I Need Some Advice

[cdt]

I am a 29yr old NT woman, dating a 38yr old Aspie man. I love my partner dearly and we are planning a long future together. But we regularly experience difficulties in our relationship that I'm finding it hard to deal with, particularly since my partner has so-far refused to admit even the possibility that he might be on the spectrum.

My partner is very solitary, logical, uncommunicative and avoidant. Whenever I need to talk to him about something to do with our relationship, he immediately shuts down. I've asked him how I can help him to feel more comfortable in these types of conversations and he's suggested various things such as not looking at him when I'm talking to him, which I have put into practice. We've also talked about techniques he can use, such as telling me when he is starting to feel uncomfortable or stepping out of the room for 5 minutes if he feels himself getting tense. But, after 2 years, he hasn't really made an effort to use these techniques and by the time I know anything is wrong it's usually too late and he is so shut down that conversation is impossible. This makes me feel very lonely, isolated and unloved. In addition, my partner made quite a good effort to be physically affectionate in the early stages of our relationship but has all but abandoned this now. We rarely make love, and the last time I tried to talk to him about my sexual frustration he became very hostile - despite repeated assurances from myself that I value him as a lover. He acts in the same way whenever I try to tell him that I feel unhappy. His usual response is to roll his eyes, ignore me, or tell me to stop attacking him. I suffer with depression and an anxiety disorder, which my partner knows. However, he gives me very little emotional support and much of the time I feel very upset and worried.

My partner is not 'abusive'. He's kind, loving and sweet, and can be very considerate. But his problems with communication and lack of affection are damaging our relationship and, as we've already separated once already, I'm worried that the next time will be the last. Please, if any of you have any advice, I would love to hear it. I don't know how much of this situation is my fault and, since my partner refuses to see a doctor or counsellor and hates it when I bring the subject up with him, I feel like I'm struggling alone in the dark.

 

[DMac]

I'm a 43 yr old as man with nt wife I have bad grammar and hate typing.so short and sweet with full stops in wrong place.
I drive my wife mad going silent i don't do it on purpose but it gets foggy in there and any response is affected by frustration and confusion on both parts . Brake things down a bit at a time get him to research aspergers by reading other people's stories, do this with him it won't take long for him to work thing out but stand back because it can get messy when it hits u I think I had a break down within 48 hours ( shiver down the back as I remember the panic attack) don't be pushy in your efforts to lead him I always resisted bribe if nesersery .your journey to better times will start there.also before my finger falls off u study aspies nt really don't understand how simple conversations can go so wrong so quick dew to him missing the point.

My son has as his girlfriend does not .he was downstairs she was upstairs he shouted holly she shouted in a minute he shouted holly she said in a minute (a bit louder)he screamed holly she screamed in a minute he screamed wots the point in waiting a minute you'll be down her then and I want something brining down by witch time there both sulking with each other. he could have shouted holly bring me my whatever down plz so simple but he didn't and it got complicated loud frustrating its mad but aspergers is complicated and makes no sense to any body sometimes . The warmest of starts can go so cold so quick and I won't even know it's happend good luck be strong and take none of it to hart.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hi! I'm NT. It sounds like he doesn't even want to acknowledge he has a communication problem let alone be an Aspie. It seems like you have made it clear that you are unhappy and want to see a counselor or therapist. For me, if I had a Hunny who was well aware that I was unhappy and refused to take any steps in the right direction to help the situation, then that would tell me he really didn't care about me enough. You might want to read some books on what an NT should expect when in a relationship with an Aspie. Aspies like their time alone and aren't real big on the socializing thing.

What I'm hearing from you that are red flags is the fact that he refuses counseling, refused to even acknowledge he might be Aspie, refuses to use communication techniques that may help the two of you communicate better, you aren't getting any "huggie smoochie", he rolls his eyes and doesn't give you any emotional support, and you feel upset, worried and alone all the time. I just don't see any positives in this relationship. For an NT to be with an Aspie, they both have to give to the relationship and keep learning about the other. I just am not seeing any contributions to the relationship from him. You two separated once already and evidently that didn't help the relationship. It just doesn't sound like he wants a relationship right now. I would take a break from him for awhile.

 

[cdt]

Hi! I'm NT. It sounds like he doesn't even want to acknowledge he has a communication problem let alone be an Aspie. It seems like you have made it clear that you are unhappy and want to see a counselor or therapist. For me, if I had a Hunny who was well aware that I was unhappy and refused to take any steps in the right direction to help the situation, then that would tell me he really didn't care about me enough. You might want to read some books on what an NT should expect when in a relationship with an Aspie. Aspies like their time alone and aren't real big on the socializing thing.

What I'm hearing from you that are red flags is the fact that he refuses counseling, refused to even acknowledge he might be Aspie, refuses to use communication techniques that may help the two of you communicate better, you aren't getting any "huggie smoochie", he rolls his eyes and doesn't give you any emotional support, and you feel upset, worried and alone all the time. I just don't see any positives in this relationship. For an NT to be with an Aspie, they both have to give to the relationship and keep learning about the other. I just am not seeing any contributions to the relationship from him. You two separated once already and evidently that didn't help the relationship. It just doesn't sound like he wants a relationship right now. I would take a break from him for awhile.

Hey. Thank you for your reply. I guess I should explain a little more. My partner, to his credit, has come on a long way. He will now talk to me on the phone, join me at certain social events and is more communicative than he was previously. He's opened himself up to new possibilities for my benefit, such as moving to a new city, getting engaged and planning a family, which he has never done in any of his previous relationships. He's cut down on his online gaming, which was a full-blown addiction and directly contributed to our break up. He also acknowledges that we have problems and has admitted that his difficulty with communication is at the root of many of our issues, but that's as far as we've gotten. He has also mentioned to me that he doesn't know what his face is doing sometimes (but that doesn't make the eye rolling less hurtful).

He's as stressed out by this as I am, and I can understand why. For years he's considered himself to be something of a human robot, alone in a bubble, and he's been perfectly happy that way. Now I'm in the picture and he has told me he knows he has to change, but putting it into practice is another thing entirely. Every time we argue I get so upset, thinking if only he had just used one of the techniques we talked about, we wouldn't have ended up fighting! I think if we can improve the way we communicate, we might be able to have more meaningful conversations about his being AS and my needing support, which would be wonderful for both of us. We do love each other, but I just feel as though I've hit a road block. I guess what I'm looking for are some strategies and techniques that might help us move forwards, rather than taking a break or giving up entirely. As for the huggie-smoochie, I'm hoping this will improve as our stress levels go down. He does enjoy being intimate with me, so his lack of interest, while upsetting, isn't dangerously alarming.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

It's me, again. I have to say that your second posting is totally different than your first post. I would honestly stay with what I said regarding the first post. The second post I would say to see a counselor who knows something about AS that can help in communication. Some of the books I have read also let NT's know what to expect in a relationship with an Aspie. That may help you. I don't think you will ever get the "emotional" and "social" needs met that most NT's (especially NT women) really need. The books say that will have to be met by other NT friends. I would educate yourself as much as you can first then go from there. See if he wants to go to counseling. Actually, he should start reading some books on Aspergers himself and it may open his eyes a little. If he doesn't show any signs of interest towards getting the relationship back on track then I'm back to the "take a break".

 

[cdt]

It's me, again. I have to say that your second posting is totally different than your first post. I would honestly stay with what I said regarding the first post. The second post I would say to see a counselor who knows something about AS that can help in communication. Some of the books I have read also let NT's know what to expect in a relationship with an Aspie. That may help you. I don't think you will ever get the "emotional" and "social" needs met that most NT's (especially NT women) really need. The books say that will have to be met by other NT friends. I would educate yourself as much as you can first then go from there. See if he wants to go to counseling. Actually, he should start reading some books on Aspergers himself and it may open his eyes a little. If he doesn't show any signs of interest towards getting the relationship back on track then I'm back to the "take a break".

I hope it gives a bit more of an overview. Our relationship has been characterised by a series of struggles, each one of which we've managed to overcome. Except this one. It's unfortunate that this one is such a biggie. Getting him to admit that he has communication problems took 2 years, numerous fights, a breakup, and a lot of tears on my part. Revelations such as not knowing what his face is doing, always occur towards the end of a fight when we're both exhausted and upset. If he would talk to me about what's happening, instead of just shutting down, I would understand better how to talk to him in a way that he can deal with. But right now I have to drag everything out of him all the time and am not getting much in return in the way of physical or emotional intimacy, which is leaving me feeling extremely isolated and feeling like a sh*tty person for "nagging" at him. But previous struggles have been won with hard work, and we've both benefited from the outcomes. I'm determined to overcome this one too.

Counsellor - no. He has flat out refused and I know it wouldn't be wise to press the point. Books - yes. Good idea. There are so many out there though, I don't know where to start. Can you make any good recommendations?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I've read "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Atwood, "22 Things A Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome" by Rudy Simone. This site also has some book references that I believe can be accessed on the Home page. I tell you, I have been on this site since last Christmas Day and I thought I knew a lot, but I have had some communication problems with some Aspie friends myself. Sometimes I have a hard time with the bluntness - my feelings still get hurt. A lot of Aspies also take what you say literally which threw me for a loop because I'm pretty sarcastic IRL. My Aspie friend would like to talk about every couple of weeks to once a month, which really isn't enough for me so I have to get it elsewhere (my socializing needs ). That's really hard for me cause I'd like to talk to him just like I do all my other friends. He also said that his facial expressions never match what he is feeling - like your BF's rolling of the eyes? Those books I read are what opened my eyes and it isn't all positive. Our emotional needs will never be met the way we would like because Aspie's just aren't emotional and "feely" like us. They deal mostly with logic. Thing is, it's hard to get emotional needs fulfilled by NT men, so Aspie men are men and Aspie which probably means less "huggie smoochie" and not much "small talk" like what we're used to. And from what I've been told by more than one Aspie is that they can't stand eye contact.
**All Aspies are different and unique in their own special ways.

There are positives to Aspies - they're very loyal, honest and intelligent, too. Some like "huggie smoochie" time and may also entertain the idea of "small talk" if they are really wanting to make their NT happy. Some Aspies on this site have had successful marriages with NT's. You may want to contact them and see what they think.

 

[cdt]

I've read "The Complete Guide To Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Atwood, "22 Things A Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's Syndrome" by Rudy Simone. This site also has some book references that I believe can be accessed on the Home page. I tell you, I have been on this site since last Christmas Day and I thought I knew a lot, but I have had some communication problems with some Aspie friends myself. Sometimes I have a hard time with the bluntness - my feelings still get hurt. A lot of Aspies also take what you say literally which threw me for a loop because I'm pretty sarcastic IRL. My Aspie friend would like to talk about every couple of weeks to once a month, which really isn't enough for me so I have to get it elsewhere (my socializing needs ). That's really hard for me cause I'd like to talk to him just like I do all my other friends. He also said that his facial expressions never match what he is feeling - like your BF's rolling of the eyes? Those books I read are what opened my eyes and it isn't all positive. Our emotional needs will never be met the way we would like because Aspie's just aren't emotional and "feely" like us. They deal mostly with logic. Thing is, it's hard to get emotional needs fulfilled by NT men, so Aspie men are men and Aspie which probably means less "huggie smoochie" and not much "small talk" like what we're used to. And from what I've been told by more than one Aspie is that they can't stand eye contact.
**All Aspies are different and unique in their own special ways.

There are positives to Aspies - they're very loyal, honest and intelligent, too. Some like "huggie smoochie" time and may also entertain the idea of "small talk" if they are really wanting to make their NT happy. Some Aspies on this site have had successful marriages with NT's. You may want to contact them and see what they think.

My man fits that profile. He's very loyal, smart, trustworthy and extremely creative. His eye contact sucks big time but it's not something that bothers me too much. He'll often completely turn his back on me in the middle of a sentence, but if I gently ask him to turn back around he will do. I've told him I can't hear what he's saying if he's talking to the wall! I love that you're super sarky IRL - me too! Sometimes my partner gets it but sometimes he doesn't, bless him.

It makes me sad that he may never be able to fulfil my emotional needs. But, as a depressive I know I have to take some responsibility and that I may sometimes be reacting slightly worse than a mentally healthy person would. I love it that you have experience in this area though. I mean, it sucks that you've also gone through it, but your insight is really useful. Is not knowing your own facial expressions a very Aspie thing then? I've only ever know one Aspie - him - and since he refuses diagnosis we can't talk to a doctor about it. Honestly, it's just so weird that he's been so opposed to accepting that he may be on the spectrum. Every time I hear about a new symptom it just seems to fit him so perfectly *sighs*.

I'll definitely check out those books. Hopefully there'll be some advice in there that will show us how to create a template for how we should proceed in situations where he usually shuts down. I guess all I can do is leave them out for him to read. In the meantime I'll definitely check out the rest of the site. I feel more positive just having spoken to you, so I think interacting with other members is a great idea

I guess I should also say straight out that, right now, I am having to operate on a 'self-diagnosis' basis, with myself being the person who's come up with the suggestion of Asperger's. I know it's not advised but he fits the bill so perfectly and I honestly don't think he'll ever see a doctor. Do you think it's dangerous to do this, or do you think people can be capable of identifying Asperger's on their own? The communication techniques I've learned so far were found on a different Aspie forum, and some of them have really helped. I'm not invested in him admitting that he absolutely has AS, since of course we can't know for sure, just that there's a possibility he may be on the spectrum. I'm hoping this would open him up to learning more about how to manage the Aspie-like behaviour he exhibits.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have never dated an Aspie. I actually met my Aspie friend on this site. And I never knew any Aspies until I came here to get some information on someone who I thought could have been Aspie, but is probably really NT. But like I said in another thread, I came for the info and stayed for the fun! I've never ventured off to find other Aspie sites - this one seems to be the cream of the crop!

 

[cdt]

I was looking for specific information during my previous searches. Came for the information, didn't stop for the fun. This is my first time posting in an Aspie forum and already I feel a little more relaxed, largely thanks to your lovely words. So glad I chose here!

 

[May Black]

I've never argued as much with anyone as I have with my boyfriend while we were still friends. He made so little sense to me at times. We hardly ever argue now, but it's taken time to get there.

I'll need to head to work shortly, I probably won't have time to look at this more thoroughly until Sunday, but here are a few thoughts.

If he hasn't used any of the techniques, skip them. They don't work for him, he won't use them. You guys will need to figure out something else.

Go with the robot thing, if that's how he sees himself, keep it that way. It's just a different combination of letters. Understand that robots don't act like NT, but more like Aspies, and base your behavior on that. We're all different individuals regardless, there are no cookie cutter solutions. Don't force him into diagnoses if he's not ready for it.

Give him time after an argument, but once things have calmed down, try to get him to tell you what happened, where it all went wrong. Analyze the situation yourself and think about possible triggers, suggest them. Don't just ask him to tell you what triggered his reaction, he might not be able to do that.

 

[Ylva]

We've also talked about techniques he can use, such as telling me when he is starting to feel uncomfortable or stepping out of the room for 5 minutes if he feels himself getting tense.

I usually don't know how I feel. My mother puts pressure on me from time to time to tell her how I feel, but although it seems like a reasonable request I can't ever follow through.

 

[cdt]

I usually don't know how I feel. My mother puts pressure on me from time to time to tell her how I feel, but although it seems like a reasonable request I can't ever follow through.

This is why I'm here. To learn from people who are more able to talk about their experiences than my partner is right now, such as yourself and the other lovely people I've spoken to. I've never known as Aspie before, let alone been in a relationship with one, so I'm all too aware that I don't really know what I'm doing. If it turns out that this request just isn't something he can handle, we'll have to find another way. Thanks.

 

[cdt]

I've never argued as much with anyone as I have with my boyfriend while we were still friends. He made so little sense to me at times. We hardly ever argue now, but it's taken time to get there.

I'll need to head to work shortly, I probably won't have time to look at this more thoroughly until Sunday, but here are a few thoughts.

If he hasn't used any of the techniques, skip them. They don't work for him, he won't use them. You guys will need to figure out something else.

Go with the robot thing, if that's how he sees himself, keep it that way. It's just a different combination of letters. Understand that robots don't act like NT, but more like Aspies, and base your behavior on that. We're all different individuals regardless, there are no cookie cutter solutions. Don't force him into diagnoses if he's not ready for it.

Give him time after an argument, but once things have calmed down, try to get him to tell you what happened, where it all went wrong. Analyze the situation yourself and think about possible triggers, suggest them. Don't just ask him to tell you what triggered his reaction, he might not be able to do that.

Thanks for replying, especially since you sound busy! Thinking about him as a robot is such a hard thing to do. This is the man who cried when we couldn't adopt a cat he'd befriended at the shelter but doesn't seem to realise when I need a hug or kind word. Seeing him behave so differently from one situation to the next is extremely confusing for me :/ But if you think it might help then it's something I can try to do. I would never force him into a diagnosis though. It would be impossible for a start - he's so blimmin stubborn.

As you say, the techniques I've tried so far clearly haven't been working so I need to learn more and try new things which can help me to modify my own behaviour. I'd love it if he were able to make more of an effort, but am realising that this may not be possible. Maybe, if I can learn to speak his language, it'll make communication easier for both of us. I'm not holding my breath for another argument ( ) but if and when it does happen I'll follow your advice and see what happens.

 

[Kari Suttle]

It was a good idea to come here for advice. I'm curious about what you said to May Black, does your boyfriend notice when you're upset and need a hug and just not know what to do or does he not even notice it? Most of the time if its someone i know well i'll notice they're upset but i won't really know what to do about it. Also, when you say that he shuts down what do you mean? Like the classic shutdown with no talking, maybe slight disassociation? Or is he just ignoring you? There is a difference. An actual shutdown comes from being too overwhelmed. I'm somewhat embarrassed to admit that i shutdown a lot at work, almost always when its really busy and after i have to deal with a particularly rude customer. It stays that way for the rest of the work day usually.

I think NurseAngela's ideas of getting him to read books on it might help. When my mom suggested me possibly having AS to me i denied it until i researched it on my own. But if he's resistant to the idea of even being on the spectrum maybe just address the communication problems without even calling it related to AS. If he isn't ready to accept it he just isn't ready, forcing it will just make it worse.

I don't know how your boyfriend is but confrontation of any sort really just provokes a shutdown or me getting upset and crying. One or the other or both. I have issues interpreting the people closest to me at the dinner table, let alone when they're yelling at me. That combined with the stress of confrontation, its too overwhelming. If he's truly shutting down and not just ignoring you or the like, its not something you can prevent or stop you have to address whatever is causing it. He may or may not be able to fully explain himself, either. Especially in person, i'm always much better online than in person. In person is just...different. It adds an element that i can't understand and devote way too much time in trying to figure it out instead of just talking.

 

[cdt]

Hey there

My partner does notice some of the time. Sometimes he responds straight away, but it often takes him an hour or two to acknowledge that I'm upset, or he might just pretend I haven't said anything. On other occasions he might respond by rolling his eyes, changing the subject or ignoring me. He's much more likely to respond if it's something outside of our relationship that is the problem - for example, if I've had a bad day at work. But sometimes he shuts down for no reason at all - or none that I can perceive. This is the worst, because it makes me feel like I have to be constantly vigilant and careful about what I say.

When he shuts down it definitely goes beyond ignoring. He won't leave the room, but if he's wearing a hoodie he might pull the hood low down on his face. He avoids eye contact and turns his face to the wall. He slumps over, sometimes crossing his arms. He'll close his eyes and won't speak. If I can get him to respond it's very short and irritable. He'll rub his eyes and tell me he feels tired, or has a stomach ache or a headache - anything that might mean I will give him approval to leave the conversation. He tells me that he feels as though he's under attack, even if we were just talking about something as light hearted as whether or not we should get a dog. Sometimes he will be verbally aggressive - not to any worrying degree, but in such a way as to try to divert the conversation around to my failings as a partner (I always "do" this to him, I'm hypercritical, I can't leave things alone etc.etc.). I still consider this to be part of the shut down, as it's totally out of character compared to his usual, gentle personality. I am learning to speak very calmly and to use speech which is much more direct and plain, so there is no confusion about meaning or intent. At his request I've also learned to stop looking at him if we're having a serious discussion, because he says he feels threatened by my need for eye contact. But I feel as though my efforts will continue to go wasted if he doesn't commit to putting some work in himself, and as we're planning on having a family there's just no way that we can avoid having serious discussions in the future. If you have any advice about how I could maybe be more encouraging and help him to understand how important this is, I would love to hear it.

Online he's a lot more eloquent. We actually met on MySpace, believe it or not! He wooed me with his wordplay and I fell in love with him before I realised just how terrible he is at communicating face to face. He once told me that he wished he could merge himself with his computer and exist online as some kind of formless energy being...

 

[Kari Suttle]

Hey there

My partner does notice some of the time. Sometimes he responds straight away, but it often takes him an hour or two to acknowledge that I'm upset, or he might just pretend I haven't said anything. On other occasions he might respond by rolling his eyes, changing the subject or ignoring me. He's much more likely to respond if it's something outside of our relationship that is the problem - for example, if I've had a bad day at work. But sometimes he shuts down for no reason at all - or none that I can perceive. This is the worst, because it makes me feel like I have to be constantly vigilant and careful about what I say.

When he shuts down it definitely goes beyond ignoring. He won't leave the room, but if he's wearing a hoodie he might pull the hood low down on his face. He avoids eye contact and turns his face to the wall. He slumps over, sometimes crossing his arms. He'll close his eyes and won't speak. If I can get him to respond it's very short and irritable. He'll rub his eyes and tell me he feels tired, or has a stomach ache or a headache - anything that might mean I will give him approval to leave the conversation. He tells me that he feels as though he's under attack, even if we were just talking about something as light hearted as whether or not we should get a dog. Sometimes he will be verbally aggressive - not to any worrying degree, but in such a way as to try to divert the conversation around to my failings as a partner (I always "do" this to him, I'm hypercritical, I can't leave things alone etc.etc.). I still consider this to be part of the shut down, as it's totally out of character compared to his usual, gentle personality. I am learning to speak very calmly and to use speech which is much more direct and plain, so there is no confusion about meaning or intent. At his request I've also learned to stop looking at him if we're having a serious discussion, because he says he feels threatened by my need for eye contact. But I feel as though my efforts will continue to go wasted if he doesn't commit to putting some work in himself, and as we're planning on having a family there's just no way that we can avoid having serious discussions in the future. If you have any advice about how I could maybe be more encouraging and help him to understand how important this is, I would love to hear it.

Online he's a lot more eloquent. We actually met on MySpace, believe it or not! He wooed me with his wordplay and I fell in love with him before I realised just how terrible he is at communicating face to face. He once told me that he wished he could merge himself with his computer and exist online as some kind of formless energy being...

Yep that's definetally a shut down. I do that too, to a point. I avoid all eye contact possible and won't talk at all, and if i'm at home not at work i'll turn the tv off, any music i might have on, cause at that point the noise is bothersome. If at all possible i prefer to curl up on the armchair with a blanket. My speech also regresses to that of the two year old's i babysit - single word replies, if any at all, that may or may not resemble what i'm trying to say. Your learning to communicate differently in those situations will probably help a lot. At least with me, in serious discussions i'm best with someone that's calm and nonjudgemental. Suggestions as to how i might be feeling are a good thing - i usually can't put it into words face to face.

But you're right, he does need to make some effort himself. Has he acknowledged that he needs do do better? I forget, i was on another board like this as well earlier. I don't know how you'd encourage him to improve. I may have been in denial when my family suggested i have AS but i was at least willing to research it. I improved a lot when i was researching it on my own and following advice i found. I picked up basic conversation skills at work by copying my coworkers, for example. I improved the most, though, when i was put in a situation where i had to. When i began babysitting my mom's friend's then two month old son (he's almost two now) i had to learn how to care for him and how to read him. Now he's like a little brother to me. When i started working as a cashier, i had to either learn how to work with customers or lose the job.

 

[Ylva]

Provide him with a list of characteristics but don't tell him they are Asperger characteristics.

 

[cdt]

Yep that's definetally a shut down. I do that too, to a point. I avoid all eye contact possible and won't talk at all, and if i'm at home not at work i'll turn the tv off, any music i might have on, cause at that point the noise is bothersome. If at all possible i prefer to curl up on the armchair with a blanket. My speech also regresses to that of the two year old's i babysit - single word replies, if any at all, that may or may not resemble what i'm trying to say. Your learning to communicate differently in those situations will probably help a lot. At least with me, in serious discussions i'm best with someone that's calm and nonjudgemental. Suggestions as to how i might be feeling are a good thing - i usually can't put it into words face to face.

But you're right, he does need to make some effort himself. Has he acknowledged that he needs do do better? I forget, i was on another board like this as well earlier. I don't know how you'd encourage him to improve. I may have been in denial when my family suggested i have AS but i was at least willing to research it. I improved a lot when i was researching it on my own and following advice i found. I picked up basic conversation skills at work by copying my coworkers, for example. I improved the most, though, when i was put in a situation where i had to. When i began babysitting my mom's friend's then two month old son (he's almost two now) i had to learn how to care for him and how to read him. Now he's like a little brother to me. When i started working as a cashier, i had to either learn how to work with customers or lose the job.

About a month ago we went through a period of fighting a lot. He told me that he felt as though we have so many problems that perhaps we shouldn't be together. But all couples need to talk about certain things, such as what they want in the future or things that are bothering them. What makes our relationship different is that we aren't able to communicate effectively, so we end up in unnecessary fights. After I pointed this out, he finally admitted that his difficulties with communication were at the root of most of our arguments. But I told him, that's ok. It means that we don't actually have that many problems. We just have one and it's something we can work on.

As for researching AS, I'm continuing to gently turn his attention in the direction of peer reviewed studies and articles by healthcare professionals. I don't think what Ylva suggested would work. He'd see what I was up to straight away and most likely feel manipulated, which I would never want to do. I absolutely love it that you bonded with your mom's friend's son though. I do worry about how my partner will cope when we have children, so it's always nice to hear from Aspie parents or others who have good relationships with little ones. Strangely enough, despite his lack of interest in them, children seem to adore my partner. It's always so funny when one insists on sitting on his lap and he gives me this look which says, oh my god what the hell do I do now? After 20 minutes of sitting frozen like a deer in the headlights he usually relaxes and starts talking to them. But then he gets to give them back, which makes me wonder how he'll cope when that isn't an option any more.

 

[Kari Suttle]

It sounds like you're approaching the situation well. And yeah, kids seem to adore me, too. Bubba in specific, when he wakes up i hear him chanting my name on the baby monitor. I admit though that kids all day is a bit much - i desperately need me time too. When i first started watching him i relied on routine until i learned what cry meant what. Even then i guessed a lot at first. Still do, sometimes. I think he's learned its more effective to either tell me what he wants or to show me than come over to me whining. But i love that kid, watching him has been the best. I actually went from never wanting kids to actually considering kids someday.