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Help raising NT

Kayla55

Well-Known Member
I have twins and I've worked so much to get framework of house fixed, everyone in own school, twins finding own identity. Maintaining the routine with extra murals and friends.

I thought by having fairness, open communication and generalised good standard to raise children I had it figured out. But my NT son won't listen to when turn wash dishes, being cheeky. I vaguely realise that I'm lacking rat system in house,
Discipline is revoking priveledges like TV game
Rewards are based on achievement at school etc.
I think it's difference in thought patterns, and I can't seem to change way I operate to a rat system whereby I constantly feed rewards as I seem to just do certain things that must get done without this (not sure if I'm saying what I mean)
When I say disrespect, it's my nice us a weakness or I don't sit in front couch hogging control and enforcing dominamce - it's as though I'm just living in la la land.

I lack motivation to go out and bother with socials anymore. Even if it's volunteer for school cake sale or PTA or anything,
I never bother to smile or talk to people anymore,
Maybe I'm just beyond tired of taking reigns and having zest I had when I was younger. I'm tired of coming up with solutions and being disrespected. I just prefer to be alone.
 

Kayla55

Well-Known Member
He teases his twin, complains about things. Said can't see what's wrong with his brother. Draws rude pictures and shows it to his brother after I repeatedly discussed it to stop.
Constant fights over turns on games..

My dad said we can move to big city, can consider working in office again. He will try spend more time with boys but rent will go up, demands and running rat race. I think the schos here are more affordable Nd it's safer. So whilst I can send him to my dad to just break it's going to mean
 

Mr. Stevens

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Maybe ask where he thinks his life is going if he continues this behavior. And do it in an indifferent way. I find people are more willing to listen, and calm down, when given no emotional response.

If you show his actions create consequences he will deal with, he might show more respect. If he thinks you will always deal with his emotions, he'll continue to fight. (I'm not blaming you, but I find this is how many non-Autistic people are. They can be very reaction-seeking.)
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
It can be pretty common for a child who has a sibling with high needs to foster resentment and frustration during some period of their life. It depends on how old your child is, but validation of his experience in the world really is important. I agree it can be difficult if it feels like he is taking advantage of you and giving you such trouble, but he may have felt a bit in the shadow for a while with his brother and you on the spectrum.

Would you be comfortable sharing how old the kids are?
 

Kayla55

Well-Known Member
It can be pretty common for a child who has a sibling with high needs to foster resentment and frustration during some period of their life. It depends on how old your child is, but validation of his experience in the world really is important. I agree it can be difficult if it feels like he is taking advantage of you and giving you such trouble, but he may have felt a bit in the shadow for a while with his brother and you on the spectrum.

Would you be comfortable sharing how old the kids are?
They're now 14.
I struggled cause no matter how I tried I couldn't play with the kids....I would get my Mom over to do this and then watch...so I managed to play bit of where he. She bought croaky frog and would play, I would just sit and count fingers, shake rattle and gave-up.

The father is not with it, so I do actually more in routine, school, we lay on blanket outside look at stars, I have lots creative projects, clay and interesting things we do. I'm not a male and I'm not a typical person and the things he says upsets me feelings too and I just tired of trying to explain why it wasn't nice what you said.
 

AO1501

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Early-mid teen is about the typical age that children begin to explore the boundaries of who they are as individuals, not just children following parental/adult leads, so some rebelliousness is both normal, and (frustratingly) also a good thing.

Unfortunately with NT children, it is far more difficult to induce conformity and adherence to rules and expectations than typically for autistic children, who often respond quite well to reasonable explanations as to what and why those expectations are.

I have found that sometimes an NT child will respond well to explanations that everyone has to do these kind of things too, so they are really playing their part, not being punished. But it can be hard if the child has feelings of being marginalized or left out, so has resentment of some kind to overcome.

A good way to overcome this might be to create a very specific 'you' time with him. A recurrent and regular set time were just you and he spend time together doing something interesting and fun as a shared activity, to help strengthen or rebuild the bond between you. A child that feels included is generally likely to be rather more compliant.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
I'm not a male and I'm not a typical person and the things he says upsets me feelings too and I just tired of trying to explain why it wasn't nice what you said.
@Kayla55,
I just want to clarify and make sure that I haven’t said something to upset you. I don’t think that’s what you were saying, but I would like to correct it if I have said some thing that hurt you.

From everything you shared on the forum, it sounds like you are truly invested in your children and have put in great effort to give them an enriching and nurturing life.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have twins and I've worked so much to get framework of house fixed, everyone in own school, twins finding own identity. Maintaining the routine with extra murals and friends.

I thought by having fairness, open communication and generalised good standard to raise children I had it figured out. But my NT son won't listen to when turn wash dishes, being cheeky. I vaguely realise that I'm lacking rat system in house,
Discipline is revoking priveledges like TV game
Rewards are based on achievement at school etc.
I think it's difference in thought patterns, and I can't seem to change way I operate to a rat system whereby I constantly feed rewards as I seem to just do certain things that must get done without this (not sure if I'm saying what I mean)
When I say disrespect, it's my nice us a weakness or I don't sit in front couch hogging control and enforcing dominamce - it's as though I'm just living in la la land.

I lack motivation to go out and bother with socials anymore. Even if it's volunteer for school cake sale or PTA or anything,
I never bother to smile or talk to people anymore,
Maybe I'm just beyond tired of taking reigns and having zest I had when I was younger. I'm tired of coming up with solutions and being disrespected. I just prefer to be alone.

Lots of good advice here. I can just say I feel rewards should be mainly used only on occasion for bigger things, not to be used regularly and not for more smaller things like simple chores that should be expected an NT to do and regardless of gender for typical household things that all genders I feel should learn to be more self sufficient.

We are a believer in a middle-of-the-road parenting style, meaning not too lenient but not too authoritarian. This requires good communication to explain why the things need to be done, and any critique we sandwich between two compliments or statements showing care so as the message is more heard and not the emotion, and so they are motivated to do things out of love and not fear.

So, tone of voice and your facial expressions and posture may be important when relaying that message, for the child to feel sincerity, and answering the why part should be done like in a logical way to make sense and to motivate, if he sees doing so reflects better on him or his future by what you say. Also, consistency is important, and following through there for each reasonable need you have after doing so in mentioned ways. Otherwise, the child will tune you out whenever the mood is not there to do such, thinking you will cave.

So, how you word things constructively and your tone and demeanor and requiring consistency is important. Maybe give a regular time limit each day for him to start and finish a chore too, for a few duties each day you need him to do, otherwise take an important privilege away you feel is fair and that will motivate him. Create a rules list to put on his bedroom wall about very important things that he must do and not do otherwise penalty.

A child that is a teen needs to learn responsibility but that requires that they see the parent as a good and loving role model too, and to be accountable as well for the things they do and not do. Definitely him being mean to the brother and refusing simple chores should not be tolerated, as long as he sees in advance with his eyes what is tolerated and not and if you express the need or wrong in a fair, caring and consistent way that he would be receptive to better hearing.

Children often can test our limits otherwise, and try to take more control or do things on their terms. As they grow they want to show their independence more, but this requires they show they are deserving more of that by their attitude and actions. But we as parents can learn from any mistakes we made, and try new approaches that may better work than what we tried so far. I just know parenting that seems not strict and not lenient, but in between, increases the chances that NT children would have less issues.
 
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Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
They're now 14.
I struggled cause no matter how I tried I couldn't play with the kids....I would get my Mom over to do this and then watch...so I managed to play bit of where he. She bought croaky frog and would play, I would just sit and count fingers, shake rattle and gave-up.

The father is not with it, so I do actually more in routine, school, we lay on blanket outside look at stars, I have lots creative projects, clay and interesting things we do. I'm not a male and I'm not a typical person and the things he says upsets me feelings too and I just tired of trying to explain why it wasn't nice what you said.

Two 14 year old boys, no wonder you are struggling. It's a terrible age. I used to be a 14 year old boy and it's just awful. All I can say is that they need to learn that their actions have consequences. Boys that age don't think ahead and they don't think about consequences.
 

1ForAll

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
@Kayla55,
I just want to clarify and make sure that I haven’t said something to upset you. I don’t think that’s what you were saying, but I would like to correct it if I have said some thing that hurt you.

From everything you shared on the forum, it sounds like you are truly invested in your children and have put in great effort to give them an enriching and nurturing life.

I think when she said "You" she was just referring to that NT 14 year old, if you look at the context. So no worries, from how I took that message.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It's also hard to be social when you have twins that are wearing you out. If someone you know is bothering you about getting out, maybe you can respond by inviting them to help you babysit your kids for free and do all the chores, lol.
 

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