I don't know whether I want to hug or strangle my childhood self

[jleeb05]

I've kept a journal since I was about 11 or 12. I hadn't read through the older ones in years but was prompted to do so today after I realized my Mom and I had different memories relating to a certain event in my childhood. Turns out I was mostly right regarding the memory but reading through those journals made me realize a few things:

1) God, I was an idiot back then! Just completely devoid of social ability and skill...also, my handwriting and grammar sucked.

2) I wasn't very likable. I mean, I was stubborn, socially inept, and thought I knew everything.

3) I was obsessed with getting revenge on my bullies. I talked about it constantly!

4) I was a horny little thing...Granted I was just discovering my sexuality and going through puberty, but page after page about my crushes on these boys, whom I've now completely forgotten about. I had the nerve to write in one entry that I had been in love "many times." And every time I would go up to the kid after having stared at and followed him around for months, confess my love, and make a complete fool of myself because...why not?

Of course, I think a lot of this is related to my potential autism. There was even a meeting with my teachers to discuss how to accommodate my Asperger's (I had forgotten this). So as much as I found my younger self to be absolutely annoying, it's hard not to feel compassion and a little sadness for what I was going through and for everything I now know was lying ahead.

When you think about your younger self, do you want to give yourself a hug, a smack in the back of the head, or both?

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I wish I had been better about keeping journals, but I mostly didn't do so. I try and look forward these days.

 

[Tom]

I sometimes cringe remembering certain things about my younger selves. I say selves because I think there were multiple stages.

It has taken a very long time to really understand things and myself (and not just think I do) and I am still working on it. But I do know I have come a long way.

I think of the tiny ant. Watch him for a minute and he doesn't go far. But turn away for 20 minutes and look again and he has gone a suprising distance.

I guess what I mean to say is that people aren't born with great understanding. It is only gained over time and working on it. Even people born with amazing IQs are not born wise.

So I would cut yourself some slack. No one becomes a Jedi overnight.

 

[LadyS]

I wrote journals and still have most of them. Definitely hug myself because I needed it. My family wasn't the lovey touchy feely kind so I never got real hugs, even from my own parents until after I left for college. Age 8 to 18 was the roughest.

I did a lot of stupid things at that age too, so many that didn't make sense, even roped in some of my friends to be "accomplices" but alas I was only a kid so I forgive myself. Plus my "accomplices" didn't have to join in on my stupidity so why did they? It was because I was creative, thought outside the box.... in my own head at least.

 

[Nairobi]

I've kept a journal since I was about 11 or 12. I hadn't read through the older ones in years but was prompted to do so today after I realized my Mom and I had different memories relating to a certain event in my childhood. Turns out I was mostly right regarding the memory but reading through those journals made me realize a few things:

1) God, I was an idiot back then! Just completely devoid of social ability and skill...also, my handwriting and grammar sucked.

2) I wasn't very likable. I mean, I was stubborn, socially inept, and thought I knew everything.

3) I was obsessed with getting revenge on my bullies. I talked about it constantly!

4) I was a horny little thing...Granted I was just discovering my sexuality and going through puberty, but page after page about my crushes on these boys, whom I've now completely forgotten about. I had the nerve to write in one entry that I had been in love "many times." And every time I would go up to the kid after having stared at and followed him around for months, confess my love, and make a complete fool of myself because...why not?

Of course, I think a lot of this is related to my potential autism. There was even a meeting with my teachers to discuss how to accommodate my Asperger's (I had forgotten this). So as much as I found my younger self to be absolutely annoying, it's hard not to feel compassion and a little sadness for what I was going through and for everything I now know was lying ahead.

When you think about your younger self, do you want to give yourself a hug, a smack in the back of the head, or both?

HUG. And books about ASD in females...which did not exist back then. I think a lot of my obsession with boys had to do with the lack of love felt at home. I think feeling more support and learning about ASD would have really helped me a lot - help me be less blind and kept me from going down some bad roads that I thought would lead to happiness. Help me be less easily taken advantage of by others. And be less annoying to others. And more confident in myself, better able to stick to my core rather than branching outwards in directions that did not serve me well, though I was attempting to grow in my ignorance.

 

[Nairobi]

But it helps that in either middle or high school our teachers had us write a future letter to ourselves - and one of the things my younger self had asked my older self was to not judge her. So that was a good reminder. And I truly know I was doing the best that I could - I have no doubt about my efforts.

 

[unperson]

yes to both, wish I'd kept journals - many strange things happened.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow, this is interesting. I remember having a crush on a brown eye shy boy in my class. I don't remember ever talking to him. I remember jumping up on the counter with my blackboard eraser and ruler making a guitar and singing sugar pie honey bunch - you know that l love you, can't help myself, l love you and nobody else. And l had to put this 45 on the vinyl player.

I remember running around the track alot. The teachers kept us wiped out from exercise. Good move. One of the monkey' s main singer from the group came to our tiny school to meet us. He was nice, l didn't know who he was , he was Davy Jones, very young at the time. I didn't watch tv. My teenager friend next door got the Beatles album Sergeant Peppers Lonely Heart Club Band and let me listen to it. Teenagers were nice then. A teenager boy use to put me in his handle bars and take me for short rides. Then this boy moved in to the row houses and proudly showed me his squirrel that he skinned and mounted. I thought that was kinda weird but it was country backwoods kinda of place. He used the N word and l said it around my dad and got a verbal tongue lashing. A drunk walked into our house one night. You could hear the wolves howl at night. We had a haunted shack that we looked inside. We actually had horse in the pasture next to us that l would try to ride bare back and feed it carrots. My mom won a cow in a raffle, she had to give away the meat, it wouldn't fit our fridge, then the house we bought burned completely down to the ground. We moved to Frisco. Oh ,we had a giant walnut tree in our yard, it was my job to remove the outer shell and crack the walnuts. And l sorta got in trouble for stealing chocolate out of the cabinet. No more childhoods like that anymore. Plenty of poison oak in the woods in back and cougers also. I remember being in a little shack with maybe 3 kids and we innocently played doctor but it was more just looking at the girl who went along with it. I think l found out about the birds and bee story and l was shocked where babies came from, and we discussed for 5 mins then completely forgot about it. After school meant going to my friends house and to listen to the intro of Dark Shadows and play with Barbie and her huge shoe collection that this playmate had. How idyllic. No cell phones, no computers, just people interaction. A bunch of girls and l went to our math teacher's house and we tutored there in his kitchen. We had a Japanese enginer stay with us a short time and l learned to eat with chopsticks and a egg on top of my noodles and make slurping sounds to show that l appreciated the dish. I lived near Yosemite. My father got a standard thank you letter from JF Kenndy for some campaign work which was framed on hung on the wall. The memories. I actually remember the day he was shot, l was in a car with mom, it came up on the car radio,my mom was grief stricken. Sure l did stupid things back then but l don't care. I remember feeling very insignificant but the bus driver seemed to be enamored with me which felt weird. He shoved his uninterested son on me at the school dance and watched intently .It felt good to reminisce . Hope l didn't bore you.

 

[Suzette]

@Nairobi, Plenty of girls are boy crazy. No shame in that.

I used to try to write a diary when I was young too. I got really annoyed with myself for just having pre-teen thoughts and not having anything "great" to write about. But, you know, I did have real stuff to write about but I didn't know how to express these thing onto paper.
I wish I did though as it might help answer the question if my cptsd is a result of the trauma I experienced as a kid/teen, or if undiagnosed ASD resulted in communication/understanding difficulties that contributed to my cptsd. Chicken and egg.

Ok kids, I am going to confess a few of my own pre-teen dumb stuff just to commiserate with jleeb05.
1. I once rimmed my eyelids with blue permanent marker as a makeup alternative. (It was the 80s and bright blue was in)
2. I had a crush on my middle school gym teacher. Appearently I was quite obvious because when I ran into him 25 years later, he teased me about that crush. Thats some powerful crushing!
3. I had a crush on a boy in 7th grade. Once again I must have looked like a love sick puppy because he and his friends exploited my feelings to humilate me in front of our entire class. My crush slipped me a typical middle school note professing to like me and asked me to meet at his locker. When I showed up he loudly mocked me for thinking the note was real. Creep.

There is more but my brain can't handle any more of my pre-teen foibles.

 

[Aspychata]

@Nairobi, Plenty of girls are boy crazy. No shame in that.

I used to try to write a diary when I was young too. I got really annoyed with myself for just having pre-teen thoughts and not having anything "great" to write about. But, you know, I did have real stuff to write about but I didn't know how to express these thing onto paper.
I wish I did though as it might help answer the question if my cptsd is a result of the trauma I experienced as a kid/teen, or if undiagnosed ASD resulted in communication/understanding difficulties that contributed to my cptsd. Chicken and egg.

Ok kids, I am going to confess a few of my own pre-teen dumb stuff just to commiserate with jleeb05.
1. I once rimmed my eyelids with blue permanent marker as a makeup alternative. (It was the 80s and bright blue was in)
2. I had a crush on my middle school gym teacher. Appearently I was quite obvious because when I ran into him 25 years later, he teased me about that crush. Thats some powerful crushing!
3. I had a crush on a boy in 7th grade. Once again I must have looked like a love sick puppy because he and his friends exploited my feelings to humilate me in front if our entire class. My crush slipped me a typical middle school note professing to like me and asked me to meet at his locker. When I showed up he loudly mocked me for thinking the note was real. Creep.

There is more but my brain can't handle any more of my pre-teen foibles.

We mature faster then boys. Lol They are wrapped up in their parts.

 

[ucrenegade]

never had a journal was always a guy guy not a whatever they call guys these days. I just wish I knew I had autism back then.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I want to forget my childhood. I felt judged all the time and in elementary school, I did not understand how I was different from other children, and many times cried myself to sleep. Things only got worse entering HS after we moved to a different city and I had no history with the other kids.

I hate reminders of those years, like having a friend who is a teacher, and in her empty social talk would praise her students. We were kayaking on a river yesterday when she did that and I felt like drowning her to shut her up. Despite my hard work, I never had any teacher speak positively about me and they studiously ignored my isolation.

 

[Suzanne]

Makes me wish I had kept a journal, because although my memory is pretty good on past events; clearly not on a day to day basis. However, from my memory, perhaps I would dread reading my journal from childhood.

I wish I had known in my childhood, what I know now as an adult, for I believe, I would have found a bit of peace as a child and perhaps not have floundered so much, growing up.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

But it helps that in either middle or high school our teachers had us write a future letter to ourselves - and one of the things my younger self had asked my older self was to not judge her. So that was a good reminder. And I truly know I was doing the best that I could - I have no doubt about my efforts.

I detest my teachers. Nobody in authority, neither teachers, my parents, nor other adults, bothered to see or mitigate my isolation.

 

[jleeb05]

So I would cut yourself some slack. No one becomes a Jedi overnight.

I love this. I'm going to have to use that and agreed. I was walking around at 12 thinking I was Obi-Wan Kenobi...little did I know how much I had to learn

3. I had a crush on a boy in 7th grade. Once again I must have looked like a love sick puppy because he and his friends exploited my feelings to humilate me in front of our entire class. My crush slipped me a typical middle school note professing to like me and asked me to meet at his locker. When I showed up he loudly mocked me for thinking the note was real. Creep.

Wow, I wasn't going to share this story but this is actually similar to my experience in 8th grade. It was my first year at this really "prestigious" school in my hometown. I was already struggling socially and academically because I was not used to being challenged academically and most kids started there in 7th grade so they already knew each other. This kid in one of my classes, Austin, pretended to like me. He was popular and gorgeous. I couldn't understand why he'd be into an awkward, shy kid like me so I wrote him a note, in which I basically begged him to stop now if it was a joke and that I would still be his friend. Austin insisted that he really did like me. In fact, he was in love with me...of course, after weeks of leading me on, it became clear even to me, that it was all just a big joke that the whole class was in on.

I was humiliated and as a result of dealing with all this, I failed a bunch of my classes and had to leave the "prestigious" school. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, Austin ended up at my new school as well. He bullied and even threatened to kill me. Of course, probably because I had ASD, I handled it very poorly. I became obsessed with him. I had strong feelings of "love" and "hate" for him. I both detested and craved his attention. I would glare at him and make sure I was in his line of sight at lunch, to hopefully make him as uncomfortable as he had made me.

I kept a meticulous log of every interaction we had and then presented it to the school administrators in hopes that they would help me...and they pounced. I'll never forget when they brought us both to the Principal's office. The Teacher's Assistant commented on Austin's "beautiful eyes." I felt so ugly and unseen at that moment. Then the Principal accused me of making everything up to frame Austin, of harassing and bullying him, etc. They asked me whether I was on medication and threatened to send police to my house, all while Austin was sitting there watching with a smug look on his face. Then they stupidly sat us both outside the Principal's office where he continued to taunt me ("I know you love me"; "I have a girlfriend and we have sex"; "You're weird and wear funny clothes," etc.)

Anyway, they eventually exiled me to a program for troubled kids for two months. I was then charged with stalking Austin. Classic victim-blaming but I think as an awkward, weird kid I was an easy target.

Thankfully, there is a happy ending, at least to that saga. The charges were eventually dropped. I think partly because the school administrators realized they had screwed up, I was able to return to the "prestigious" school where I eventually graduated with a 3.97 GPA (no more failed classes). Austin actually attended our prom and 10-year class reunion despite the fact that he didn't graduate from the "prestigious" school and never returned after being kicked out in the 8th grade. I think him seeing me at the reunion, and knowing that I had succeeded there and gone on to become an attorney (partly due to this experience), is the closest thing to revenge I'll get. I so much wanted to give him tell him exactly what I thought of him but when our eyes met I just nodded, smiled, and walked away.

 

[jleeb05]

I detest my teachers. Nobody in authority, neither teachers, my parents, nor other adults, bothered to see or mitigate my isolation.

Yep. That's kind of what I talk about above. When I went to my school for help, they attacked and blamed me. I love my Mom but I felt that she didn't advocate for me as much as she could have because she saw me as partly responsible. In some ways, I think it was a positive experience because that's when I stopped waiting for a savior and decided I would have to be my own "knight in shining armor."

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I love this. I'm going to have to use that and agreed. I was walking around at 12 thinking I was Obi-Wan Kenobi...little did I know how much I had to learn


Wow, I wasn't going to share this story but this is actually similar to my experience in 8th grade. It was my first year at this really "prestigious" school in my hometown. I was already struggling socially and academically because I was not used to being challenged academically and most kids started there in 7th grade so they already knew each other. This kid in one of my classes, Austin, pretended to like me. He was popular and gorgeous. I couldn't understand why he'd be into an awkward, shy kid like me so I wrote him a note, in which I basically begged him to stop now if it was a joke and that I would still be his friend. Austin insisted that he really did like me. In fact, he was in love with me...of course, after weeks of leading me on, it became clear even to me, that it was all just a big joke that the whole class was in on.

I was humiliated and as a result of dealing with all this, I failed a bunch of my classes and had to leave the "prestigious" school. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, Austin ended up at my new school as well. He bullied and even threatened to kill me. Of course, probably because I had ASD, I handled it very poorly. I became obsessed with him. I had strong feelings of "love" and "hate" for him. I both detested and craved his attention. I would glare at him and make sure I was in his line of sight at lunch, to hopefully make him as uncomfortable as he had made me.

I kept a meticulous log of every interaction we had and then presented it to the school administrators in hopes that they would help me...and they pounced. I'll never forget when they brought us both to the Principal's office. The Teacher's Assistant commented on Austin's "beautiful eyes." I felt so ugly and unseen at that moment. Then the Principal accused me of making everything up to frame Austin, of harassing and bullying him, etc. They asked me whether I was on medication and threatened to send police to my house, all while Austin was sitting there watching with a smug look on his face. Then they stupidly sat us both outside the Principal's office where he continued to taunt me ("I know you love me"; "I have a girlfriend and we have sex"; "You're weird and wear funny clothes," etc.)

Anyway, they eventually exiled me to a program for troubled kids for two months. I was then charged with stalking Austin. Classic victim-blaming but I think as an awkward, weird kid I was an easy target.

Thankfully, there is a happy ending, at least to that saga. The charges were eventually dropped. I think partly because the school administrators realized they had screwed up, I was able to return to the "prestigious" school where I eventually graduated with a 3.97 GPA (no more failed classes). Austin actually attended our prom and 10-year class reunion despite the fact that he didn't graduate from the "prestigious" school and never returned after being kicked out in the 8th grade. I think him seeing me at the reunion, and knowing that I had succeeded there and gone on to become an attorney (partly due to this experience), is the closest thing to revenge I'll get. I so much wanted to give him tell him exactly what I thought of him but when our eyes met I just nodded, smiled, and walked away.

My heart goes out to you. I was not mistreated as you were, but was constantly mocked for my interests and never had the self concept to fight back. It was a close thing, though, as I was adept at high explosives (making a stable Xe-based explosive), and my mind started to turn towards destruction, but instead I internalized a hatred of myself.

 

[Aspychata]

I love this. I'm going to have to use that and agreed. I was walking around at 12 thinking I was Obi-Wan Kenobi...little did I know how much I had to learn


Wow, I wasn't going to share this story but this is actually similar to my experience in 8th grade. It was my first year at this really "prestigious" school in my hometown. I was already struggling socially and academically because I was not used to being challenged academically and most kids started there in 7th grade so they already knew each other. This kid in one of my classes, Austin, pretended to like me. He was popular and gorgeous. I couldn't understand why he'd be into an awkward, shy kid like me so I wrote him a note, in which I basically begged him to stop now if it was a joke and that I would still be his friend. Austin insisted that he really did like me. In fact, he was in love with me...of course, after weeks of leading me on, it became clear even to me, that it was all just a big joke that the whole class was in on.

I was humiliated and as a result of dealing with all this, I failed a bunch of my classes and had to leave the "prestigious" school. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, Austin ended up at my new school as well. He bullied and even threatened to kill me. Of course, probably because I had ASD, I handled it very poorly. I became obsessed with him. I had strong feelings of "love" and "hate" for him. I both detested and craved his attention. I would glare at him and make sure I was in his line of sight at lunch, to hopefully make him as uncomfortable as he had made me.

I kept a meticulous log of every interaction we had and then presented it to the school administrators in hopes that they would help me...and they pounced. I'll never forget when they brought us both to the Principal's office. The Teacher's Assistant commented on Austin's "beautiful eyes." I felt so ugly and unseen at that moment. Then the Principal accused me of making everything up to frame Austin, of harassing and bullying him, etc. They asked me whether I was on medication and threatened to send police to my house, all while Austin was sitting there watching with a smug look on his face. Then they stupidly sat us both outside the Principal's office where he continued to taunt me ("I know you love me"; "I have a girlfriend and we have sex"; "You're weird and wear funny clothes," etc.)

Anyway, they eventually exiled me to a program for troubled kids for two months. I was then charged with stalking Austin. Classic victim-blaming but I think as an awkward, weird kid I was an easy target.

Thankfully, there is a happy ending, at least to that saga. The charges were eventually dropped. I think partly because the school administrators realized they had screwed up, I was able to return to the "prestigious" school where I eventually graduated with a 3.97 GPA (no more failed classes). Austin actually attended our prom and 10-year class reunion despite the fact that he didn't graduate from the "prestigious" school and never returned after being kicked out in the 8th grade. I think him seeing me at the reunion, and knowing that I had succeeded there and gone on to become an attorney (partly due to this experience), is the closest thing to revenge I'll get. I so much wanted to give him tell him exactly what I thought of him but when our eyes met I just nodded, smiled, and walked away.

Very emotional story☺

 

[Suzette]

Oh wow. I think we all had similar experiences in different ways.
jleeb05, my brother was my tormentor. He also would get me in trouble with my mother and then act smug about it. Quite narcississtic behavior. Thankfully he did mature but I have discovered that he shares many if my cptsd symptoms. If he hadn't been such an @$$hole we might have supported one another.

@ Gerald Wilgus, there is a spot that still exists in my old high school. The carpet has been worn bare, by my butt, and many others since, because we sat in that spot everyday with our noses in books. I had a very small highschool but no one reached out to me either.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I stopped waiting for a savior and decided I would have to be my own "knight in shining armor."

That was so hard for me. At 26, and even with successes in basic research, I was at a very low point, and as I pointed out in other discussions, I had to rebuild myself, learning positive internal messages until I could gain my own agency.

But now, @Suzette, nearly a half century later the CPTSD has come to plague me and I have started therapy.