"I understand you're autistic... [3 minutes later] ... now why are you ___."

[Grumpy Cat]

True I did and do make the effort to blend in, and most NT's do see that effort and ajudge me "normal," or, more accurately (since my efforts are imperfect), they see my as a quirky/odd NT (I've never been able to get all the way there with my efforts).

However, my issue is with those whom I have told, and I have largely only told those who knew me well enough to know the act was an act. These are the friends and family who always knew there was something different from me and should have learned not to expect "normal" from me even before they knew what specifically was different about me.

Actually, the 3 people I've told at work (just 3), who only knew the "normal act" I put on have done the best at remembering and accepting it. This is strange, since these are the ones were were "surprised" by my Dx. The ones with who I have the most problems are the ones to whom this came as little surprise.

Maybe these people think that now since there is a reason for your actions (an actual diagnosis) then maybe there's a chance for a "cure". Theres actually something found wrong with you so now fix it. You've already proven that you can act halfway like an NT, maybe if they try to "look the other way" and forget about your new diagnosis they can then hopefully change you to full NT status. If they accept the new diagnosis, then a "new you" follows too should you want to just act yourself and they will have to "learn" a new way of living with you. They may also be thinking you are using the new diagnosis as an excuse for your past behaviors.

I'm rambling.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'd love to hear the feedback of some NT method actors....or at least those who have successfully portrayed Aspies in film and television. Makes me think of Josh Hartnett, Radha Mitchell, Sheila Kelley and others in (Mozart and the Whale).

Mozart and the Whale (2005) - IMDb

Just to hear if and how the process was arduous for them. Where select NTs might truly understand what it takes to emulate a different neurology and how taxing it is on the heart, mind and body.

But ultimately they get paid more than we do for a similar "performance".

Have you watched "Adam" Judge? It's even more realistic.

 

[Judge]

I also suspect that many NTs are likely to assume that the higher functioning one might be, the greater likelihood that they can alter their Aspie behavior at will. I'd think emulating NT behavior has some serious drawbacks if "called out" on it.

Yet another reason why I'm not in a hurry to share this people who don't need to know. They have no concept of what I can and cannot neurologically accomplish. However this is a definite case where "looks" can be deceiving.

 

[Judge]

Have you watched "Adam" Judge? It's even more realistic.

Thanks Angie. It's the first I've heard of this film....reading about it right now. I like what I see about the story line....

Adam (2009 film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Thanks Angie. It's the first I've heard of this film....reading about it right now. I like what I see about the story line....

Adam (2009 film) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I've actually watched it several times. For some reason it relaxes me - i really like the people in it too. It has a very sad ending though. I cried.

 

[Judge]

It has a very sad ending though. I cried.

Yeah, I've lived that ending a few times myself.

 

[zurb]

My theory has to do with compartmentalization.
They discuss/acknowledge your aspieness, then close off that thought in their mind before moving onto the next topic. They press the eject key, and change the program/recording.
I think aspies tend to leave all the tapes running in their brain.

 

[Ylva]

Claiming to understand autism to some degree is no guarantee the person is either being truthful or correct regarding what they think they know.

Then one must consider that truthfully "understanding" autism on a limited, technical level doesn't necessarily translate into accepting or tolerating autistic traits and behaviors.

Often, people don't even know what "understanding" would be. Clearly they just feel like they have a lot of associations to a word, many of which are false or misleading (from Hollywood movies, for instance, or from the hate group known as A$), and they will assume that that means they understand it.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe these people think you want to be treated as an NT. Kind of like when someone has a disability they always say they don't want special treatment and want to be treated just like everyone else.

That doesn't mean you are allowed to forget they're in a wheelchair, or have the difficulties they have. It just means that's no excuse for anyone to patronise them.

Just when you think they "get you" you find them expecting you to act NT again (like you have been doing all along). If they are close to you, whenever they say something like that remind them again that it is a symptom of Aspergers. That would work for me anyway - repetition.

Throughout my childhood – literally until I moved out and had stayed away for three years – my parents would expect me to behave NT. Even though I never did. All the yelling, all the criticism, all the coercion – every single day, without it ever accomplishing their goals, unless their goals were to make me upset and stressed and at least somewhat suicidal.

I think you are wrong. I think NTs are programmed with behaviours they never rethink at all.

 

[Ylva]

Speaking of which, how is it "special treatment" to be given some basic respect? You don't call it special treatment when you don't try to get your diabetic friends to eat foods that can make them ill, even though you are eating the stuff yourself.

 

[apsie]

I think Wyverary was on the right track. And just about every other post added to it really.
Habits die hard.

Consider for a moment muscle memory.
You perform a certain action a certain number of times, after a while its an automatism.
You no longer have to consciously do the action, you just do it subconsciousy.
Your muscles do not "store" the information needed to perform said action, your brain does.
After a while, you need to perform a slightly different action because (...).
If you don't focus consciously on the correct way of doing the slightly different action, you will probably end up doing it the way you were before, because you are now used to it.

Now, consider people have been taught or conditioned (just by living they're lives they take on certain forms of thought) to think in certain ways - habits of thinking. (I'm sure there's better wording for it)
This way of thinking gets them trough everyday life, without having to always consciously think about what they are doing.
In a way, its the same as muscle memory.
If they do not constantly make an effort to actually think about things in a different way, they just end up following the same patern, doing what they've always been doing.

We know its extremely hard, in some cases seemingly impossible, to change how people think.
I think its part of the answer.

 

[May Black]

Often, people don't even know what "understanding" would be. Clearly they just feel like they have a lot of associations to a word, many of which are false or misleading (from Hollywood movies, for instance, or from the hate group known as A$), and they will assume that that means they understand it.

There is a huge difference between knowing and understanding, or being able to relate. Even when given all the necessary information, it might be so foreign to us that we are not able to relate, which at least for me is necessary if I am to understand something.

If I tell someone that they've been talking about olive oil for 15 minutes, it is more than likely a polite way of saying the topic is boring me to death and I'd appreciate we changed it. The why in the question is rhetorical.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Speaking of which, how is it "special treatment" to be given some basic respect? You don't call it special treatment when you don't try to get your diabetic friends to eat foods that can make them ill, even though you are eating the stuff yourself.

I give my diabetic patients special treatment - I bring them what they can eat and tell them what they can't eat. In fact, diabetic patients require a lot of special treatment in educating them about their new diet. If I had any diabetic friends and invited them over I would have to make special dishes for them to eat. "Respect" has nothing to do with it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

That doesn't mean you are allowed to forget they're in a wheelchair, or have the difficulties they have. It just means that's no excuse for anyone to patronise them.



Throughout my childhood – literally until I moved out and had stayed away for three years – my parents would expect me to behave NT. Even though I never did. All the yelling, all the criticism, all the coercion – every single day, without it ever accomplishing their goals, unless their goals were to make me upset and stressed and at least somewhat suicidal.

I think you are wrong. I think NTs are programmed with behaviours they never rethink at all.

Like I said, I was speaking for myself and not all NT's. Repetition works for me. It was only a suggestion.

 

[Judge]

Often, people don't even know what "understanding" would be. Clearly they just feel like they have a lot of associations to a word, many of which are false or misleading (from Hollywood movies, for instance, or from the hate group known as A$), and they will assume that that means they understand it.

Good point. Ironic to think that NTs "understanding" of autism could be interpreted as on some kind of spectrum of sorts...varying from clinical neurological accuracy to what they heard in a locker room.

 

[Zjezdzaj]

Every time I try to explain a behaviour to someone who’s NT they counter with “Oh, I’m like that sometimes too.”

To me that response is a clear indication that they don’t actually understand, but they may be trying to… they want to be forthcoming but instead end up patronizing a legitimate disorder by “normalising” the symptoms. As if they’re trying to mould AS into some form and fit it into a neat little box that they feel comfortable with. It feels as if they’re trying to turn me into a NT or maybe they’re trying to make me feel better by saying they feel the same way.
I’m fairly good at pretending to be human for a few hours (according to my co-workers) and it’s a good skill to have to keep my job but I think it has some serious consequences when people forget I’m autistic, because they sometimes think I’ll be capable of doing things I know for a fact I can’t do. I’m the kind of person who’s willing to try most things but some things I just know I can’t handle and I tell my colleagues that but they still try to make me do them in the name of experience and personal growth. That's not understanding. That's trying to change someone!

 

[Ylva]

I give my diabetic patients special treatment - I bring them what they can eat and tell them what they can't eat. In fact, diabetic patients require a lot of special treatment in educating them about their new diet. If I had any diabetic friends and invited them over I would have to make special dishes for them to eat. "Respect" has nothing to do with it.

In this case, special treatment is what I give to every single NT who demands a part of my time.

 

[Cyrano]

"Going on for 15 minutes about olive oil" sounds much more like the behavior of a talkative Aspie, than that of an NT.
Other than that, yeah, I know what you mean.

You have obviously never sat down with "foodies" who have hobbyhorses. I've seen these food snobs almost come to blows over what they think the best brand or maker of various oils, condiments (especially hot sauces), pizzas, who the best specialty butcher is, etc. They think that's normal. But let an Aspie get on HIS hobbyhorse, and you will watch eyes glaze over, just as anyone who is not a foodie becomes terminally bored in short order when THEY go on on ... and on .. and on about foods -- especially if the food in question is not food at all, but something food EATS!

 

[Ste11aeres]

Have you watched "Adam" Judge? It's even more realistic.

I had mixed feelings about that movie. I enjoyed it, but at the same time I thought that in 'Adam' it was as if they were trying to squeeze an example of every AS characteristic into one character in the short amount of time allotted by the movie, and in doing so, the whole thing ended up less realistic..

 

[gouldgrl]

I am this week, for the first time, finding that ignorance is not the only problem when it comes to autism. For a brief minute, I thought that the biggest problem NT's have with autistic people is that they do not understand us or what autism is.

Now I realize that, even among those few NT's who truly do understand (which is few), there are still expectations that we will act or think as an NT would. I don't know if they forget what they know about autism, forget we are autistic, or if they just don't care.

Don't get me wrong, being in the statistical minority, I get that it is incumbent upon me to either assimilate (to the majority) or accept the consequences of non-assimilation. Fine. However, with those who few who know I am different and express that they understand that I am different, it never ceases to shock me when they are surprised later to find that I am different.

Does anyone else observe this bizarre behavior? Someone acknowledges you're on the spectrum, expresses understanding about what that means, and then a few minutes later wants to know why you don't want to go out for dinner or engage in small talk or go on for 15 minutes about olive oil?

This is, I think, an astute observation, although I don't know how to account for it. (There is an exchange of dialogue in the movie "As Good As It Gets" where Jack Nicholson's character tells his psychotherapist, "How can you diagnose someone with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and then act like he has some control over it?") In my own experience of seeking services for people with developmental disabilities, the attitude seems to be, "Yes, you have a verifiable mental disability, but don't expect much in the way of assistance or accommodation." In other words, "Here's your diagnosis. Good luck with that!"