How to know if my aspie fwb wants more?

[Mai95]

Hi all,
I'm an NT for the most part (never been tested and have a history of aspergers/autism plus some mild tendencies I've noticed in myself, so could be either way). I have a friend (with high-functioning aspergers or autism, not 100% sure) whom I play in a music group with, who I've had a flirtation and occasional FWB situation with for about 6 years now. We'be both had other relationships here and there, and have a significant age difference that meant keeping our involvement under wraps for most of those years. I've always had strong feelings for him, but our friendship has been tumultuous. I recently found out that he has aspergers, from a friend of his mother's, and realize that most of what stopped me from wanting it to go further stemmed from not understanding his behaviour. My issue is that I don't know what he feels for me. Any insight? Would it be likely that after 6 years he would have already said he wanted more if he did?

 

[nyxjord]

Not necessarily. Especially if he thinks that he'll lose what he currently has with you if he were mention any feelings he may have. Has he ever made any indication that he may have feelings? Or even better, how did your fwb relationship start? That would give me a better idea of your dynamic.

 

[Mai95]

Not necessarily. Especially if he thinks that he'll lose what he currently has with you if he were mention any feelings he may have. Has he ever made any indication that he may have feelings? Or even better, how did your fwb relationship start? That would give me a better idea of your dynamic.

Well, we flirted physically right from the start, and it progressed the first time we went on a tour and found ourselves alone together (about 3 years in). He has made some indications, such as teasing (he has a nickname for me as a result of a long-running joke between us), buying my favorite desserts, mild jealousy of other guys that have flirted with me, etc. On the other hand, he has had relationships while we weren't involved that he was more outwardly serious about. That could be in part due to wanting to keep our involvement under wraps, but makes me think maybe he isn't interested in me romantically. It's just that it's been so long now, it's stopped being as casual to me.

 

[RidingDutchman]

It might be blunt to say it like this but the only way you can know is to ask him.

Nobody can know what he thinks/feels and especially not people from a forum, we don't know him etc.

One thing I want to add, the fact that he has aspergers really doesn't change anything about it, aspie or NT doesn't make it more or less likely that he does/doesn't want to do more.

My advice: talk to him about it, he might be reluctant to bring it up as to not ruin things, or want to keep it like this. Only he knows

 

[royinpink]

Hmm...aspie guys are notorious for having trouble with commitment and labels (at least if Rudy Simone's respondents are representative, though there are always exceptions). In my experience, this has been (to my surprise) due to 1) bad experiences in the past 2) emotional overload/overwhelm 3) difficulty coping with change and 4) related to #2, what Donna Williams calls 'exposure anxiety'. It wasn't, as it might look, wanting to 'play the field' or not valuing me romantically.

So from my limited experience (aspies/auties really vary with how much emotional information they can process and whether they enjoy their intense emotions or avoid them like the plague--so use your knowledge of him to guide you there), I would say that while other commenters are right that only he knows, it is possible that you may have difficulty getting a straight answer from him and approaching it directly may cause him to flee. So find a way to make it low-key, but stand your ground if your feelings are making a fwb situation unfulfilling for you, because that will only get worse.

This is challenging. And depending on the aspie, you may get one who is very literal and needs things more direct, or one who is absolutely terrified of direct expression of emotion...or both. So it can be a bit contradictory, trying to make yourself clear yet not overwhelm him. Things like "We need to talk" are probably too intimidating. Text-based communication can help (SMS, email, etc.). Sometimes talking about a hypothetical or even metaphorical situation first can get him to talk about how he sees it playing out before the 'scary' step of applying it to himself (obviously that depends a lot on the aspie, as some of us are quite notoriously bad with metaphors).

I am hoping your guy doesn't have so much of the exposure anxiety type behaviors, because they are really hard to decipher, especially if you don't struggle with similar anxiety and overload issues yourself. Just from knowing he's had other relationships, I'm guessing this isn't so much of an issue for him. But most people on the spectrum struggle to some degree with anxiety and overload, so it's still a good idea not to be too confrontational and to give him time to process and come to a decision on his own, without pressure.

But if you really want to pursue a relationship, again, stand firm on that and stop the fwb situation until you can reach an understanding, because if he can avoid making a change/decision/commitment, he probably will. It's so hard to give good advice not knowing much about your guy. All aspies are different. Some have no problem having multiple partners or even enjoying 'the chase' while others are too anxious to even approach a girl/guy, and still others are asexual. Best of luck!

 

[Maelstrom]

"Mai95, post: 249475, member: 13923"]Well, we flirted physically right from the start, and it progressed the first time we went on a tour and found ourselves alone together (about 3 years in). He has made some indications, such as teasing (he has a nickname for me as a result of a long-running joke between us), buying my favorite desserts, mild jealousy of other guys that have flirted with me, etc. On the other hand, he has had relationships while we weren't involved that he was more outwardly serious about. That could be in part due to wanting to keep our involvement under wraps, but makes me think maybe he isn't interested in me romantically. It's just that it's been so long now, it's stopped being as casual to me.

If he is like me, assume nothing, some of us auties/aspies warm up, (slowly and move like glaciers), and we aren't always very good at being reciprocal on the expressions of love either.
But this has little bearing on the depth of feeling we have inside, I almost died when my ex bailed, she likely thought I didn't love her much, but on my side I was really trying very much in my own way, even if she couldn't see it. If he is giving you time he likely loves you...we don't suffer people much normally.
Why don't you watch some youtube clips with him on how to be more expressive on the love dating stuff, that is likely what you really want more of? We can learn to do that romantic stuff better with practice, well at least I'm trying to?

Good luck Mael

 

[tree]

Maybe this is somewhat on topic...
Or maybe it is isn't.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/a...-consensual-sex-comparing-making-cup-tea.html

 

[On the Inside]

I agree with all of what has been written in response so far. I would add that even if he did have deeper feelings and a desire to take things to another level, he would be willing to keep things as they are to avoid some other "negative" possibility. Trouble for you is, if you press him, he might close up, he might not. No way to know without asking. In any case, I think it would be beneficial for both of you to take that step (he likely won't) and then you can deal with the result. Either way, it sounds like you want things to change.

 

[Mai95]

Wow, so many responses, thanks everyone!
He definitely tends to avoid his stronger emotions, I've noticed that about various things. I suppose part of my reason for writing this is actually that I'm also frightened of our situation changing negatively, as much as I'd like it to change positively!
As for the comments about aspies that have casual/multiple relationships vs. those that don't.. There was one time we got drunk and slept together while he was seeing someone, and it obviously worried him, and he told me he had never cheated on anyone before. So he does seem to be alright with commitment. It could also be our age difference and the possible issues about revealing our involvement that's stopped him, since he also doesn't like conflict.
I will try casually bringing my interest in taking things further into the conversation, and see where it gets me...

 

[On the Inside]

Not to be a prude, but I don't see how getting drunk and sleeping with another person while seeing someone else shows that he's alright with commitment. I think he enjoys having multiple partners/no commitment. So ask him about it and clear things up.