He thinks I was trying to hurt him...

[Jorjor23]

I'm glad you've decided to write him an e-mail apologizing, because I was quite angered by how you handled this whole situation. I don't see the problem in your boyfriend's behavior. But then again, it sounds so much like me that of course I would say that. But ASD or not, he was sick and feeling vulnerable.

The problems I see are the ones you didn't pose: 1) Expecting a sick person to open the door for you when you could have just brought keys, 2) Grilling someone who you clearly just stated is enduring what you judgmentally called "an emotional regression" (is it your place to judge that?), 3) You didn't consider what he needed at the time and bailed, 4) You seem to be judging his way of processing emotion by calling it emotionally constipated - which is amusing because its an example of being on the spectrum, so you indirectly just called a large portion of the people here emotionally constipated in the process of that statement. I don't know if you're aware of this, but it struck me that way.

Another note: It isn't "unhealthy" for someone on the spectrum to process emotion differently than you. I have a great way to describe my particular expression of handling emotion differently than NT's. NT's handle emotion in "real time," and I handle it in "post-processing." This isn't a choice; its a way of being. My emotion decides when it will operate on its own accord, and that is usually (though not always) later than in the moment, often days, weeks or even months or years later. Also, it does behave more like an on/off switch than a dimmer switch, meaning that when it does process, its an implosion of sorts. The "lack of real time" can also be an asset under crisis when most people are overly emotional in the moment.

Sorry if my response isn't what you're looking for. I'm a direct person. You came here looking for feedback. I've been on his end of this before, and I would not have put up with your behavior for long.

I'm happy you've come around to seeing his side a bit more. Also, the abusive situation from your previous experiences sound like a very temperamentally different person than your HFA boyfriend, so keep that in mind next time you're tempted to over-react.

I have no issues with how he processes emotion on a surface level... the problem is, he mutes me for having them and gets annoyed when I cry, for example... he has maladaptive coping mechanism (i.e., excessive drug use) and that makes me wonder if he's processing his own emotions in a way that's really serving him.

 

[JDShredds]

I have no issues with how he processes emotion on a surface level... the problem is, he mutes me for having them and gets annoyed when I cry, for example... he has maladaptive coping mechanism (i.e., excessive drug use) and that makes me wonder if he's processing his own emotions in a way that's really serving him.

That's understandable from both perspectives (perhaps because I know this dynamic well). What exactly does he do to "mute you?" There's definitely a fine line between not being comfortable with someone being visibly emotional (I struggle with this), and actually trying to shut them up or worse, shame them for it. Does he take it that far? Also, keep in mind from his perspective, as confusing and backwards as this may seem, he may see all that emotional expression as immature and weak minded. Not that he is correct, but that he may see it that way. I've been one to perceive it that way myself, though I've grown to appreciate such emotional expression more.

The excessive drug use is a bad sign no matter what.

 

[Jorjor23]

That's understandable from both perspectives (perhaps because I know this dynamic well). What exactly does he do to "mute you?" There's definitely a fine line between not being comfortable with someone being visibly emotional (I struggle with this), and actually trying to shut them up or worse, shame them for it. Does he take it that far? Also, keep in mind from his perspective, as confusing and backwards as this may seem, he may see all that emotional expression as immature and weak minded. Not that he is correct, but that he may see it that way. I've been one to perceive it that way myself, though I've grown to appreciate such emotional expression more.

The excessive drug use is a bad sign no matter what.

Honestly he was much better about this in the beginning, but the stress is getting to him and he doesn't handle it that well now. He see's me as being overly dramatic because I cry, therefore he see's himself as "walking on eggshells" when I feel similarly about his reactions to my emotions. I cry to release pent up stress and feel much better and tend to "snap out of it" afterwards. Last time when I cried, he told me "see, you're crying again, this is the second time in two weeks" (which to me wasn't that outrageous). This kind of put pressure on me to "wrap it up" and "move on"

 

[Jorjor23]

The excessive drug use is a bad sign no matter what.

Yeah. I come from a pretty bleached background so I try not to be overly judgmental, but when it affects our relationship it becomes a bit of an issue. Oftentimes he'll stay up all night because he did coke, then in order to "correct" this he'll take a xanax and knock out for the whole day. Then I'll get annoyed that he's sleeping all day. It's the constant overcorrections that get on my nerves. I just wish he could find a happy medium, which doesn't mean cutting drugs out altogether, but just being a bit more "present"

 

[Jorjor23]

I realize I've left out really pertinent info. I didn't want to immediately just volunteer the drug thing but it's becoming apparent that it's necessary to mention to give you guys the full picture.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I realize I've left out really pertinent info. I didn't want to immediately just volunteer the drug thing but it's becoming apparent that it's necessary to mention to give you guys the full picture.

Leave him.

Excessive drug use on his part = stupidity on your part.

Guess you must partake as well.

You certainly have unrealistic expectations is they will never be met as drugs are involved.

Anyway, I resign.

Good luck.

 

[Jorjor23]

Leave him.

Excessive drug use on his part = stupidity on your part.

Guess you must partake as well.

You certainly have unrealistic expectations is they will never be met as drugs are involved.

Anyway, I resign.

Good luck.

Partake in what? I don't do drugs outside of occasional weed....And how does that automatically equal stupidity. That's a black and white way of looking at it.

 

[BraidedPony]

I’m feeling more and more sorry for your boyfriend.
1. Falls asleep after taking Xanax at midnight (the bastard!)
2. Self medicates after surviving a traumatic childhood (so inconsiderate of him!)
I’m going to follow fridgemagnetman and resign too.

 

[Jorjor23]

I’m feeling more and more sorry for your boyfriend.
1. Falls asleep after taking Xanax at midnight (the bastard!)
2. Self medicates after surviving a traumatic childhood (so inconsiderate of him!)
I’m going to follow fridgemagnetman and resign too.

You're missing the point on purpose... He didn't take Xanax that night. I'm talking about in general. After a night of doing coke he'll typically take xanax during the DAY and sleep through the entire day. But thanks for faking a lack of reading comp to further demonize me.

As ar as self medicating, I'm trying to get him to open up and possibly explore healthier avenues through which he can process his trauma. Awful right?

I feel like you guys are just piling on me for the hell of it at this point... whatever

 

[GrownupGirl]

The last time I was sick was the middle of October when I had a bad cold. I was nearly out of medicine like Tylenol and cough drops and really wanted some decongestant spray. But I have no car and no one living close by, so I walked to the drug store and bought it myself. I felt a little guilty about being in public while contagious and I tried hard to keep my germs to myself, but I did sneeze a couple of times.

I think the purpose of my story is that people should consider themselves lucky that they have someone who is willing to get them things when they're not feeling well. But people can get more emotional than usual when they're sick as well. And of course there's the old "man cold" or "man flu" stereotype. My dad doesn't seem to have it, though, because my mom said she has to keep an eye on him to make sure he rests and takes care of himself, and he has CPOD.

 

[Jorjor23]

The last time I was sick was the middle of October when I had a bad cold. I was nearly out of medicine like Tylenol and cough drops and really wanted some decongestant spray. But I have no car and no one living close by, so I walked to the drug store and bought it myself. I felt a little guilty about being in public while contagious and I tried hard to keep my germs to myself, but I did sneeze a couple of times.

I think the purpose of my story is that people should consider themselves lucky that they have someone who is willing to get them things when they're not feeling well. But people can get more emotional than usual when they're sick as well. And of course there's the old "man cold" or "man flu" stereotype. My dad doesn't seem to have it, though, because my mom said she has to keep an eye on him to make sure he rests and takes care of himself, and he has CPOD.

Thank you for not blowing up on me. He just moved here(L.A) from NY on a whim. L.A is a pain to navigate without a car. He makes a good salary working in tech so I feel like there was a lack of foresight in not straightening out the car situation beforehand. This city is well known for it's pathetic public transport system... lol. That being said, I'm fine with running errands for him, but I do expect for him to try to meet me in the middle when possible, whether that be pitching in for gas... or.. well, opening the door. It seems like you understand kind of what I'm getting at

 

[Pats]

Ok lady...With all due respect, you need to take several steps back before making wild assumptions based off a post online. First off, I haven't known him long (just a couple months). At this stage in the relationship, I'm doing a lot. I was agitated in this particular situation because I was more or less just left out to dry it it was more cumulative than anything else.

At the end of the day, he is a grown man, not a child. And no he was not that sick, he does get congested a lot but I don't think he had a full on cold. He acted more or less normal up until he asked me to go to the drugstore.

PS, plot twist...Did I mention he probably conked out because he got no sleep the previous night because he was doing coke? Did I mention he does it often and is often knocked out from the lack of sleep? Am I supposed to be accountable for how he acts when he's running on no sleep because of something self imposed? Am I supposed to smile and not be somewhat frustrated? That's been wearing on me too. Come on now. Don't make crazy accusations just because you don't know the whole story. I'm allowed to be irritated with certain things. Seemingly "little" things do matter and they can add up.

I wasn't loud or aggressive with my complaints, again, tone of voice is important and I can't convey that over the keyboard... Should I have reformatted/reorganized my thoughts to make them more palatable... sure. But saying it's unreasonable for me to be somewhat annoyed with the situation is dismissive...

Seems you omitted some very important facts. These facts change everything. You said he was sick, but he wasn't sick, but rather coughing and congested because of his coke habit? You haven't known him that long? This has nothing to do with NT/ND relationship. You're right, he's a grown man (which is the reason I would not have been running out at midnight to get his cold medicine) but that's still not the problem. The problem is coke. It's early enough that it's your decision at this point if you want to deal with his coke habits and everything linked to it or if you want to stay away and find someone a little more here.

 

[Fino]

Yeah, with that going, I think it'd be best to demand he make tangible steps to beat his habit or else you leave. If he's not moving in the direction of recovery, he's moving towards disaster. There are no other directions when it comes to drug addiction.

 

[Jorjor23]

Yeah, with that going, I think it'd be best to demand he make tangible steps to beat his habit or else you leave. If he's not moving in the direction of recovery, he's moving towards disaster. There are no other directions when it comes to drug addiction.

Yeah, I guess I'm just trying to gauge his trajectory. I met him during a stressful and transitional time in his life and it hasn't been long. I am curious to see if it tapers off once he gets more stable ( long term apartment, a car, get back the thousand dollars his friend/roomie owes him, and other burdens...) He says this is the most frequently he's ever done it... I hope I can at least give him somewhat of a chance before I give up on him. He has admitted that he needs to take better care of himself

 

[Jorjor23]

Thanks to everyone who contributed in a productive way.