"I understand you're autistic... [3 minutes later] ... now why are you ___."

[icesyckel]

I am this week, for the first time, finding that ignorance is not the only problem when it comes to autism. For a brief minute, I thought that the biggest problem NT's have with autistic people is that they do not understand us or what autism is.

Now I realize that, even among those few NT's who truly do understand (which is few), there are still expectations that we will act or think as an NT would. I don't know if they forget what they know about autism, forget we are autistic, or if they just don't care.

Don't get me wrong, being in the statistical minority, I get that it is incumbent upon me to either assimilate (to the majority) or accept the consequences of non-assimilation. Fine. However, with those who few who know I am different and express that they understand that I am different, it never ceases to shock me when they are surprised later to find that I am different.

Does anyone else observe this bizarre behavior? Someone acknowledges you're on the spectrum, expresses understanding about what that means, and then a few minutes later wants to know why you don't want to go out for dinner or engage in small talk or go on for 15 minutes about olive oil?

 

[wyverary]

I encounter the same thing with mental illness. However much people may "understand," for some reason, when it comes to emotional or neurological issues, in the end, some of these same people automatically revert back to expecting you behave and feel normally.

It's a phenomenon I don't completely understand, as I do see an increase in "awareness" (buzzword, I know; hang me )...I guess old cultural habits die hard.

 

[Ste11aeres]

"Going on for 15 minutes about olive oil" sounds much more like the behavior of a talkative Aspie, than that of an NT.
Other than that, yeah, I know what you mean.

 

[icesyckel]

It's a phenomenon I don't completely understand, as I do see an increase in "awareness" (buzzword, I know; hang me )...I guess old cultural habits die hard.

Maybe it is like momentum, in a way. So long as they are thinking about what they understand about autism, they can adjust their expectations. However, the second their focus is on something else, their social expectations being "habitual" (as you interestingly described it), they are back to expecting normal NT-thinking and social behaviors from you.

Unless someone has a different theory, you can lock the post if you like. I think I either have an answer or at least a sound hypothesis to test now.

 

[icesyckel]

"Going on for 15 minutes about olive oil" sounds much more like the behavior of a talkative Aspie, than that of an NT.
Other than that, yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah - I meant that they were 3 minutes later surprised about me going on for 15 minutes about olive oil. I see how the phrasing was confusing now.

 

[Nolan1971]

There are many non aspies who talk about things that bore me after 30 seconds so it is
not just an aspie issue. We simply don't always share the same passions

 

[Voltekka_MK3]

icesyckel In all honesty i am quite curious about what you know about Olive Oil. I may probably learn something I've never learned before. Could you maybe PM me if possible.

 

[Judge]

Does anyone else observe this bizarre behavior? Someone acknowledges you're on the spectrum, expresses understanding about what that means, and then a few minutes later wants to know why you don't want to go out for dinner or engage in small talk or go on for 15 minutes about olive oil?

Claiming to understand autism to some degree is no guarantee the person is either being truthful or correct regarding what they think they know.

Then one must consider that truthfully "understanding" autism on a limited, technical level doesn't necessarily translate into accepting or tolerating autistic traits and behaviors.

 

[icesyckel]

icesyckel In all honesty i am quite curious about what you know about Olive Oil. I may probably learn something I've never learned before. Could you maybe PM me if possible.

Done.

 

[icesyckel]

There are many non aspies who talk about things that bore me after 30 seconds so it is not just an aspie issue. We simply don't always share the same passions

I don't disagree with you on this, but if that is in response to my OP, then I think you missed my point. I wasn't really getting at NT's boring me or aspies boring NT's.

The point is that "normal" people who express an understanding of autism are somehow still surprised when autistic people say or do things they perceive to by atypical.

An analogy would be if I said I told you that I understood and accurately recited to you what a Mack truck doing 65MPH will do to a stationary human body upon impact but then nevertheless stood in front of one on the interstate. Presume for purposes of this analogy that I am neither suicidal nor interested in self-harm.

 

[Nolan1971]

I understand what you mean. I naturally have more patience and understanding to those
who have autism or other issues. So you would think someone who claims to understand would also

 

[Pyrola]

I think if people are comfortable with you, they tend to forget you are not just like them, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Also, a lot of the "awareness" being spread around today is still pretty narrow and stereotyped information, so though they may be aware to a certain extent about things like sensory issues and difficulties with relationships, they don't have an understanding of how that behavior actually manifests itself in a real live aspie and how differently it can appear from person to person.

 

[icesyckel]

I think if people are comfortable with you, they tend to forget you are not just like them, which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Hmmm. This is a very plausible second hypothesis to Wyv's and not necessarily mutually exclusive.

Also, a lot of the "awareness" being spread around today is still pretty narrow and stereotyped information, so though they may be aware to a certain extent about things like sensory issues and difficulties with relationships, they don't have an understanding of how that behavior actually manifests itself in a real live aspie and how differently it can appear from person to person.

While I agree with you on this point, the specific people I had in mind also do this and have a fairly comprehensive understanding of the subject (compared to most at least).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Before you found out that you had Aspergers, did you know anything about it? (And I mean as much as you know now.)

 

[icesyckel]

Before you found out that you had Aspergers, did you know anything about it? (And I mean as much as you know now.)

No - I knew very little about AS/ASD beforehand (otherwise I'd have known I had it sooner), though the people I know in real life of whom I was thinking of in my OP are quite versed in it.

 

[icesyckel]

Huh. In reading the posts, so far only Wyv could relate to this. Maybe this really isn't a common problem after all. I just assumed others were having this issue (ie., "I know you're an aspie but why do you never shut up about the things you're interested in or why do you have to make such a fuss and wince every time a child screams?).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Of course an NT may "understand" some things about Aspergers, but they've lived as an NT their whole life so how can it be expected of them to not go back to what they are used to?

It's like if you had a friend for years and you guys always went out to eat at all kinds of restaurants and drank all kinds of alcohol then one day you find out your friend is now diabetic and their whole diet has to change. It's going to be quite hard at first knowing what they can and can't eat and that they can't go out drinking alcohol anymore - it's a whole different lifestyle than how you knew your friend to be before. Should you be expected to know all about his diabetes all the time? No. You're going to make mistakes and if he's a good friend he shouldn't get mad at you - instead he should calmly explain so you might understand.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

No - I knew very little about AS/ASD beforehand (otherwise I'd have known I had it sooner), though the people I know in real life of whom I was thinking of in my OP are quite versed in it.

Then you also were one of the "ignorant" ones. No one (I have found out) wants to know all about any one "difference" (Aspergers, diabetes, multiple sclerosis) unless it concerns them somehow (family, friend, medical job) and even then it's hard to get someone to know everything there is to know about any one "difference".

 

[icesyckel]

Of course an NT may "understand" some things about Aspergers, but they've lived as an NT their whole life so how can it be expected of them to not go back to what they are used to?

It's like if you had a friend for years and you guys always went out to eat at all kinds of restaurants and drank all kinds of alcohol then one day you find out your friend is now diabetic and their whole diet has to change.

Well, again, it's the speed with which they forget. Literally, I had a conversation in which I was discussing ASD with someone after getting diagnosed, and during the conversation the person asked me why I was still discussing ASD after about 3 minutes of listening. I get being tired of listening to me drone on, but it was surprising that while we were talking about my ASD, this person forgot why I obsess over certain subjects.

This was an extreme example, but it happens a lot to me with the few people I've told. A lot being constantly. I have friends who got Dx'd with diabetes. I don't invite them out for ice cream within 3 minutes of discussing their diabetes.

 

[icesyckel]

Then you also were one of the "ignorant" ones. No one (I have found out) wants to know all about any one "difference" (Aspergers, diabetes, multiple sclerosis) unless it concerns them somehow (family, friend, medical job) and even then it's hard to get someone to know everything there is to know about any one "difference".

I've made it clear from the OP that we're not talking about "ignorant" NT's here. The person in my last post has read part of Attwood's book, for example. I make allowances for those who are ignorant about asperger's or about me having it - I expect them to treat me like any other NT.

People who know me have said be having AS/ASD "makes sense" based on existing knowledge, and then those same people will in short order forget and continue to treat me as if I am NT. Understand: this doesn't anger me so much as surprise me. I mean, we're in one case in the same conversation in which I told them.