I passed autism to my daughter.

[Rocco]

I'm a bit overwhelmed fully accepting that my youngest daughter is an Aspie just like me. It really hit me hard today when I realized and fully comprehended what it means. Now I am honestly scared. For her and for me. I don't know how to interact with people sometimes. It makes it harder to judge how much space to allow her, or how much of her unique stims and behaviors to allow/not.
Where to draw the line against antisocial behavior? For the same things I do.
Her sisters and mother are all NT, and they get upset by her stims at times. Reasonably so, to an NT. I recognize some of her patterns and promptly defend her noises or what ever movement. No matter how obnoxious or annoying the sound or action is.
We have a good family life but now I worry about her having to navigate life with this spectrum. At least we are aware before 10years old for her. I didn't figure it out for my self until age 32/33.

I am hesitant about her accommodations being viewed as favoritism by her older sisters.

Any other asd parents with asd kids around here?

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

It's not a football, Rocco. (That probably doesn't sound as sympathetic as I intended?)

You really have to get over being scared, because 1) she'll pick that up, as will her siblings, and 2) you can't help her much if you're scared.

She has options you didn't have at the same age. One of them is the social model: aspie is a social problem, not an individual concern. So get the family educated.

My child has different issues, but discussing them helped my family help me--and him. So find out how to talk about it, without leaking fear. How are you going to make yourself OK with this?

 

[Harrison]

All four of my children are on the spectrum, as well as two of my grandkids. It's the gift that keeps giving, but even if I had known I was an aspie all those years back, I would not have made a different choice as they are all beautiful.

They are also a pain in the ass sometimes, never call me or each other and never send birthday cards. Gotta love 'em

 

[pax]

I'm convinced my father was an aspie. He passed that on to me. He was also short,and had a strong sense of social justice - which he also passed on to me. He had copious body hair and premature balding - he passed these on to my brothers.

My point is it's not all great, but it's not all terrible either.
Teach your other kids to be compassionate and understanding - there is more information out there now, and teach your daughter not to be ashamed of who she is - that was not an option many of us had.

Not a parent - so I can't give specific advice there.

Take care.

 

[IrishAspie]

I have a young aspie son (offically diaginosed). I try not to threat him differently but will allow space when I feel it's needed. I dont push him into situations I know will make him uncomfortable like I was forced to but I also dont allow him to hide away and I get him out and about and interacting as much as possible.
His stims are slight and dont bother me or the family and noone mentions them to him. As he gets older I'll help him understand ways to manage it but my hope is that he will live a normalish life the way I have.

The fact is he will understand and be aware of the differences and have support compared to me who was knocking around for years alone, confused and depressed.

I think being an aspie makes me the perfect parent for him, My wife accepts him but I truly understand him and know what hes feeling and why he does some things.
You will see stuff that only you will understand in your daughter, what better bonding could you have

 

[Ylva]

If you don't let her fend off sensory overload when at home, she won't have a way to endure it at school where she'd be stimming less to avoid ridicule and the sensory input is far more demanding.

Where to draw the line against antisocial behavior?

What exactly is anti-social behavior? Is it her needing time by herself? Her reacting to sensory input the rest of the family doesn't notice? Refusing to hug visiting relatives? Failing to stare at eyes?

Maybe you are taking the wrong approach. Maybe you should teach her true mindfulness or real stoicism or at least some martial arts. You don't want the mother and siblings to change to accomodate her; therefore, what you must want is for her to put up with them. Teach her that.

 

[IrishAspie]

All four of my children are on the spectrum, as well as two of my grandkids. It's the gift that keeps giving, but even if I had known I was an aspie all those years back, I would not have made a different choice as they are all beautiful.

They are also a pain in the ass sometimes, never call me or each other and never send birthday cards. Gotta love 'em

Funny, a family member recently said to me regarding my lack of contact/cards etc "how would you feel if your kids did that to you when your older, you wont like it"
My answer was simple, If they do I'll accept it as thier choice and it wont bother me.

 

[Nitro]

I wish you and her the best. I am one of those who believes ASDs are of a genetic origin,so it came as no surprise to me. You can be her first and best mentor with you own experiences to draw from.

 

[watersprite]

Hi Rocco I have a daughter who is on the spectrum. She was challenging from day 1 actually she was challenging even before birth because the little bump would get hiccups all the time. * Sleep was a huge issue, or lack thereof. When she was a baby I had to be with her at night or she would literally not stop crying from about 11 p.m. to 3 a.m. So, I held her and sang made up stories and she eventaully closed down and slept. I aged 10 years in 3, but she got the comfort she needed.

School years and the sibling issues: took all I had to keep the household peaceful & sometimes it wasn't. I am no good at all at figuring out social situations. So, when they were both feeling things are unfair - I made everyone sit down. Then we all would work out equitable solutions to whatever the conflict du jour was. This was very tiring, and often one of them or both! thought it was still unfair, but eventually it got us through the storms. They know that if I didn't care, I wouldn't have been so "present" and willing to work through problems with them.

She is in her twenties now. After high school a severe accident happened and I really had to go to extraordinary measures for her then. I can talk about that in private with you.

I can tell from your writing that you are supporting and comforting her. That, right there will be all that is necessary to remind yourself if/when things get tough. It is great that she has you as her parent.

(*She also is amazing, beautiful, smart, has taught me a lot and sometimes scares me with her hobbies.)

 

[Tom]

I have a son who is definately HFA. But as far as I am aware he does not know. I only found out about myself with certainty about 3 years ago. At this point he is in military and doing well in a technical job, so I am reluctant to rock the boat.

My thoughts on how to treat one autistic child among other non autistic basically can be summerized as extra training (and correction) + extra love (to compensate for the correction). And then you have to pull out extra from yourself to make sure NT kids feel loved & appreciated. One way you can work this into training is to not let the Autistic child bother the NT ones without response/correction from you (and spouse). I guess the whole thing, the family system must be centered on fairness. But the NT kids will have to come to understand that the Autistic child will get extra attention/training to some degree because it is necessary. Being on the spectrum yourself gives you the potential for great insight into your daughters thinking, which is something NT parents have to struggle hard to attain, if ever.

P.S. The NT children, as soon as they are able, can be helpful in role modeling to teach or show different things. Siblings usually have an natural affinity and the autistic child a desire to do what the others do.

 

[clg114]

I'm a bit overwhelmed fully accepting that my youngest daughter is an Aspie just like me. It really hit me hard today when I realized and fully comprehended what it means. Now I am honestly scared. For her and for me. I don't know how to interact with people sometimes. It makes it harder to judge how much space to allow her, or how much of her unique stims and behaviors to allow/not.
Where to draw the line against antisocial behavior? For the same things I do.
Her sisters and mother are all NT, and they get upset by her stims at times. Reasonably so, to an NT. I recognize some of her patterns and promptly defend her noises or what ever movement. No matter how obnoxious or annoying the sound or action is.
We have a good family life but now I worry about her having to navigate life with this spectrum. At least we are aware before 10years old for her. I didn't figure it out for my self until age 32/33.

I am hesitant about her accommodations being viewed as favoritism by her older sisters.

Any other asd parents with asd kids around here?

I think she's a very lucky young lady. She has you to support her and is young enough for the proper counseling to do some real good. I believe that young Aspies should be counseled to be better at handling their weakness's and better take advantage of their considerable strengths. Aspergirl4hire made a very good point. Your state of mind is critical, if you have a positive attitude, chances are that she will to. Out of my five kids, only my youngest son is a Aspie. He was not diagnosed until age 32, but I was 62 when I was diagnosed. So my situation was very different than yours. Stay positive and good luck with all of your kids.

 

[Spiller]

I'm a bit overwhelmed fully accepting that my youngest daughter is an Aspie just like me. It really hit me hard today when I realized and fully comprehended what it means. Now I am honestly scared. For her and for me. I don't know how to interact with people sometimes. It makes it harder to judge how much space to allow her, or how much of her unique stims and behaviors to allow/not.
Where to draw the line against antisocial behavior? For the same things I do.
Her sisters and mother are all NT, and they get upset by her stims at times. Reasonably so, to an NT. I recognize some of her patterns and promptly defend her noises or what ever movement. No matter how obnoxious or annoying the sound or action is.
We have a good family life but now I worry about her having to navigate life with this spectrum. At least we are aware before 10years old for her. I didn't figure it out for my self until age 32/33.

I am hesitant about her accommodations being viewed as favoritism by her older sisters.

Any other asd parents with asd kids around here?

Hey Rocco, I suspect that my youngest son may have AS like me - I've seen a number of possible traits that others take as misbehaving, such as being hyper-focused on whatever he's doing to the exclusion of all else.. if it was homework (which he's not interested in) he'd be "A good boy", but if it's Xbox (which he is interested in) he's "Being naughty".

Other people don't seem, to me, to be consistent in their application of motive to behavior, rather this varies depending on the circumstance, so they are going to find that they can't always control him to their satisfaction.. I frequently hear him being shouted at and have to step in before punishments are meted.
I think I understand him better than anyone else as I never have to shout, if I'm just a little patient around his interests then he almost always does as I ask, we have a calm and communicative relationship - unless others get in the way and distort things or make him defensive, angry or upset.

I do worry about his future and can only hope that his own traits won't affect him the way mine did me and that I'll be around for advice, calm shelter.. whatever he needs..

Sounds to me like your daughter has an understanding and loving father who will always look out for her best interests.. whatever happens in the future is a learning process for us all and we can only do our best - I think you'll both do fine, my friend.

 

[Grace13]

I'm a bit overwhelmed fully accepting that my youngest daughter is an Aspie just like me. It really hit me hard today when I realized and fully comprehended what it means. Now I am honestly scared. For her and for me. I don't know how to interact with people sometimes. It makes it harder to judge how much space to allow her, or how much of her unique stims and behaviors to allow/not.
Where to draw the line against antisocial behavior? For the same things I do.
Her sisters and mother are all NT, and they get upset by her stims at times. Reasonably so, to an NT. I recognize some of her patterns and promptly defend her noises or what ever movement. No matter how obnoxious or annoying the sound or action is.
We have a good family life but now I worry about her having to navigate life with this spectrum. At least we are aware before 10years old for her. I didn't figure it out for my self until age 32/33.

I am hesitant about her accommodations being viewed as favoritism by her older sisters.

Any other asd parents with asd kids around here?

But-but-but..... Why?

 

[Grace13]

All four of my children are on the spectrum, as well as two of my grandkids. It's the gift that keeps giving, but even if I had known I was an aspie all those years back, I would not have made a different choice as they are all beautiful.

They are also a pain in the ass sometimes, never call me or each other and never send birthday cards. Gotta love 'em

D

 

[Grace13]

All four of my children are on the spectrum, as well as two of my grandkids. It's the gift that keeps giving, but even if I had known I was an aspie all those years back, I would not have made a different choice as they are all beautiful.

They are also a pain in the ass sometimes, never call me or each other and never send birthday cards. Gotta love 'em

Doe's the Ass stink.... like poop! GAHAHAHAHAHAH

 

[Grace13]

Hey Rocco, I suspect that my youngest son may have AS like me - I've seen a number of possible traits that others take as misbehaving, such as being hyper-focused on whatever he's doing to the exclusion of all else.. if it was homework (which he's not interested in) he'd be "A good boy", but if it's Xbox (which he is interested in) he's "Being naughty".

Other people don't seem, to me, to be consistent in their application of motive to behavior, rather this varies depending on the circumstance, so they are going to find that they can't always control him to their satisfaction.. I frequently hear him being shouted at and have to step in before punishments are meted.
I think I understand him better than anyone else as I never have to shout, if I'm just a little patient around his interests then he almost always does as I ask, we have a calm and communicative relationship - unless others get in the way and distort things or make him defensive, angry or upset.

I do worry about his future and can only hope that his own traits won't affect him the way mine did me and that I'll be around for advice, calm shelter.. whatever he needs..

Sounds to me like your daughter has an understanding and loving father who will always look out for her best interests.. whatever happens in the future is a learning process for us all and we can only do our best - I think you'll both do fine, my friend.

Got play time? If play time like 1 hour 30 min or 2 hours it will work.... Worked on me.. i play less when i get playing time.. takes some time... but yes.... may get mad in beginning.

 

[Balkan1996]

Why do you feel bad? You did a wonderful thing...

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

More thoughts...

First lesson: Equal is not fair. Establish what fairness looks like, when equal treatment produces unfair outcomes. Think about what equalizing means.

Second lesson: "When the problem is too big for you, take it to the team." If "you" = Rocco, then "team" = family. Get the team to define its principles for family values. Get them written up, in crayon, and put on the refrigerator. At kid-eye-height.

Third lesson: Repeat the above two lessons, and also write down how to make situations "come out better" in the future, after an upset causes an argument over what the family value really means. Start taking pictures of the refrigerator, because when rules get amended, they get used.

Yes, this really does work. Sometimes with startling or geez-I-didn't-want-that-results, because you are calling for everyone to step up and share in the responsibility of making things go on, and relinquishing a little of your power as a parent to do so. Let your little ones show you the dad you've become, while you weren't looking. You may very well like what you see--and they love you already.

 

[Warmheart]

Think how lucky your daughter is to have a Dad who already has learned some of the important ropes of being a healthy, balanced, well-informed Aspie. It is only natural as a loving father to worry about how she may do in life. She may have exceptional success to go along with her exceptional gifts, many of which may yet be undiscovered. She may surprise you. She may surpass you. She will have both a diagnosis and a supportive parent on her side going forward. What a lucky girl she is to have such a caring Dad!

 

[Ylva]

Think how lucky your daughter is to have a Dad who already has learned some of the important ropes of being a healthy, balanced, well-informed Aspie.

You can just tell how envious we all are.