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How do People Recognise Flirting?

I've said on another thread that I miss most of the cues on flirting, but have been accused of being a flirt.

So, confession time. This really happened back in the 90's and still makes me smile.

I was at a conference and had retired to my room, the day had been good but I had generally kept myself to myself aprt from what social chit chat I could handle.

Door opens to my room and in walks a very attractive female, who proceeds to get undressed.

"Looks like this is my room tonight"

"Do I know you" I said as this naked vison walked over.

"You're about to'

Anyway, turns out I had been flirting with her most of the day, although I don't remember any of it. Oh, we dated for nearly two years ;)
 
Flirting! Strangely enough as someone with aspergers I actually enjoy this. Flirting actually requires next to no thought. Overthinking it can cause mistakes. I always try and keep in mind, the worst that can happen is you embarrass yourself but if you have an ability to laugh at yourself this will rescue most situations and talk about the other person. I like to think that no person came back from a date complaining that all they did was talk about themselves.
 
First I dont know what flirt is I allways consider it like joking arround. And sometimes i think that they are being serious so I start to explain stuff XDDD aah dam ,good thing i dont feel like having a bf anymore.
 
First I dont know what flirt is I allways consider it like joking arround. And sometimes i think that they are being serious so I start to explain stuff XDDD aah dam ,good thing i dont feel like having a bf anymore.
Yes. This. What is flirting?! How do you recognise it? What if they're just being friendly?
 
Wow! Where do you get all these peoples for flirting/ trying to flirt/ observe flirting/... from?? I am forty and I don't know if I ever saw anyone flirting. I'd really like to flirt with someone but why should I flirt with someone I don't know? I would have to be sure that I like him. It would be to start relationship, I guess. I mean, are there other reasons for flirting? I think flirting could lead into very embarrasing situations... I feel a bit alone and would need to get to know some people but I have no idea how to meet people I like. Flirting sounds so great but how to decide with whom and when?
 
Yucca, flirt with any one, to practice. Flirting is not a proposal, it's just fun when if one figures it out.
Flirt to meet people, and test your skills, if you are inclined for a relationship or not. It can be fun sometimes.
 
Wow! Where do you get all these peoples for flirting/ trying to flirt/ observe flirting/... from??

You can flirt with literally anyone. I mean, there's billions of people on the planet, so I have to presume you're asking where you find people willing to reciprocate? There's no magic answer. You always risk rejection, but then rejection is usually more about the rejector than the rejectee. In other words, rejection isn't really a statement about the person being rejected so much as it is the person doing the rejection. No one is universally appealing, and so you never know if a person you try flirting with will feel like flirting with you. In fact, most may not. You just keep playing the numbers game until someone does reciprocate. Flirting is also a skill - think of it like a modifier that increases with practice. It boosts your chance of reciprocation but does not guarantee it.

I am forty and I don't know if I ever saw anyone flirting.

Either you have lived a very secluded life or, more likely, you just don't know how to recognize it. If the latter is the case, then you came to the right place. Unfortunately, no advice we can offer online beats experience. The best advice I can give is to practice, practice, practice, and to avoid taking rejections too seriously. It is BOUND to happen to anyone who practices flirting as much as I used to. It should be more about having fun and less about the results if you really want to excel - that may seem counter-intuitive, but the more you focus on WHY you are flirting, the less fun you have flirting, the less effective you are at flirting. In my experience, you will flirt better if you can steer your mind into a playful, fun-seeking state. When you notices others reciprocating your efforts, then you're making progress.

I'd really like to flirt with someone but why should I flirt with someone I don't know?

For the sake of practice so you can get the results you want (e.g., flirt your way to a phone number, date, and eventually a committed relationship or even marriage). Again, focusing on results WHILE flirting is often counter-productive since it puts you into the wrong mental state (same reason you don't look down when in a high place).

However, observing the results afterwards is how you learn. Some tactics will work for you, and others won't. There are almost too many variables to give concrete advise over the intrawebz, but surely there is someone you know IRL who is good at flirting who can show you the ropes?

Anyway, the goal is to flirt your way towards your romantic/relationship goals for life, if any. If you are asexual, then this may not be something that interests you. Otherwise, I would recommend taking it seriously.

I would have to be sure that I like him. It would be to start relationship, I guess. I mean, are there other reasons for flirting?

When you get better at it, it is kind of fun. I made a game out of it - can I get her number, and so on. I wasn't predatory - just trying to hone my skills so that I would be up to the task when I met the right person. The problem is, if you wait for a guy you're serious about, then you are liable to mess up due to inexperience. Sometimes friendship can overcome this, and sometimes not. Flirting can often take a friend from friend to more than a friend.

Hypothetically, if your life's ambition was to be president of the US, then you would be wise to start by running for a local or state office rather than declaring your candidacy for the oval office. Flirting is similar - don't find someone you really care about and then try to flirt your way to victory with no prior experience or practice and risk losing someone important. Start on someone you don't know instead. If that happens to work straight out the gate and develops into long-term potential, then great. If not, then at least you didn't alienate someone with whom you had a pre-existing friendship.

I think flirting could lead into very embarrassing situations...

This is why you start with strangers rather than friends. If it results in embarrassment, then you never have to see that person again. Zero risk. Also, embarrassment is just an emotion that keeps people from their goals in life. Your choices are to get over it or suffer the deleterious effect it has on your life.

I feel a bit alone and would need to get to know some people but I have no idea how to meet people I like. Flirting sounds so great but how to decide with whom and when?

Again, if you get to know, like, and care for someone, then this is a bad person to start out with. It is a common mistake. You think it will be easier with someone you know and are comfortable with, but imagine if it blows up on you with someone you know versus a stranger? With a stranger you leave the area and start over somewhere else. With a friend or acquaintance, you can't simply walk away from the embarrassment. Heck, your friends may even know where you live...

When I was a kid, I used to go to an amusement park and practice - lots of strangers in an environment boasting both internal security and entertainment. If I struck out, then I went to a different spot and tried again. I did this summer in and summer out until I was comfortable flirting with women I knew on a deeper level.

Yucca, flirt with any one, to practice. Flirting is not a proposal, it's just fun when if one figures it out.
Flirt to meet people, and test your skills, if you are inclined for a relationship or not. It can be fun sometimes.

Rocco is wise in this. Heed his sage call to action.
 
I have come to the realization that no one has ever flirted with me, it was not a matter of not recognizing flirting, after watching enough tv and movies and watching strange people flirting with other strange people, I know what flirting looks like, it has just never been directed at me.

I do not know why, but when I think about it, I find that hurtful.
 
Honestly, I hate the entire concept of flirting. It all seems so fun and cute but for me I've always failed to recognize flirting in maybe my own (if any) encounters and also among others. I am told regularly that I am flirting when I never have ever had intentions of doing so. I have always had a fear of revealing my attractions for someone. It's so upsetting for me when People say I was flirting or someone was flirting with me. If I feel comfortable enough to interact with someone in person it's always with friendly and innocent intentions. I have never been able to talk effectively to someone that I'm attracted to, no matter the context of the conversation. Then if I'm told someone was flirting with me and I didn't pick it up I'm so confused about the whole conversation that I thought was just a friendly chitchat. Also I guess I naturally give off the perception of flirting because I'm allways nervous when talking to people, so I will stim, make fleeting eye contact and I am always smiling.
 
I have come to the realization that no one has ever flirted with me, it was not a matter of not recognizing flirting, after watching enough tv and movies and watching strange people flirting with other strange people, I know what flirting looks like, it has just never been directed at me.

I do not know why, but when I think about it, I find that hurtful.
I know exactly how you feel. I have no interest in sexual relationships, but it is still hurtful that people are repulsed by me. I hope someone gives you a very good flirt indeed someday.
 
I don't know...
I start to think that I don't want to spend so much time on social issues like flirting. I am unhappy because I want to have friends (and a partner who cares for me) but trying and failing and again, and again, and again...
Sounds like a lot of work and a lot of time and I am interested in so many things. I just would need days to be twice as long as they are anyway.
I guess there is my problem, I want social contacts but I don't want to waste time with the wrong ones.
I've to admit that this sounds crazy even to myself...
 
I find it difficult to recognize flirting. It's simply tough for me to read all the body language involved with it.
 
I don't know...
I start to think that I don't want to spend so much time on social issues like flirting. I am unhappy because I want to have friends (and a partner who cares for me) but trying and failing and again, and again, and again...
Sounds like a lot of work and a lot of time and I am interested in so many things. I just would need days to be twice as long as they are anyway.
I guess there is my problem, I want social contacts but I don't want to waste time with the wrong ones.
I've to admit that this sounds crazy even to myself...


It sounds like you have made a good cost-benefit analysis. You want friends and a partner who cares for you, but not enough to spend the amount of time required to work on the social issues/skills needed to obtain those things because you have other interests that time could be invested in that provide you with fulfillment.

I think any decision made after a conscious cost-benefit analysis like this is a "good" decision. Most people wander through life unhappy about things but never taking the time to parse it out as you just did. They find themselves complaining but for some reason unwilling to pursue the obvious solutions. You, by contrast, acknowledge the obvious solutions but instead of complaining/whining make an affirmative decision that these social relationships are not worth the hassle involved. I get that, respect that, and am quite impressed/refreshed by your reasoning and ability to accept these things rationally rather than engaging in unproductive whining.
 
Don't feel bad. I have had a hard time too. My first to relationships were very akward because I had no idea how to flirt and/or if someone was flirting with me. I have now managed to get a fiancee/wife so it can be learned though it may have helped that she is also an aspie:)
 
Yes I know a flirt when I see one, but sometimes I wish I didn't because most men aren't that good at it. Not that I could do any better - so I don't. One of the big flirts they teach (girls) is to smile while looking someone in the eye then look away and look back again. Also to play with your hair and brush it back with your hand all while looking at the person and smiling. You can also wink at them (while smiling) hoping the other person won't think you have something in your eye. :rolleyes: It's all acting, if you ask me, and very fake. I figure if someone is too good at flirting, then they must work it on a lot of women and I'm just not interested.
That's kind of funny! When I met my husband, I did those things naturally because I always have trouble making eye contact, and I always play with my hair as a stim when nervous. When my NT girlfriend encouraged me to go over and talk to him, I was doing those things unconsciously. Later, she congratulated me on my "technique" and I was confused because I hadn't known that I was considered to be flirting; I don't know how. :confused::cool:
 
This is why, when I first started seeing my boyfriend, I asked him to tell me when he was flirting, because I've had bad experiences with people in the past. Bullies at school would pretend to flirt with me. I knew they weren't sincere, but it was as if they were saying, "You're not attractive enough for someone to actually be interested in you." That scarred me emotionally for a long time.

Then my boyfriend came into my life and told all my self-doubt to go away.
I had that too; bullies yelling across the playground and pretending to ask me for a date. It was humiliating because I knew that they didn't really mean it.
 
Most guys who flirted with me were gross. They'd make disturbing sexual remarks or grab at me. Which, thankfully, is universally understood as "creep". The only thing I find more disturbing than that is the women who find that complimentary. I have never liked catcalling and I never will.

My husband was a gentleman. We met in college, so his way of flirting with me was to sit by me in all the classes we shared, visit with me during break, sometimes buy me a drink from the vending machine, go over homework together, and then at one point he got bold enough to start poking me in the ribs a lot. For reasons I will never understand, he is the exception to many of my rules, and I didn't break his arm off and beat him with it for touching me. We joked, we laughed, we talked about nifty things, and somewhere along the way phone numbers were exchanged and we started dating.

So that's my baseline. Flirting is somebody who pays a lot of attention to you and very actively tries to spend time with you, while friends will do many of the same things but are content to simply hang from time to time and do more general things, probably in group functions rather than just the two of you. Flirty people are also much more like to touch you on the leg or arm or poke you.
 
The only thing I find more disturbing than that is the women who find that complimentary. I have never liked catcalling and I never will.

I am thankful for those women - "creeps" need love too ;)

For reasons I will never understand, he is the exception to many of my rules, and I didn't break his arm off and beat him with it for touching me. We joked, we laughed, we talked about nifty things, and somewhere along the way phone numbers were exchanged and we started dating.

You see, that is just plain human nature. We tolerate more from people we are genuinely interested in, whether the interest is as friends or something more. I don't generally like being touched, especially in certain places or without warning. However, I've often been able to tolerate and even appreciate it from certain people.

Lots of things about sex and relationships are only tolerable/comfortable in certain contexts, with certain people. I mean, setting ASD aside, who wants someone else's tongue in his/her mouth? Well, if it's the right person, then I do for one. Any other time ... not at all. The problem is that ASD adds layers of complication to this contextual appreciation.

If you stop to think about it, then this almost seems unfair. It's not anyone has a guidebook to tell them when the circumstances are right to touch, kiss, or speak to someone. Sure, you can ask permission (this prolly works better with aspies tho), but I still think that seems as like as not to turn someone off to the idea as anything. Of course, this brings us back to a topic discussed at length several pages ago, and I think we've covered it fairly well.
 
You see, that is just plain human nature. We tolerate more from people we are genuinely interested in, whether the interest is as friends or something more. I don't generally like being touched, especially in certain places or without warning. However, I've often been able to tolerate and even appreciate it from certain people.

I understand the social psychology of it. But accepting the poking was especially strange because often he'd unknowingly poke an old injury in my ribs and it took me a while to tell him, which I would not have tolerated from another guy I had been chasing for many months and was very interested in. At the time, my husband was just my classmate and I barely had any interest in him.
 
Hi!
icesyckel
Perfect advice above.... I like that!

I don't understand sarcasm, or some other social cues. I can pay attention to the tone of voice. (that is how I can detect some sarcasm. sometimes.) I am very happy..... Some people can mistake this for flirting too. I do know how to play and have fun. How to flirt? I recommend something like this:::: Well, There was this ONE guy I like.... I would ask this one guy "Are you having fun?" when he was working (he enjoys his work).... I brought him teeny tiny gifts.... and I would say "I'm not working right now. I'm playing." If I said something out of place. I could just say "Oh... I'm just playin'...." or you could ask "are you working now? Are you working all the time?" or "What do you like to play?" "You are always having fun, we could have fun together? sometime? like food, movies, bikes, walks, shared activity, etc, etc." "What do you do for fun?" (maybe you can join?) I'm a lady who loves pretty dresses. Men do seem to find me and ask me on dates. I don't recall ever approaching a guy before this..... but this one, would just stare at me...... (not sure how that is working out yet. He might have Autism?) He would stare at me, ... then he would smile (WAY too huge, incredible smile, warm voice...) now, I just confused. I'm trying to read if he likes me or not, and this is difficult for me on average (NT is the term here?) people, this person might have Autism, how can I "read" his social cues, when I can be challenged my own self at times? I hope this is not boring everyone. Probably hear this stuff every day.


Funny story. One time, ahem. Store location. He proudly and happily told me the story of how he (save the earth) transports all the stuff on the bicycle? and I .... can't think.... he's so cute..... I'm so happy.... I'm so excited... but my brain says... I must say...something....anything... so I say "..ah....wow.... That's a ...lot... of refrigerators...." breathe.....OH my gosh, is that a total social clutz? I don't know? but they seemed very heavy???? so it seemed like a valid comment. He this incredible soft voice, he kind gently answers that they were in storage. I dropped all my coins all over the place, more than once, dropping stuff. Petting my own hair? or other objects .... definitely feeling like doing that. I've never ever slapped a man. I have very low blood pressure, even if I am nervous. There was hand flapping in my family.....

OH, the social awkwardness never ends around here. I just wish I had the genius of a scientist. or a little tiny bit more logic? or some calm? tiny bit less emotion? I just get too excited.... and I can't take turns have a decent conversation with this guy..... listen to his voice, mmm hmm

I'm 37..... I am not sure the dating thing. For me, It's a question of whether or not I want to get married at all. Dating, eh, aren't all "good" guys pretty much qualified and the same? Am I a bad person for suggesting that???? PS. I have much preferred celibacy Decades thus so far. I not interested in dating for the most part. Sometimes, recently, I must admit, I am curious if a guy approaches me. I have lust issues now, at a certain age. How embarrassing. I only like to consider this one guy, personally. if he likes me..... that is..... I find the ultimate outcome (relationships) of dating to be disappointing or annoying. The one was actually neglectful bordering abusive by Borderline Personality Sufferer. Dating. No,... I don't recommend too much of that. Marriage or celibacy, I consider. Is that even feasible? does that even make sense? (I'm not sure.) icesyckel, I really like the advice. I did not realize that this thread was complete. I am so totally new at forum. I experience social anxiety, that does not mean I'm Aspie or anything. I am too eager to share, help, and be helped by advice. There must be classes or training or books about how to connect and maintain eye contact. I was on Paxil medications in the past. Green tea., lavendar, oh, I ramble. I am so sorry. The point is that relaxing, being comfortable is important to communicate , and to date.
 
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