have to be over text

However, you do it will be better than not getting back to him. Do what you feel/think is right

 

[Saki]

his ex is probably further back in history so her being out of the picture for him makes sense to me.


However, you do it will be better than not getting back to him. Do what you feel/think is right

He broke up with his ex a little over a year ago I think. I get what you're saying. I'm going to have to plan out how to approach things without scaring him off.

 

[Darwin]

I agree that you should approach him. I just want to say that it’s amazing that you are willing to help him and stick with him no matter what, and that you still care not to hurt his self-confidence and ego.
Hope you two get back together!

(You should consider that COVID-19 might be the reason why he broke up with you. Just make sure you tell him that there is not going to be any contact except via text for as long as it takes them to control the outbreak or develop vaccines or medications for it. Many autistic people are frightened of germs, diseases and insects.)
Good luck!

 

[Saki]

I agree that you should approach him. I just want to say that it’s amazing that you are willing to help him and stick with him no matter what, and that you still care not to hurt his self-confidence and ego.
Hope you two get back together!

(You should consider that COVID-19 might be the reason why he broke up with you. Just make sure you tell him that there is not going to be any contact except via text for as long as it takes them to control the outbreak or develop vaccines or medications for it. Many autistic people are frightened of germs, diseases and insects.)
Good luck!

We broke up before covid was a serious issue. We don't live in the same state so it would need to be long distance. I just don't know how to approach him

 

[Darwin]

We broke up before covid was a serious issue. We don't live in the same state so it would need to be long distance. I just don't know how to approach him

It is a good chance that he is responsive when you initiate conversations with him. You surely know him better than I do, but I would start with asking what kind of problems he has, and make it clear that I would help.

 

[Saki]

It is a good chance that he is responsive when you initiate conversations with him. You surely know him better than I do, but I would start by asking what kind of problems he has, and make it clear that I would help.

My friends told me to just start out by either asking how he's dealing with the breakup, that i still have feelings for him, or both and then go on about how i wish i hadn't just let him go so easily and that i want to help him etc...

 

[Darwin]

My friends told me to just start out by either asking how he's dealing with the breakup, that i still have feelings for him, or both and then go on about how i wish i hadn't just let him go so easily and that i want to help him etc...

His friends should know him better. I hope this works.

I can relate to what he has done. If I were going through difficulties (financial or in general), I probably would have done the same.

Whatever you start with, I think you should later know more details about why exactly he broke up with you. It might have something to do with his shyness. Shy people are very kind, but they hide their feelings from almost everyone unless you gain their trust, which takes time. Showing that you respect him and that you are willing to help him (instead of leaving him because of his problems, which is maybe what he thought, and probably why he broke up) may help.

 

[Saki]

His friends should know him better. I hope this works.

I can relate to what he has done. If I were going through difficulties (financial or in general), I probably would have done the same.

Whatever you start with, I think you should later know more details about why exactly he broke up with you. It might have something to do with his shyness. Shy people are very kind, but they hide their feelings from almost everyone unless you gain their trust, which takes time. Showing that you respect him and that you are willing to help him (instead of leaving him because of his problems, which is maybe what he thought, and probably why he broke up) may help.

I completely get you. The one mutual friend we have gossips a lot so I can't go to him bc he's gonna end up telling my ex what I'm gonna do and I don't want that. He broke up with me bc he isn't in a good place and needs to work on himself, and that he was sorry for wasting my time. If he did feel like I was didn't like him anymore bc of his issues he never told me; he didn't tell me a lot bc he was too shy to say anything bc he was scared I would judge him. We didn't see each other in person a lot bc of timing (thanksgiving and winter break) and it was mostly text so that could also be why I'm not too sure. Either way, I'm just gonna tell him how I still have feelings for him, and that I wished I fought harder for him and that I still care and worry for him and want to be there for him, something like that. I'm just scared I'm gonna screw it up and lose him forever.

 

[Darwin]

I completely get you. The one mutual friend we have gossips a lot so I can't go to him bc he's gonna end up telling my ex what I'm gonna do and I don't want that. He broke up with me bc he isn't in a good place and needs to work on himself, and that he was sorry for wasting my time. If he did feel like I was didn't like him anymore bc of his issues he never told me; he didn't tell me a lot bc he was too shy to say anything bc he was scared I would judge him. We didn't see each other in person a lot bc of timing (thanksgiving and winter break) and it was mostly text so that could also be why I'm not too sure. Either way, I'm just gonna tell him how I still have feelings for him, and that I wished I fought harder for him and that I still care and worry for him and want to be there for him, something like that. I'm just scared I'm gonna screw it up and lose him forever.

It is either you tell him or just wait. Both could end badly because it will also feel bad if he dated another one (which I hope will not happen). But the only possibility it could end good is if you told him. Would be reasonable to first prepare for the worst and then approach him.

It could help if you started with asking about more details why he broke up before expressing your feelings. He looks sensitive to other people’s feelings. Isn’t he? If he won’t tell why, try telling him that you were worried if there was something wrong with you that made him end the relationship. That might make him sympathize with you and maybe tell you the truth. Ask if it was the because of the long distance.

The point is to make sure that he didn’t lie to you when he said it wasn’t because he didn’t have feelings for you before expressing your feelings, so you won’t seem clingy or be hurt.

 

[Darwin]

I admit I have some confidence issues myself and might do the same with my girlfriend if I had issues, but one has to consider all the other possibilities too.

But it really sounds like it is related to self confidence.

 

[Saki]

I admit I have some confidence issues myself and might do the same with my girlfriend if I had issues, but one has to consider all the other possibilities too.

But it really sounds like it is related to self confidence.

Yea he's told me straight out he has extremely low self confidence

 

[Saki]

It is either you tell him or just wait. Both could end badly because it will also feel bad if he dated another one (which I hope will not happen). But the only possibility it could end good is if you told him. Would be reasonable to first prepare for the worst and then approach him.

It could help if you started with asking about more details why he broke up before expressing your feelings. He looks sensitive to other people’s feelings. Isn’t he? If he won’t tell why, try telling him that you were worried if there was something wrong with you that made him end the relationship. That might make him sympathize with you and maybe tell you the truth. Ask if it was the because of the long distance.

The point is to make sure that he didn’t lie to you when he said it wasn’t because he didn’t have feelings for you before expressing your feelings, so you won’t seem clingy or be hurt.

I don't think he was lying to me bc a week before the breakup he was super excited to meet my parents and such. He told me it had nothing to do with me; that it was all him bc of where he is in life rn. I can also ask about the long-distance yes, good catch thank you. I have a rough draft of what I'm going to say but don't wanna type it out so here's the brief: me telling him i still have feelings for him and how i've been thinking about the breakup and how i regret not fighting for him, not the relationship but HIM. How i still care for him a lot and worry how he's doing. Me not wanting him back bc of the reason we broke up but also wondering if he still has feelings for me- i also added that idk how else to say everything without sounding slightly desperate lol. We're still friends so he'll get my humour.

 

[Darwin]

I don't think he was lying to me bc a week before the breakup he was super excited to meet my parents and such. He told me it had nothing to do with me; that it was all him bc of where he is in life rn. I can also ask about the long-distance yes, good catch thank you. I have a rough draft of what I'm going to say but don't wanna type it out so here's the brief: me telling him i still have feelings for him and how i've been thinking about the breakup and how i regret not fighting for him, not the relationship but HIM. How i still care for him a lot and worry how he's doing. Me not wanting him back bc of the reason we broke up but also wondering if he still has feelings for me- i also added that idk how else to say everything without sounding slightly desperate lol. We're still friends so he'll get my humour.

Maybe ask about the reason first. If you’re sure, then I wish you good luck. Hope he still loves you and will be honest with you!