Rin
Member
Hello. I feel very frustrated and alone right now, and would like someone to listen to my concerns.
Some days ago, I took this autism test at the request of my boyfriend. I got a score of 39. I dismissed it, assuming it to be because of my introverted traits. He said even so, it's not normal to have a score that high and said "why do you think I suggested you take it?", implying he suspected it. I then took this aspie quiz and my neurodiverse score was 174/200. I also got a 15 on this test. Still, I tried to brush it off, thinking it was just a coincidence. I believe that is because I had the image of autistic to be very extreme, I did not fit the stereotype nor was I similar to any autistic people I knew, so I thought that surely it wasn't the case.
But, out of curiosity I began to read about it and quickly realized the image I had in my mind was not necessarily what it had to be like. I found that I fit most, or entire lists, of asperger's traits on multiple websites. I could brush off a few things, but when I was fitting the entire description on some sources? It began to concern me.
I put together a long list of traits I fit, but here are a few off the top of my head.
What at first I dismissed as not even a possibility, I am almost convinced of now. The more I read about it, the more is confirmed for me.
I would really like some peace of mind however, and am interested in seeking a professional diagnosis. But I am 21, an adult already and female so I know a lot of the traits are different in me than they would be in a male. I also am unemployed and I don't think my insurance would cover a diagnosis. But it would be very comforting to just know for sure, because if I had it it would explain a LOT of things. Things that I've been depressed about thinking that I was inferior or stupid for not getting or for being unusual in those ways. I think it would give me a lot of relief to have an explanation. A definite "yes" or "no" would help me greatly.
Is there anything I can do to go about this, how hard is it, how long does it take? I don't really know how to go about this on my own. I would also like the opinion of others here if you think that I do have it or not?
Looking back even to my childhood I can remember things that may have been because of this even as early as a toddler. One thing that I did was back in kindergarten, on my first day. Some days prior my teacher told me not to come in the school building until she came outside and let us in. Well my bus was late that day, but instead of going to the main office for help, I sat out there for hours until the first recess when she came out. I completely adhered to the rule I was told, and I think of a lot of things in a black-and-white way even nowadays. I did stuff like that my entire life, which lead to me being bullied, which didn't help either.
I just would like some feedback as I don't feel ready or able to talk about this with the few people I am close to in my life. I feel like they would brush me off, not take me seriously, or think I am a hypochondriac and that it is all in my head. I don't know how to go about getting a professional diagnosis and I don't have $2000 to do so. So, I just would like some input or suggestions from people here.
Thank you to anyone who bothered to read all that, whether or not you responded. Sorry for writing so much... I just have a lot on my mind.
Some days ago, I took this autism test at the request of my boyfriend. I got a score of 39. I dismissed it, assuming it to be because of my introverted traits. He said even so, it's not normal to have a score that high and said "why do you think I suggested you take it?", implying he suspected it. I then took this aspie quiz and my neurodiverse score was 174/200. I also got a 15 on this test. Still, I tried to brush it off, thinking it was just a coincidence. I believe that is because I had the image of autistic to be very extreme, I did not fit the stereotype nor was I similar to any autistic people I knew, so I thought that surely it wasn't the case.
But, out of curiosity I began to read about it and quickly realized the image I had in my mind was not necessarily what it had to be like. I found that I fit most, or entire lists, of asperger's traits on multiple websites. I could brush off a few things, but when I was fitting the entire description on some sources? It began to concern me.
I put together a long list of traits I fit, but here are a few off the top of my head.
- Echolalia. I will often hear or read phrases and repeat them, over and over, for months and even years at a time. I'll say them perhaps daily or sometimes several times a day in my interactions with other people. These are not normal quotes which particularly fit into the conversation, either. Not just that but when no one is around I will say some random phrases, just to myself, and I have been saying the same couple ones for some years now. They don't even mean anything to me, I just heard them once and feel an urge to repeat them without thinking.
- I have oddly specific obsessions. For example, extremely specific and obscure genres of music. Reptiles also - at a point all I did was read about ball pythons for hours every single day, for months.
- I don't understand social cues. I am told I often say cold/blunt/rude or impolite things. I am described as "a little too honest" and that I've always said "exactly what's on my mind". I am told I often talk about inappropriate topics, and in inappropriate company. But this is not my intention nor am I aware when I do it. However, even when these things are explained to me, I don't understand. I have had arguments with my friends about this. I say that I don't understand how what I said or did was wrong even when they spell it out for me. I feel like I don't get society's "rules" for interaction, and that I am never on the same wavelength as anyone. I often feel like I may as well be speaking another language. They then tell me there are no rules, it's just common sense.
- I get fixated on certain topics and don't stop obsessing over them. For example since I was a toddler I have always loved reptiles. I have always loved collecting information about them and can talk about them nonstop. I never get tired of it. Because of this I end up having a lot of one-sided conversations where I don't realize the other person is bored or uninterested until they tell me so. I also repeat myself quite a bit.
- I hate change. I like to always do things the same way over and over again. I like things to be predictable and I feel upset when my routine is messed up - for example, people coming over uninvited, or being aware of plans the day before or day of. I can listen to the same song for several hours each day, many days in a row and still enjoy it. I can eat the same meal many times over a short period of time and not get sick of it. I repeat the same phrase, or watch the same video, or do the same thing over and over and it never gets old. I always order the same things at restaurants, and only ever want to visit the same old places, I rarely try anything new.
- I can't understand people's intentions or feelings most of the time. I am often taken by surprise at people's reactions to what I say or do, and even when explained to me it doesn't make sense. I care if someone is sad or upset of course, but I can't understand why they are even if they explain it, because I have trouble putting myself in their position. People explain to me how my actions offend or upset others, but I don't understand, so I can come off as cold and uncaring because I don't connect with why they feel that way.
- I can't read body language, expressions, or tone of voice very well. I can't seem to keep a conversation going, I am very bad at chitchat. In my mind rather than listening to the other person I have to think in my head "what do I say next?" because the conversation won't flow naturally. I have to keep thinking of a topic or question. I can't seem to read between the lines and take most things literally, not understanding figures of speech. I am always the last to get a joke if I ever get it at all, and my humor itself can be very weird, and unconventional. Lots of times when I try to make a joke people take me seriously because apparently I "say it with a straight face and in a serious tone". I never can seem to time when it is my turn to speak and often times people will go quiet for several seconds before addressing me to say something, or I'll accidentally talk over them, especially is the case on the phone.
- I cannot process verbal instructions. If someone tells me a list of things to do, I will only process one of those things. I can't remember things unless they write them down for me in a specific list or constantly remind me as I complete each task. Also I don't do well without very specific instructions. For example instead of "clean your room" I feel like I don't know where to start. But if they say "put these clothes in the basket, put all of your papers in this drawer" I can work with that.
- I can't read analog clocks very well, it takes me a little while.
- I spin and pace in circles very often.
- It is not uncommon for me to daydream for hours.
- I don't mean to but I have been accused of staring, and I find myself doing it a lot by accident.
- I cannot make or maintain eye contact.
- I have trouble recognizing or remembering people's faces right away, even close friends or family members.
- I am a very picky eater. I can't stand certain tastes or even if I like the taste of the food, if the texture puts me off I can't stand it. For example I don't eat marshmallows or yogurt because of that. I can't deal with too hot or too cold food either, and am very sensitive to it even if others can eat it just fine. I can't stand the texture of clothes against me. I notice this even from when I was a child and refused to wear tights, certain types of socks or shoes. I cut the tags off most of my clothes, dress for comfort and sleep naked. I find a lot of clothes uncomfortable which most people don't. I am particular about the lighting in my room and dislike fluorescent lights.
- I find that I do things with my hands very often as a form of stimulation, both when excited or anxious.
- I have routines I must follow even though I know I have no need to. For example I will go through my entire room several times a day to make sure everything is in the right spot. Even areas I have not touched so nothing would have moved. I always triple-check everything, so I may do this routine multiple times in a row. In school before every class I would empty my bag, put everything back in after making sure I had it all, then do it again. I would do this before and after every single class.
- I am not social at all. I have two close friends but I don't care to try and make more friends because I have such a hard time connecting with people. I also feel physically exhausted even after hanging out with them for only one day, even just a few hours. I need at least a week to recharge and don't like to interact with them in any way until I have recharged. I have severe social phobia and anxiety, many times when I'm hanging out with them I'll go into the bathroom and cry because I just need to get away from the crowd and unfamiliar places and sensations. I hate crowds! I used to have panic attacks after being away from home for only thirty minutes because I was used to being in my room where I felt safe and like I could be myself. Just interacting with my friends drains me completely even if we're just hanging out casually, and I greatly value my alone time. I spend most of my time alone in my room away from others. I prefer solitary activities.
- I am very clumsy, I trip, drop things, and run into things often. I have no spatial awareness. I am also told I walk and run in an odd way.
- I don't talk much, I was always the "shy" or "quiet" one. I feel this is because I can't connect well with others. When I get frustrated like no one understands me, I just shut down by becoming completely expressionless and quiet. But if it's a topic I like, I become too talkative and dominate the conversation.
- Even as a child I abhorred any type of cuddling or affection. I wouldn't let anyone touch me or get near me. Now I am okay with doing that with my boyfriend or two close friends (no one else), but it's still uncomfortable, and I am not used to more intimate forms of affection, nor am I good at reciprocating it. When people hug me, I stand there doing nothing blankly for a few seconds before I realize, "oh, I should hug them back". But it doesn't feel natural. I do crave affection but when I am given it, I always feel awkward.
- As a child and even young adult I was incredibly gullible and trusting of everyone. I couldn't believe anyone could lie or why they would, so I believed everything everyone said and took it all at face value. A lot of times people would say something as joke, not seriously, but I would not realize it was a joke and take it seriously. Or figures of speech. When my dad said it "cost a million bucks in gas!" to drive to California on one road trip, despite being very logical I believed that it really did cost that much and did not second guess it despite being old enough to know better. Things like that happened all the time.
- I notice a lot of small details - pattern of tiles, license plate numbers. Though at the same time I can be very unobservant, like if someone is staring at me. I also have trouble noticing romantic advances, people will tell me "he was flirting with you!" when I think I am just having a normal, friendly reaction with someone. I notice a lot of signs when I am in the car and unintentionally read a lot of them out loud. I'm not good at memorizing numbers or dates, however.
- I speak very quietly, I can't seem to get the volume of my voice just right. I also talk very fast, especially when excited. I get jokes like "was that even English?" because I sometimes talk so fast. I also often say things in an unfitting tone or inflection. I have a deadpan expression a lot of the time, and a monotone voice. Not always, but in situations where I am not entirely comfortable this is the norm.
- I frequently get so strongly absorbed in things I don't notice anything around me or how much time has passed, but at the same time have a very difficult time filtering out background noises if I'm not focused on something yet. I can't listen to more than one conversation at once, which makes hanging out with multiple people very hard for me.
- I never used to care about my hair or makeup until just a couple years ago when my mom made a comment saying "you would look cute if you wore makeup". Then, it became an obsessive thing for her approval rather than because I wanted to do it. I hate the feeling of makeup on me, so I wear very little. Up until my late teens I never fixed my hair, coordinated my outfits, or cared about my appearance at all.
- I become mentally and physically exhausted even after doing things that most people do every day without problem - typical daily expectations are overwhelming for me.
- Ever since I was young my mother noticed my sensitivity to the sound of the radio in the car, and other such things. I often notice small sounds that others do not and they greatly annoy and distract me.
What at first I dismissed as not even a possibility, I am almost convinced of now. The more I read about it, the more is confirmed for me.
I would really like some peace of mind however, and am interested in seeking a professional diagnosis. But I am 21, an adult already and female so I know a lot of the traits are different in me than they would be in a male. I also am unemployed and I don't think my insurance would cover a diagnosis. But it would be very comforting to just know for sure, because if I had it it would explain a LOT of things. Things that I've been depressed about thinking that I was inferior or stupid for not getting or for being unusual in those ways. I think it would give me a lot of relief to have an explanation. A definite "yes" or "no" would help me greatly.
Is there anything I can do to go about this, how hard is it, how long does it take? I don't really know how to go about this on my own. I would also like the opinion of others here if you think that I do have it or not?
Looking back even to my childhood I can remember things that may have been because of this even as early as a toddler. One thing that I did was back in kindergarten, on my first day. Some days prior my teacher told me not to come in the school building until she came outside and let us in. Well my bus was late that day, but instead of going to the main office for help, I sat out there for hours until the first recess when she came out. I completely adhered to the rule I was told, and I think of a lot of things in a black-and-white way even nowadays. I did stuff like that my entire life, which lead to me being bullied, which didn't help either.
I just would like some feedback as I don't feel ready or able to talk about this with the few people I am close to in my life. I feel like they would brush me off, not take me seriously, or think I am a hypochondriac and that it is all in my head. I don't know how to go about getting a professional diagnosis and I don't have $2000 to do so. So, I just would like some input or suggestions from people here.
Thank you to anyone who bothered to read all that, whether or not you responded. Sorry for writing so much... I just have a lot on my mind.
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