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How doe you make your relationships work?!

NiniS29

Active Member
A hello to everyone since I’m new to this whole situation and still in the struggle with the autism of my partner. I was looking for advice or experience in relationships.


Since only thing I ever hear is run as fast as you can as far. But how doe you both maintain the relationships with respect and mutual understanding between you and your partner. How can you support them .

for me ist new since he is still struggling with the Asperger diagnosis and the autism thing and still thinks it’s just a phase of his mood and certain things keep happen wich frazzle or confuse him.

Can the relationship work if both are willing to give there best. And how to support them the right way when they struggle and are unsure or not willing to accept the situation but know that something is not right and get anxious about everything.


I would love some insights or experiences or advice how you guys get along in day to doe live or moving in with each other.

also when it’s hard for one to understand feelings or certain situation and how you explain to your partner how you see or feel things without overwhelming them .

everything is appreciated and thank you all very much for the help


And I would be happy or appreciate if you share any experience or advice along the way.
 
Lots and lots of communication. Establishing what works for you both, establishing personal boundaries and trying to find a middle ground which will make both of you happy.
 
There are many, many threads on this forum related to your questions NiniS29. It might help if you begin reading in this area: Love, Relationships and Dating

There are hundreds of threads that may help you in your relationship with your partner. For both of you, it's a figuring out of the best ways to help one another, and understand.
 
I can advise three things.

1. Open communication.

Never keep any perceived issues to yourself. Always talk them out and if you can't describe what you feel in the moment (or he shuts down during confrontation), make sure to write the feelings down and in this way exchange information.

2. Educate yourself on autism and help him understand your own neurotype.

We're different. We have our own quirks and ways of perceiving things, you have your own. Be open about them and teach each other.

3. Stay realistic, patient and be ready to compromise.

We may care about 'our' people in a different way. Less 'touchy', more towards 'doing something' for the person. For example, he may not hug you or hold your hands as much as you'd expect from a partner - you need to speak about it and stay realistic about your expectations. Don't expect to 'change him'.
He may also not speak 'I love you' as often. I used to have this 'problem'. I would say it once and never repeat it again because it would become obvious - to me at least. I use it more often now because it makes my people feel good.

Also, he may forget about you at times. We have a strong focus, a need to work on something specific from time to time and a need for space. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore, it may just mean he's busy with other things.

You can find more around the forum.

One more thing: one autistic person is just that, one autistic person. That's why it's called a spectrum. He may be completely different than any of us on the forum.
 
I can advise three things.

1. Open communication.

Never keep any perceived issues to yourself. Always talk them out and if you can't describe what you feel in the moment (or he shuts down during confrontation), make sure to write the feelings down and in this way exchange information.

2. Educate yourself on autism and help him understand your own neurotype.

We're different. We have our own quirks and ways of perceiving things, you have your own. Be open about them and teach each other.

3. Stay realistic, patient and be ready to compromise.

We may care about 'our' people in a different way. Less 'touchy', more towards 'doing something' for the person. For example, he may not hug you or hold your hands as much as you'd expect from a partner - you need to speak about it and stay realistic about your expectations. Don't expect to 'change him'.
He may also not speak 'I love you' as often. I used to have this 'problem'. I would say it once and never repeat it again because it would become obvious - to me at least. I use it more often now because it makes my people feel good.

Also, he may forget about you at times. We have a strong focus, a need to work on something specific from time to time and a need for space. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore, it may just mean he's busy with other things.

You can find more around the forum.

One more thing: one autistic person is just that, one autistic person. That's why it's called a spectrum. He may be completely different than any of us on the forum.


thank you very much what you said seems very fitting thought.

i once made the mistake in the past you know when there is a issue and I swallowed All the feelings to a point where I said it out and it ended in a overload . Wich i didn’t understand back than.


You are right with the writing because I noticed he needs time to think about it and clear words to understand.

also he seems not to really like hold hands and such wich I noticed but when we walk and he looks at others around I noticed it he grasps my hand of a sudden for a short moment and let’s goe again pretty soon. I know he must feel uncomfortable with touch now recently but be also doesn’t want to say it wich breaks my heart see him so torn between.


It seems hard for him to process emotions when I try to explain me now. But I understand him more and ways he shows me that he cares by doing stuff for me when I mention things or remember little things I like . He amazes me a lot when I really begin to thing about the way he is and he is trying his best in also showing me that he cares


I should have Ben more understanding befor and try to see it from his perspective but the crazy way we got told relationships should be mostly makes it hard to see reality and clouds our few.

I also know now when he does his stuff not to be upset or bothered because if he is busy I give him space for his interest or work he always comes back to me a day later with what I said befor and never forgets it . I’m very happy when he can freely enjoy his stuff and is in a good mood and place.


Thank you very much for your advice . It’s a very true one and
 
Apparently I don't have the answers on "do's". I've learned a lot of "don'ts" though.
 
Apparently I don't have the answers on "do's". I've learned a lot of "don'ts" though.


Also that is important I have a lot of don’ts I care across what I did and now I could shake my head because I didn’t think sooner or it would have spared us both so much pain.
 
Relationships are incredibly complex and unique. What may work for one couple would send the next couple to seperate countries. Relationships to me are about exploring yourself and your close one's emotions and expections and tolerance levels. So without communication- you cannot move forward no matter how compatible you are. Again, relationships are fluid, you hope that you both evolve and become more emotionally mature within yourself and as a couple. This doesn't happen immedately, there is no magical number, or manual to follow. You each bring baggage and preconceived notions of how you think the relationship should feel and progress, and even that bias can exist for many different reasons. So it's best to just enjoy and not be critical but to accept the great, the good, the mediocre, and even a few shortcomings - this is true maturity.
Sit down and talk about things- the good things, sometimes as maintenance, you may need to discuss things that need to be addressed, that's OKAY too.
 
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If you tried explaining something and it didn't get across to them, use different words, think of another way to explain it until they understand. This is also a writing exercise but is very useful in communication. Then you can ask them to tell you what they think you said. If they got it - great. If you feel they didn't get it- say- Wait- let me rephrase this so that you understand what it is that l am trying to say.
 
also he seems not to really like hold hands and such wich I noticed but when we walk and he looks at others around I noticed it he grasps my hand of a sudden for a short moment and let’s goe again pretty soon. I know he must feel uncomfortable with touch now recently but be also doesn’t want to say it wich breaks my heart see him so torn between.


It seems hard for him to process emotions when I try to explain me now. But I understand him more and ways he shows me that he cares by doing stuff for me when I mention things or remember little things I like . He amazes me a lot when I really begin to thing about the way he is and he is trying his best in also showing me that he cares

He may be self-conscious in public concerning your relationship of what is expected or have sensory sensitivities around the sense of touch - or both. For example, he may be quite sensitive to what his hands are touching, things like textures, humidity or temperature. Most of the time we may have some specific conditions we hate or love that can influence our behaviour quite a bit. For example, we can avoid wearing specific types of clothes because their texture can feel especially uncomfortable, itchy or painful.

You should speak of the touching, what you both expect and what you wish could happen.

You should keep also in mind that sensivities may differ from day to day and work around it. For example, when I have an especially 'I hate touch of any kind' day I wear a specific type of thin gloves to additionally limit the possibility of touching something unpleasant - and my friends know not to hug me on these days.

You will have to find ways of working things out through trial and error. It will depend highly on your effort and care.
 
Also it helps to place things in context when speaking to somebody. Ex.- you mentioned about relationships yesterday- and l would like to say- you do a great job in our relationship and you really listen to me so l was going to mention this now to see how you feel about this. I don't need an answer but if you wish to talk about it now or later l am here. So you have taken away alot of anxiety because you have set the tone, have told the listener it's about relationships what l am about to say and you included a complement (you really listen to me)- so this creates a favorable pause and helps the listener understand you aren't attacking them and hopefully opens the door to meaningful exchange.

My ex had horrible issues with money, and he would shut our conversations down. I had to wait for some time until he was comfortable enough to discuss money. But he came from poverty, and money was an issue of many fights between his parents. So l just waited some time (Maybe a year) and finally he realized we weren't fighting about money - just discussing it.

Alot of men have issues discussing relationships because of anxiety, parents who constantly fought, fear of failure, and you can't really do much except to step back and wait to see if they feel less threatened l guess.
 
Also it helps to place things in context when speaking to somebody. Ex.- you mentioned about relationships yesterday- and l would like to say- you do a great job in our relationship and you really listen to me so l was going to mention this now to see how you feel about this. I don't need an answer but if you wish to talk about it now or later l am here. So you have taken away alot of anxiety because you have set the tone, have told the listener it's about relationships what l am about to say and you included a complement (you really listen to me)- so this creates a favorable pause and helps the listener understand you aren't attacking them and hopefully opens the door to meaningful exchange.

My ex had horrible issues with money, and he would shut our conversations down. I had to wait for some time until he was comfortable enough to discuss money. But he came from poverty, and money was an issue of many fights between his parents. So l just waited some time (Maybe a year) and finally he realized we weren't fighting about money - just discussing it.

Alot of men have issues discussing relationships because of anxiety, parents who constantly fought, fear of failure, and you can't really do much except to step back and wait to see if they feel less threatened l guess.




That’s a great advice because I noticed a shut down when it comes to feeling or relationships ship stuff. He had two abusive once befor me aswell so he never lived with anyone and excepted the worst . And parents got divorced very young plus his dad left her mum alone with very young kids with literally no support. So that might be the point .


I still haven’t figured out how to talk to him about relationships stuff or when I’m trying to explain my feelings. Because he used to shut down mostly or ignore the talk. Befor now he said to me he can’t process those things and that the words or message make no sense to him . But now he is less shutting down instead he told me he can’t process or I should relax and not worry to much.

But when I was crying sometimes ago back than he gets frazzled and anxious and doesn’t know what to doe he hates it absolutely because he always thought he did something bad he always thinks in a way everyone is disappointed from him or is angry with him or it’s his fault. Wich is not true at all .
 
He may be self-conscious in public concerning your relationship of what is expected or have sensory sensitivities around the sense of touch - or both. For example, he may be quite sensitive to what his hands are touching, things like textures, humidity or temperature. Most of the time we may have some specific conditions we hate or love that can influence our behaviour quite a bit. For example, we can avoid wearing specific types of clothes because their texture can feel especially uncomfortable, itchy or painful.

You should speak of the touching, what you both expect and what you wish could happen.

You should keep also in mind that sensivities may differ from day to day and work around it. For example, when I have an especially 'I hate touch of any kind' day I wear a specific type of thin gloves to additionally limit the possibility of touching something unpleasant - and my friends know not to hug me on these days.

You will have to find ways of working things out through trial and error. It will depend highly on your effort and care.
He may be self-conscious in public concerning your relationship of what is expected or have sensory sensitivities around the sense of touch - or both. For example, he may be quite sensitive to what his hands are touching, things like textures, humidity or temperature. Most of the time we may have some specific conditions we hate or love that can influence our behaviour quite a bit. For example, we can avoid wearing specific types of clothes because their texture can feel especially uncomfortable, itchy or painful.

You should speak of the touching, what you both expect and what you wish could happen.

You should keep also in mind that sensivities may differ from day to day and work around it. For example, when I have an especially 'I hate touch of any kind' day I wear a specific type of thin gloves to additionally limit the possibility of touching something unpleasant - and my friends know not to hug me on these days.

You will have to find ways of working things out through trial and error. It will depend highly on your effort and care.



yea the touch thing have seemed to became worse since awhile at least I didn’t notice that it was that bad befor.
He really seems not comfortable mostly with it and for me it looks like he is ashamed to tell me wich also maked him freak out lately when it did. came to any intimacy and he got extremely anxious. But I noticed it and didn’t but him in any situations like this. I know what’s bothering him. But he doesn’t know I do or that I understand because he doesn’t seem to want to tell me that he doesn’t like touch instead of forcing himself wich I feel sad about. I wish he would just tell me I wouldn’t be mad about because inside I know and of course I did notice it soon after he changed. It feels like he is ashamed or such. I don’t know.

but it got worse over the last year wich I noticed and I didn’t see that kind of touch issues in him befor
 
yea the touch thing have seemed to became worse since awhile at least I didn’t notice that it was that bad befor.
He really seems not comfortable mostly with it and for me it looks like he is ashamed to tell me wich also maked him freak out lately when it did. came to any intimacy and he got extremely anxious. But I noticed it and didn’t but him in any situations like this. I know what’s bothering him. But he doesn’t know I do or that I understand because he doesn’t seem to want to tell me that he doesn’t like touch instead of forcing himself wich I feel sad about. I wish he would just tell me I wouldn’t be mad about because inside I know and of course I did notice it soon after he changed. It feels like he is ashamed or such. I don’t know.

but it got worse over the last year wich I noticed and I didn’t see that kind of touch issues in him befor

Could you maybe write a letter to him about it? Maybe it would help? You could start by saying that you care about him and wish to understand him more? Don't make it long, just a few short paragraphs, something to let him know without confrontation about the things you mentioned here?

It seems he is in quite a tough spot at the moment. I'm glad that you're willing to try to understand him and care for him but please make sure you don't deplete yourself while doing it.
 
Guess it's a lot of patience and waiting until they let go of some of the bias or luggage they brought to the relationship. We all do it to a certain extent, it's just being able to see outside of it and move on. Maybe mentioning that if you talk about relationship *things* you feel he gets upset easily and anxious. And talking about *stuff* helps keep the relationship healthy and honest and fulfilling. Some men can never fully grasp that communicating is a great and mature thing in a healthy relationship. You wouldn't be together if you didn't get along. They say money issues is the biggest problem in relationships but sometimes l think it's communication which is the root of a lot of issues. It's like the door opened at the horse track, but the horse can't leave. We have to discuss things- but we can't even start because we hold our self back by not talking.
 
Could you maybe write a letter to him about it? Maybe it would help? You could start by saying that you care about him and wish to understand him more? Don't make it long, just a few short paragraphs, something to let him know without confrontation about the things you mentioned here?

It seems he is in quite a tough spot at the moment. I'm glad that you're willing to try to understand him and care for him but please make sure you don't deplete yourself while doing it.


That is a good idea but the last time I tried to write him something he seemed to say he can’t process it and I’m made no sense to him. Wich made me also understand that the Most Time he just didn’t get me and miss understood it.
But also he seems to be ashamed about the touch stuff and gets anxious or such. And I feel like he doesn’t want to talk about it or try’s to pretend everything is ok.

I don’t know how to adress it. At the moment things make more sense to me an I clearly see where I made mistakes in the past because I just didn’t know it was Aspergers I always thought all of a sudden he doesn’t want to look at me or he doesn’t like me or such nonsense.
But now we seem to get along a bit better every day and I’m excited to spend some weeks with him in summer also now that I’m aware of everything I did wrong. .

might be able to make him more relaxed around me and not overwhelm or overload him and have a good time together so he enjoys us way more . Because the last time I saw him a month ago he said he actually enjoys me around and does want to be with me but at his pace and slowly to get used to each other in a better way because it was rushed befor into a space where there was no space. So I hope we can make it work in the future
 
Guess it's a lot of patience and waiting until they let go of some of the bias or luggage they brought to the relationship. We all do it to a certain extent, it's just being able to see outside of it and move on. Maybe mentioning that if you talk about relationship *things* you feel he gets upset easily and anxious. And talking about *stuff* helps keep the relationship healthy and honest and fulfilling. Some men can never fully grasp that communicating is a great and mature thing in a healthy relationship. You wouldn't be together if you didn't get along. They say money issues is the biggest problem in relationships but sometimes l think it's communication which is the root of a lot of issues. It's like the door opened at the horse track, but the horse can't leave. We have to discuss things- but we can't even start because we hold our self back by not talking.
That is such a great idea. Because I feel like he had some very bad past he couldn’t let goe. Because when he decided we should try to move together even he wasn’t sure because of the lack of space when it was time he freaked out and he screamed at me you will hurt me like my ex or when we move together everything will be gone and the relationship ruined.

Honestly he did change and the autism seemed to completely became the star of the relationship like more and more on display so much that he couldn’t control it anymore and freaked out or didn’t understand himself anymore so I had to pull a stop and he to for our both mental health and relationship. We doe love each other I can say definitely from my side he probably to but the whole situation seemed to be frightening and new and confusing for him and to quick to fast.



I can see he has some baggage also he doesn’t want to tell me certain things if it’s touch sensitivity or noise or light or even if he is overwhelmed but I notice those things now because I became used to him and know him so well so I can give him the space . But I would wish I could take the baggage of him of fear he has to tell me what bothers him or what he can’t doe or deal with.
It seems to him like a forbidden thing to say to me or something bad will happen if he admits that’s how it feels to me what he thinks . But I clearly see his struggle when we are together and he forces himself even when I don’t need this validation now since I know him and how he means things. I wish he would let goe
 
Truthfully- you need to be very patient. It's not a tv sitcom, everything will be resolved by next week. It sorta depends on his maturity and how motivated he is, and if you just back off. Give it time, give postive reinforcement when he does open up and maybe it will get easier. But the more you push somebody to do something - sometimes that has the opposite effect.
But it seems you are committed and slowly it seems to be getting better for you. Maybe focus on the good and not on *stuff*.
 
That is a good idea but the last time I tried to write him something he seemed to say he can’t process it and I’m made no sense to him. Wich made me also understand that the Most Time he just didn’t get me and miss understood it.
But also he seems to be ashamed about the touch stuff and gets anxious or such. And I feel like he doesn’t want to talk about it or try’s to pretend everything is ok.

I don’t know how to adress it. At the moment things make more sense to me an I clearly see where I made mistakes in the past because I just didn’t know it was Aspergers I always thought all of a sudden he doesn’t want to look at me or he doesn’t like me or such nonsense.
But now we seem to get along a bit better every day and I’m excited to spend some weeks with him in summer also now that I’m aware of everything I did wrong. .

might be able to make him more relaxed around me and not overwhelm or overload him and have a good time together so he enjoys us way more . Because the last time I saw him a month ago he said he actually enjoys me around and does want to be with me but at his pace and slowly to get used to each other in a better way because it was rushed befor into a space where there was no space. So I hope we can make it work in the future

Why is that important to address? Maybe at a later date you can talk about It. But it's not a life threatening thing so l dont understand why you want to discuss It. Do you want him discussing all your *stuff* because nobody is perfect. Why not love the great the good and maybe the not so perfect things about him. To me - a perfect being is boring and so predictable. In movies and stories- it's always the quirky people we are drawn to and want to know what happens next. Maybe you can have a code word for days he doesn't feel like touch. If he says that word, that's not the day to get touchy feely with him. Then he will feel like you respect and understand him. Just a thought.
 

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