I Probably Have an Eating Disorde

[Clueless in Canada]

I'm not braining very well this week so may not be putting this in the right spot. Forums confuse me even on good brain days. So, this is the first time I am articulating outside of my own head that I probably have an eating disorder. It's not the obvious kind. I am not underweight or overweight though I struggle constantly to maintain my weight and have been up to thirty pounds overweight at times. Nobody witnesses me doing anything unusual. But I have believed myself to be too fat for the past forty years. There is rarely a time when I am not thinking about my weight, feeling too large, feeling uncomfortable in my body and being slightly disgusted with myself. I don't have any food dislikes that would qualify as disordered. I eat most things and simply have an aversion to what tastes bitter or slimy to me and some degree of difficulty with finding meat revolting. I have been on extreme diets in the sense that I was vegan for several years, due to finding meat disgusting and then getting obsessed with the concept of consuming no animal products at all, and also I have eaten a low-carb diet for several years which is practically the opposite of vegan. I am addicted to carbohydrates and cannot manage them normally. I either have to label them as bad and avoid them entirely, thus the low-carb diet approach, or I binge. I tend to let myself get so hungry I lose all sense of appropriate eating and I just binge on the carbs until I feel sick. I don't make myself vomit, I just feel self-disgust and depressed. Often I will try to make up for the binge by eating less or as little as possible over the next 24 hours. Currently I am trying to use mindful eating or intuitive eating and teach myself to really pay attention and properly interpret my body's signals. I read that in the early stages of this binge eating is likely and that is exactly what is happening to me.

So, in summary: body dysmorphia, control obsession but no real ability to control, binge eating, carb craving, emotional issues, feeling like I am a failure at eating disorders because I can't even manage to have one and be thin.

This is a secret. A few people know I have to work hard to keep my weight down but they see that as normal. I shove cake into my mouth in secret, quickly, with shame.

Please tell me, does this sound like an eating disorder to you?

 

[inkfingers]

It sounds more like disordered eating than a full-blown eating disorder to me, but I'm not a professional. It seems you are already on the right path to healing your relationship with food by working on eating intuitively. I used to have an eating disorder, and then went through the binge/restrict cycle like you, and am now working on Intuitive eating, which really helps me a lot. Keep on going with the Intuitive Eating, but make sure you're doing it right. It doesn't mean eat whatever you want, whenever you want, regardless of your hunger and fullness signals. Rather, you should eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full, and avoid emotional eating. I highly recommend reading the Intuitive Eating book by Evelyn Tribole and Elsye Resch. It helped me a lot.

 

[Kalinychta]

Most of the women I know more or less have the same relationship with food that you do. If we weigh more than two sacks of flour, we’re considered overweight, if only aesthetically. Hence, we’re all neurotic about food and starving all the time.

But you do sound like you have a real problem. Did you have a rough childhood, and/or do you suffer from depression? Usually behaviors like yours are the result of underlying issues and can only be remedied by healing/treating the latter.

 

[Suzanne]

I could be reading about me!

 

[Monachopia]

Sounds like disordered eating - that could develop into eating disorders at times, which it seems to have done at certain points in your life such as the certain food avoidance (meat or carbs) which is defined as orthorexia.

It sounds similar to what I've been through and as it seems so many other women too. I've had anorexia for a time, complete binge-eating disorder for a time, but for years now I've been practicing mindful eating, I stop when I feel full and assess if I'm hungry before I eat. It took a long time to find the feeling of fullness - I never used to feel it. I don't binge anymore and don't secret eat. To beat secret eating is to say "I can have this later and it might feel good to share it with someone". I usually share a treat I've had an eye on with my partner. That breaks the "secret" aspect and makes sure that food isn't a guilt inducing thing. You have to work on distancing your emotions from food. It took quite some time for me to do this - and it was difficult after food being my only "friend" for so long. ...But, I no longer view food as a pleasure or guilt thing. It just is. It provides sustenance and energy. That's it. The tastier your meal can be without being harmful - the better!

On basic food related point - you may also be addicted to carbs and sugar right now. Sugar is an addictive substance and will make you hooked on the blood-sugar highs. The lows make you feel horrible, weak, dizzy... so it makes you reach for something carb and sugar rich again. It almost feels uncontrollable, like a compulsion. It's a cycle that can be broken. If you can manage to have as little sugar as possible for 2-3 weeks, you WILL feel better. That cycle will break and you'll be able to think clearly again. I'm not gonna lie - it is difficult, but trust me. It's worth it.

Body dysmorphia is a horrible thing though, I've had it all my life. I believe my psychiatrist described it as an obsessional anxiety of sorts. I've been clinically obese and almost underweight in my life. At both those points I was deeply unhappy with how I looked. The issue isn't with how much you weigh. It's all in your own perception of yourself and I believe some therapy might help with that. CBT maybe, and an acceptance of your self-perceived flaws to stop hyperfocusing on them. It's a separate issue from food and eating though, even though they seem linked.

 

[Streetwise]

Just to be veganism is not an extreme diet and to define it as an extreme diet is disrespecting vegans, I never hear about vegans who have a problem with appetite ,I can recommend cognitive behavioural therapy if you go that route tell them you’re autistic as they will change how they apply the technique .

 

[Pats]

It actually sounds more like societal caused guilt.
If a food is not satisfying, you're going to eat something else until you are satisfied, so eat what is satisfying to begin with.