asnlifecoach, I do understand what you're saying. My intended focus is that making a derogatory statement such as "You are (fill in the blank)" or "You (some kind of negative behavior aimed at intentionally hurting her)" about me is something I've gotten used to because it happens so frequently but I will answer it by saying that I don't feel that I'm a _____, that it's hurtful to be insulted or to be called (insert insulting name) and please don't do that. Her response is to accuse me of invalidating her feelings. Being cut down or called a nasty name is not a feeling. There is no "I feel" or "I think" used in her statements. For her to state that I have done or am doing something awful is a statement of fact. That is not a feeling, it's an accusation. I used to just stay silent and let those things go. Our counselor says I need to make my feelings known. Not good in my case. If I say that I'm not having an affair, for instance, I'm accused of gaslighting. Oh, she is convinced that I have been trying to make her think that she's crazy (her word) and undermine her confidence to make her subservient.
That is what I'm referring to, not some banal statement like "the house is messy". Duh, I have eyes...or "that color is _______, not tan. Okay, I didn't know the name of the color.
Do you understand more clearly now?
Cyanide, I stayed for years for our son. Now I'm pretty sure it's because I don't want to lose half of everything and I'm not sure that having no one is better than having someone who hurts me. I'm not really certain, I suppose. It's never been analyzed in any depth. Probably because I felt abandoned by my mother, which is true, but I don't know if that is the root.