How doe you make your relationships work?!

[NiniS29]

Why is that important to address? Maybe at a later date you can talk about It. But it's not a life threatening thing so l dont understand why you want to discuss It. Do you want him discussing all your *stuff* because nobody is perfect. Why not love the great the good and maybe the not so perfect things about him. To me - a perfect being is boring and so predictable. In movies and stories- it's always the quirky people we are drawn to and want to know what happens next. Maybe you can have a code word for days he doesn't feel like touch. If he says that word, that's not the day to get touchy feely with him. Then he will feel like you respect and understand him. Just a thought.

That is quite a good idea. I didn’t say anything to him about but I thought I should adress at some point because of him obviously because he seems to feel uncomfortable and does it just for me for the sake of I see couples doe this so I know you expect it from me wich is not true. Especially not if I see that he is uncomfortable with just simply things.
I thought I should adress it at some point to take the pressure of him that I don’t expect things and I’m happy with what he gives me when he can.

just to make it for him More easy not torture him with what he thinks I want and he has to. But if it’s not a good idea I won’t say anything to it than . I’m way more patient now than I was because I understand what’s going on.

Befor I just thought he is being odd all of a sudden or hates me or is constantly angry at me about god knows what I did. Wash his stuff or change the place of his cereals used to be a big omg. And I didn’t get it. Also when he came home and he said to me. I can’t talk now I want to be left alone a bit because had a rough day. I did so but I didn’t understand it. Also was hard because in this flat was no door to close or room to retreat to and be alone was all open.


Now I could shake my head that it took me a year to get that he was not being odd just he had Aspergers and I’m very sorry for my behaviour at that time wich was more like don’t you want to be with me after years apart or why can’t we just goe out more and not be at home all the time.

i didn’t know he was struggling with the space with the closeness and no were to escape to recharge. It’s basically my fault because non of us knew what was wrong and the bad feelings got stronger from him..

 

[Aspychata]

You are doing great. Pat yourself on the back.☺

 

[NiniS29]

Why is that important to address? Maybe at a later date you can talk about It. But it's not a life threatening thing so l dont understand why you want to discuss It. Do you want him discussing all your *stuff* because nobody is perfect. Why not love the great the good and maybe the not so perfect things about him. To me - a perfect being is boring and so predictable. In movies and stories- it's always the quirky people we are drawn to and want to know what happens next. Maybe you can have a code word for days he doesn't feel like touch. If he says that word, that's not the day to get touchy feely with him. Then he will feel like you respect and understand him. Just a thought.

Plus also a save word would make sense and would be good if he accepts that this feelings come from autism. So the point is he is not ready to accept that what he clearly is and his words were whatever you call it it’s me and my brain who always Ben like that. I’m not sick (wich i never said by the way directly just told his mum about my concern after his massive meltdown that I think he needs a check up or such because he seems to be not ok because if what happens constantly and here response was to tell him I said he is sick in the brain and is autistic wich I never said that way) so he has something against that idea of autism and I never did adress my thought clearly to him aether.

basically it’s was him who gave me the hint what’s wrong because one day when we did a walk he told me 4 people at work told him he must be autistic and have Asperger can you believe that he said it’s so not true I’m not stupid or sick in my brain was his response.

and than it’s started all to make sense to me. Those weird meltdowns and stuff all of it.

but to this day he doesn’t want to talk about or maybe he knows I don’t know because somehow he seemd changed a bit and More concernd that stuff happens.
So you see safe word for something that doesn’t exist in his mind is useless

 

[Aspychata]

Good point but you don't need to tie a safe code word to Autistim- you just say hey if you don't feel touchy touchy just say something like (pants on fire) lol. You will both laugh when he says it and you are dealing with his issue BUT not labeling it per se.
I totally get this, l have a friend who refuses the label also and she has ADHD which is quite probable being on the spectrum. I mean she won't even consider it but she fits all the symptoms.
Plus he probably wants you to see him as the great guy he is and not a label. Good luck to you.

 

[NiniS29]

Good point but you don't need to tie a safe code word to Autistim- you just say hey if you don't feel touchy touchy just say something like (pants on fire) lol. You will both laugh when he says it and you are dealing with his issue BUT not labeling it per se.
I totally get this, l have a friend who refuses the label also and she has ADHD which is quite probable being on the spectrum. I mean she won't even consider it but she fits all the symptoms.
Plus he probably wants you to see him as the great guy he is and not a label. Good luck to you.

Thank you. I’m sure he thinks the same way around the autism stuff. . He doesn’t like labels and he really is always there for me in wich way he ever can or remembers things or helps first thing. So he is a great guy and I told him that I wish he could see himself that way because he once said why you even with me i don’t know what is so great at all. Wich is said he thinks that way but he doesn’t need to change or hide .

i would be happy if he just is happy and comfortable around me and just is his quirky funny selfie wich I love about him in the first place. I never forget the smile he had the first time I met him he was the most honest person I ever met who took me as I was back than. And I didn’t have to change for someone or pretend to be someone I’m not like I had to in my last relationship wich was a disaster. And I’m super grateful and happy to be with him .

I will try it with a safe word and also I consider yours he would totally love that one . I’m sure he is a funny chap.

Even he is away now he message me as soon he wakes up to let me know he is ok. Wich makes me happy that he never forgets about me even when he focuses the rest of the day on his music work. Wich i would never interrupt now or would annoy him to write me all day.

tahnks a lot for everything

 

[onlything]

Since he is so anxious at the moment, you should probably give him some space, be patient and wait for him to relax. You definitely mean well but sometimes it's better let some not so important issues rest for a time, especially during difficult times. If you push too much, you'll scare him off.

It sounds a bit like you're trying to 'fix' him. You won't be able to. It may be easier for him to proceed if you're considerate of his needs but he has to 'fix' himself.

Anyway, good luck.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi glad you have found a special person, however my advice is please don't lose you and spend a huge amount of energy in understanding he's "different way of percieving the world if you loose touch with your fundamental values and beliefs in what makes you happy and fulfilled, whist fundamentals you are ok within yourself and general well being great, however if you sence a inability due to varied factors to share dreams, comfort and hey yes fun take this very seriously, as a person who cares less or has a inability to work with you for it to be a happy balanced relationship could prove difficult.

 

[NiniS29]

Hi glad you have found a special person, however my advice is please don't lose you and spend a huge amount of energy in understanding he's "different way of percieving the world if you loose touch with your fundamental values and beliefs in what makes you happy and fulfilled, whist fundamentals you are ok within yourself and general well being great, however if you sence a inability due to varied factors to share dreams, comfort and hey yes fun take this very seriously, as a person who cares less or has a inability to work with you for it to be a happy balanced relationship could prove difficult.

Thank you very much and your right. But sometimes like today I feel like something is missing and I don’t know . Like is he even thinking of me. At the moment he is super mega focused on music and producing and he didn’t talk much. He just said it after I asked why he doesn’t reply like usually . He would at least message me when he is up but now. Half day nothingness .
Until he said he works so much on production and publishing and all the interview stuff and normal work aswell that he things that is quite enough and I should give him time that he will come back at me when he can proper answer me and talk. Well I understand all that I’m not a clingy person but I also felt hurt because I understood that don’t you think all this things and work is quite enough like you are another piece of work and I have no time for you that’s what it sounded and I’m hurt a bit. But don’t know how to say it to make Him understand.
I understand that he is busy and by all means I give him all the space but I feel sometimes in his world only his hoppy and the 3 people who share it with are all he cares of. And I’m left alone sometimes also we are long distance at the moment and it makes it very hard for me. i just don’t know how I feel or what I should do

 

[Giraffes]

Do what makes you happy and feel secure, i know talk and advice is easy to give and self esteem and regard is hard to do but hey risk a change in attitude and if this person is unable to adjust, ask if this is my worth. Hope this helps and if not hey it's only words.

 

[Aspychata]

The balance in relationships if they are friendships or more serious - it's still hard to figure out what is normal or not. So your normal maybe different then his normal.
So maybe he doesn't think he has to touch bases with you as much as you think he should.
However, if you are needy emotionally then he may not get that and there lies the disconnect. You may need to possibly talk about it. We all have different ideas what our relationships should mirror based on our perceptions or misconceptions. Sometimes they jive or jell with the other involved party, sometimes they don't!

 

[Giraffes]

True Aspychata the balance between need and affirmation is a variable.

 

[NiniS29]

The balance in relationships if they are friendships or more serious - it's still hard to figure out what is normal or not. So your normal maybe different then his normal.
So maybe he doesn't think he has to touch bases with you as much as you think he should.
However, if you are needy emotionally then he may not get that and there lies the disconnect. You may need to possibly talk about it. We all have different ideas what our relationships should mirror based on our perceptions or misconceptions. Sometimes they jive or jell with the other involved party, sometimes they don't!

That is the point and the problem . I just want him to say hello so I know he is ok even when he is busy. But he doesn’t understand especially when he is busy he gets confused but he is trying . My ideal might not be what he gets and I should also tell him that I don’t mean I want to talk all the time just know that he is fine. And I’m happy than.

I might have to explain not make assumptions against him. That is probably the mistake thank you all