How do you feel about having kids?

[Geordie]

I'm done after this it's very hard some days when I really can't handle conversations, but I have a very supportive husband and he knows when enough is enough and he will take over.

We'll all do our best to support you, here, on Aspies Central.

I also think your husband is really awesome! He has a heart for his children

 

[Acetic]

I would be surprised if i even get a girlfriend! Much less a wife. There's been a few girls that have approached me over the years but they all become disinterested as they got to know my boring personality. I feel i would make a good dad though, as i have always had a strong moral code and a good sense of right and wrong.

 

[umbrellabeach]

I never, ever want to have kids or even get married since living with other people, let alone trying to raise them, is incredibly difficult. My nephew (then 5) stayed with us for the first half of 2011 and it was horrible. Constant yelling, screaming and whining, no privacy whatsoever, and the simplest everyday tasks became a strenuous pain. He's a spoiled brat, and I know that not all kids are like that (my siblings and I were raised right so we never turned out like that), but I still never want to have any. I've known since I was a kid myself that having kids is not for me.

 

[Emz]

I have a young son. Although I love him and can't imagine life without him now, I have found motherhood very challenging. I have to make it a point to get some time to myself every day, and the days that I can't I usually have a meltdown. I feel bad that I can't always be there for him 100%. Having a child has put a strain on my relationship with his Dad who already had a hard time understanding my introverted ways. So I feel very alone trying to take care of this little person who needs me. I'm hoping it will get better as he gets older.

 

[imagesbyholly]

Having kids has been overwhealming and hard for me. We have four. I've often felt really bad for my kids. It has been hard and many meltdowns (for me!) My first was the hardest. After I had my second, life actually got easier- the oldest loved her little sister and they entertained eiachother. The third and fourth were also hard, but worth it. But I'm learning how to take care of myself so I can feel well more often, and the baby is nearly three. I've always been strict about whining and tantrums- NOT ALLOWED! And they are expected to obey me the first time I say it. I don't whine at them over and over to do something or stop doing something, and I never say, "Johnny, git over here now! Johnny! One..two...three." I'd prefer them to obey my gentle but firm commands, and for counting to always be a fun experience. We put a lot of emphasis on kind words, fun , and non- sarcastic laughter in this houseOf course, when they are very little they try tantrums, but we have that done with by just after 2, or nearly three for my youngest. I've been very involved raising them and helping them to avoid being overwhealmed, training them in positive responses BEfORE they have a problem, and trying to have tasks to assign to keep them from trouble. It's not perfect, I'm definately not, and my kids aren't either, but I really like my kids, and other people tell me all the time how good they are. I couldn't handle kids who weren't well behaved- the noise and chaos would drive me mad.

If I had known my problems had a name, and that people overwhealm me, I may have chosen not to marry or have children. But I'm very very glad I did! For us, it's not all hard times. I love it. And I've had "baby fever" since I was 17- that desperate longing some girls get. I wasn't stupid of course, I waited, but my husband and I married at 20 and got started right away.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

I find this thread a bit reassuring to be honest. My husband came home last night and declared he wanted to start trying for a baby now. We had been planning on it next year for a baby. I do worry about passing on my asperger's to any children I have. I had a rough time growing up because of it. Asperger's seems to run in my family as my family are fairly confident my dad has it and my brother. I would like to have an asperger's child though because we would think the same way which would make it easier on the two of us. I just don't want my child to go through life suffering from the bullying and stuff I had to go through. I still carry scars from it to this day.

I don't think I would like a child with full autism though. I think I will have enough trouble coping with a normal or asperger's child let alone full blown autism.

I guess though in modern society asperger's and autism is more accepted and schools are aware of it so they are bound to have strategies in place. I just don't want my children in that hell that I'm sure all of us have been through at one time or another. Kids can be cruel especially when they don't have parents who teach them to respect others.

I'm also worried about the intellectual capacity my children will probably have. My husband is very intelligent and because my asperger's I have a higher than average IQ as well. I know how I did in school. I hated it because I was so bored from lack of challenge and I think that affected me in later life because it taught me to act out and avoid work (that didn't help in uni). I also remember getting repeatedly punished for being off task. This was because I could finish a whole lesson's worth of work in ten minutes (well I would get so far then get bored) and after that what was left?

I guess my worries are more that I haven't had an easy life and I suffer every day from the after effects. I want children I just worry about bringing them into the world with asperger's and that they will suffer because of it.

 

[Frostee]

I know that a number of us on here are in various kinds of relationships and I'm curious on how you feel about having kids. Existing parents I'd love your feedback as well.

Personally I used to not want them- they're noisy, messy, and expensive. When I met my husband I started to come around to the idea a bit more, to the point where I *almost* want a couple. We'd both want two, we have almost identical child raising philosophies, and he'd be a fantastic dad. That stuff I'm not worried about. But, as they have a way of doing, things change. Since I've worked now with NT and ASD kids I've come to realize I'd have no idea how to raise an NT kid. I don't even particularly like them. I didn't grow up as one, if my kids aren't on the spectrum I don't think I'd be a very good mom to them. The poor things would probably end up with all my OCD behavior and no idea why! I did bond pretty closely with some of the ASD kids though and I can now understand why people can say they "love kids".

However in the last month my husband has started pushing me towards and old dream of mine to be an occupational therapist, a dream to which has been added a desire to work with special needs people again. So now I'm considering going back to school, and that has me reconsidering this all over again, because he's not exactly young and this would push our kid schedule back at least 3 years. We've done a lot of talking and figuring about how all the things we'd like out of life fit together and have a tentative time to have kids if we're going to. Yes, I'm a schedule person I can't help it! So I'm currently re-evaluating how I feel about the whole having kids thing and weighing it against my own personal dreams.

I'm sorry that was kind of rambly. I know this is something he and I have to figure out, I was just curious how some of my fellow aspies felt about reproducing.

(mods- I thought this probably fit best in the "family" category, feel free to move if it should be somewhere else.)

I'd like to have maybe one. But no more, I don't want a big family. As its too much money and too much work.

 

[Soup]

@Holly: I just re-read the posts in this thread (for some unknown reason) & yours (#25) reminded me of something: typically the tantrum phase ends as the kids become 3- 3 1/2 ish. They learn to delay gratification, they have more emotion words, they begin learning rudimentary empathy, they learn to use their words (now that they HAVE some!) instead of just going bananas. My son was a weird baby: he cried so seldom that I took him to the Dr to see if something was wrong! I knew that the lack of crying could be a sign of a number of nascent problems. Turned out nothing was wrong. When he got near 2-ish, I was ready for the 'terrible twos' tantrums & madness to begin: it never did! I actually thought I was out of the woods as he turned 4 then 5 & all seemed clear (fool that I was!!!).

Then, he turned 6 & BAM! He threw every tantrum he hadn't thrown when he had been little. He took to suddenly bolting away like a spooked horse & laughing wildly as he went. Little kids run like Kenyan Olympic sprinters! Those little legs can really move! there was no catching up to him. Fortunately, he never would run into the street, Once, he ran off & tried to leap into a city bus! When I asked him why he did that, he said that he'd decided to go to the ZOO! (the zoo is in Hemmingsford: 10 mins from the USA border & this was a down town bus). He was very impulsive. At the grocery store, he became a fruit, string cheese & yoghurt kleptomaniac. His hands were faster than Houdini's! Out his little hand would fly & before I could stop him, he'd stuffed something alarmingly large into his mouth.

The grade 1 teacher suggested that he might have ADHD although his grades were excellent (& this school taught in 4 languages!). I asked the teacher what degrees she had in child psych & what qualifications she had to proffer such a drastic diagnosis without a shred of qualifications & never having tested my child formally. In the mornings, I'd bring him to school dressed for the weather (hat, gloves, scarf, boots etc.) but by the time he was ready to come back home, there he was, with just an open jacket & his shoes!!!

Some other mother once brought in gloves & a hat for him because she'd assumed he was a poor kid who didn't have any of his own (!!!) I thanked the mother & showed her my son's locker & there, with the strings still on, were several pair of mittens, a few hats & scarves. By the time he turned 7 1/2-8, he was back to his calm steady self. My eyeballs continued to roll in opposing directions (like Cookie Monster's) until he turned 18, however.

 

[Kelly]

I always wanted to have children and when my husband and I first talked about it I said I wanted 3 he only wanted 1, we had our daughter the year after we got married and at the time because of such a traumatic birth / after care I agreed with him 1 was enough. Then by the time she was 2 I wanted another baby but he was adamant he only wanted 1 but as soon as she was walking, talking and more importantly away from him at pre-school he really really missed her and that opened him up to the idea of another baby because he loved that stage so much.

So when she started school we decided to have another baby, it will be 3 years in march and still no joy but I've just found out that it's probably because I have pcos (polycycstic ovaries for those that don't know what that is). I went to my doctor 2 years ago complaining that something was wrong and she just kept sending me for blood tests and wanted my husband to go for a sperm test. Even after I had an ultrasound and pcos was confirmed the doctor was all "has your husband been for the test yet?" and I got really angry and said to her "well my cycles have been crazy for years now, I came to you about this many times and now it's just been confirmed I have pcos I'm pretty sure THAT is why were having problems don't you?!" she soon shut up and prescribed me some medication for it.

@soup Kyoko was a really quiet baby, we were lucky she rarely cried and would wake twice during the night to be fed always the same times, around 1am my husband would get up and feed her and then around 5am I would get up and breast feed as soon as she'd had the milk she'd go straight back to sleep. We didn't have the terrible two's she was a wonderful baby and toddler, the only tantrum type problem we've had was a few months back when she became really angry, aggressive and violent, it turns out she was behaving like that so she could be like her friends. She wanted us to put her on a naughty step and / or smack her like her friends have done to them and because we are not like that she thought if she was really really naughty/hit/trashed the place that we would do it and she could be like everyone else. Once we explained to her that she doesn't HAVE to be like her friends (including the fact that I'm the only mum out of all her friends who sits and plays with their child every single day) it all stopped, but it was a couple of months of absolute hell for us because we couldn't understand why she had become so violent, it was such a relief when we got to the bottom of it.

I guess my worries are more that I haven't had an easy life and I suffer every day from the after effects. I want children I just worry about bringing them into the world with asperger's and that they will suffer because of it.

This is something that worries me daily, from the friends my daughter has to the way she is treated by teachers, I've been there done that and I know what it's like and how it affects you for the rest of your life. I just try to make sure my daughter doesn't go through the same stuff I did. For example she has one friend who sounds very manipulative and almost bully like (I had a "friend" like that) and so I've been making sure my daughter understands that she doesn't HAVE to do what her friends tell her, she doesn't HAVE to play with just 1 or 2 people if she doesn't want to, if someone is mean to her be mean back don't take no crap. I know it's not really right but school life is harsh and if you let people walk over you once they will keep doing it, so for example when someone has hit her I've told her to hit them back hard and THEN go squeal, because that way not only does the kid get in trouble but they also learn that she's not taking no crap from them she'll give as good as she gets.

I've taught her that it's okay to question adults because they are not always right, just because they are older does not mean they get a free pass to say or do what they like. So if she sees/hears/ is told something she thinks is wrong then she should question it not just accept it. I think her current teacher is a bit put out by that because Kyoko will stick up for herself or try to debate with the teacher wheras the other kids just do as they are told without question (as such we had an incident wherein her spelling test was marked wrong because she had not used a capital at the beginning and Kyoko argued that it was a spelling test not a grammar test).

Another example in year 1 (when she was 5) her teacher made her wear a wizard cape for a nativity play in which she was supposed to be a king. Kyoko quite rightly pointed out that she was supposed to be playing a king not a wizard and it was not an accurate costume (plus it itched her). She then insisted that she be a queen or a princess because a king is a boy and she is not a boy, the teacher told her that they were wise kings not queens and she pointed out that it was all a story anyway so what difference would it make whether she was a king, queen or a talking donkey. We ended up going in over that incident, the head teacher took our side and agreed with Kyoko that it was 'just a school play' and that it was not accurate not even by the story depicted in the bible so she went dressed as snow white (I believe they also had a football player, a fairy and an elf rapping some weird song). The year before the teacher was much more accomadating especially as Kyoko wanted to be in the play dressed as a monkey ('because we evolved from them' she stated at the time).

I just take each day as it comes really and deal with things as they happen, there's only so much we can do really and she has to fight alot of her own battles and make her own mistakes and learn from them.

Some things just happen as well seemingly out of the blue, like Kyoko has decided to be a vegetarian, she's toyed with this idea for over a year now, she doesn't like animals being hurt but she LOVES chicken so she just wasn't ready to give it up. Then she saw the film the fantastic mr fox at school and I don't know what is in that film (never seen it and I read the book when I was a kid so can't remember it) but it really upset her and she hasn't touched meat since. So now I have the challenge of finding lots of veggie meals for her, thankfully there is alot more choice now, she's really into veggie fingers, quorn meatballs and 'meat free' sausages so I can make things like spag bol with quorn meatballs and quorn mince.

 

[Kelly]

Another example of her not taking any crap just happened now. The two of them just got home from aikido, there was no kids class today so she sat and read/did some drawing whilst my husband took the adult class. She ran out of drink so she went to the water fountain (the class is at a sports centre) in the cafeteria, there she was met by a group of boys aged around 12ish who followed her around the cafeteria and then one of them hit her on the arm, she quite calmly ignored them and went back to the aikido class. She got her joe (big wooden stick) out of her daddy's weapons bag and went back to the cafeteria (followed by daddy as he wondered what the heck she was doing), the boys crapped themselves when they saw her stood there with a big stick and they left, my husband tried to catch up with them but they were too fast.

Is it wrong that I'm proud of her? she says she had no intention of hurting them she just wanted to make them feel scared the way they had scared her and it worked and now rather then being upset by yet another incident she actually feels quite happy and proud of herself that she stood up to a group of bullies. I explained to her that it was a good way to deal with things, make it clear to someone your not afraid of them and that you won't allow them to get away with stuff, that way they won't continue to pick on you but she should have told daddy what was happening because what if they had attacked her (she just laughed and said she'd aikido their arses) but she knows if there is a next time to make daddy aware of the situation.

 

[Dragon's Tooth]

kelly you post made me smile. Your daughter knows her mind and sounds very smart. I hope I end up with some stories like these to tell about my kids!

I found it interesting when I re read this thread that a lot of people had said they didn't want children until they met their partners. I too hated children. I couldn't stand them. Until I met my husband. Then it was like a light switch. We met online and "dated" for six months online before he moved to me and we were only together about two weeks before we started talking about marriage and kids. It was like suddenly that hatred and distaste for children went right out the window and all I wanted was a family with this man.

I guess that must be an aspie trait. the best one I know of to date.

 

[Pella]

Kelly your kid sounds really awesome, I am so glad she can stick up for herself.

 

[NoxNocturne]

I could go either way on the whole children subject. Part of me wants to stay single and only have myself to look out for, but another part wants to get married and have a lot of children. At this point in time, I'm just going to leave it up to God. If I'm meant to have kids, so be it. If I'm not, then I accept that, too.

 

[Aalo]

There was earlier mentions about date partner wanting a kid being a deal breaker. I totally agree that this is sensible way of thinking. Personally I have sen too much couples separating after ten or fifteen years of relationship because they could not have told straight what they wanted in beginning and maybe they secretly hoped for years that the other one would change their minds. Ok, maybe there's nothing bad in this if people are fine with these kind of shorter relationships, but all in all, most are not.

Toddlers don't matter to me either way. I've worked long periods on day care centers, I hated it, and I've been coordinating some teen sports events and these were okay. But 24/7, neeh.
I hate to admit that I have any list for potential spouses, but I do and my number one is also them not wanting to reproduce. Gladly it seems not big of a deal nowadays. Spouse with kid with their ex could be ok as long as I didn't need to act like a mother to it.
This started with me being environmental conscious as a kid, and later I have realized that my persona isn't the best for taking care of somebody so helpless and coping with all the stress. Most women get depressed as their children are moving or have moved away and they no more have purpose in that manner. Well, occasional money lending and such. And to be honest, I'm really scared of spreading bad genes. I hear this could change on an instant, well, then it will and there might be nothing I can do about it. This is kind of never say never but prepare not to -question.

 

[Jacki Cucinotta]

Someday down the road (in about 5-10 years or so), I would love to have children. I've always had a good connection with children - guess it's maternal instinct and part of it is seeing how happy and carefree most of them are. They're presence always makes me smile.

 

[epath13]

I know this is an old post, but, what the hell, I'll say something anyway. I think your doubts have nothing to do with Asperger's, children or the world, it's all about your perception of life and yourself in it and people around you. You have certain negative expectations about your and your possible children's future, which have nothing to do with what may or may not happen. I think, in a way, having children (and it is true for many other life experiences as well) is like... I don't know... Doing parachute jump for the 1st time. Some of your expectations will be realistic, some of them won't. And unless you're some powerful psychic, you will not know for sure what this experience will bring.
I'll tell you about my experience. I haven't thought about children seriously. I even had some doubt whether I can have them or not due to thyroid disease I had earlier in life. But I felt I needed that experience for whatever reason. I guess I'm one of those people, who would do the parachute jump, if I felt that it is something I have to go through. And after my first baby was born, and then 2nd was born, I realized they were some of the most amazing experiences in my life. The boys are a lot like me and it helps, because I have some understanding of why they behave in the way they do. They are both on the spectrum and my younger one does have "standard" Autism. But my entire life I wanted to prove to myself and to the world that different deserves respect. That being different is not a curse but a blessing. I don't know if I can provide the best possible future for my kids but I know that this is a great opportunity and a great adventure for all of us. I don't want to stare at the walls of obstacles that come with the Autism or some disadvantages, I want to see solutions and that's what I intend to do and teach my kids to do the same until my time is up. So that's my opinion that's it
A little scrambled not even sure if anyone still posting here

 

[anne.bc]

My fiance wants kids but I don't.

HOWEVER, there is no in-between option. I am willing to give up my ideal future for his, BUT only under the condition that we have a surrogate. If I hosted the embryo to a full term birth, I fear the actual labor (he does NOT want me to have a c-section and he rolls his eyes at women's health which is why our marriage counselor is DEFINITELY going to be a female!) would kill me like it killed my biological grandmother on my dad's side. I am fragile because of hypotonia, and well, he thinks I could tough it out. I don't want to find out the hard way and end up dead which would make him a single dad. I would rather live to watch them grow up and grow old with my fiance. He's neurotypical, so he thinks it's the Asperger's that's talking when I say all this. IT IS NOT. It is ME. I am speaking from me, not the Aspie things I say. I KNOW this could not end well.

 

[Jordan]

I don't think I'd want kids until I found someone special and had a sustainable relationship with that woman for over a couple of years. The only reason why I'd wait is because I've been dumped when I was 15, the relationship only lasted 4 weeks, and I haven't had one for 3 years. So it's common-sense to wait a couple of years to see if the relationship picks up - However if it doesn't, then I won't have kids. < This is if I have a girlfriend.

 

[Cerulean]

I've done a tonnnnn of thinking and have decided that no kids is the option for me. Hubs is working on coming to terms with that, although if he decides he wants to find someone else whose life goals are more in line with his, I can't hold it against him.

he rolls his eyes at women's health

That doesn't sound safe.

 

[Nolan1971]

Do you not want kids even by adoption or is he just not open to other ways?
My ex could not have children but I felt far worse for her than me because that wasn't even an option.
If that was to happen to me I would find other ways to fulfill my desire for fatherhood. I never left her because of it.