How do you feel about having kids?

[Cerulean]

I know that a number of us on here are in various kinds of relationships and I'm curious on how you feel about having kids. Existing parents I'd love your feedback as well.

Personally I used to not want them- they're noisy, messy, and expensive. When I met my husband I started to come around to the idea a bit more, to the point where I *almost* want a couple. We'd both want two, we have almost identical child raising philosophies, and he'd be a fantastic dad. That stuff I'm not worried about. But, as they have a way of doing, things change. Since I've worked now with NT and ASD kids I've come to realize I'd have no idea how to raise an NT kid. I don't even particularly like them. I didn't grow up as one, if my kids aren't on the spectrum I don't think I'd be a very good mom to them. The poor things would probably end up with all my OCD behavior and no idea why! I did bond pretty closely with some of the ASD kids though and I can now understand why people can say they "love kids".

However in the last month my husband has started pushing me towards and old dream of mine to be an occupational therapist, a dream to which has been added a desire to work with special needs people again. So now I'm considering going back to school, and that has me reconsidering this all over again, because he's not exactly young and this would push our kid schedule back at least 3 years. We've done a lot of talking and figuring about how all the things we'd like out of life fit together and have a tentative time to have kids if we're going to. Yes, I'm a schedule person I can't help it! So I'm currently re-evaluating how I feel about the whole having kids thing and weighing it against my own personal dreams.

I'm sorry that was kind of rambly. I know this is something he and I have to figure out, I was just curious how some of my fellow aspies felt about reproducing.

(mods- I thought this probably fit best in the "family" category, feel free to move if it should be somewhere else.)

 

[Soup]

Hi there! I've got 2 adult kids: a boy & a girl. YES they are extremely expensive these days. As for messy, much depends upon how you raise them when they're young & the standards you set & expect in your home. My daughter never was messy; my son was, but nowhere near on a scale that was distressing. Many parents seem to be scared of their kids & are anxious & struggling to buy their children's affections. That isn't our job as parents. They HAVE friends: all kinds of them will come & go BUT you & dad are the only parents they have!

That is where being an Aspie Mom really was advantageous for me. Being less emotionally driven aided me in making more balanced & sensible parenting decisions. The tough part for me was & remains the social aspect of parenting: all those play dates & Mom's wanting to hang out together were hard for me. I put on my NT Mona Lisa grin & went in drag. My daughter still lives at home & loves to sit with me & talk. She can talk like someone powered by automobile batteries & this can be very hard for me: esp at times when I just want to be left alone.

All told, parenting is a very rewarding experience that forces you out of your comfort zone & challenges you to be & do better. It puts all your ethics & values to the test & illuminates any character flaws that need improvement. Children have a nose for hypocrisy, double standards, inconsistencies & unfairness: they'll 'OUT' you for any violations & you then have to be honest enough to possibly take back something you said, explain yourself & rethink rules.

You don't have to weigh your personal dreams against parenting: BOTH can be done simultaneously. Moat universities have very good daycare centres & all kinds of special services & support for students who are also parents. Your scheduling ability will really be advantageous to you as a student and/or a parent. Being able to plan & organize can take a lot of the stress out of parental duties. Pare down before having a child: the less junk & stuff you have to manage, clean, wash & dust, the easier it'll be to child-proof your home & the less time you'll waste on extra cleaning etc. Forget area rugs everywhere & wall to wall carpeting: toddlers trip on them, spill food all over them & they just make work for you. They can even adversely affect breathing! Put in cordless blinds. Doing all this ahead of time really saved me a lot of grief.

 

[Cerulean]

Thank you so much Soup! I'm making a list for when we talk about future stuff on Sunday and you've added some things I hadn't thought of!

 

[Deno]

I have always thought having kids would be a pain. But to be honest I have to agree with Cerulean, I would love to have a child on the spectrum. Having a child with a brain that is more similar to yours would be great, no? I think if I ever decide to have any kids I would probably want to adopt a child on the spectrum. It would be interesting to have a child of my own, but I think it might turn out a little demon haha.

 

[Nolan1971]

I have wanted children since I was 3yrs old and could not imagine going through life without them.
My ex wife could not have children which broke our hearts.

 

[cheetoe80]

I always thought I would have kids eventually, but at this rate I'll never be able to support having kids.

 

[RubenX]

I have 2 kids, a boy and a girl. The boy inherited my aspiness. I didn't knew I had it when I had the kids. Oddly enough, I can deal with the boy real easy. Is the social NT daughter of mine that's always driving me crazy.

 

[Arashi222]

I don't have kids. I have never had a relationship ever and really don't plan on having children. I might adopt older kids later in life but I really right now don't forsee children in my future. I just find them too hard to handle and often make my sensory issues go crazy. But I am not saying that I will never have them just as for now.

 

[Geordie]

I'd love to have kids, but today's environment in my country (and many others) of having 'trophy kids' really bothers me.

If I have a steady income of US$80,000 or 90,000 per month, I can consider having a child. It's always good to spend all the time, money and effort just for the child(ren) I want to spend my time with. I expect nothing but the best for my child. I'd want the best of everything: enrolling in the best school (Singapore American School or Anglo-Chinese International School), driving the best car (Maserati Granturismo), living in a 'cool' area (Woodgrove or Holland Village), wearing the best clothes (Guess! or OshKosh Kids come to my mind), etc. Oh, I have to add, I don't mind being a full-time house-husband to a pop princess like Rihanna, despite my status, and I can do anything for my love and my child...

Haha, some parts are ridiculous, but you get the idea. Nothing but the best for my child.

 

[King_Oni]

I don't want kids... I never wanted them, and right now, aside from the fact that I don't want them psychologically, I can't afford to have kids either. I'm going as far as stating that if I were to date and a girl would even consider talking about "wanting a child"... the deal is off. Dealbreaker number 1. Well... 2... number one would be if she already has children.

I might be way to egotistical about it... I don't want to spend a dime on anything but me (and my girlfriend)... children don't come in that equation. It's a similar reason why I don't want any pets either (aside from a few other reasons). I'm happy with the finances I have and don't really see myself spending it on other things that neccesities for me. Add in that I live rather unstructured... I get up when I want to, go to bed when i want to... so perhaps I'm way to irresponsible. I'd probably be one of those parents you'd catch on youtube puking cause their kids filmed it. And as such I know that I don't want to act responsible... and therefore don't want kids for that reason as well. At least I'm responsible enough to acknowledge that I'd be an irresponsible parent... which is self-reflection some people clearly lack.

I never understood what's "fun" about kids. I'm seeing it next door... and I don't get it. To me there is no joy in "his first steps" or "his first words" (substiture his for her if you want), that by itself is a bare necessity and a way how the body is build and how humans evolved. Barely anything to get happy about. And neither is there a lot of joy in spending time on "others". Surely, I spend time on AC and all, and I might be called "a slacker" but even with no job, I sometimes feel short on time and 24 hours a day isn't enough. I don't know how a child fits in there. I'm more than happy my girlfriend comes over every 2 or 3 weeks for a day or 2 and I can tell her, without any obligation... I don't have time for this. That doesn't work for a child.

So all in all... I rather just not have that responsibility. Not financially, mentally... and practically. But by all means, anyone who wants to have children... sure... just don't make me part of your wish of having kids in any way.

If I have a steady income of US$80,000 or 90,000 per month...

That's about 1 million a year... not sure how you're going to pull it off. But yeah... with such cashflow it would make a lot of decision in life different/easier, heh

 

[Geordie]

That's about 1 million a year... not sure how you're going to pull it off. But yeah... with such cashflow it would make a lot of decision in life different/easier, heh

Unless I am rich, given the hyper-competitive in my society, even though I like kids, I don't think they'll lead a better life than me - even here in Singapore, where many people think, oh, it's paradise.

So I won't have kids, most probably.

 

[Soup]

Again King_Oni, I like the way you can be so honest about tough issues. If it isn't for you, then it isn't for you. Better to just not have them than to do so & regret it & resent them.

@Geordie: Most parents want 'the best' for their kids but have very different definitions as to what that means. No adult ever complains that when he was a child, he didn't have designer clothing, a mansion or a Maserati. They complain about not feeling loved, appreciated, wanted & valued. They never complain about not having been wealthy. They may bemoan being raised in dire poverty, though because of the strain it put on family life & not having enough food etc. But, that is an extreme example.

We DO live in a 'cool' area. You'd be shocked by how maladjusted & dysfunctional so many of the kids are. Having gone to school with some kids who were wealthy, I saw the reverse side of being a rich kid. Many of them are raised & cared for primarily by a fleet of nannies, au pairs, governesses & assorted maids. The parents are so busy with their dizzying social calendars & lucrative careers that they have little time to devote to the kids. Neglect was rampant but since the kids had food, clothing & shelter they seldom came to the attention of the DPJ (Quebec's youth protection agency). Their sadness, loneliness & suffering was hidden behind a curtain of money.

One kid I remember well, age 6, arrived at school in a limousine. Out would jump a Philippina nanny carrying his lunch bog & book bag. She'd get him into the building & off she went. In the evenings, a different nanny came in the limo. His lunches, made by the Philippine cook, were all Asian foods. The kid spoke English BUT with a Tagalog accent from being with nannies all the time BUT he was an Anglo Saxon kid! I saw his father one day on a parent teacher night. He spent the whole time rummaging through a file with a phone stuck to his ear while the nanny took care of the boy. This kid was nothing but a well dressed accessory living without love.

Your kids won't need or even care about not having tons of costly things: they'll care about not having had YOU or feeling truly loved for who they are & not what kind of a status symbol you pound them into. Too many Asian kids in our schools are suicidal because of the unrelenting expectations of parents.

In teaching, we see parents all the time who want us to magically make their child 'gifted'. I can't do that any more than I can make their child taller! The kid may be a gifted artist, BUT the parents all crave kids gifted in science & maths. They're used to being able to buy whatever they want & see buying a gifted child in the same light. You can throw tons of money at tutors & a school: if your child has neither an interest or aptitude for maths & science, it won't work & your child will be deeply unhappy. Better to appreciate him & support what he IS good at & what he enjoys. To hell with social status. High income careers are no longer guaranteed by advanced degrees. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs. Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorcese & Charles Branson were not college grads (several were drop outs!) when they made their billions.

As for putting them into 'the best schools', it may shock you to learn that there really is no such thing! It is a perception & a con job being pulled off on a naive public. Here's what they do: they create very fancy looking facilities with luxe touches. They place the school in a ritzy neighbourhood. They set extremely high tuition fees. Then, they establish elaborate entrance testing procedures. They skim off & admit only the richest kids who test as gifted before they even study a thing at the school. They then gloat about what a great school they are: look how smart our students are! If a kid comes from an important, wealthy family, he'll mysteriously get in despite being stupid, lazy & utterly irresponsible. His parents make big donations & the school looks the other way. Any middle class or working class kid can only get in if he's so gifted that he wins a full scholarship:then, he has no friends & never fits in because he doesn't live a lifestyle like the other kids do. This last group are typically more successful in the long run: they really want it & need it: they're up against something & have a lot at stake.

 

[Roxy]

I have 2 sons, both now in their 20's. AS wasn't an issue because I got my dx late so had my boys long before I knew I had AS.

Now I look back I can see why certain things were the way the were. I HATE being tapped, tugged at or having my personal space invaded, therefore it drove me mad when the boys touched me, including breast feeding (the very idea is abhorrent to me but because it was the 'thing to do' I gave it a go with my first baby. It was awful, for both of us and when the 2nd one came alone I didn't even bother trying). Hugging is OK because they're my boys and it's a safe thing for me to do. Then there's the sensory stuff

Both my boys have AS 'traits' plus DS1 has behavioural problems and DS2 has OCD and is prone to bouts of depression. I can see the traits in them now although they refuse to accept any of it. They haven't even come round to the idea that I have AS :rolleyes2:

I realise now that I have been parenting very differently to NT mothers but not necessarily in a bad way. My boys have grown up to be caring young men. They've managed to keep out of trouble, don't smoke, do drugs or even drink much. They're both in relationships with lovely girls and are building lives for themselves so I don't think I did too bad a job.

I also work with children but wouldn't class myself as 'loving children'. I love MY children, I really don't care for friends' children and the children I work with are just that, my job. I literally would die for my boys. I enjoy my job but don't have any emotional attachment to the children I work with, as is the case with most people in my life other than my husband and children.

If I'd known about my AS before having children I'd still have had them, I'd just have been more aware of my AS and maybe less stressy about it all.

 

[Megan]

I've never wanted kids. That desire just isn't there. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I was in a long-term relationship with somebody who wanted them. If my kids turned out to be very neurotypical, I'd have a difficult time relating to them and mothering them. I think it's best for me to stick to pets.

 

[Cerulean]

Megan you reminded me of something I ran across awhile back, "All Cats are Autistic":
Autistic Humor

 

[Megan]

Megan you reminded me of something I ran across awhile back, "All Cats are Autistic":
Autistic Humor

Aww. That's very true. I love my autistic kitties. And all of the other animals.

 

[Geordie]

@Geordie:

Most parents want 'the best' for their kids but have very different definitions as to what that means.

Neglect was rampant but since the kids had food, clothing & shelter they seldom came to the attention of the DPJ (Quebec's youth protection agency). Their sadness, loneliness & suffering was hidden behind a curtain of money.

Too many Asian kids in our schools are suicidal because of the unrelenting expectations of parents.

In teaching, we see parents all the time who want us to magically make their child 'gifted'. Better to appreciate him & support what he IS good at & what he enjoys.

This last group are typically more successful in the long run: they really want it & need it: they're up against something & have a lot at stake.

Well, having kids is such a challenge. We do our best to support children, to be the people they want to be

Maybe we may eventually do it, with the support we have on AC!

 

[Soup]

I think you'll make an excellent parent one day & the volunteer work you're doing will give you some experience with kids before you jump in & have your own. You are also engaged & interested in things & you are a thinker. Having an open broad mind is a real gift.

Many guys have a rough time of it with parenting. We girls (esp the older ones) helped take care (in really hands-on ways) of younger siblings. Many of us baby sat all throughout our teens AND we were often camp counsellors & daycare workers. When we have our own baby for the 1st time, we know the top from the bottom & the back from the front. We have a more realistic understanding of the tasks parenting demands. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn't come 'naturally' to all women: if they have no experience with or understanding of small kids & babies, they can be as disconnected & confused about parenting as any guy. Guys often go in blind: no education at all about babies & kids plus no experience!

I'd like to see some early childhood ed & some developmental & child psych taught to all students in school. Family dynamics, communication skills, parenting & social changes world-wide has to be taught as well. Kids need to be prepared for these things & they rarely are. I think this contributes to elevated divorce rates & general family chaos. Girls' view of relationships is often influenced by Disney films, romance novels, movies (romantic chick flicks) & they have unrealistic expectations. Guys don't seem to think about it much & movies aimed at them are about other things. They often expect their wife to be like their mother: a woman from an entirely different generation & family! THen too, they have one set of beliefs & expectations about a date, vs a girlfriend vs a wife YET, it's the same woman! Its a wonder any marriages survive & thrive!

 

[Amity Alpha]

I'm in the strange situation of feeling quite maternal and wanting to have children someday, while being completely aromantic-asexual with zero interest in relationships. Short of parthogenesis, then, it's not going to happen.

If I'm ever financially stable enough (unlikely!) I intend to adopt.

 

[Ashlee723]

I always wanted kids, I was told at 13 I would never have them. Needless to say I am now pregnant with my 4th this will be my third boy, I had my daughter first she's now 6 1/2, my oldest boy (who I believe to also be on the spectrum) will be 4 in sept., my other boy is 2 1/2 he's just wild doesn't seem to be on the spectrum in any way as of yet, just a typical boy wild wild wild! I'm done after this it's very hard some days when I really can't handle conversations, but I have a very supportive husband and he knows when enough is enough and he will take over.