Highly functioning autism or just a strange behavior in my 10 year old?...

[AuroraBorealis]

Masking, to me, is trying to fit in and be like other people. To go through all the motions, despite feeling like a zombie, on the inside, and trying SO HARD to not stick out and be targeted, as different, despite feeling like I am pretending to be a human, when, I really didn't feel it.I had to learn how to be social via performance art, myself, and I did have the mantra "fake it 'til you make it" as a teen into adulthood. I felt utterly unacceptable, for myself, so performing gave me a way to learn how to "human".

For me it's pretty simple. I got good at masking but behind the scenes it was a looped tape of "let me go. I want to go. Am I doing this right? Probably not, I'm so sorry. I want to go"

That's interesting. For me, masking wasn't really about not sticking out (maybe I did, but I never realized), but for getting accepted and getting friends and getting people to like me. I never knew how to do it until maybe 10, and then I started getting the hang of it, but I didn't behave like I normally would, but like I saw the kids around me behave, getting easily manipulated and naive for the majority of my adolescence. I guess it's a different experience for everyone.

 

[Neri]

I would suggest "If it's not broken, don't fix it". I don't think your girls sound like they are needing too much intervention, at this point. Diagnoses are a big step and can be a hindrance, so if they aren't particularly struggling. Why would you? Learning as much as you can gives you information to prepare yourself though, because if they are ASD or AuDHD-y, it's likely to get much tougher in adolescence.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

With some sort of complaints "not paying attention" "not looking" "doodling", but our grades are great, and my daughter doesn't bother anyone...

I don't really understand the teacher's problem, since it doesn't sound like your daughter is disruptive, distracts other kids or gets low grades. Obviously, she does pay attention, though maybe not by looking at the teacher but by doodling and listening. The teacher should educate themselves about different forms of learning behavior.
Maybe ask a few other parents about how their kids experience your daughter's behavior in class, and if there's really objectively nothing to criticize about it (like distracting or being disruptive), maybe have another talk with the teacher, a student counsellor (if you have one) or even the principal?

 

[newhere]

@newhere You got great answers already. It seems worth it to discuss it with a specialist and keep an eye on her development, but the main issue to me is distress. Is she having distress about her relationships? Is she anxious? Is she having problems in school (grades)? Does she feel lonely? Does she feel bad because she can't connect with others? Is she bullied at school? From what you wrote, it seems that most of the answers are no, so that would be a reason to not seek something medically "wrong" with her.

The other part is that autistic people don't lack empathy (knowing what others feel or feeling what others feel). As you can tell from all the answers here, there is plenty of empathy. The issue is often not expressing empathy in the way most people do.

To this day, I hate pictures of me being taken. Since I was a little kid. I hated pictures. I have no clue why. I also daydream to a professional degree. I'm often distracted because I'm thinking. When I was a kid, my parents would find me sitting as if I were dead, but I was thinking. I used to have an imaginary alternative world. I never touched or hugged my mother, but I'm (mostly) ok hugging a girlfriend and being intimate. I had and have problems connecting with people, but things are mostly fine. Thankfully I grew up at a time and a country in which kids were not labeled, so I was left alone. I'm a professor now so for all practical purposes my life is fine.

I should add: I had a lot of problems connecting in school/outside my comfortable bubble. But understanding people was and is a special interest. I eventually became good at understanding how to be charming, etc. But it takes energy and doesn't come naturally. If you know me well, you know I wear elaborate masks.

You're doing the right things. Loving and worrying about your daughter.

Thank you for your answer! She does look happy and content at this point. And that is why I do not want to dig into it..you know? but now I am considering it, reading all the comments.

This year she finally got friends at school! And she does have one very best fiend for years - a boy. They have very similar behavior and speech. When they were little, each one was talking about their own thing it felt like Now it is a great long conversation.

Teacher does complain of daydreaming all the time..."not looking at the board", etc.

It is a big relief to hear that even though you were not very tactile with your mom, it did not pose problems in a relationship with the girlfriend. That was worrying me always for her future.
Thank you so much for sharing!

 

[newhere]

I don't really understand the teacher's problem, since it doesn't sound like your daughter is disruptive, distracts other kids or gets low grades. Obviously, she does pay attention, though maybe not by looking at the teacher but by doodling and listening. The teacher should educate themselves about different forms of learning behavior.
Maybe ask a few other parents about how their kids experience your daughter's behavior in class, and if there's really objectively nothing to criticize about it (like distracting or being disruptive), maybe have another talk with the teacher, a student counsellor (if you have one) or even the principal?

Thank you! I appologized many times to the teacher, but now I think I should push back at last. She is not disruptive at all. She is just daydreaming, not paying attention, etc. Plus, I have hard time believing there is nobody in class causing more trouble, why is she after my daughter for these minor problems all the time?..

 

[marc_101]

Teacher does complain of daydreaming all the time..."not looking at the board", etc.

Have you considered that the teacher could be awfully boring? I zone out during many talks because I find them dreadful and I prefer to play movies in my head and think other things. Besides, I find it hard to retain information when people talk to me, so I use books instead. Tell your daughter to daydream while looking at the teacher just to be polite

 

[newhere]

Again, thanks much to EVERYONE! What an amazing community. Thank you for spending time on talking to a complete stranger. I never had an experiece on posting something, especially this personal, on a forum...And getting answers.
This has been super helpful and educational. No dry article can explain the topic in this way. You are amazing!
I think for now I will just observe. But, at the same time, will no longer be loosing it in my mind, asking why are some of her reactions and behaviors are different in some situations.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Have you considered that the teacher could be awfully boring? I zone out during many talks because I find them dreadful and I prefer to play movies in my head and think other things. Besides, I find it hard to retain information when people talk to me, so I use books instead. Tell your daughter to daydream while looking at the teacher just to be polite

I second this, but make sure first to ask your daughter whether the doodling and apparent daydreaming (= probably not looking at the teacher) help her to listen. It might be her learning method, and in that case it should not be taken away from her. If she really is daydreaming, as marc says, and the lesson doesn't help her to learn and she really learns from books at home, then sure, she can just pretend and keep daydreaming

 

[UFO]

It goes even further than that, to more detail: To smile, remember lift also your eye corners, not only mouth corner. Do not overdo it. While showing teeth can add extra flavor, showing too much teeth is creepy. And so on...

NTs have same problem with fake smiles, but at least they tend to pull genuine smile at correct situations.

Should have written "Depending on an individual, it might go even further than that..." I usually polish my text much more carefully

I'm not sure about that. I see that description for masking everywhere, too, but it really wasn't the case for me.

To be honest, smiling is not that much effort to me either, I just described what it is in the extreme. To me the problems with smiling have been more like realizing when to not show a gloomy face (like when a boss or a date cracks a joke).

 

[newhere]

And also, I am going to work now, but I will read all the answers later. Have a wonderful day! And many thanks again!

 

[UFO]

The only issue now is the middle school teacher..she sends us letters like, once every 2 weeks. With some sort of complaints "not paying attention" "not looking" "doodling", but our grades are great, and my daughter doesn't bother anyone... I understand it is hard with 25 other kids in class, but what can I do?..

"not looking at the board"

Do you have any information if she still hears questions and answers them properly, when being caught of "not paying attention"? If she does, there shouldn't be a problem.

She might be just like me preferring to close eyes, or staring at an empty wall, when focusing at someone's speech (I am not an auditory learner, so I give extra help to my brains during lectures by shutting off visual stimulus).

Also, not looking at the board might be just a consequence of her realizing that it has only a copy of what teacher is going to say, so there is no point in staring at it (which would be an opposite to me, as I just gather all information - even duplicate one - but, as I have read of, it wouldn't be uncommon for a ND kid to make such assessments instead of just "doing what they are told to do").

 

[Tom]

Just wanted to add something about the empathy component.

I am not sure 'lack of empathy' should be on the list of symptoms of autism. Or if it does should be re-worded to say 'some have the appearence of lack of empathy'.

It is complicated and beyond me to explain right now and I don't think I have sufficient knowledge to explain it competently.

But I can say there are very many empathetic, sympathetic and compassionate people on the spectrum.

I suspect we are not very different from the general population in this respect, but we often 'present' differently in such a way that is interpreted as lack of empathy, etc.

 

[330]

@Tom

I agree with on this 100%
I think maybe it should read as lacks the proper body language to express empathy, where a Neurotypical can decipher it.
We are extremely empathetic we just process it and show it differently. Its actions for me personally compared to language and flowery words. Actions are all that matter to me .

When someone claims no empathy, it makes me think of a psychopath.
And that definitely is not autism. psychopaths are extremely charming and have amazing verbal social skills and know all the cues also can make people feel extremely comfortable. And also display all the proper signals of empathy so NTs feel so safe around them . It’s a bit ironic in my opinion.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Maybe I should ask this:
Dear members who replied, being assesed/diagnosed, did it help you? If so, how? Or do you think it would have been better now knowing?
Were there any practical exercise/ technics that actually helped?

If I had known I probably would have become university educated become a particle physicist, or cosmologist. Either way I turned out fine. I'm now 69 so no diagnosis or assessment available or even recognized. after all Hans Asperger figured it out. 10 years later he was ignored due to his involvement with the Nazi party resulting in loss of credibility. That's how life works takes years to sort out. I have a granddaughter now hope I'm around long enough to be there for her, as this does appear to be genetic.

 

[Aspychata]

She may be ADHD? Anyways, she sounds like a perfect daughter. Creative types are daydreamers. My little creative type ended up learning several different musical instruments. Taught herself many skills as she was homeschooled. Children go thru stages of things. My daughter went on obessive gaming stage. Then it transpired to another stage. Her focused interests kept her away from drugs, and bad relationships, so l was quite happy. She didn't care much about makeup. Went thru a transgender stage. I never said anything to her. She was finding out who she was and where she fit in life. And by exposing your daughter to creative experiences, you help her to become her best version. Maybe pull back and let her come to you? Thanks for coming here for support, you sound like a great mom.

 

[Aspychata]

@Yeshuasdaughter , l totally identified with all the OP's daughter's quirks. But l also know l have outgrown some of those issues by age 25.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Your child does sound like they may have Autism 3.

It is important as a parent to realize you will not always be there for your child as you and they both age. And so you will want to look into groups and services for children with disabilities. If you are low income, you may want to talk to a state caseworker or with medicaid about getting these services.

And also structured clubs where they can learn to be part of a group, work toward a common goal, learn new skills, and feel like they have friends. Awanas, Scouts, American Heritage Girls, Trail Life, Youth Groups, library book groups, etc.

Autism and ADHD are hereditary (and part of the same spectrum) so most likely you and/or your spouse have it. Talk to your kid about how you relate to them with this or that.

For instance, I don't like bright flashy colors or lights. So I'll laugh with my daughter about those "annoying groovy hippie spirals". That always makes her laugh, especially since I am a little bit of a hippie.

Or like, for myself, big crowds of people freak both her and I out like nothing else. If we go to the mall, and there's a massive crowd inside, I'll look at my daughter, and knowing her needs, I'll ask, "Does this really look like a good time? It's totally cool to say 'No'. It would not hurt my feelings if we left right now."

We might instead grab a picnic lunch and go walking on a forest trail, or even go home and retreat to our bedrooms and work on our special interests.

That kind of thing really means a lot to an autistic child, that you understand where they are coming from. They are new to this world and haven't yet learned coping and masking skills. Deep down they want to be understood, accepted, and approved of.

So I guess, the condensed version is get your child in services, find social groups with rigid structure for friends and to help them learn to work as a group toward a goal, and try to pay attention to their cues and needs.

I edited this reply, since I might have come off too strong the first time. I just wanted to say that from what the OP has told us, I don't feel like it's yet necessary to talk of high support needs at this point, since the daughter seems to be developing age-appropriately socially, seems to be doing fairly well in school and in general seems like a happy and thriving child. But obviously, everyone has different experiences. And it surely can't hurt to look early into local support systems to have them in the backhand, also in case things get tougher in the future. Also, I like and agree with your points about an openly autistic and well-informed parent potentially being a big resource for an autistic child.

 

[Aspychata]

@Yeshuasdaughter has been under quite a lot of stress lately, but l feel she is just coming from a place of concern. We aren't medical professionals, and we just offer our personal experiences with our own children, and my child is definitely on the spectrum, however l thought she was perfect. Then l came to this site and realized that l am not NT. Lol. But discussing ND and NT would be a completely different thread.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

@Yeshuasdaughter has been under quite a lot of stress lately, but l feel she is just coming from a place of concern.

I see. In that case, please don't take my comment too seriously, @Yeshuasdaughter. Thank you for pointing it out, @Aspychata.

 

[GrownupGirl]

I wasn't diagnosed until I was an adult, but these things I remember being as a 10 year old girl:

-Becoming somewhat more "tomboyish", wanting to wear jeans and t shirts instead of dresses, wearing my hair shorter.

-Often carrying around a small doll or figure around with me for comfort or for something to role-play with

-Being very emetophobic and frequently suffering from stomach upset and anxiety, mainly during the summer. My mom then had the "menstruation talk" with me. Or maybe that was back when I was 9, I don't really remember.

-Being very into drawing cartoons, watching cartoons, talking about cartoons, dreaming about becoming a cartoonist or even an animator someday.

-Being teased at school for crying too easily, a so-called best friend of mine started being nasty and said I was too childish and always having tantrums.

-Really hating phys-ed. class, feeling really stupid and childish because there were 5 year old kids that were good at things like jumping rope, climbing or head standing and I wasn't.

- Still having a hard time with math, but not as badly as when I was in Grade 3 because I was getting extra help and tutoring.

-Being happiest when I could play or do most things alone. I often felt fatter, slower, clumsier, uglier, and dumber than most other kids at school or anywhere else.

-Really enjoying reading and learning from books that weren't school or math-related.