He thinks I was trying to hurt him...

[Jorjor23]

So I’m a NT and my HFA guy has been frustrating me lately. Recently, he’s gone through a bit of a regression emotionally.

The other night, I went to CVS and picked up some cough medicine for him (upon request) at midnight…and he fell asleep before I got back with the stuff and had me waiting outside for several minutes before he was awakened by me yelling his name over the balcony…lol. I felt uncomfortable just standing out there since it wasn't the best neighborhood. We got into a bit of an argument because I felt like I was being taken for granted and that the least he could have done was stay awake to let me in. He got defensive and said I should have just brought the keys and that nothing bad happened, so I should drop it. At this point he clams up and completely stonewalls.

Finally I told him “I’m going home”. He initially said “ok”, so I just grabbed my bag and left. He wasn’t expecting me to be serious, so when he came down and saw I was gone, he started panicking, sending me texts apologizing and thanking me for running the errand and to please come back. I was over it though and felt I had to draw a very clear line with him

This incident caused a break in his trust in me. He told me he felt I was purposely trying to hurt him and that the way I acted was immature, based off emotion (even though his reaction to me leaving was equally based off emotion). I explained that I tried to have a real discussion and that he shut me down. So the choice was to drop it just to appease him, or leave. So I left. Upon reflection, I think it was pent up feelings of abandonment (that predate me) were bubbling to the surface when he got frantic.

Days later, I tried to prod into his psyche a bit by asking him questions… one of which was “how should I have handled the situation in your mind?” to which he responded “i wanted to you come up to bed and talk about it in the morning”. That wasn’t cutting it for me. I followed up with “how do you expect me to act in the moment when I feel hurt” to which he responded “well you process it, and then you move on”. I sarcastically responded “my stomach can only process the food I ate for so long before it needs to exit my asshole” (I think he was stumped by this analogy… lol). Nonetheless he dug his heels in the sand and didn’t want to acknowledge that I left for a good reason.

He has a lot of emotional baggage stemming from childhood that he has yet to unpack… I’d like to regain his trust and get him to open up a bit more, but I refuse to be a complete doormat to get him to this point…

Any advice?

 

[BraidedPony]

I kind of agree with the boyfriend. He wasn’t feeling well and fell asleep. Then you wanted him to stay awake while you fuss at him for falling asleep....
Sometimes it’s better to discuss things in the morning.
You aren’t seeing things from his point of view.
I think you should leave him alone and not “prod into his psyche” b.s. Give me a break.

 

[Jorjor23]

I kind of agree with the boyfriend. He wasn’t feeling well and fell asleep. Then you wanted him to stay awake while you fuss at him for falling asleep....
Sometimes it’s better to discuss things in the morning.
You aren’t seeing things from his point of view.
I think you should leave him alone and not “prod not his psyche” b.s. Give me a break.

He recently moved to LA from NY and hasn't yet gotten a car. So I've been helping him with errands on and off for a few weeks. It was cumulative ... I guess I just don't get why he couldn't have just said "sorry about that, thanks for getting the stuff". Instead he wanted to drag it out and tell me to "stop pouting"

 

[BraidedPony]

When someone isn’t feeling well, I give them a lot of leeway. But then I’m old! When I was in my 20s maybe I would have acted the same. Actually, I wouldn’t have gotten the medicine unless his coughing was keeping ME awake!
Maybe you are doing too much for him?

 

[Jorjor23]

When someone isn’t feeling well, I give them a lot of leeway. But then I’m old! When I was in my 20s maybe I would have acted the same. Actually, I wouldn’t have gotten the medicine unless his coughing was keeping ME awake!
Maybe you are doing too much for him?

Yeah I think I am doing too much. Since the incident I've been more selective about what I say yes to... I just hope he gets a car soon... lol

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think you have already identified the crux of the matter: You and he process things differently. You expect to hash something out in the moment, but he wants to wait.

The incident will repeat itself if you two don’t figure out how to work things out, and what behavior you need from each other and will accept from each other in the moment of disagreement.

“Working it out” doesn’t mean he makes all the concessions, nor does it mean that you allow yourself to be a doormat. These are the type of negotiations and adjustments needed to make any relationship wor,

 

[Fino]

I'm a little stuck on why you didn't bring your keys with you, but I also feel like a lot of his behavior was similar to me so maybe I'm just not helpful for you.

If it were me, the most helpful thing would probably be something like if you told me, "I’d like to regain his trust and get him to open up a bit more, but I refuse to be a complete doormat to get him to this point…" and discuss that.

Unless you did already and that didn't work.

But, generally, explicitly stating your thoughts and feelings in a calm, kind discussion is the most productive thing to do, as opposed to two people exploding emotions upon each other.

And I, too, have no clue what that stomach thing means and am suspecting it doesn't have any meaning.

 

[Jorjor23]

I'm a little stuck on why you didn't bring your keys with you, but I also feel like a lot of his behavior was similar to me so maybe I'm just not helpful for you.

If it were me, the most helpful thing would probably be something like if you told me, "I’d like to regain his trust and get him to open up a bit more, but I refuse to be a complete doormat to get him to this point…" and discuss that.

Unless you did already and that didn't work.

But, generally, explicitly stating your thoughts and feelings in a calm, kind discussion is the most productive thing to do, as opposed to two people exploding emotions upon each other.

And I, too, have no clue what that stomach thing means and am suspecting it doesn't have any meaning.

They aren't my keys, and it was his air bnb. I don't think it's unreasonable to assume he'll be there to at least open the door. i was more fixated on getting the right medicine than I was on the possibility that he might fall asleep before I got back, lol

As far as the stomach analogy, it was my way of saying, emotions have to come out one way or the other (much like... well.. poop. lol.) You can't hold it in indefinitely...Letting your emotions just build up with no outlet isn't healthy

 

[Fino]

Then I'd say it depends on the details of your response to him not being awake to open the door. It's hard to say without witnessing it. If you seemed poisonous, anger, verbally violent--these sound weird, I'm just trying to describe a tone or set of words or set of words in a particular tone that would upset a person, sensitive or otherwise but sensitive moreso obviously.

And it depends on how long you were gone. If it was a half hour or more, falling asleep doesn't seem like all that much of an offense for a sick person, especially since it was midnight.

I don't mean to sound harsh and maybe I'm just crazy, but I don't think I would date someone who gets genuinely angry at me for something like that. I wouldn't be able to handle it.

 

[Jorjor23]

Then I'd say it depends on the details of your response to him not being awake to open the door. It's hard to say without witnessing it. If you seemed poisonous, anger, verbally violent--these sound weird, I'm just trying to describe a tone or set of words or set of words in a particular tone that would upset a person, sensitive or otherwise but sensitive moreso obviously.

And it depends on how long you were gone. If it was a half hour or more, falling asleep doesn't seem like all that much of an offense for a sick person, especially since it was midnight.

I don't mean to sound harsh and maybe I'm just crazy, but I don't think I would date someone who gets genuinely angry at me for something like that. I wouldn't be able to handle it.

I guess I was just ticked off because he was the one that asked me to run the errand and he couldn't even stay awake to let me in. He also has a roommate/friend who he perhaps could have told to look out for me (he fell asleep too) It just came off as "getting too comfortable" with me doing stuff for him and just assuming I'll figure everything out. As I mentioned earlier, I've been doing quite a bit of errand running for him so I guess in a way, it was cumulative.

I wasn't really angry to start out, just a bit agitated. So I told him that I was agitated and why... I didn't raise my voice or get in his face. It was the stonewalling and declaring that the convo was over that upset me. It was such any easy fix "sorry, I thought you had the keys, thanks for the medicine" but he stonewalled instead. Little things tack on interest if you sweep them under the rug.

 

[BraidedPony]

Yeah, I have to agree with Fino. If I were sick and my boyfriend wanted to have a discussion at midnight...he would wish he had never started that...especially since I think there was a balcony there...lol
Sacrcastic tone that you admitted to using, that is never helpful if you can not do that.
For me, sleep, food and quiet are very important, a must-have really, more important than a boyfriend I’m afraid.

 

[Jorjor23]

Yeah, I have to agree with Fino. If I were sick and my boyfriend wanted to have a discussion at midnight...he would wish he had never started that...especially since I think there was a balcony there...lol
Sacrcastic tone that you admitted to using, that is never helpful if you can not do that.
For me, sleep, food and quiet are very important, a must-have really, more important than a boyfriend I’m afraid.

It didn't need to be a discussion, he just had to say something along the lines of "sorry, thought you had the keys. thanks for getting that" and it would have been over and done. I don't think you guys are understanding that it was the lack of acknowledgment of why i was irritated that bothered me.

 

[BraidedPony]

I understand a little bit. I would have been mad at myself for not taking the keys, and then would have felt guilty for having had to wake him up to let me in. But that is just me.
Then, if it was NyQuil I brought home, I would have taken a dose myself and gone to bed.

 

[Jorjor23]

I understand a little bit. I would have been mad at myself for not taking the keys, and then would have felt guilty for having had to wake him up to let me in. But that is just me.
Then, if it was NyQuil I brought home, I would have taken a dose myself and gone to bed.

Yeah, I guess we'll just agree to disagree on that one. If I go out of my way to run to the drugstore at midnight, send you a picture of what I'm about to buy to make sure I don't get the wrong thing, get verbal confirmation from you that it's the right thing, tell you I'm on my way back, then find that you fell asleep on me. I'm going to be pissed. It just shows a lack of appreciation honestly... opening the door (or at least telling his friend to look out for me) is the least he could have done. I was gone less than half an hour.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I sarcastically responded “my stomach can only process the food I ate for so long before it needs to exit my asshole” (I think he was stumped by this analogy… lol).

Not good. You are trying to reach out to him as you describe then you are sarcastic to him.
Not a safe way for him to proceed .

It was such any easy fix "sorry, I thought you had the keys, thanks for the medicine" but he stonewalled instead. Little things tack on interest if you sweep them under the rug.

You have an expectation for him to respond a certain way.
If he doesn't you then justify either your reaction (sarcasm,whatever)


ASD means he likely won't pick up these invisible signals you're sending him.

Continuing this will mean you'll be very good at making him feel bad .
That's ok right? (Sarcasm doesn't feel good does it?)

he just had to say something along the lines of "sorry, thought you had the keys. thanks for getting that" and it would have been over and done. I don't think you guys are understanding that it was the lack of acknowledgment of why i was irritated that bothered me.

What is it you're not getting?
You're putting another expectatiob on him and being annoyed if he doesn't respond the way you've invented in your mind.

You don't seem to get ASD...

This will happen thousands of times if you don't get to grips with it.

These expectations you put on him will make you both unhappy.

My next bet is you won't realise why I've said this.

 

[Jorjor23]

What is it you're not getting?
You're putting another expectatiob on him and being annoyed if he doesn't respond the way you've invented in your mind.

You don't seem to get ASD...

This will happen thousands of times if you don't get to grips with it.

These expectations you put on him will make you both unhappy.

My next bet is you won't realise why I've said this.

My next bet is you still won't grasp the fact that having your feelings dismissed is infuriating. I'm sure you aren't particular thrilled when NTs dismiss you for something they perceive as frivolous or a non issue...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My next bet is you still won't grasp the fact that having your feelings dismissed is infuriating. I'm sure you aren't particular thrilled when NTs dismiss you for something they perceive as frivolous or a non issue...

Bingo !

Feeling triggered a little?

Look at it from another side,instead of your own.


It is most interesting what you chose to highlight in your response and what you chose to ignore.

The bits you ignored is where your learning is.

Learn about ASD,for one. If you want your relationship to succeed.

 

[Jorjor23]

Bingo !

Feeling triggered a little?

Look at it from another side,instead of your own.


It is most interesting what you chose to highlight in your response and what you chose to ignore.

The bits you ignored is where your learning is.

Learn about ASD,for one. If you want your relationship to succeed.

How does one communicate that they're upset without being shut down, and what invisible signals are you referring to in this context? I was pretty clear with him... saying "why weren't you there to open the door, I felt unsafe just standing out here waiting for you". How could this have been more clear?

 

[Fino]

My next bet is you still won't grasp the fact that having your feelings dismissed is infuriating. I'm sure you aren't particular thrilled when NTs dismiss you for something they perceive as frivolous or a non issue...

I do understand what you're saying, because I've spent, collectively, seven years dating, and what you describe is a typical, reasonable desire of yours. I would be able to offer something like you're asking just because I've come to understand it through experience. If he hasn't done that, this sort of acknowledgment may not, and apparently doesn't, cross his mind.

When I did something for my partner, I didn't require this appreciation/validity you desire. I did the thing for them and it made me happy to do it and it made them happy. I suspect many here would agree, but I don't know for sure.

Your problem here, and sorry to sound like a generalization, sounds very... neurotypical. With issues like this, you may have more success with someone who thinks more like you.

With him, this will certainly continue to happen and you can patiently, over a period of at least many months, possibly get him to lean towards the sort of behavior you desire. If he cares about you enough, he'll learn to fake it.

But, considering your general reactivity and how quickly you go to, "you just don't get it," I would imagine a different relationship would be overall less stressful for you.

Just look at what happened here. First, you got in a fight with your HFA boyfriend and then quickly got on, what seems to me, unfriendly terms with several HFAs online. The track record is indicating a change in course of action, perhaps.

But, of course, it's not like I really know you or really know what happened, so I could be all wrong. Do what you believe is best for you.

 

[Fino]

How does one communicate that they're upset without being shut down, and what invisible signals are you referring to in this context? I was pretty clear with him... saying "why weren't you there to open the door, I felt unsafe just standing out here waiting for you". How could this have been more clear?

If you mean the term "shutdown" in terms of Autism, it's involuntary.