• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Hi there... I might need help

leilegge

New Member
So, I don't really know how to correctly explain this, but some additional opinions on my case would be very helpful.

I am a 17 years old NT girl, my bf is 22 and has Aspergers. We met via internet and have been best friends for more than a year now, a couple months flirting and stuff and over 3 weeks as an official relationship. It seems like a very short time, but we connected wonderfully, so great, that few months later we met we had a really deep level of closeness and talked every day without getting tired, and he told me he was in love with me. That declaration shocked me because I was not thinking in him as a romantic interest, not because of his aspergers (which was absolutely new to me) but because we are from different locations (about 8 hours away) and never seen each other in person. I was the kind of people who thought that long distance relationships don't work and that a physical aspect was needed to truly love someone, so I told him that and for what seemed a very long time I rejected any idea of considering envolving myself in a situation like that with him even knowing that he was the greatest person I've ever met. We tried to separate in different ocasions in order to not hurt his feelings for not being romantically with me, but we always came back talking (he is basically my only friend and he didn't like interacting with other people very much).

That, plus his personal problems, detonated a series of conflicts between us that wont let us work well. He had a progressive relapse on depression, anxiety and low self-steem, making him go from the sweet, gentle, funny guy I knew to an insecure, jealous, kind of rude person. Even though, because of his insisting attitude (and the bad things were not that bad at the moment) I dissapeared my prejuices and decided to give him a chance dating, he couldn't be happier and I found out I was repressing myself cause I really liked him and the way he treated me as a queen. As the whole autistic spectrum was new to me, I unfortunately made many mistakes that for me seemed unsignificant but hurt him a lot (like going out the same day we made plans to watch a movie together or doing other activities while we chatted) and those mistakes made the effect of a snowball running down a hill getting bigger and bigger, to the point he started feeling resentment towards me because he thinks everything he does goes out wrong while my life is full of commodities and easy ways (I live with my parents who pay me bakery and confectionery school) so now he just hates every time I mention anything good that comes so "easy" for me.

I have tried to make most of things he has asked me to help to fix things even if I didn't agree with it, like sending captures of my conversations, not accepting social invitations and regulating my treatment with people so that the special way would be kept just for him, saying that otherwise I would lose him because of all the pain I caused him with those earlier mistakes. Many times I asked myself if it is really worth it, at first I thought it was guilt what guided me, but when I think about going apart I start crying and feel very bad. In all this process I have become a bit insecure too, and haven't stopped to fall in what he assures are other mistakes because of not being sure what to do next or how would he respond due to the mixed pathologies. I believe I do love him and really want to help him get better and out of that awful state, but the treatment he gives me right after I screw up makes me wanna run away, and he seriously wants me to fix this and keep growing together. Apart from this, he moved recently to the country next to us to search for a more stable economic state and a better life, what makes us even more distanced, and even thought I'm planning to leave this place too I don't know how much time it will take and if I am willing to keep giving it all till we can meet in person. Thanks for reading it all and I will appreciate if you have any question and/or advice.
 
Honey, you're in an abusive relationship and you shouldn't let yourself be treated that way. He's emotionally blackmailing you, alienating you from your other friends and making his insecurities your problem. He might be on the spectrum, but that's no excuse for being an abuser.

I believe that you love him, but if you stay, you're only getting in deeper. Love yourself, take a stand, explain why his behavior is not okay and then sever ties.
 
If you have to censor yourself around someone, you shouldn't be in a relationship with them. It's an indication that they only like the version of you they want, not the real you. I don't think this is a healthy relationship honestly, and I say this as an aspie. I would not expect someone to bend over backwards for my needs so drastically, and if I had a problem I would talk about it first before getting upset (such as particular sensory issues I have). You should confront him on his actions, a hard thing to do, but emotionally it's going to hurt either way. Sorry for your situation.
 
You have to be yourself in life. Don't try to bend yourself all out of shape fitting in to someone else's opinion and ideals.

The only time another person has the right to dictate how you spend your every waking moment is when you allow it to happen.
 
Sweetheart, you do not owe this man anything. He is abusing you; taking advantage of you; using his traits against you; call it what you want; but he is not the guy for you.

The fact that you have lost confidence, is a really bad sign.

Just because he has aspergers, does not excuse his behaviour towards you, to the extent that he demands you to curtail conversations with others and even demands you show them to him! He is controlling you. He will basically destroy you, if you keep this up.

By the way, you are not in love with him. There is never any question as to whether one is in love or not; it is just a very quiet voice in the head that says: wow, I love him or her. So, to say: I think I am in love with him, shows you are not but trying to feel love and that cannot happen, because he is stunting your growth.

Walk away!
 
like sending captures of my conversations, not accepting social invitations and regulating my treatment with people so that the special way would be kept just for him, saying that otherwise I would lose him because of all the pain I caused him with those earlier mistakes.

This is not because he is on the spectrum.

This is because he is a controlling individual who wishes to know at all times what you are doing, and to limit your contact with people who are not him. This is the start of an abusive relationship. He can try to cover it by saying it's all down to his ASD, or depression, anxiety, low self esteem or myriad other excuses, but none of that will change the fact that this is not OK.

You should end the relationship and find someone who is looking for an equal relationship, not one where they hold all the power over you.
 
I am surprised at the fast answers I got from this, first of all thank you all for the interest

When things started getting bad I knew that was not ok and I should've go away, but at the same time he told me many times it got like that because of the things I did, because they all felt like a betrayal from me. For example, in those moments I was busy working on an internship and spent almost all day out, and when I came home at night I always searched time to share with him, but he usually was just angry that I didn't pay propper time to listen to him and that he felt excluded from my life because he didn't know what exactly was going on while I was away. When I finished those, I turned almost all my time to work on our relationship and made a great progress to the point things were actually getting better, but in the second I did something he considered a mistake (like being too friendly with someone) he came back to the demanding attitude and said I ****ed up really bad. If I ever say something like "you're hurting me" he comes with many arguments of why I am the one who is making the things go wrong because I don't do as he says, so it makes me feel I'm just being selfish and not having in mind his position, because he already has many problems and stressful situations in his daily life adaptating to an unknown environment for me doing the things (unconsciously and not on purpose of course) that upset him and make him feel bad. He has given me many many chances and somehow I still manage to screw up, maybe he should have broke up with me long time ago if I can't satisfy his needs. I don't know if treating him has become really hard or I just don't know how to catch the signals of what he asks, and what keeps me going is that I know he can be much better than this and I want him to achieve that even if we are not together anymore, because he is still my best friend and the person I love the most.

I know this is not going well and it just seems to get worse but if I really caused all I can't go on knowing he is feeling bad and is alone out there
 
he didn't know what exactly was going on while I was away.

That is an aspie trait. I did not even realise at first, until I read about it, but being vocal about it, is taking it out of control.

When I get close to someone, I have this horrible need to know their wereabouts and if I find they have been somewhere else from what I had been told, I have this dreadful urge to say: but you said you were here or something, but I am discerning enough to know it would go very bad for me, so I keep this nasty feelings to myself ( well other than explaining it here).
 
he told me many times it got like that because of the things I did, because they all felt like a betrayal from me.

It's not because of things you have done, it is because he is a controlling and manipulative person.

That is an aspie trait. I did not even realise at first, until I read about it, but being vocal about it, is taking it out of control.

It's not a trait in all of us, and also with all of the other information that has been provided, I would err on the side of this not being an aspie trait in him, but rather it being another facet of his want to control the relationship.
 
regulating my treatment with people so that the special way would be kept just for him, saying that otherwise I would lose him because of all the pain I caused him with those earlier mistakes.

I agree with the above replied. You sound accommodating and caring. You haven't made ANY mistakes. My aspergers does present challenges but it's not an excuse. Being controlling and making you feel guilty is a choice he is making. Your choice is to believe him or not. And I would recommend not and work on your self confidence. Xx
 
Run @leilegge, and trust yourself about this. He's blaming everything on you, and he's also grooming you to feel unsure, insecure and wrong. This relationship has all kinds of red flags that indicate manipulation and control. This is not a good thing for you, nor is it a healthy give and take situation.

Grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a teenager to gain their trust. Young people can be groomed online or face-to-face, by a stranger or by someone they know - for example a family member, friend or professional.
 
Last edited:
You're making excuses for him and blaming yourself. Don't do that. He's making you feel like the bad guy because that's how he gets to control you. I urge you to read up on emotionally abusive relationships. This is textbook abusive behavior which really has nothing to do with autism.
 
My expectations on posting this thread were originally to get help on how could I improve our relationship to make it work again, but it amazes me that everyone concludes that I should leave him. So nothing at all can be done to make it change? This confused me and has me thinking, I tried to avoid break up at all costs before but seeing it from that view it looks pretty toxic. I can't deny I feel fear of losing him, that means losing all the efforts I made too, we both are gonna be lonely and I'm worried about his mental health, but your opinions were eye-opening, I'm grateful for them and definitely gonna follow them.

One thing that makes me sad is that I know he is probably not going to forgive me for giving up on us without solving the problems he honestly believes I caused. I never wanted this to get this bad and I hate to think on not talking never ever, I guess I should have identified the red flags before...
 
Last edited:
My expectations on posting this thread were originally to get help on how could I improve our relationship to make it work again, but it amazes me that everyone concludes that I should leave him. So nothing at all can be done to make it change? This confused me and has me thinking, I tried to avoid break up at all costs before but seeing it from that view it looks pretty toxic. I can't deny I feel fear of losing him, that means losing all the efforts I made too, we both are gonna be lonely and I'm worried about his mental health, but your opinions were eye-opening, I'm grateful for them and definitely gonna follow them.

One thing that makes me sad is that I know he is probably not going to forgive me for giving up on us without solving the problems he honestly believes I caused. I never wanted this to get this bad and I hate to think on not talking never ever, I guess I should have identified the red flags before...
I can understand not wanting to give up on the effort you made. Dont look at it like that. Look at it as leaving now, before he can do more damage. When you break up with him, give him a clear explanation of why, then sever all ties. Block him on every possible channel, instruct your friends not to pass on messages from him. Cause this could get ugly.
I want to give you this link, see it as a required reading course ;)
the Darth Vader Boyfriend
 
I guess I should have identified the red flags before...
I think people learn from any relationship that they become involved in, what they want and what they don't want. Each relationship is a learning experience, that helps us to learn about other people.
Sometimes, we might make a connection with someone who isn't really good for us. We begin to read the signs of what could be unhealthy for us to continue on with. At this stage in your life, it might be a good idea to be careful with someone who would treat you as if you were at fault, and then deny their part in the difficulties. In relationships, it's usually two people who contribute to problems, not just one. There has to be fairness, otherwise it simply won't work.
 

New Threads

Top Bottom