How to be safe when meeting someone new.

[AprilR]

I am a very naive person i think. I grew up sheltered, and with little socialization.
When socializing especially with people i just met, i try to mirror them, and be as accomodating as possible. But i do not want to be treated like a doormat either.

Recently i met someone through a friend and dont know what to think of him. He and his extremely extroverted crazy friend wanted to take us to another city in the middle of the night. I was very stressed since i just met those people that night. My friend knows both of them and says they are nice people though. I said i had work tomorrow and did not want to go to another city. It is not normal to me. Anyway they brought me home and that is that.

I did not know what to think of the whole experience. The other guy seems quiet and i kind of liked him. He messaged me yesterday and we talked for a bit. But i still have that anxiety that i am going to be forced into situations that will make me feel uncomfortable. So i don't feel like talking to him either. I don't know what to think of him. I just wanted to share this in case anyone can relate. As a people pleaser and naive sort of person i am really scared of men. And i wanted to hear if anyone has any advice to be safe during meeting someone new, getting to know them and stuff. As a woman who cannot read social cues trusting someone is very hard

 

[Neonatal RRT]

1. Sometimes you do have to trust your gut on things. If it feels wrong, it probably is.
2. You are right to be concerned. Although the vast majority of men do have good intent, there are predators out there, charming, and willing to take advantage of your "agreeable" nature and not wanting to offend.
3. I don't think being scared of men is a healthy attitude, per se, but when in doubt, just ask clarifying questions to get a better sense of this other person. There's a balance. Men don't want to be feared by women. We have a difficult time enough trying to connect in meaningful ways without that going on.
4. Being strong and independent doesn't mean always having your walls up and being an "ice princess", but it does mean having enough self-respect and intelligence to pay attention to your surroundings and knowing when to be disagreeable.
5. Don't allow feelings of loneliness and desperation make you fall for the first guy to give you attention. You can choose and be a bit picky. There's a lot of people out there, and not everyone is going to be a good fit for you. You can let a few go.

 

[AprilR]

I don't have much of a gut feeling. I also cant differentiate well between romantic interest and friendship interest. I wish there were social intelligence classes for people like us, esp. Women. It does not help i live in a country where violence against women is very common

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I might add:
1. If you need that sense of "control" in order to feel safe in your surroundings, then YOU create that situation. You pick the time and place. In your case, don't be that person who is trying to please. Just be bold enough to say "I'd rather go here and at this time." If he gets his little panties in a bunch, then you know what kind of person he is, and you can kick him to the curb and move on. Most men are going to be happy to be with you wherever and whenever.

 

[1ForAll]

I think it would not be abnormal for most persons, much less just for an Autistic female, to have fear going with two new newer guys to some new city at night, if you did not really know these persons and know the intent behind the request. Those who do not fear such I would say are a bit naive and those are the ones taken advantage of if not harmed. If the request looks odd, regardless if a friend says they are decent persons, the chances are they would do even more strange things. Why take unnecessary risks for weird requests.

I am not saying they could not be harmless, but they certainly seem to lack judgment those two to think anyone they briefly met would feel comfortable doing that, regardless of gender or condition. I am fearless myself, for many things that does not involve full time employment around people, and I am a people pleaser in some ways too, but I would never think of doing something risky like that. Nope, not ever! I would need to know them first, need much details why the impatience to meet and why that specific request, etc.

Two guys, one girl. One is a crazy guy in ways. At night. New city. The op said she is naive Just met. ...Enough said. ..Run..

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I don't have much of a gut feeling. I also cant differentiate well between romantic interest and friendship interest. I wish there were social intelligence classes for people like us, esp. Women. It does not help i live in a country where violence against women is very common

It is similar with my wife and I. With me being the autistic, I just have to keep asking questions, because, like you suggest, "We aren't mind readers and we don't read all those little cues." I've known my wife for nearly 40 years now, and have zero clue what she is thinking or what her intentions are. I'm always in the dark. So, I have to ask.

 

[Judge]

Perhaps most important, you appear to be very much aware of your vulnerabilities. Which reflects that you are not as naive as you think. True, you must work on those same vulnerabilities in your own self-interest. Yet I think your ability to stick to your intuition and decline the invitation indicates that you are definitely working the issues.

How to be safe? Keep doing what you are doing.

If anything you just need more self-confidence to bolster your existing intuition that will serve you well. In essence, you're doing better than you think. Hang in there, it's apparent IMO that you are moving forward and not backwards.

And I agree, reading adults is not easy. In this world anyone can go from predator to friend or lover. Forcing us all (NT and ND alike) to be cautious over any new social contacts we encounter. It can be risky business, but I also don't believe that admitting as such is a bad thing.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think you not only did the right thing, but guys need to recognize that there are situations where women may have more to lose than they do. I gather from your continued stress about it that there was a little bit of attempted coercion. If that is the case then a nice person, like the one you have been speaking to, should have made sure you felt good about your decision when the incident was happening.

I lost most of myself trying to please people when I felt isolated. I finally recognized that such behavior was getting me nowhere. That realization plus other things in my life at the time made me recognize that I lacked my own agency and that was the beginning of my first bit of healing.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I don't have much of a gut feeling. I also cant differentiate well between romantic interest and friendship interest. I wish there were social intelligence classes for people like us, esp. Women. It does not help i live in a country where violence against women is very common

I have told some shy guys here to look for a shy woman to connect with. You seem like one and may appreciate the quirky, but good, values that shy men frequently develop. When I dated shy women, I was always rewarded with an interesting time together. That gave me the confidence to try for more connection as I was seeking a companion for my interests in outdoor recreation.

 

[Rodafina]

@AprilR
I think your instinct to not go somewhere in the middle of the night was very wise. You could get to know these people in a much safer situation, like during the daytime, and in a public space. Taking someone else's word that people are safe is not always a good idea. It's best to get your own read on the situation, even if it takes time.

I feel very much like you described sometimes, and I get confused between being safe and being paranoid. I'm much more comfortable going places and doing things on my own, than doing it with another person.

If I were you, I'd keep these basic principles in mind:

- Always beware if there are intoxicants involved. Even if you are not using anything that would impair your own judgment, if others are, it is best to be especially protective of yourself.

- Don't put yourself into situation that you can't get out of easily... for example being in someone's car far away from public transportation or cell service.

- Let others know what you are up to. This one is so hard for me because I am extremely private about where I go and what I do, but it is better to let someone know what your plans are.

- Protect yourself with pepper spray. Not sure if this is legal in your country, but it is helpful to have some and to know how to use it just in case.

- Do not feel badly about maintaining boundaries and fight the urge to be a people pleaser. This one is especially tough for me, but it is so important that we feel the right to protect ourselves and not go along with situations that are uncomfortable or potentially unsafe.

- Err on the side of caution. There are plenty of fun places to go and things to do where others are present. Even though many of us prefer a one to one connection, this can still happen in a public place or somewhere where there are trusted people around.

I'm glad you didn't go somewhere in the middle of the night. Even if it was fine, it is not a good thing to get used to. You made the right choice. Perhaps some really clear questions and conversation can help you understand what the guy's intentions are as far as building a friendship or romantic relationship goes.

 

[DaisyRose]

This is a little over the top, but I like to carry my knife or pepper spray with me. I carry my knife at all times even when I’m at work. I look like a child, so I have to be very cautious. The world is full of sick dangerous people and you have to be careful. Make sure to stay self aware in your surroundings and never be by yourself. Always have a friend with you. Never go anywhere at night as well.

 

[Rodafina]

I carry my knife at all times even when I’m at work.

Yes. Carry a knife and most importantly, learn how to use it. A couple of self-defense lessons can be a good idea, too.

 

[Aspychata]

First you need to have boundaries. If you just meet someone,never go far away with them. So many crime stories start out with, well my friend said they were cool, don't worry about them, then that female goes missing. Two men, one woman, not good. So nope, l wouldn't have gone with them. You made a excellent choice. We don't really know people, so you just take it slowly, one day, one month at a time meeting someone.

@Gerald Wilgus , l relate to his comments, because l use to be a people pleaser. I no longer do that. Boundaries are important, as a people pleaser, you have no boundaries. This puts your safety in jeopardy. But you handled this well @AprilR .

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

First you need to have boundaries. If you just meet someone,never go far away with them. So many crime stories start out with, well my friend said they were cool, don't worry about them, then that female goes missing. Two men, one woman, not good. So nope, l wouldn't have gone with them. You made a excellent choice. We don't really know people, so you just take it slowly, one day, one month at a time meeting someone.

@Gerald Wilgus , l relate to his comments, because l use to be a people pleaser. I no longer do that. Boundaries are important, as a people pleaser, you have no boundaries. This puts your safety in jeopardy. But you handled this well @AprilR .

I agree wholeheartedly to have some self-protecting boundaries with people you just met. My future spouse and I went on a long trip together when we just met, but we discussed this frequently and had the goal of enjoying a specific activity. We were communicating and planning very well and had become friends even before meeting IRL. Little did I know that the friendship would blossom into a loving relationship.

 

[AprilR]

Thank you everyone for your advice. This might be a bit contrary but I ended up going to a date with him today (in daytime) and he seems like a very quiet shy person as opposed to his friend.

I felt a bit awkward and shy too, and could not mask much even. I don't know if he is faking it but from what his friend told my friend he did not have many girlfriends in the past. I think i will try to get to know him for a while and see what kind of person he is for myself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you everyone for your advice. This might be a bit contrary but I ended up going to a date with him today (in daytime) and he seems like a very quiet shy person as opposed to his friend.

I felt a bit awkward and shy too, and could not mask much even. I don't know if he is faking it but from what his friend told my friend he did not have many girlfriends in the past. I think i will try to get to know him for a while and see what kind of person he is for myself.

I wish you all the best. I know about shyness and the anxiety that comes from that, but when I felt accepted that was when I was devoted to the person. Of course many dates led nowhere, but it taught me the valuable lesson of learning to recognize women who were accepting and had good values. I hope you will learn from this connection too.

 

[Rodafina]

This might be a bit contrary but I ended up going to a date with him today (in daytime) and he seems like a very quiet shy person as opposed to his friend.

Happy to hear this. I don’t think it’s contrary. It’s just the safe, pragmatic, and reasonable way to get to know someone that you are somewhat interested in.

Just because we have to look out for our safety and think these things through doesn’t mean we also want to be shut off from ever forming human connections with anyone.

Spending time together in the day and getting to know each other is awesome. I hope you had fun.

 

[Aspychata]

Went online after my divorce, and was to frighten to meet anyone. But l ended up chatting with a person for about a year and a half, then flew to meet them. I was still scared, but all ended well, and l am grateful for meeting this person.

 

[paloftoon]

Meet in public places only during the day until you feel comfortable. Realize that for certain things to build, at some point, you may need to "take a risk."
Also, realize that everyone's time threshold may be different. For me, it's 2 weeks online at the most because so many people play games and sometimes I wonder if half of the online profiles are real people.
I personally think it's healthy to use online as a positive tool to meet in-person and take it slow in-person if you want. Meeting in-person if feasible shows real interest and potential connection building. Too many people chat online only and it ends there. It can be kind of a waste of time and energy. The rejection makes me personally feel less of a human being if I spend too much time online. I already love electronics too much. So, for me, limiting my online threshold before escalating the level of communication is important for me.


The fact that the person you were dating was through a friend makes it a bit better. None of my own friends want to or have been able to set me up. Only one time did that happen and it was a pretty bad match up, and I'm not friends with that person anymore.


Being in a culture where women are not valued is tricky. The only thing I can think of for that is is that is that are you willing to date internationally or can you move to another country maybe?
Be open to 90 Day Fiancee show maybe if you think you can handle the stress from that kind of "opportunity" if you were to get it.

 

[AprilR]

Update: as usual, i initially liked him but he seems like an old fashioned and sexist guy. I don't feel safe with him and don't have any wish to contact him any longer